He was dying.
He had a terminal brain tumour.
You hear about things like this all the time on the news, headlines in a newspaper, it’s heart breaking and devastating, ‘dying teenagers’ written in big bold letters, but it never grip's you until you’ve experienced it yourself.
I was standing outside Cole’s hospital door, numb.
The three black dilapidated numbers against the glazed white door made the situation seem much more solemn. My vision had distorted and the tears surfacing my eyes were ready to spill down my cheeks, but I wouldn’t let them fall, not today, not now because crying was for the weak and I wasn’t.
I blinked once, and then twice trying to comprehend the information I had just assimilated from Noah because - no – this wasn’t real – no.
A terminal brain tumour?
How?
Suddenly the jigsaw was fitting together, his mood swings, lashing out, his anger, his headaches.
Maybe it was the medication I’d been on; perhaps it had partisan my hearing because this wasn’t real, Noah was lying, this couldn’t be happening, not again, not to him and it comes so sudden, the trepidation of loosing another person that my mask had slipped and my walls were beginning to deteriorate, everything inside of me crumbling and slowly turning to ash.
My eyes drifted over to his body and I wasn’t cognisant of when I’d sauntered into the room. He glanced up at me aware of my presence and my small feet were suddenly making the loudest of sounds in this empty, hollow room. The two of us were staring at each other in taciturnity, but no words are needed because it was the kind of silence that spoke our minds.
“Don’t cry Megh‘ his eyes plead, beg, beseech. His azure eyes, twinkling like two blue pools of innocence and youth drift over my face taking in every feature as the sunlight elucidates the bags below my eyes, my messy hair, the tear stains concealing my cheeks, every imperfection, everything I don’t want him to see.
“I love you,” he managed to gasp out in between long, raspy breaths and his voice was so quiet and brittle it didn’t sound like him any more but the fear in his voice was palpable and he was trying to hide it but he couldn’t, because I knew him too god damn well.
Tears finally spilled out over my cheeks, like a never-ending waterfall of depression, and it just hurt so god damn much, like a fire igniting, slowly spreading through me, burning everything that was still standing. Anger pulsed through my veins as I lashed out at him, “This isn’t funny-“ I was yelling at him and I hadn’t yet registered the asset or anger laced in my voice until it bounced of the barren walls in the silent room and hit me, “Why – Why would you joke about something like this Cole?” I was crying, and there were so many sobs wrenching out of my throat that I didn’t even know if he understood what I was saying and there’s just so much heart break that it felt like I was drowning in my own tears while my body began to shiver in fear like a breath of melancholy made itself felt like a chill and sudden gust from an unknown sea because I’m so scared.
He laughs a little, cracking his lips into a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes and tilts his head backward, his eyes locked on the ceiling. He’s biting down on his rolled in lips; I can see that he’s trying not to cry as I stare at the machine regulating his heart, the machine telling me that he’s alive, the minute irregular squiggles making me feel unsettled as he finally gathers the courage to talk again, “I’m not lying.” his voice was so sweet, so innocent that my face crumpled up again.
“It’s alright though, isn’t it?” I alleged, running over to him, grabbing his face between my palms as I wiped away his tear so roughly I left red stains on his cheeks. “You’re going to get better aren’t you?”
He was crying again, tears rolling down his face, shaking his head. “I’m not getting any better.”
“It’s not the end though,” I tell him after exhaling for poise because there’s a penetrating feeling on my chest, like weights compressing down so hard that I can’t breathe. Like a kaleidoscope the memories are flooding back into my mind, like home movies playing on a black canvas as I’m re-living the promises he made to me, the future he pledged, the family we were going to have together and how could he just leave? How could he break all those promises? But I wouldn’t let him leave, because when you love somebody that’s what you do, you fight for them and you hold on until the very end, until there’s nothing left and you’ve given it your best and that little spark of hope inside of you, you always keep it lighted.
“Please don’t do this-“ he whispered, “I tried not to hurt you, you weren’t supposed to find out.” the rawness of his voice made me want to embrace him in my arms and never let go. His eyes were filled with so many emotions, I’d never seen somebody look so pained, upset and scared at the same time.
My stomach churned, I was engulfed within so much pain that I wasn’t even capable of crying. I was dry sobbing instead, tears wracking through my body, strangled sobs rupturing through my throat and I was praying in my head, asking if there really was anyone up there to save him, because I needed Cole more than I needed anything.
