Author's Note fünfundachtzig:
The song Harry is singing for Jetta is "Don't Let Me Go" (duh... couldn't very well pass that opportunity up, now could I?)- I'm sure you're all well aware of it but it just fit so PERFECTLY into the scene! (Originally I was going to use a different song but ppl kept guessing it was going to be this one, so after face palming myself I quickly changed the lyrics lol)
Check it out in the media section if u happen to live under a rock and have never heard the song =P
P.S this chapter contains SEXUAL CONTENT as well as SELF HARM... you have been warned.
I hope you all don't hate me by the end :'(
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Chapter 15: You Can Take the Blade Away from the Girl
|| h a r r y ||
After tossing and turning in my bed for a good hour, I finally decided to give up on sleeping and stare at the ceiling fan as it spun around in lazy circles; for some reason I just couldn't get comfortable. I either felt too hot or too cold and was getting so irritated that eventually I just kicked all of the blankets off of the bed so that they toppled over onto the floor.
My eyes wandered back over toward the bedside alarm clock that was sitting mockingly on the nightstand with it's glowing red numbers, showing me that it was 2am. Just forget it, she's obviously not coming, you idiot.
I sighed deeply before rolling onto my side once more, lightly humming the melody to a song that I'd been working on lately, a song that I hadn't told anyone about. Not even Louis... Hell, especially not Louis.
Resting my arms behind my head, I stared up at the fan once more as I laid there, scantily clad in only my boxers (which I'd kept on for Jetta's sake), as I closed my eyes and began to sing lightly, shivering as the lyrics formed on my tongue and disappeared into the blackness of the room, only to be heard by my ears, which was probably the way things would always be;
"Now you were standing there right in front of me
I hold on it's getting harder to breathe
All of a sudden these lights are blinding me
I never noticed how bright they would be"
I paused for a moment, trying to catch my breath; the eerie silence of the room was only slightly thrown off by the subtle chirps of some rouge crickets who sounded like they were sitting right outside my window.
I waited a few seconds, listening to the chirps before continuing on, using the crickets to help me keep the beat; as I tilted my chin upward toward the ceiling, my voice grew louder and more intense;
"I saw in the corner there is a photograph
No doubt in my mind it's a picture of you
It lies there alone in its bed of broken glass
This bed was never made for two
"I'll keep my eyes wide open
I'll keep my arms wide open
"Don't let me
Don't let me
Don't let me go
'Cause I'm tired of feeling alone"
My voice grew scratchy so I immediately stopped to clear my throat and my thoughts for a few seconds as I thought about the meaning of the words I'd written down. I tried to tell myself that it hadn't been for her, but now as I laid by myself in this lonely bed, my mind could think of nothing but her bright eyes and mischievous smile; in that moment, I realized that she's exactly who I'd written this song for... and the thought brought a new discomfort to my heart.
I coughed a few times, trying to get myself to relax and relieve the tightness of my throat before continuing on;
"I promised one day that I'll bring you back a star
I caught one and it burn--"
I stopped once again as I heard a creaky floorboard outside my door, and my eyes widened at the hope of her actually being out there.
"Jetta?" I called hesitantly, trying to convince myself that I was just imagining things so I wouldn't feel so let down to find that the hallway was empty.
I waited a few seconds and when I got no reply, I decided to shut the door I'd left somewhat open for her, in hopes that she wouldn't have felt so awkward about entering, had she bothered to come see me at all.
I fought the poisonous bitterness out of my thoughts as I slid off of the mattress and approached the open door; at the last moment, I decided to take a peek out in the hallway, just to put my mind at ease. However, when I did so, I was startled as I met a pair of guilty looking eyes which looked terrified as she quickly shuffled backwards, away from the door.
"Jet? What are you doing out here?" I asked in a hushed tone as I reached out to grab her hand and tug her into my room, fighting the urge to wrap her in my arms and squeeze the life out of her.
She walked towards the bed and I followed closely behind as she gracefully climbed onto the mattress and curled into the fetal position; I immediately snatched the covers off of the floor and draped them over her body, trying my best not to stare at her long legs which were on display.
