I drove up the long rocky road and saw Josh standing in the fields as usual. He face was creased with confusion when he saw me pull up. I got out the car slamming the door behind me. " Is Luther here?" I asked. I had been thinking about my mothers visit to my office and the fact that she told me I had a sister who was thirteen. My mom left when I was ten years old and now that I think about it she wasn't around much then neither. It made me wonder if she continued having an affair even when she came back to New York.
He gave me a confused look." Yes.." he said suspiciously.
I ignored it and started walking up the steps. When I opened the door it was dark but I could see him sitting on the couch. I could tell he was high. I looked down on the table where there was a spoon, next to it was a box of matches and laying down next to that was a needle. I looked up at him, the belt was still wrapped around his arm. And I could see the track marks. I shook my head. I hated seeing him like this. Even if he treated me like crap my whole life. I still had a love for him that just wouldn't go away.
Just the Jacob walked in and stopped short when he saw me. He didn't even look over at Luther." Is this really necessary?" I asked him.
He looked over at him, he was now fast asleep. " He and Mom had gotten into an argument." He said Nonchalantly. I wondered why he seem to not have cared but then I realized that he lived there and he was used to seeing him like this on a daily basis.
" About what?" I asked.
" You." he said then walked out the room. He disappeared out of the front door.
I felt the confusion growing on my face." Me?" I asked myself. I looked over at Luther who was now staring up at me. He raised his long bushy eyebrow at me." I know what your thinking," I said. " I was just leaving." I turned around and began walking towards the door but the stopped in my tracks. "I just want to let you know something," I said as I turned around. " You can sit here and hate me all you want but its not my fault, so if you want me completely out your life, then fine. You dont have to worry about me coming back." He continued staring at me not saying anything. His expression didn't change at all. I looked down at the heroin and shook my head. I then turned around and walked out the door.
Jacob was sitting out there in a rocking chair, ones that my mother had bought when Josh was born. I sat down next to him."I'm sorry that you have to deal with this."
He shook his head." There's no need to apologize," He said without even making eye contact." Honestly I don't care."
I smirked at him." You know you do, don't even lie to yourself like that." I saw this kind of behavior in some of my patients. They tell everyone that they don't care about whatever situation that they are exposed to, but really deep down side they do. I was guilty of that myself.
He turned his head and gave me a disgusted look." Why'd you have to be a phycologists?"
I shrugged my shoulders.
He sighed." It really doesn't matter anyway, I'll be leaving soon enough."
I gave him a look of confusion." What do you mean?"
" I got a scholarship in mechanical engineering and I will be going to Texas for college."
My mouth dropped." Your leaving?"
" Yeah, that's what I just said basically."
" Oh," I said. I couldn't believe my little brother was actually leaving me. " When will you be leaving?"
" Next month, Classes starts in November."
" Well, I'm proud of you," I said in a faint whisper. I couldn't blame him for leaving. He was witnessing our father drugging himself everyday and our mother who had abandoned us years ago had come back causing even more drama and he was just sitting on the side lines enduring all of it." Have you told Josh yet?"
"No," he said with a sigh." And I honestly don't want to."
" Why not?"
" Because he has practically took care of us when mom left and I know that all this hurting him more than me. Plus Kelsi is basically following in Dads footsteps and you left her a long time ago." He said." If I leave he won't have one sane person to talk to. "He was right, Josh has practically been like a father to us after my mother left us with Luther. He pretty much sacrificed his whole adult hoof to take care of us and now he can't seem to find comfort in anything but the smell of funky cow and horse manure.
I stared out into the sun set and sighed." I'm sure he's going to find something to do with his life, he need to get off this farm anyway."
" I sure hope he does."
I sat on the couch at home once again staring at the wall, I had turned the television all the way down. The only sound that ran through the house was the sound of my air conditioner going. And my own thoughts roaming through my head.
I couldn't believe that after all these years my mother still argued with Luther about me. I was now 23 years old and they still basically lived in the past. Sometimes I wish I was never born, that way none of what was going on in that house hold wouldn't be going on. Luther wouldn't be drugging himself, Kelsi wouldn't be acting like she lost her mind somewhere along her child hood, and Josh wouldn't be wasting his whole life away inhaling cow shit on a daily basis. But I couldn't change anything that was going on. I knew all of this had to have been happening for a reason I just didn't know why. I said a quick prayer asking God go watch over my family and for him to give me the strength to deal with them.
My door bell rung, interrupting my thoughts. I stood up and walked over to the door."Who is it?" I asked.
" A good friend." I heard an all too familiar voice say.
I opened the door." Michael, what are you doing here?" I asked.
