(So yeah, um, the gif... Skinny Love by Bon Iver) p.s. Popping these chapters out like damn. You can say thank you to ShadieTree and admissable because their boyxboy pairings are the shit.
TWENTY-SIX: when you attempt to move on.
"Fuck."
That was the sound of me losing every ounce of self control I'd had when Paul made his way back into his-(our?) room after his shower. He was hot, extremely hot on a normal basis but with water dripping down his chest and towards that v-line and his arms slightly flexed as he turned to shut the door and oh, God that toned back. Fuck me was all I could think when he turned back around and sent me a small smile.
I wasn't prepared for any of this, mentally or physically and with Paul just walking around acting as if it wasn't a crime to be as perfect as he was, I had a hard time keeping it in my pants -erm- boxers.
Pulling the blanket tighter around my hips, I bit my lip and watched him walk over to his dresser before grabbing a pair of boxers and sliding them up his defined legs. And only then did he drop his towel.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
His ass was perfect.
I watched him bend over, picking up his towel before folding it neatly and setting it on top of the dresser. And if I could stay in that position for the rest of my life, just seeing Paul freshly showered, I'd be content.
He placed his glasses on his face, not once thinking of putting pants on or even a shirt but little Jules really wasn't complaining. And when he turned to climb into bed with me, I couldn't help but try and get as far away as possible without looking suspicious.
I didn't want him to feel objectified and I certainly didn't want another incident like what had happened with the condom back at my 'moving out' party. I didn't want him to think I just wanted sex but when he twined his arms around me and pulled me back to rest against him chest, I had no choice.
I felt his soft lips on my neck and due to my heightened hormones and the fact that I hadn't gotten laid in since, well, never... I felt myself harden more and it became a struggle to hold it in.
It was when his lips placed a soft kiss behind my ear that I moaned, leaning back into his touch unknowingly and pushing my hips back.
And hell, I really needed him to do something.
"I-I... shit, that was so hot." Paul let out, sitting up slightly and I turned around to face him. There was no hiding how turned on I was and I blinked up at him before sliding my hand to the back of his neck and pulling him down for a kiss.
Only a kiss turned into Paul on top of me, lips everywhere and my heart pounding so fast I thought it would break.
I felt fire everywhere he kissed, his lips always finding their way back to mine and I just wanted less clothing. I wanted less clothing and more of Paul and he must've sensed that because I felt his hands sliding up underneath my shirt and warming the skin on my abdomen. His lips made their way to my jaw and his fingertips lightly scratched my skin before tugging my shirt over my head.
And he bit his lip, eyes roaming my body. I felt self-conscious but forced myself to get over it. This was Paul, Paul liked me, Paul wouldn't just suddenly hate my body and with that, my arms winded around his neck, bringing him back to me.
I wanted him, everywhere so we started at my lips, kissing slowly as his large hands rubbed my side, warming me slowly in the slightly-cold room. He was careful with just the right amount of assertion and I found myself falling further and further for Paul. I felt higher than I'd felt in sophomore year when Calum and I had first tried weed. I felt higher than ever and my heart was doing that weird vibrating thing... I just really liked Paul.
And I felt him stiffening as we kissed, my back arching slightly as his hands pinned my hips to the bed and before I knew it, he was grinding down against me.
My mouth opened but no sound escaped as Paul let out a soft groan, eyes shut tight as he rocked against me. He threw his head in the crook of my neck, kissing and biting at the skin there as I clutched the bedsheets, my head thrown back in pure ecstasy and somehow along the way, my nails had indented into his back.
All that was heard was a deep rumble in Paul's throat and then he was panting, "Dammit, Jules- shit. Right there, baby, right there."
I'm extremely ashamed to say I couldn't hold on after that.
My face contorted and my eyes screwed shut; I wasn't sure what sound came out of my mouth but it wasn't pleasant as I bit hard enough on my bottom lip, it bled slightly.
"Did you just-?" Paul questioned in disbelief after I'd came down from my high and I could feel my face on fire.
I nodded. "I came in my fucking underwear, laugh it up."
He didn't laugh, well, he did but it was a tiny chuckle as I threw my arm over my face. I couldn't hold it, he hadn't even came and I was so embarrassed, I felt like burying myself and never resurfacing.
I felt his hand on my arm, gently guiding it away from my face, "hey, hey... It's okay."
"It's not."
