"That's the problem."
You know that feeling that hangs in the air before a storm? That change in atmosphere, a kind of intangible tension, yet still an honest indicator that a change in weather was coming?
I'd felt it before, I mean, who hasn't felt the rain before? But I'd never felt it in my heart, I didn't know such things were possible.
That is, until now.
And I chose to ignore it, stay in a state of denial as I shoved on my runners and knocked on Jamie's door. Jamie had been gone when I'd woken up following the night where he's spent an hour on the phone with his management, so I'd gone to my own flat, had breakfast, and changed into some running gear to see if Jamie wanted to go for a run. I was hoping that the rush of endorphin would get the creeping feeling to go away.
In that time, Jamie must have come home. He answered the door, but he didn't greet me. His eyes held a kind of defeated look in them, the origins of which I couldn't trace. His lips just twitched up into an attempted smile as he glanced at my runners.
"I've already been for a run."
My heart sank a little. "Oh."
Silence.
"Uh..." I bit my lip. "I'm gonna go for a run anyway, okay?"
Jamie looked down, "Okay."
I turned, heart feeling a little heavy as I exited the block and crossed the road into the park, alone.
I ran harder and faster than I had in a while, spurred on by my emotions. A solid 5km later, I collapsed onto a park bench, legs shaking, my entire body covered in sweat. I realised I was sitting on the same bench that I had with Jamie when I'd first told him about Peter.
Jamie.
I still felt disappointed he hadn't come running with me, but it was more that he had gone without me. We always ran together, it was one of our things, like having an excessive amount of movie nights, or going to Italian restaurants...
I knew something was up, and that it probably had to do with the phone call, but there wasn't much I could say now, I could talk to Jamie later. Now I needed to go home, shower, do my shift, and only then start to worry.
That resolution meant I threw myself into my work, finishing more tasks than I usually did in an effort to keep myself distracted. I had just finished setting up a new IV for a patient when Lindsey, my boss, poked her head into the room. She grinned. "Come see me after your shift."
And then she was gone, not giving me a chance to respond. So I nodded to myself, before gathering up the old IV bag and leaving, wondering what Lindsey could possibly want.
The smile seemed promising, though.
So once my shift was over, I made my way down to the office wing of the hospital, running a hand through my ponytail and smoothing out my uniform as I walked. I reached Lindsey's office door and knocked.
"Come in!"
I opened the door, peeking around the edge. Lindsey smiled from across her desk. "Heidi! Come sit down, we have much to discuss."
I shut the door behind me, sitting in the chair opposite her, smiling nervously. Lindsey started shuffling through a file in a draw by her desk, before pulling out a folder and setting it on the desk, facing it towards me.
"Now," she eyed me. "I don't suppose you knew this, but the head nurse of our oncology ward is retiring."
I shook my head. "No, I wasn't aware of this."
Lindsey nodded. "You weren't expected to," she reassured. "But I was talking to her about who would take over her role, and, you've been working with us for quite a while now, and you've been doing a fair amount of work in the oncology ward..."
My heart skipped a beat as I took in what she was saying. Surely she couldn't be suggesting...
Lindsey cleared her throat, folding her hands together on the desk. "We came to the conclusion that there was only one solid candidate for the job." She gestured to the folder with her chin. "We'd like to offer you the job, a promotion, I suppose. You would take over in two week's time, and in the meantime you'll be working with the head nurse much more closely... And of course, it is preferred you accept to move in to the accommodation right next to the hospital, you know, as you'll be required to be on hand at all times."
I was speechless. "I..."
"You don't have to make a decision right this minute, any time within the next three days is perfectly fine, all I need to know is whether you are considering it or not." Lindsey smiled again.
I grinned back. "I will certainly consider it, I feel honoured to have received such an offer."
"You deserve it!" Lindsey laughed. "Now, shoo, go think it over, I have a meeting to attend."
Lindsey stood, and I followed, taking the folder and shaking her hand. "Thank you so much, Lindsey."
"No worries Heidi! I look forward to hearing from you."
I nodded in response, before turning and exiting the office, heart beating fast as I walked out of the wing, a spring in my step.
The first thing I did when I arrived home was call Jasmine, where I explained everything that was going on and was answered with a lot of exiting screaming and babbling.
And then the question:
"You're going to accept it, right?"
I sighed. "Well, I want to."
A laugh. "Then take it, silly! What on earth is stopping you?"
"Jamie."
"Wait, what?"
I bit my lip. "Well, I'd have to move out and-"
"And he can take his English ass down to see you all the time, you moving wouldn't break your relationship, I would hope. Besides, in the bigger picture, Jamie isn't here to stay." Jasmine said, cutting me off.
I grimaced. "That's the thing," I said. "I don't think Jamie actually has much longer here."
There was a pause from Jasmine's side, and then a careful tone. "Don't let him have too much influence in a decision as big as this, Heidi. It's your decision, of course, but I'd keep all the circumstances in mind."
She didn't have to say it directly for me to catch what she meant. "Yeah, I know." I said, defeatedly. "Thanks Jazzie."
"No worries babe, talk to you soon!"
I laughed a little at her change in tone. "Cya!"
Just as I hung up, I got a text from Jamie.
Come over, we need to talk.
That we did, because there was no keeping this promotion a secret from him, and I was desperate to know what was going on with him, too.
I changed out of my uniform, left the folder on the kitchen bench and left, knocking on Jamie's door. Getting a slight sense of déjà vu from doing almost the same thing this morning.