"Why didn't you just come inside?" I asked softly, attempting to keep my voice indifferent even though I so desperately wanted to tell her how happy I was to have her with me... but I couldn't... that wouldn't help anyone in our situation. I was just a friend doing her a favor, nothing more.
As I slowly climbed onto the bed and scooted up behind her, my knees rested comfortably against the backs of her legs and I awkwardly wrapped an arm around her waist, making sure not to caress her skin, even though I was itching to do so.
I felt her body go rigid as I leaned against her, so I took a moment to push her hair back as my lips found her ear, "Shhh..." I whispered, "It's okay," I assured her gently, immediately feeling her relax in my arms.
I swallowed loudly as I watched her roll over, although her face was clouded with hesitation, the smile that broke across her lips immediately brought one to mine as well, "Harry... that song... what was that song you were singing?" she questioned, biting down on her bottom lip before her blue eyes worked up the courage to meet my gaze.
I really wish I could see what was going on inside her head; she just seemed so conflicted, and I wasn't entirely sure what it was all about.
After clearing my throat I scrambled for an answer that wouldn't make me sound so pathetic, "It's just a song I've been helping Niall write for Channing," I lied, immediately feeling even more guilty as her smile faltered for a moment before she quickly recovered it, but it wasn't the same... it was more forced.
"Oh... right," she mumbled, not taking her eyes away from mine, "We'll, it was lovely," she complimented, and I was thankful for the darkness of the room as I felt my cheeks growing warm.
I nodded in agreement, too afraid to back out of my lie, and feeling much too guilty about the tiny look of disappointment that flitted across her face. Was she hoping it was for her? God, if only she knew...
Her eyes were closed and her breathing was steady as she rested her head on my bicep, and her cheek pressed against my chest. Using my free hand, I lightly brushed her hair away from her forehead before allowing myself to trace the outline of her face. I studied her relaxed features as I brought my hand to her face, gently cupping the bottom of her cheek.
She looked so innocent and perfect, and I resisted the urge to sneak a kiss onto her unknowing lips. She would have never known... but I felt like that would have been disrespectful. I'm not so desperate as to steal affection from sleeping women... yet.
"I'll be whatever you need me to be; a friend, a brother, an ally... anything," I mumbled, talking so quietly that I could barely hear my own whisper.
"I just want to be in your life... I don't mind what role I'm given," I added, wishing she could hear me, but also being thankful that she couldn't.
After my confession, it sort of gave me an epiphany; maybe I felt like I could so easily mold and change myself to fit into her life was because the love I felt for her was more similar to the love a brother might feel for a sister. Albeit, I was still incredibly attracted to her... maybe I really did love her enough to let her go. Even though I was praying she wouldn't do the same for me.
After a few seconds of silence I laid my cheek against the top of her head, "I love you Jet... I don't know what type of love that is yet... but I love you. All I know is I want you to be happy, even if this is the most you can give me, I'll take it," I whispered, ever so lightly caressing her arm with my fingertips once more.
I jumped slightly as Jetta suddenly cleared her throat and peeked an eye open at me, "How's a girl supposed to get any sleep 'round here if you keep expressing your feelings," she teased me lightly before lifting her head and pressing her lips to my cheek. I felt a jolt from the contact and my face immediately caught a flame, as I tried desperately to fight the heat which was growing not only in my cheeks, but my entire body.
"I thought you were asleep," I mumbled, clearing my throat harshly in an attempt to erase the embarrassing highness that had creeped into my voice.
Jet giggled softly at my mortification, which was a rather common thing by now, "Didn't you learn your lesson the first time we slept together and you spoke your feelings while you thought I was asleep?" she asked, reminding me of this exact same thing happening nearly three months earlier... when I'd only known her for a few short days. Who knew I'd be here with her now, making the same stupid mistakes?
I chuckled as I remembered, nodding my head at the memory; I quickly felt the need to readjust myself when I felt my boxers growing tight, considering that memory got a little heated at the end before Louis walked in.
"I'm sorry I'm such a mushy sap," I muttered, my eyes unintentionally wandering down to stare at her lips.