He only smiled at me, eyes brighter than my future. Tilting my chin up, he placed a small kiss on my lips, "It is."
I felt sticky and stupid and overall, annoyed at the fact that Paul hadn't done the same. Furrowing my brows, I attempted to voice my thoughts, "You didn't even..."
That was met by a wink as he pushed himself off the bed, grabbing his towel off the dresser and tossing it to me, "Well, I'm certainly not finishing in my underwear especially after a shower, Jules."
"Okay, yeah." That made a lot of sense and I was trying my best to maneuver myself off his bed without looking too phased by it.
"I mean, it's natural so don't be embarrassed or anything." He was still looking at me with those pretty brown eyes. Still almost fully naked, he stood so comfortably. "No one really lasts forever."
Leant against his dresser, he bit his lip to hide amusement and excitement still played in his eyes. The only thing putting me at ease was the excitement he couldn't hide.
"Shut up."
But my voice had cracked and I could see a bit of worry then. "I'm joking." Why that put me on edge, I didn't know but I hated the idea that I looked like a fucking kid.
Paul's smile softened, so had his eyes and he moved to put a shirt on, tugging a pair of shorts over thick thighs. "I promise, it's fine. It's not like we were gonna have sex or anything."
Stepping closer, he went to sit on the edge of his bed, hand clasped on my jumping knee. I was jittery, my own hands resting on the towel that sat on my crotch. I was so sure I'd never live it down, "really, it's cool."
But he looked so confused and worried and it made me even more self-conscious.
"I'm sorry." He was so cute and everything was perfect and I just, I was ruining it. God, I felt sick. "I've just- I've never..."
"I know." Shutting my eyes, I tried to ignore that weird feeling of inadequacy, my throat was so dry and I was sure my hands were clammy. "You're really hot, though, if that helps. Like, when you're there."
Jesus. "Ecstasy looks good on you."
My eyes were open now and he looked like he was gaging where I was. But I still felt so awkward even if my stomach tightened at the statement he made.
"It doesn't help at all." But it kinda helped a little.
He was just as attracted to me as I was to him and that made it better.
He was smirking, biting his bottom lip and I was wondering how much he actually smiled when I felt his lips on mine.
And he was kissing me. Paul was kissing me, hand curling around my chin and tugging me closer, gently. He nipped at my bottom lip.
I shivered when he'd moved to straddle my legs, trying not to pay too much attention to how much worse this was making everything because he was tugging my hair now with both hands, pulling it back to solicit a gasp.
He was so fucking good at that, licking into my mouth. His teeth latched onto my bottom lip fully, tugging it a little, brown eyes full of sex.
I was chubbing up again and I knew he noticed.
He'd stayed sweet where our hips connected, all innocent but one hand had moved to hold my neck in place and he was kissing from the corner of my mouth to my ear.
Voice sultry, he spoke.
"Try cumming in my mouth next time, hm?"
: : :
It was a shower after Paul and my make out session and an hour after watching movies when if wondered into the living room. Aside from the hickey on my neck and behind my ear, there was no further evidence. Well, no further evidence besides the blush on my cheeks.
And the fact that I'd spent a little too long in there, rushing out after he'd said his parting words to avoid another embarrassment.
I needed water and maybe a therapist, the feelings for Paul were coming in strong as well as the sexual tension and I was a bit freaked out... Especially after I'd come to the conclusion that I wanted Paul as my boyfriend.
I'd had a glass filled with ice and was making my way over to the tap when Rilee had twirled around the corner. Her hands were reaching futilely to the top of the fridge, standing on the tips of her toes as she attempted to grab the pretzels. She was a second away from climbing onto the counter when I'd reached up to get the for her.
She smiled at me, going into the fridge for a pint of vanilla ice-cream and grabbed not one but two spoons from the drawer. "Gay bae, come sit with me. I'm watching Mean Girls."
"No thanks, I'd rather not sit and listen to people bitch about others." I joked and really, I expected awkwardness on my part when it came to Rilee but I shocked even myself when I replied back to her banter without a hitch. Maybe it was the fact that Paul knew she kissed me that had me letting go of my guilt but it felt good.
"Is it okay that I'm still here?"
"What?"
I didn't realize that it had came out until I'd said it and it suddenly felt like a big concern.
Most of my shower was spent begging my body to relax and thinking about this relationship I had with Paul and then I started thinking about how much I was overstaying my welcome.
