CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR~
GUILTY HEART
I slugged through the days slowly, feeling like I was walking through an ocean of black tar. The long sticky tendrils pulled at me, sucking at my legs, trying to pull me under. The immense guilt I was feeling could not be matched. There was just. So. Much. Damn. Guilt.
Every day, for the last week, a few people randomly went up to James to offer condolences. I don't even know why. He took it all in stride, with a kind smile and a polite thank you. But he hated it, I could tell by the way he closed his eyes and took a deep breath after each passing apology. He didn't like the way they were apologizing for something they had absolutely nothing to do with. He didn't like the memories they brought up.
And then, there were the cautious, wary students. Believe it or not, some students actually looked at him differently, with something akin to condescension. I found it laughable really, that they seemed to think better of themselves than James. I thought high schoolers would be more mature than that because really? Adoption didn't make him any different. He was still the friendly, kind guy he'd always been. Besides, family wasn't just about blood ties.
As for me, whenever we accidentally met each other's eyes in the halls, I would try to conjure up smile and he would look away. I guess he saw betrayal every time he glanced at me. He didn't always quite look away in time. Once or twice, I caught a glimpse of his eyes and I saw the pain he tried to cover up.
I knew that the way people were acting was causing James to remember everything he'd been trying to forget. Though it was true that most people weren't laughing at him- the polar opposite of the kids during his younger years- I, of all people, knew the piteous looks could get pretty damn unbearable. After all, I'd gotten the same look from people after Daniel died.
The final bell rang, and everyone began packing up. Another day was over and it was the weekend at long last. I was beyond thankful. Who knew how much more I could take before the guilt consumed me? Assuming it hadn't already.
I hissed it a breath of anger. I, I, I, that's all I thought about. I brushed off the selfish words as I packed my bag and hefted it over my shoulder. From nearby, Soraya also got ready to leave. She and I... well, we were okay despite the huge argument we got into about how stupid I was. It went something like:
"Why did you do it?"
A shrug from me.
"Celia."
I still gave no response.
"Celia that might well have been the dumbest thing ever."
I nodded.
"It was really bad."
"You mentioned that."
She frowned, I did too.
"We'll talk when you're ready?"
"Thank you."
And that was that.
"Ready?" I asked at present, as she placed another thick textbook into her bag.
Soraya had one leg propped up on the bottom of her locker, her overflowing backpack resting atop her thigh. She winced under the weight as she shifted her feet to balance out the weight of the backpack. Grabbing her phone and her last textbook, she zipped up the bag heaved the whole thing onto her back. We both turned to head out only to see James at his locker staring at me with so much regretful sadness that I was forced to break our heavy gaze.
"I-I'll be waiting outside," Soraya whispered softly as she silently made her retreat.
Her light footsteps faded away, leaving James and I in a silence that was so unlike us. We were mere meters apart yet it felt like a chasm had dawned between us, making the other too far out of reach.
"James," I began, pacing forward. I tried not to flinch when he stepped back, effectively trapping himself between me and his locker. His whole figured tensed up like an animal ready to flee as his eyes regarded me icily. "Listen, I'm sorry for what I did-"
"Stop. Stop it right there Celia," he nearly snarled.
My throat closed up, choking me up. I could feel the beginnings of tears but I blinked them back, I wasn't the one who should be crying. Unfortunately, James noticed.
Instead of the kind reaction I was used to (and half expecting), James stared at me with incredulity. His brown eyes which once held so much warmth seemed darker with the closed off vibe that surrounded him. "You're crying."
There was absolutely no emotion in his tone. It was a statement. Not at all a caring inquiry, just a simple fact being stated.
"I-"
"Save it Celia. I don't want to hear it. Actually, I don't need to hear it. I know exactly why you recorded that and showed it. Your mother." He contemplated his next words and as his eyes hardened, I braced myself. "Dammit Celia! Why won't you see? Why can't you see that your mother has destroyed your whole life? Just how far will you go to please her?"
After all this shit I put him through, he still made it about me and not himself. I would've laughed had this not been such a serious situation.
"James," I pleaded, my stuffy voice barely going above a whisper. "I grabbed the wrong USB. That version was to satisfy my mother. Now–"
He let out a derisive, nearly cynical bark of unamused laughter. "No Celia. You and I both know that this is about how you recorded my words. The fact that you actually recorded something I told you because we were friends, not for the project –I can't quite forgive that. Leave me alone okay? You've caused enough pain to last me a lifetime."
The last words hit me hard. But in his defence, I deserved it. I also knew he was holding back. There was so much James could have added to that sentence, so many possibilities that would sharpen the edge of that blade. He could have used everything I told him against me. He could have shouted it out to the class as an add-on to his video in class. Yet, true to his nature, he chose to say nothing.
The guilt within me increased tenfold as I ducked me head, hiding the tears. An apology was out of the question. He wasn't listening. So I nodded respectfully, making sure to keep my distance from him. Then, I turned tail and walked away without a backwards glance, defeated. The second I rounded the corner, I made a run to Soraya who was waiting outside.