We laid in silence, it wasn't necessarily awkward, but it was far from being comfortable as well. I even felt my eyes growing heavy before Jetta's soft voice alerted my senses once more, "P.K.P?" she whispered, smirking up at me as she waited for my reaction; I rolled my eyes in order to appease her, (even though I'd grown fond of the nickname), before she gave me a satisfied smile, "Will you finish Channing's song?" she asked in such a small voice, that it broke my heart the way she'd phrased it as 'Channing's song'... because it certainly wasn't for Channing. It's for you, you silly, beautiful, confusing, amazing girl.
'It's for you!' I shouted at her in my head, practicing my telepathic powers; I sighed lightly as I realized she wasn't Edward Cullen (thank God) and therefore, unable to pick up on my mind speak.
"Of course," I whispered, kissing her forehead, allowing my lips to rest on her skin a little too long before pulling away and realizing I should probably stop doing that, but you know what they say... old habits die hard.
I thought for a moment to where I'd previously left off, clearing my mind and hugging her against me tightly as I quietly sang the lyrics which she didn't know were meant for her... and only her.
|| j e t t a ||
Harry's chin was pressed against my forehead as his raspy voice began singing again, the raspiness making me fight off the goosebumps which were threatening to consume me;
"I promised one day that I'd bring you back a star,
I caught one and it burned a hole in my hand"
Seems like these days, I watch you from afar,
"Just trying to make you understand...
I'll keep my eyes wide open"
The way the intensity shifted in his voice when he stretched out the last two lines seriously brought a shiver that reached deep enough to touch my soul; although he'd started singing barely above a whisper, he was now unleashing the full wrath of his raw, gritty voice which was capable of destroying lives and shattering hearts;
"Don't let me
Don't let me
Don't let me go
'Cause I'm tired of feeling alone,"
He continued to repeatedly sing the chorus, his melodic tone lulling me into a much sought after peacefulness that had been too hard for me to reach lately. My eyelids drooped and I could feel my breathing slowing down to an even, more rhythmic pace.
As his voice grew even softer towards the end, I could feel the lovely hands of sleep grasping me tightly, preparing to pull me away into a darkness where things were easy and everything made sense.
"Don't let me,
Don't let me go..."
His raspy drawl strung the last word of the line much longer than necessary before pausing with hesitation; I wanted to ask him what was wrong, but it seemed too much work to crawl back out of comfortable state I was in.
He took a deep breath before bringing his lips even closer to me, barely skimming my earlobe, "'Cause I'm tired of sleeping alone," his beautiful whisper seeped into my mind before it crept greedily through my veins, making sure to leave no part of me untouched.
As his arms tightened around me, I finally surrendered and let go of every once of consciousness. My final thoughts before being taken under the blackness weren't focused on how much I missed Louis, nor were they on how happy I felt in Harry's arms; no, my final thoughts were on that song, and how deep down inside, I knew it wasn't written for Channing.
|| h a r r y || (again... sorry)
As soon as I felt myself following Jetta into a state of peacefulness, we were both startled awake as someone hastily threw the door open, expecting it was Louis, I waved my arm at the intruder, "Lou, mate we're not fucking, just go back to sleep," I said carelessly, before wrapping my arm back around Jetta and snuggling into her hair.
"Jetta! I need your help NOW!" we both sat up quickly, staring with our mouths hanging open at an insane looking Niall as he quickly approached the bed, tearing the blankets away and grabbing ahold of Jet's forearm, tearing her away from me.
She gave me a confused look but got up to follow him nonetheless.
What the hell could have him so worked up? Things were supposed to be easy now... what the fuck has gone wrong, now?
I jumped up from the bed, following them across the hall to the other bedroom, trying to fight the horrendous accusations that were swirling in my mind, obviously trying to place the blame on Channing. My heart sunk for her, because I knew her problems weren't her fault, but still... a person could only put up with so much until they cracked. Who knew when Niall would hit his limit?
|| n i a l l || [warning! mature scene coming at ya]
The weird porno movie was still playing in the background as Channing and I got nestled together in the arm chair which was situated toward the back of the room, so everyone else was lounging around in front of us, and I quite liked having the privacy.
She was lying with her head against my chest while I slipped my fingers through her long hair that ran down her back in soft waves.
