This song should be played throughout the chapter it really helps. Sorry in advance for is about to happen :(
I fall asleep during the movie and when I wake up the sun still hasn't made an appearance and my mother is cooking something really awesome smelling in the kitchen while humming.
I stretch my arms and legs while pressing pause on the movie that has restarted some how.
Placing my foot onto the carpet I stand up and blink a couple time to rid the dizziness of my eyes.
"Oh your awake!" My mom squeaks obviously startled from my presence all of a sudden.
"Yeah, just woke up," I inform and take a seat at the island to watch her cook.
"Well, I'm making some chicken noodle soup if you want some," she says and I nod.
I look at the clock on the microwave and it reads three o'clock. Wow. I slept that long.
"How are you feeling?" She asks after a while.
"I'm good," I answer.
The events of last night still are fresh in my mind and no matter how hard I try to act like it shouldn't matter, it does.
Every time I think of the way he threw our intimate moment in my face, I feel my cheeks heat with guilt and regret.
He knew that those words would effect me and that's exactly what he wanted. He got his wish and now I feel like an even worse person.
Not to mention knowing my dad is in the Mafia, a boss for that matter and Bobbie only became my friend so her family could protect me. I wonder how much money their earning from all this?
"Jacey?" I look up and my eyes meet my moms concerned ones.
I look more like my dad than my mom with brown hair and tan skin while my mom is pale with black hair.
"Hmm?" I ask, trying to act as natural as I can.
"Are you alright? You don't look good at all," she asks worried.
"I'm fine. I think I'm just going to go...take a shower," I nod.
"Didn't you already take a bath?" She questions.
"Yeah, but I feel sticky and...yeah," I say and rush off to my room.
Hurrying to get in the safety of my bedroom and closing the door, I sink down to the floor and pull my knees to my chest.
Bobbie and all of them only became my friends to protect me, for the money. She never really cared about me that's why it didn't matter to her I did such an intimate thing with her brother.
Everything seems to add up and I can't help the sob that escapes my lips.
The only friends I have, tricked me into thinking they genuinely care, but they're only pretending for the money.
I was a fool to trust so easily, I knew that the reason why we moved so much was not because my dad kept getting transferred, now I know it's because people are after me.
My father. My father is the most feared Mafia boss in the world and I hadn't even known. I was so oblivious to everything around me.
Every time he would talk about drugs in his office, when I would eavesdrop, it wasn't because he was trying to track down the people and arrest them. It's because he was probably selling them.
My dad has killed people, probably more than I could ever imagine. He deals with drugs and money. He probably even deals with sex trafficking too, who knows?
I've been lied to my whole life. My whole life has been a lie and I don't even know who my parents are anymore.
Nothing is as it seems and now I'm in it for life.
I took the code of Omertà and I can't back out now. When was I ever able to though?
There's a knock on my door followed by my mothers voice.
"Jacey? Soup is ready if your up to it," her voice is slightly muffled by the door, but I hear her quite clearly.
"I'm not feeling to well, I'm just going to lay down," I tell her and she responds with and 'okay, tell me if you need anything' before I hear her feet pad away.
I begin to cry again, sticky, wet tears run down my cheeks and chin, ending up on my shirt.
I hiccup and feel bile rise rise my throat.
I hurriedly run towards my bathroom and throw up all the contents of my empty stomach.
I dry heave while sobbing and images of Marissa hanging from the ceiling because of me flashes through my mind making me heave into the toilet again.
•••
When I open my eyes for the third time today, I feel the evidence of my mental breakdown on my cheeks. My eyes feel crusty and just overall gross.
I'm laying on the rug in my bathroom and my knees are pressed to my chest as I'm on my side.
I slowly sit up, and stand to walk over to the sink.
Squirting my scented soap in my hands I run it onto face and then rinse it off feeling the dried tears rush off my face.
I dry off my cheeks and under my eyes before walking into my room.
It's about five thirty and I can smell dinner cooking downstairs.
My dads deep voice is heard also and I begin to feel the emotions try to make their way up again, but I do my best to push them back down.
No feeling, no pain.
"Jacey?" My mom walks into my room and looks worried. "Are you going to come eat?"
"I'm not hungry," I state monotonously.
"You haven't eaten all day. Your body needs nutrition," she reminds me politely.
"Seriously, mom I'm not-"
"Your going to come downstairs and eat. You need it," she doesn't give me room to argue before she's out the door.
I sigh and walk downstairs with a blank face.
"Have a seat," my mom instructs and I sit our square table, facing my mom while my dads at my side.