And yeah, he offered the place and they welcomed me but I still barely spoke to Brandon and I slept in the same room with Rilee and it felt weird whenever I spent time in communal spaces.
Cause it was so obvious I didn't belong.
"Like, I could buy groceries or I don't know, pay a bill?"
They shared groceries, that was another thing that made me uncomfortable so I always bought something to eat on the way there.
"The guys' parents own this place, Jules, all we do is pay utilities and WiFi." Was it weird that I didn't know that? I mean, they never really seemed stressed about anything and it was a very modern three bedroom apartment on the outskirts of Ann Arbor.
But still, I never realized how much of what they had was theirs and was owned by them and how nervous I actually was because of that.
"Okay so," moving to sit at the bar, she leant over the counter, spoon in her mouth. "B used to be apart of a throuple, right?
Uh... "A throuple?"
She laughed then, as if it was a ridiculous question. "Three person relationship." Oh. "He dated this girl once and they ended up adding her ex boyfriend cause I guess the sex was amazing. The fact that he was her ex, not so much but anyways..."
"Anyways?" Was that not the most interesting part of the conversation?
"It was heaven for B but absolute hell for everyone else." She was deadpanning. "They ended up moving in for a short period of time and our film studio had to be turned into a bedroom for Lanny cause they'd fuck, like, so much."
"Oh my god."
"Yeah, so," the walls were thin, that much was obvious by her grimace. "You're more than welcome here."
She shrugged. "Plus, it's not like you have a bedroom or anything so it wouldn't really be fair to ask you to pay rent. You sleep with Paul and you're quiet."
"We don't..." and I didn't know how long it would be until then. I wasn't ready, I knew that, not for what Paul wanted. He wanted to top and all the porn I watched, it wouldn't prepare me for it.
And he was so fucking hot, he was so hot and I definitely wasn't prepared for him to see me naked.
"I meant literally sleep." The redness of my face must've gave it away because her tone was accusatory. "Are y'all fucking?"
Oh. "No, no, w-we're, we're not. We're—"
She poked my cheek and it was then when I realized that I still needed water, my face hadn't yet simmered down, "You're blushing."
Was it embarrass Jules day at the Lighthouse?
"Well, Paul has that affect on people I've been told," I brushed off, turning on the tap and holding my cup underneath before taking a large gulp of the cold water. I felt myself relaxing a bit.
"He does but it's never this bad..." Rilee smiled, leaning back on the counter behind her, "I see the way you look at him, babe."
Do I look at him a certain way? If I did then, he probably had noticed and that thought made me weak in my knees. My eyes went wide as I placed my cup on the counter and attempted not to stutter which was unsuccessful, "W-what?"
"You love him." Rilee smiled, tapping my nose slightly before spinning around quickly, red ponytail nearly slapping me in the face. I blinked, taking in her words before I followed after her.
Love? Love. I didn't love Paul.
I found myself trailing her to the couch, intending to convince both her and myself that I wasn't that far deep in these feelings. I didn't love Paul, I barely loved myself, "No I don't."
He was just amazing and cute and maybe I could see myself falling in love with him but certainly not at that moment.
"You do."
Paul's smile, Paul's eyes, Paul's ass... Paul hugging me, Paul kissing me. Just Paul.
"I don't."
She sighed, passing me a spoon before opening up the pretzels and ice-cream. She'd scooped some up on her pretzel, "You look at Paul the same way I look at Brandon and Landon looks at food." With that she placed the pretzel I her mouth as if cementing her statement.
In an attempt to get the attention off of me, I blinked, running back through her sentence, "You love Brandon?"
She just shrugged, "That's beside the point. So tell me why you haven't asked him out?"
"Rilee..." I didn't want to be shut down mostly but deep down, I knew I was terrified of Paul turning out like Calum or him realizing he could do better or even being shut down. I felt her hand slightly pushing my shoulder and she smiled gently at me.
And she was talking about Paul. "He's not gonna ask, Frecks."
"Exactly."
"Exactly," the redhead mocked. She was rolling her eyes now, "Because he thinks you don't want to date him!"
Why wouldn't I wanna date him? "Are you serious?" Was it not obvious that I was into him?
"Well, you did reject him before." I hated how telling my facial expressions were. "He told me about that whole make out deal thing and honestly, it's the most desperate I've ever seen him."
"You're like, fucking with him, babe." I was not. "Like, no offense, but I'd have given up if I were him."
I didn't even know how to respond to that, luckily, Rilee talked a lot. Almost too much at times.
