Chapter Twenty Five
Sammy couldn't share Corinne's laissez-faire attitude towards the carnage that her life had become. Go with it; see how it goes, that had been her response as Sammy revealed all her inner turmoil. But for Sammy it was hell, real hell. Dealing with what happened was no easier. But she had to try and manage the guilt that consumed her every thought.
"Hey, you are NOT allowed to disappear into Sammy World, ok?"
Sammy met Corinne's eyes and smiled, "sorry. I'm over thinking everything."
"That's the Sammy way! So when are they letting Monica out of this place?"
"Maybe tomorrow."
Corinne grimaced, "that'll be awkward in the little love nest."
Sammy scowled, "don't push it madam. You are supposed to be my friend."
Laughing her friend reached for her hand, "I'm laughing at it, but I know it's hard for you, and seriously how is she coping Monica?"
"What you mean without breasts? She is threatening to kill herself, then the consultant arrives and talked to her and he apparently is the one who'll help her find herself again...in her words. She is booked for a reconstruction in a few months, once her treatment had finished and her wounds have healed. She is now planning bigger and better than ever."
Corinne rolled her eyes, "that sounds like Monica."
Sammy sighed, "it does."
She sipped at her coffee quietly and Corinne was staring at her when she finally returned the Styrofoam cup to the table, "what's wrong?"
Initially Sammy shrugged giving her head a shake, but Corinne could see the tears in her eyes, "I know it's been hard...but..."
Sammy dropped her eyes away from her friend, and Corinne leaned forward, "what is it Sammy?"
For the last few hours Sammy's world had been threatening to implode, the previous evening, the kiss, that was something, of course, but the doctor's words earlier were more terrifying, more life changing than anything else.
She hadn't intended to voice her concerns, to tell anyone, because she didn't want to involve anyone else, and she hated that she sounded like her mother. Because suddenly she knew how her mother was feeling.
"The biopsy results and everything came back...the cancer she has...it's potentially a genetic one." The words were painfully dragged from the depths of her being and accompanied with a sob.
"What does that mean for you?"
Sammy could feel tears now, sliding down her cheeks, "I sound so bloody selfish, so self absorbed."
"No, you don't. You sound worried, and that's quite right."
Nodding sadly she offered, "they want me to have a blood test, see what it shows."
Corinne processed it for a moment then looked at her, "this is the Angelina Jolie thing?"
"Potentially," she whispered.
Corinne leaned across the table and took her hands in her own, "there's no choice here Sammy, you have to think of Eleanor. You in any shape is better than no you."
"I know that."
"And I know it isn't easy for you to think about."
Sammy tried to smile, but the tears were winning, "I know what the right thing to do is, but I don't feel strong enough to deal with it. Not yet."
Corinne squeezed her hands, "and you don't have to do anything today, just promise me you'll think about it, and talk to me?"
Sammy nodded then stood, "I need to get back to Monica, you want to come and see her?"
She shook her head, "no. That's not the best idea. I'll come over tonight? Catch up?"
"That'd be great. Thanks, you are the best."
Later that afternoon she got back to the house, dealing with her inner turmoil but knowing she also had to face the demons within her home too. Joel. Not that he was a demon. He was anything but; it was what had happened and how they played it now that was weighing her down...that and the fact that she might be genetically predisposed to breast cancer. She had no idea how the hell to deal with that either.
Actually she did, Eleanor was everything to her, and she'd do anything to make sure she was there for her for as long as is humanely possible. But the test would bring answers and possibly solutions, and she was still feeling fraught, and wasn't able to cope with what that would mean at the moment. She had to bury it, for a while, she had to regain control of everything else first. It was the only way.
As she opened the front door, she could hear Eleanor's squeals and she hadn't stepped into the hallway when her daughter came staggering towards her in what was a run by her standards, screeching and laughing, behind her came Joel on his knees, a furry toy cat balanced on his head, and roaring like a wild animal. Eleanor grabbed her legs, burying her face between her knees and Sammy laughed.
Then he met Sammy's eyes and blushed. Sitting back on his heels, he took the animal down and offered an awkward smile, "you ok?"
She nodded, "yep. She's home tomorrow hopefully...so I've got a lot to do."
Eleanor peeked out from her mother's legs and spotting the monster defeated, turned and ran to Joel almost flying into his arms. Sammy couldn't help but be overwhelmed by the burst of pain that hit her chest, he was so perfect, he'd slotted in to her life and been a rock, and she'd responded by kissing him, then blanking him. She had to make it right.
Standing, with Eleanor still wrapped around his neck he looked at her for a moment, "I should go then."
That caused her to panic, "I don't want you to go...I..."
He smiled at her confusion, "I don't think your mother needs me hanging around seeing her at her worst."
His comment was proving that he knew her well, knew how her mother would feel. And again she felt dreadful.
"Corinne and Mike are coming over later; I thought we could get some takeaway, bottle of wine..."
Giving a knowing nod he set Eleanor on the floor then patted her on the bottom.
"What? What does that mean?"
Shrugging he stared at her for a moment, "you want me to hang around yet you make sure we're chaperoned at every opportunity. Think I'm untrustworthy? Think I'm about to pounce or something?"