She had nothing to say either, simply looking at my devastated face told the whole story to her. As we walked by her house, she nodded my way, offered a weak smile, and left me and my thoughts to complete the journey home.
Once I did arrive home, I let myself in and raced to my room. I pounded up the steps, glad for once, that my both parents worked full time. My door flew open and I dumped my bag onto the ground before falling onto my bed in utter exhaustion.
I had so much work to do really, exams were coming up in under a week but for the moment, I couldn't bring myself to do anything. So, I closed my eyes at angled my head towards the ceiling. Without even looking around, I could picture the inspiring words stuck on the walls around me, stickers I placed everywhere when I entered high school, determined to have the best years of my life.
That was so long ago. Just under four years ago, I walked into my first day of high school, pumped and ready to participate in any club or team I wanted to (I even had a list in my notebook). I wanted to make friends, to bloom into a social butterfly, and to fall in love. To put it simply, I wanted a very cliché, typical, high school experience.
My plans didn't last long. They all failed when my mother turned into my personal trainer. Everything I had planned out blew out of the water once I saw it as a chance to gain back my mother, a feat I grew to recognize as impossible yet still tried to fulfill. I, quite honestly, became obsessed with pleasing her; it took over my life completely.
Even to a point where not even my closest friends mattered to me.
If my recent actions didn't depict that perfectly, I don't know what did. Why didn't I realize earlier how obsessive I was? Or perhaps I did, but was unwilling to admit it. Denial. Everyone's best friend. That wasn't an unlikely reason. I was my mother's daughter. No matter what she did, she'd still be my mother, nothing could change that. It was only natural for me to crave her affection, her pride. Maybe... no, I definitely took it too far to realize. After so many years of trying, I guess it just became a habit I couldn't quite break.
She was trying now. So was I. If only I hadn't grabbed the wrong USB this morning.
I lifted myself from my bed and dug around, finding the correct USB stuck in my laptop.
I sighed loudly.
There were no words to describe the feeling inside of me. And I also owed Soraya an explanation.
I picked up my phone and dialed her number, not really wanting to talk about this face to face.
"Hello? Cee?"
"Hey, I thought I'd explain everything."
"Want me to come over?" she asked.
"Nah, I'll just explain over the phone."
"Sure."
So I did. I talked about how we spoke that night, and how I recorded everything for reasons unknown. I explained why I used it. And I explained that morning's unfortunate accident.
"Well the thing is, you never intended to show that copy to anyone other than your mother right?"
"Pretty much."
"And this was all an accident right?"
"Yeah," I confirmed.
She laughed, "Then just work that out! It's not so hard!"
"I know it isn't, but it's the thought that I would even think of recording him that destroyed our friendship... relationship... thing."
"Oh so there is something going on between you two! I already guessed that from your kiss –next time tell me sooner yeah? I like laughing at you," Soraya said. "Haha, my Jelia ship actually set sail."
"What even?"
"Jelia, your shipname," Soraya stated. "Nevermind. Listen Celia, what you did was a low blow but reason with him. Nothing aggravatingly bad happened. People are already beginning to lose focus and they're moving on to other things. Tell him, at the age which people used to tease him, they were immature and young. They had nothing better to do. But now, at this age, they've matured a lot. Those who still laugh, just never grew out of their childish phase," she explained.
"Yeah."
"Just give him some time, then talk to him okay? And you know how it is right?"
"Yeah, nothing matters until I stop moping. What happened is done and over with, nothing I can ever do will take back my reckless actions," I replied.
"Good girl. Now, go sleep and I'll see you tomorrow."
We said our goodbyes and hung up.
I plopped down on my bed again, contemplating my words. I knew from experience, that the only thing to do was keep moving forwards. One heavy step at a time.
Sometimes, all it took was a massively horrible event to make you realize exactly what's been going wrong the whole time. It makes you see that flaws in yourself, in the decisions you made.
My mother was someone who wielded so much influence over me that it was unhealthy. It was high time that I broke that cycle. Undoubtedly, it would take time. I wasn't going to let her stop me anymore. I would pursue what I wanted from now on. Well, at least I would try my best to. That was my new resolve.
And it felt good.
I grinned, despite everything. With my new resolve firmly engraved in my mind, I wiped away my tears and sat up as I pulled out the unopened university letters from under my bed, setting them atop my desk. I booted up my laptop, accessing the emails from the universities I'd applied to. My answers were due soon –they were due tomorrow actually, and there was no better way to move forward that to see what school I might attend for the next four or more years.
I picked up the first envelope, a thick, white one with a maroon emblem stamped onto it. I took a deep breath. "Here's to my future and whatever it may hold," I murmured. And with that, I ripped it open and, while I didn't realize at that time, that was the moment I had begun writing a whole new chapter in the proverbial book of my life.
A/N~
This book is just going downhill. Sorry. Exam time right now so don't expect an update until the end of next week. I'm sorry it took so long to get this up in the first place.
As always, thanks for reading/voting/commenting.
-Steph