"Not, like, in a bad way." She backtracked and I was sure it wasn't supposed to be offensive so I tried not to take it that was. "We'd still, fuck, wait y'all don't even fuck."
God, she was so blunt.
"Okay, you're super fucking cute, Frecks but this little cat and mouse thing you do with him even if you don't mean it, it's not really nice. Like, you're really a catch so it's very unfair."
"What if he's not interested anymore?" Sure, we did things but he wasn't asking me on dates anytime soon and if what she said was right, I wouldn't blame him for being sick of me.
She took my face in her hands, "Stop being such a doof before Paul doubts himself even more. Don't let him slip through your fingers."
It sounded like a pep-talk but with Rilee still stuck in this not-dating stage with Brandon, I couldn't take her seriously, "You should take your own advice."
"I shouldn't."
She'd released me with a bitter chuckle, taking her spoon and scooping a whopping amount of ice cream on it before shoving s few pretzels in her mouth, "Why not?"
She shrugged, mouth full when she spoke, "Brandon likes the chase..."
That was stupid. Anyone could see the guy was in love with her. I knew Rilee saw how he looked at her or glared at anyone who glanced at her. We all could see it, of course she did to and this was proven correct by the look on her face, "He's completely in love with you, are you insane?"
"Shut up."
I smiled sympathetically, giving her the same advance I needed to give myself, "You don't have to be scared."
"We're both scared, aren't we?"
It was getting too deep so with a sigh, I tapped her ankle, "Can we just watch something?"
And when she smiled wickedly at me, opening her mouth, I knew she was going to suggest something that was a play on my sexuality. She gave me jazz hands before smiling widely, "I've got all six seasons of Glee."
And I sent her my best unimpressed look, "I'm not that gay."
: : :
"Do you know how beautiful you look today?"
"What?" It was Sunday morning and I was missing the church. Paul had nudged my hand as we walked down the street, having to restrain ourselves from holding hands. I didn't want Paul to feel bad but there were a lot of people outside that day and trust me, I wanted to hold his hand but my subconscious wouldn't let me.
We were downtown and the sun was out, it was barely one p.m. but Paul had noticed my slightly-sad mood and refused to let me stay in the bed. Pulling me out, he made me get dressed and tugged me out of the apartment which started in a slightly make-out in the elevator which didn't last nearly long enough.
His eyes were bright and smile was struggling not to turn into a grin as he looked over at me, "you look really nice today, Jules."
"You're staring at me," I teased, pushing his side lightly before he pointed out a small café. The place wasn't too crowded from where I was standing so I nodded, letting Paul eagerly grab my wrist and drag me in before I noticed the people. And when I did, I softly pulled his hand off of me before smiling sadly over at him. And fuck, his look of self-consciousness made me want to crawl in a hole and die.
He nodded briefly, pulling me over to a booth in the corner and letting me sit before getting up to go get something for us.
The place smelled like coffee grinds and I smiled, it reminded me of Paul. It reminded me so much of Paul and that brought me back to my conversation with Rilee, I didn't love him but I wanted something more. I wanted him to be my boyfriend.
And I was gonna ask him. I was gonna ask him right there in that little shop when he'd brought over two travel cups and a donut, sitting across from me. He slid over a cup and the donut, smiling at me and I felt my heart melt.
I was nervous. My palms were sweating and I'd never wanted to run away more than I did at that moment. Paul sent me a small smile.
"I know you don't like coffee so I got you a raspberry tea..." He said before blushing, it was the first time I'd actually seen Paul seem embarrassed and I smiled, "The cashier recommended it."
I really appreciated him remembering and ran a hand through my hair as I thought of how to phrase my question.
That was when I noticed the small slip of paper in between his hands. It wasn't big enough to be a receipt and it looked slightly ripped. My eyes trailed their way to the cashier and his eyes discretely checkin Paul out. He was hot; dark complexion and nice short-cut curly hair, his lips were full and he had long lashes framing his brown eyes. He had a nice smile and I found myself intimidated by the tattoos on his arms.
"What's that in your hand?" My attention was back on Paul in a second, not wanting to believe my assumptions.
He looked down, twirling the white slip in his hand, "N-nothing."
"Paul..." Please don't be his number, please don't be his number.
But the cashier was still catching glances of Paul as he restocked some cups. I watched as the angel across from me bit his lip, "His name is Isaiah, he asked if we were on a date and I said no... He gave me his number."