Stunned, she stared at him for a moment, but before she could answer he turned on his heel and made to follow Eleanor, "stop. It's not like that."
He glanced over his shoulder, "I think it is."
Then he was gone.
Sammy was fraught, she should chase after him, but she needed a shower, needed time to work her head out. She'd speak to him when she was controlled, calm and back in charge.
Joel was already to explode; Sammy was the most infuriating woman he'd ever met. Trying to contain his anger and frustration was proving fruitless, and he wasn't in the best place to care for a child. Sammy had disappeared into her bedroom after he'd stormed off, but the second she emerged, hair still wet from an obvious shower, he grabbed his holdall and locked himself in the bathroom.
He didn't have much with him, but he had running kit, so he pulled it on and was stretching at the front door when Sammy found him.
"You're going out?"
He nodded, not meeting her eyes, "need to let off some steam, been cooped up inside all day because of the weather."
He hadn't meant to make her feel guilty, not about that, but she stammered an apology at that which he cut off with a raised hand, "Sammy, it's fine I have loved every day I've spent with Eleanor. I just need to stretch my legs. Blow off the cobwebs. I won't be long."
The local roads were perfect for running, unlike London the traffic was reasonable, the air clear, and the roads wide and safe. It was darkening, the afternoon light fading past but there was plenty of light as he headed through the centre of town and out towards the cliff tops. It was ideal up there, open paths, away from cars, and with harsh winds to take away his breath, and with it his thoughts. It was punishing climbing up the steeper roads and he was panting when he heard a voice calling out his name.
It stunned him as he was unknown around this town...other than Sammy, and he'd left her at home. Pausing for a moment he looked around and then spotted Corinne leaning out of the doorway of what he presumed was her salon. At a slow jog he crossed the road and backed up to where she was standing, shuddering against the cold breeze.
"I thought it was you, how are things?"
He tossed an arm over his head to stretch his triceps as he gave a small non committal shrug.
"I'm so grateful to you for being here for Sammy; it's been really difficult for her."
He gave a smile, "I know, it was the least I could do really."
Corinne studied him for a moment then added, "she's finding everything hard...but she's getting there, and that's largely thanks to you. Don't give up on her, ok?"
That puzzled him and he gave what he knew was a frown, "what? I'm not about to do that."
Corinne beamed, "good. She isn't having any good fortune...I think she feels as though the world is against her. But since you've been around...you are good for her Joel. You'll help her thought this, I know." He smiled awkwardly then she added, "cool. I have thrown myself on your hospitality tonight, I missed Sammy and Eleanor, I bet company is the last thing you both need. But tough, I'm coming!" Her smiled was literally ear to ear, "I'll see you later."
Nodding he changed arms, "I look forward to it."
He returned to his run, but had the feeling that something had just happened and he'd missed it completely. For the first time in days he longed to return to London.
Sammy was struggling to contain her anxiety, her mother, her daughter, Joel...she had no idea how to deal with everything, she felt as though she was on a Carousel that was getting faster and faster and she had no way of getting off as things spiralled out of control. As fast as she tried to clean up, Eleanor was pulling things out and creating more chaos.
Monica had phoned three times with her own anxieties about coming home, and Joel had disappeared in a mood the moment she'd come home. All she wanted was calmness, a night in with her best friend, serenity...normality. And behind everything was the fear that she could have the same genetic predisposition to the cancer that was attacking her mother.
Slumping onto the sofa she placed her head in her hands and couldn't control the tears that ran down her cheeks and leaking through her fingers to land on the floor. Eleanor tapped on her leg, dragging her from her depth of self pity and as she scooped her up into her arms she cursed herself for being so indulgent. Whilst her mother was ill, whilst Joel had dropped everything for her, she was feeling sorry for herself and that was not who she was.
"Come on little lady. It's time for your bath. If you're good you can stay up until Corinne comes, ok?"
Her grin was unending regardless of her understanding and splashing around in the bath was cathartic.
She hadn't heard the door open, but when she glanced up at the sensation of someone in the doorway; Joel was stood there hot, sweaty and panting.
"Sorry...I was going to jump in the shower."
Sammy jumped up, "we're almost done. Just having some fun."
He nodded awkwardly, "so I see. I'll just wait downstairs."
It wasn't until she turned and caught her reflection in the mirror that she realised that her t-shirt was soaking wet, and rather transparent. Poor Joel what must he think?
An hour later a cleanly scrubbed Ellie was sat between Corinne and Sammy on the sofa watching In the Night Garden intently and the two women had large glasses of wine and were deep in conversation. Joel, after a very long cold shower, had hidden out in the kitchen with Mike, and they were drinking beer propped against the work surface and talking about the weekend's football results. It was more relaxing than he'd imagined the evening would be, but then he wasn't in the same room as Sammy. He'd jumped to conclusions earlier, accused her of creating this evening to avoid being with him. But Corinne told him that this was all her idea.
Unfortunately he and Sammy were creeping around each other without talking properly. The kiss was the white elephant in the room; they had to sort it out before her often caustic mother entered the frame, because things would only get worse then.