The dinner is the chicken soup that she probably just finished making with rolls and butter, and water.
I pour some soup in a bowl and butter a roll before pouring a glass of water.
"How was school?" My dad asks after minutes of eating silently.
"I didn't go," I answer and keep looking down as I sip on the hot soup.
"Why?" He asks.
"I didn't feel well," I answer.
There's no emotion behind my voice, none at all and I can tell it's starting to agitate my dad, but oh well.
"Were you really?" He asks, a little more sternly this time.
"Yes," I grit my teeth.
"Look at me," he demands.
I sigh heavily before picking my head up and staring at my father with bored eyes.
"Are you sure it wasn't because you were at your friend Bobbie's house and stayed up so late you didn't want to go to school?" He put a lot of thought into that one.
"I'm surprised you weren't happy about that," I mumble without thinking.
"What?" He asks, raising his voice slightly.
My eyes widen in shock at what I just said and try to think of an explanation.
"I-I-I don't-" I stutter.
Great, this is just great.
"Tell me what you said, now," his voice is hard and I nearly pee my pants.
"I said 'I'm surprised you weren't happy about that,'" I whisper ashamed.
I did not plan on telling him what I've recently found out about him.
This is not good.
"Why would I be happy about that?" He asks trying to play innocent.
Anger boils inside of me. Anger and sadness as I see he probably will never tell me what's going on himself.
I'm done being left out of things, I'm sick of being the naive little girl everyone seems to think I am.
I can handle it, I'm not stupid and incapable of understanding so why do people always pursue me as that type.
"Come on, dad. Your still trying to play this game with me?" I shake my head in disappointment.
Never in a million years would I talk to my dad this way, if it was any other situation he probably would've already grounded me and punished me. This time is a little different, though.
Now I have the upper hand.
"I beg your pardon?" He growls.
My mom watches slightly afraid of what will happen next and maybe a little confused as to why her angelic daughter is suddenly acting devilish.
"I know all about your actual job. I know all about you setting up my 'friends' so they can protect me. I know your paying them off to keep a close eye on me." I pause and look at my dad to say anything, but he doesn't.
"All this time, I thought these people were actually my friends, that they actually cares for me genuinely, but it's all been a lie! My whole life has been a lie! You guys lied to me, to what? Keep me safe? Because it didn't," I rant.
"People are dying because of me, they know that there's a chance they'll die, but their in it for the money, not my safety."
Tears flow down my face and I can't help the hiccups that leave my mouth as my parents stare at me grimly and guiltily.
"I thought the one guy that actually liked me really did, but he only did because he wanted the money that came with me not dying. My best friend was never really my best friend, she was because she had to!
"All of these things were lies. My life is a lie! Your job is a lie! Moving to a different house every other month for a job transfer was a lie! Everything I once knew is and has always been a lie!" I scream.
My chest is heaving up and down with every thought.
"For all I know mom isn't really my mom," I spit and stand up front the table, and throw my glass cup against the wall.
The glass shatters into pieces like my whole world. Perfect example.
"Jacey!" My fathers voice booms through the house. "Calm down-"
"Don't you dare tell me to calm down," I seethe. "You lied to me, you don't deserve my forgiveness or civilization to you."
"Your my daughter, that hasn't changed," he states calmly.
"Bullshit! If I was really anything to you, you wouldn't have kept this a secret. You wouldn't have lied to me and manipulated me.
"I'm humiliated and embarrassed that while I was ecstatic about finally having friends, I was never their friend, I was their money making tree!"
My mom has tears running down her cheeks as my dad looks heartbroken and guilty.
Good.
They deserve to feel even a fraction of what I felt when I finally came to realization my life is fake.
"I'm sorry," my dads voice cracks and I shake my head turning around, climbing the stairs to my room.
Fuck life.
I don't need it.
If what these people want is me dead, I'll make it easier for them.
I don't think as I lock my bedroom door and head to the bathroom, locking that door as well.
I pull open the drawer, tears blurring my vision while I curse, rummaging through the clutter.
My eyes catch the silver item and pull it out.
I analyze it before pressing it to my wrist. The blade is sharp and I can already feel it trying to penetrate my skin.
"I was never really alive, I've always been dead."
With those words I cut my skin open with the razor, crying harder at the pain.
Death means no more pain.
_______________
Ugh I'm balling!!! I've never written a scene like this before and I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart.
So sorry boos that things are turning out this way but the story will progress with this very important scene.
Was this sad? Are you crying just as much as I am? Lots of drama?
Don't be a silent reader!!
Enjoy. Love you <3
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