And just like this morning, Jamie still didn't look his usual self as he answered the door, dressed in his favourite black jeans and a faded blue t-shirt, hair still mussed. There was a kind of weird mood surrounding him that I couldn't really put my finger on..
"Hey," he said.
Distance. That's what it was. There wasn't the usual look in his eye whenever we were together, the usual enthusiasm he always had, and when I thought about it, this wasn't new, this had been going on for a while, and I hadn't even noticed, being caught up in so much work in all...
I snapped out of if. "Hey," I replied, offering a smile.
Again, I only got a weak attempt at one in response, before he turned, indicating for me to follow him inside.
We entered his living room, and I sat on his couch, curling my feet under me, but Jamie stayed standing, almost awkwardly, it was beginning to weird me out, why was he acting so distant?
"I was going to make some tea, would you like some?" Jamie asked, stiffly, almost formally.
I just nodded. "Yes, please."
This was too weird, so as Jamie turned to walk over to the kitchen, I asked.
"Why are you acting so weird?"
Jamie spun around. "I'm not acting weird," he said, defensiveness creeping into his voice.
I shook my head, standing up. "You are."
Jamie's eyes narrowed. "I'm not! How am I acting weird?"
"I..." I struggled to find the words. "What is this, Jamie? You're being all cold and distant and I.. I don't understand.."
Jamie stepped towards me, raising his voice. "Exactly, you don't understand! How can you be mad when you don't even know what this is about?"
It was almost as if Jamie had been waiting for me to say it, his mood suddenly becoming angry, like it had already been bubbling away inside.. I wouldn't have been surprised if it had.
"I can be mad because you won't tell me!" I defended, then took a deep breath, "Can't we just talk about this?"
The oddest torn expression crept over Jamie's face, anger seemingly forgotten. "I..." But he seemed at a loss for words.
I crossed my arms, sick of trying to guess what Jamie was trying to say, sick of all the worrying. I just wanted answers.
"Come speak to me when you've got something," I snapped.
And with that, I left his flat, a tear escaping as I shut his door, and stormed into mine, shutting the front door and leaning against it.
I exhaled, my breath a little shaky, because Jamie didn't need to say it, I knew this had something to do with management. It seemed stupid, but I would welcome the fact that this was a matter of them disapproving of our relationship, but I knew this was just wishful thinking, something like that was simply too petty, that there was something much bigger at play.
I made dinner for myself for the first time in a while, I was so used to cooking for two that I ended up making too much anyway and storing it in a container in the fridge. I ate in silence, the folder seeming to glare at me from the kitchen bench. In my heart, I knew there was no way in hell I could turn a promotion like that down, but I liked playing with the idea that I hadn't decided yet for now, like the saying goes, ignorance is bliss.
Except it isn't. I thought to myself in the shower half an hour later, because Jamie and I had ignored the inevitable for so long, and that was coming back to bite us now, and there was an overwhelming amount of emotions that came with that.
I was angry. I was angry that Jamie had somehow put a bittersweet tinge on something that was supposed to be good in my life, in fact, our relationship in total was bittersweet, because we both knew he would have to leave, whether he left our relationship behind or not, even though neither of us liked to acknowledge it.
Fear, because I didn't know what would come next, what was going to happen now. Hell, I technically didn't even know our situation, this was all guesswork, but you didn't need to be a genius to figure out what was going on here. After all, it had sort of been set in stone from the start.
We needed to talk through this, desperately, but I knew there was no point trying again until Jamie was calmer, I knew enough that he would find me once he was.
And he did, as my phone lit up my darkened bedroom only minutes after the light had gone out, and I rolled over, propping myself up on my elbow to read it.
I'm coming over x
I rolled back, letting out a breath I didn't realise I'd been holding. So we'd be having another conversation in the dark, hiding our facial expressions, pretending the other wasn't there so we could say what we really felt, I guessed it was kind of cowardice, but I didn't care. I just needed answers.
A few minutes later, I heard the distant click of Jamie letting himself into my flat, and then a much closer click of my bedroom door opening, shutting, and again Jamie's weight on the bed. He didn't cuddle up to me though, but he lay close enough for him to link our hands under the covers. It reminded me of that night in London.
How different things were now.
I decided to break the silence.
"I've been offered a promotion. To be head nurse of the Oncology ward, I have three days to decide I want the job and if I do take it I'll eventually have to move to some accommodation closer to the hospital," I said in a rush.
I heard Jamie inhale. "That's incredible, that's...you're going to take it, right?"
I sighed. "I want to."
"You've got to," came his answer.
I nodded. "I think I will." Then I paused. "And what about you - what's going on?" I didn't want to upset him like before, so I asked as gently as possible.
I turned to him, the moonlight filtering through my window allowing me to see he was still lying on his back, body tensed slightly, not looking at me.
Thinking.
I waited. And finally, he said something.
"They want me back early."
They. Management. Back. Back to London. Jamie's home and not mine, London where I couldn't be, because of my job, London where, I knew deep in my heart, I would never have been able to bring myself to move to anyway.
It was a foolish hope perhaps, but this didn't have to mean the end, the end of Jamie and I, did it?
Jamie swallowed, finally looking sideways, sad eyes gazing into mine. "You know what this means, don't you?"
I just nodded. "We..we could try."
Jamie's face said it all, and I myself wasn't convinced. There would be no trying.
And I didn't really know what to say, and Jamie didn't seem to have much to add, so I turned away, tears pricking my eyes, and let myself fall asleep, the emerging truth of what was going to happen feeling heavy in my heart.
...................................................
Haha oops
*throws self off cliff*