“Meghan, please-“ he whispered, “Don’t lie to yourself, I’m dying.” And I flinched, stumbling backwards at his words because it felt like I was in a room on fire, and there was smoke in my lungs and I couldn’t get out and I was suffocating and all I wanted to do was find somebody to help me, somebody to help me escape and there were no windows, no doors, just these never ending walls around me and I was dying, and the smoke was killing me and I just wanted to be saved, I just wanted help.
I shook my head, putting a fist to my mouth, “You’re – not – going – anywhere.” I gasped out, and he pulled me to his chest sobbing so hard I didn’t know what to do.
“I don’t want to die.” he was crying. “I’m not a bad person Meg, I’m not, and I’m - so - afraid.”
I was shaking my head, ruffling his hair because I couldn’t speak, because I didn’t know what to say because I was consumed in so much grief because I was so scared, just so so scared and I wanted to be comforted, I needed somebody more than he did because how could I be his rock when I was so pathetic?
“I’m sorry-“ he gasped out, his cheeks red, his eyes blood shot, his skin pale. “I’m fine baby, I’m fine.”
“Everyone gets better, don’t you worry about a thing,” and I was trying to pull myself together.
“Not me,” he whispered, “Not me.” he was shaking his head, the hope in his eyes slowly dimming.
I cut him off, not letting him consume him self in any more negative thoughts, “You promised me a future together, and you’re going to be there by my side when Jason takes his first step and as he grows up,” and I clamped a fist over my mouth trying so hard not to cry but these hot salty tears were spilling over my cheeks because I had nobody left and I wouldn’t let Cole go anywhere, “You’ll be with me forever, you promised me-“ and I was crying, “You can’t break a promise.” and I just didn’t understand, because how could he be dying?
“I’m sorry,” he pushed his face into his cupped palms, not letting me see his face, but his body was shaking and I could hear him crying, I could hear each strangled sob make it’s way up his throat and rip through him. “You have to promise me that you’ll look after Jace, Meg- please.” his voice was so shaky, filled with so much desperation and his eyes looked two shades lighter than I remembered, a plea that I couldn’t refuse.
“Jace-“ I took in a wheezy breath. “Jace needs his father, you can’t leave him.”
His anger, it was so sudden, so aggressive that fear rose within me. “You say it like I have a fucking choice,” he was yelling. “Do you think I wanted this Meghan?” his voice was still loud, bouncing off the walls in the room. “Do you think I was proud of bringing a kid into the world? A kid that I couldn’t even watch grow up, a kid that’s not going to have his father when he needs him?” tears were pouring, down his face, “I hated myself Meghan,” and his body deflated, something in him switched off, his back hunched over and he was hiding his face away from me again. “Do you think I want you to see me like this? See me so pathetic and vulnerable?” his voice was so soft I barely caught his words.
He gripped his temple, his killer headache returning. “LEAVE.” he screamed, thrashing around the sheets, and the monitor beside him was beeping, the squiggles becoming more and more frequent. “Meghan,” he was out of breath, “Meghan-you can’t see me like this, please, please - leave.”
“I’m not leaving-“ and the door was thrown open, the doctor I’d seen before walking in, his eyes fixed on the heart monitor.
“Meghan, we’ll wait outside, come on.” a new voice started, and just like that Colton’s palm was on my shoulder, squeezing me.
“I’m not letting him go,” I shook my head firmly,
“How long are you going to keep this up for?” Cole asked, “Meghan, I’m dying, you need to stop trying to save me.”
He wheezed again, crying out this time his fingers digging into his temple.
I opened my mouth, “I love you so much-“
“You don’t,” he whispered, “You can’t, please Meghan.”
“I can’t love you?” and it was my turn to yell because anger was pulsing through my veins and how could he tell me how I felt about him. “Well I do,” I was screaming. “I have and I always will.” and I wasn’t lying because I knew from everything inside of me, from ever crack and crevice in my body that I loved him. “I don’t know a lot of things, like my future, and why bad things happen to me, or why I’m such a fuck up-“ and these tears were clogging up my throat, my throat closing in on me, “but the one thing I do know," and I drew in a sharp breath, "is that I love you more anything in this world and I’ll never stop trying to save you.”
One or two more chapters guys, it's not my best chapter and I'm not overly pleased with it, so it will be edited soon x