And my heart dropped, "are you gonna-?" I didn't want to continue and I was basically begging anyone that Paul didn't nod. I didn't want him to date Isaiah or Brandon or really anyone else.
"What are you doing?" It sounded sad, almost bored in tone and he was looking down at the table, ringed fingers still playing with that damn slip of receipt paper.
"What?"
"You don't wanna be with me, so..." he looked lost for words, "a-are we gonna see other people or—"
And this was it, this was the moment where I really could've lost him, and what we were. It was obvious in the look on his face, he was still smiling small when he got back to the table. He's glanced back over his shoulder twice now and I knew that if I didn't move then, it would be over.
So when he shrugged, the question spewed from my lips, "Will you be my boyfriend, Paul?"
He looked taken back, brown eyes wide and lips parted as he sucked in a quick breath. I saw his confusion, "What?"
Wrong time to ask..."Sorry, I just really didn't know how to ask and I wanted to make it nicer and maybe take you on another date before we put a label on us but I just really like you and- I'm sorry." My head was in my hands by then so I couldn't see the pity I'd assumed was on his face, "Forget I said anything."
"Jules-"
But I was so nervous, I didn't want to ruin anything. Stupid, Jules, stupid, "I waited too long, fuck-"
"Jules-"
I gulped, "I just, I was scared and then Friday... you were everything I needed and I know that I've been confused and I -uh- I don't really know anything besides the fact that I don't want anybody with you but me."
And I noticed how utterly possessive I sounded. I'd never asked anyone out, ever, and my heart was beating so fast. I licked my lips, "Not that I own you or anything, you're your own man and I don't wanna take your independence-"
He smiled but I must've missed it, I was so far into my nerves that I kept cutting him off, "Jules-"
"But I mean I'd really like it if I could call you my boyfriend. I know that I've been annoying about it but I was just really scared. I'm still scared but-"
That was when he rolled his eyes, laughter in his voice as he yelled my name, loud enough for me to snap out of it, "Julian!"
"What?" My eyes were wide and I wasn't sure when Paul's hand intertwined with mine under the table but I was aware of the sparks shooting up my arm. I was aware of the fact that red was engulfing both my face and my ears and I was also aware of the cute cashier's eyes on us.
But that all went away when Paul tapped my arm, "Stop talking for a second, okay?"
"Sure, yeah, sorry."
And he uttered out the words I'd been waiting to hear, hand squeezing mine gently, "I'm yours."
"You're mine?" I couldn't stop the grim from spreading on my face.
"And you're mine." That was all he said to make me want to kiss him. I saw him laugh lightly before grabbing my donut and taking a small bite, locking the glaze off of his lips afterwards and I wondered how I got so lucky.
I felt the need to confirm once more, it not setting in that Paul was mine. "You're my boyfriend?"
"I'm your boyfriend," he smiled before his eyes lip up with an idea. His hand slipped from mine as he reached for his cup of coffee before he wiped him mouth gently. His eyes were still on me and I couldn't stop the butterflies from pooling in my stomach. "Can I - can I paint you?"
And fuck, I really wanted that, "I'd like that."
His eyes went wide and he seemed to be completely taken back, "Okay, hold on." Digging his iPhone 6s out of his pocket, Paul tried to get the right angle, eyes centered on the screen anxiously. I'd chuckled gently at the fact that his phone was pink-ish. He was completely content with his masculinity and that was even more attractive, "just, let me get a picture..."
I smiled, and let out a soft "okay." And he took the picture. Only when I noticed how intently he was staring at me, I'd looked down. And he took another one, "you look so beautiful."
And he showed me the two pictures, the only thing I could notice were the millions of freckles covering my face and I grimaced, "Ew."
He rolled his brown eyes, "You look cute."
"I'm covered in freckles, stop." I was self-conscious, heavily self-conscious and I couldn't help but let that creep up despite Paul being my boyfriend.
He simply grinned.
"You're always covered in freckles," he looked as if he wanted to kiss me and God, I really wanted that, "Its okay, I like your freckles."
A/N:
Well, um... That was... Yeah. The first part was... Yeah.
Okay so. They're boyfriends now, good? Good.
That chapter was pretty eventful and I figured, might as well live up to our Mature rating, right?
Early ass updated because I have to work on my art portfolio so I might not be updating for a couple weeks.
Updated: Wednesday, Dec 30th