He had a hat on his head and it was pulled down so that no one could see his face although it was well after dark. " I said that I would come and visit when I got in Memphis so here I am." He said giving me a dashing smile.
I pulled him in so no one could see him."Well you should have at least called I would have made my self look more....presentable." I only had on a pair of pajama pants and a tank top, my hair was pulled into a pony tail.
He chuckled." You look fine." He said as he sat down on the couch.
" So how did you find out where I lived because I don't recall ever telling you."
" Shelby told me." he said casually.
My mouth dropped slightly." I should've known." I sat down next to him. He had taken off his hat and was showing off his curls. He had also taken off his sunglasses and placed them in the pocket of his shirt." So what's been going on?" I asked.
He shrugged." Nothing really, this is the last stop of the tour before I go back home."
" What do you plan on doing next, you know now that this is over." I asked.
" Start on my next album, I have great ideas for it."
" Like what?"
He raised his eyebrow and smiled." I can't tell you all that, you'll just have to wait and see." he teased.
"Oh don't you go flipping my words on me." I said as I punched him playfully in his arm.
He laughed." I'm serious."
" Ugh, well I guess its fair."I said. " So um, what do you want to do?"
" What were you doing before I came?" I asked.
"Nothing to be honest, just thinking."
" About what?"
I sighed." I'd rather not talk about it
" I said.
He gave me a look." That's what you say all the time."
" And its the truth."
He chuckled and shook his head.
" So what's your family like?" I asked changing the subject. I was looking in his eyes and I could feel the hair on my neck stand up. I took a deep breath and sat back into the couch.
" Well, you've met my brothers so you know what they are like. But I have three sister Rebbie, Janet and La' Toya. Rebbie doesn't live with the family because she's married. But Toya does and she's like a girly girl. She wants to become a huge star like me one day. Janet is like a twin to me, we think exactly alike we're basically into the same things." He said. He looked to see if he was in deep thought." My mother is a sweet lady, she's some one I can really trust. Unlike my father who just only wants the money most of the time."
" Could you tell me more about your mother?" I asked.
" Well, she's Jehovah witness and she really has a string belief in her religion. I kind of act like her. I trust to many people sometimes, even those who I shouldn't trust. She's one of those warm harder people who you just completely fall in love with when you first meet her."
"Hmm, she sounds like a real mother, unlike mine."
He stared at me for a moment." I don't know how to respond to that."
" Then its not meant to be responded to." I said as I gave him a warm smile.
He let out a low chuckle and looked down at his hands.
" Can I ask you something a little personal?" I asked.
He looked up at me. "What is it?"
" Who was your last girl friend?"
He raised his eyebrow at me." Um, the last one that I had was Tatum O'Neal." he said." But it didn't work so well."
" Would you mind telling me what happened?"
He sighed." Well basically she used me for my title and my money, she never liked me for me."
" Oh." I said as I began playing with my hair." That's kind of like a Gold Digger, or a, dang what do you call those girls who hang around the concerts and what not?" I asked deep in thought.
" A groupie?"
" Yes, one of those."
He laughed." Yes she had my nose open so wide she could drive a truck through it."
I gave him a look of utter confusion." What?"
" It means that I was so in love with her that I would practically do anything for her."
" Oh wow." I never heard anything like that before in my life.
" What about you?"
" What about me?"
" Who was your last boyfriend."
I thought for a moment then shrugged." I don't think I've ever had any."
He looked at me in disbelief." What?"
" Yeah." I nodded." I was so caught up in my family and in school that dating was never anything on my radar."
" You have had to have someone flirt with you at least."
I shook my head slowly." Not that I know of, I never paid that much attention to it."
" Oh really?"
I nodded.
" Yes, most of them only wants to get between my legs anyway, and I want to wait for some one special, someone who loves me for me."
He turned himself around towards me do that we were making full eye contact."You know I feel the same way."
I smiled."I had a feeling you did."
"I like the say you smile."
I stared up at him, he stared at me and it was like I was taking on, inhaling a deadly drug that would probably take my breath away in seconds. The look in his dark brown eyes had me trapped in his spell. I wanted so much to kiss him but I couldn't that wouldn't be very....I don't know what word to use. He reached over and pulled back a piece of my hair and tucked it behind my ear causing me to blush. He touched my red hot cheeks and smiled.
Just then my phone started ringing, washing the moment out of the room. I groaned and reached over and picked up the phone."Hello?"
"Hello, Theresa?" It was Josh.
"Yeah this is me."
The line went quiet.
" Josh is everything okay?"
"He's dead." He said in faint whisper.
My face creased in confusion." Who?"
The line went quiet again and finally he said, "Luther."