I pressed my lips to her skin briefly before pulling away and watching as she lifted her head up to look at me, "You were great tonight," she whispered, "but then again, you always are," she added, actually causing my cheeks to redden slightly.
People complimented me all the time, but for some reason when Channing did, it felt special. I don't know why, but she just had that effect on me.
The corners of her lips tugged up into a small smile before she lifted her hand and lightly brushed her fingertips along me cheek; I groaned internally because she'd obviously noticed my blush, but being the sweet girl she was, she didn't say anything. She wasn't one to embarrass someone, unlike Jetta. Oh my God, Jet was so bad about that. I felt for Louis... I really did, but then again, he was the same way. Sometimes I forgot they were pretty much the same person.
She continued brushing her fingers along my cheeks until I could feel the heat leaving my face and I snuggled up against her in relief, "Do you want to come lay down with me?" she asked in a small voice, which seemed innocent yet so full of other intentions as well.
I startled her as I practically jumped from the chair with her still in my arms; I wobbled a bit on my feet before allowing her to slip down and walk on her own. Her fingers intertwined with mine and I saluted the rest of the lads as we headed toward the hallway to the room we shared.
There were a few catcalls and whistles taking place as we left and Channing gripped my hand tighter as she tried to hurry from the room. Each of the boys as well as Jetta took turns yelling "Good night Olive" to which she replied with a simple, "Night guys," I laughed at her indifference, but I knew on the inside she was probably embarrassed by their innuendos and remarks. Louis was yelling down the hallway, singing some absurd song that would make any normal person cringe;
"You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Gettin' horny now!"
You could hear the rest of the group laughing at his singing, but it surprised me when even Channing began laughing at his obnoxious words, "Ew, why on earth is he singing 'The Bad Touch'?" she asked, making an adorably disgusted face.
She stopped walking for a second before turning around and jogging back over to the end of the hallway, "Jet, stop corrupting your boyfriend with the Bloodhound Gang's songs! They're horrible!" she scolded, but began laughing nonetheless before turning to head back toward me.
"Never! That's my jam!" I could hear Jetta's muffled voice; Channing just shook her head before turning and approaching me. We smiled at one another as she placed her hands against my chest and began walking me backward until my back hit our closed door.
She sneakily reached her arms around my waist, quickly opening the door before ushering me inside. Once we were in, she urged me backwards until the back of my legs hit the edge of the mattress and I fell on my arse. Chan giggled as she quickly kicked the door shut and slid into my lap; as she touched her forehead to mine, she paused for a moment and we just looked at one another.
"Hi," she said simply, and to which I replied to her with a "Hi," as well.
"Let's play a game, she whispered, pulling her face away from mine, as I subtly tried to close the annoying distance between our lips.
I perked up at her suggestion though and wrapped my arms around her waist as I slowly laid back until my head touched the pillows, bringing her down with me. Our noses were touching as she hovered above me and I left my hands at her sides, raising her shirt slightly to grip her smooth skin.
Her eyes fluttered shut and she sighed as one of my hands crawled down to rest comfortably against her bum.
"Ok," she whispered, drawing my attention away from her lips and up to her eyes, "the rules are... you can touch me wherever and however you want, but no kissing... first one caves gives oral," she continued with a simple, mischievous smirk.
I probably shouldn't have gotten so turned on by the simple way the word oral left her lips accompanied by a playful giggle, but I couldn't help the twitch in my jeans which signified a battle she'd most certainly already won.
"Yer on," I mumbled, raising my face up to hers so it was as close as possible without our lips coming together.
Her breathing faltered as my mouth urgently flew to just under her jaw, sucking gently before searching for the pulse in her neck.
"Yeh ne'er -- said anyting-- about kissin'-- yeh ev'rywhere else," I mumbled against her skin, before taking the opportunity to roll us over so that she was beneath me, granting me better access to everywhere else I wanted to touch.
Her playful glare was soon transformed into a face of pleasure as I reached my hand down between her legs, "Damn... cheater," she gasped, clenching her legs together in an attempt to control the situation.
I chuckled lightly at her accusations as I sat up and placed my fingertips at the waist of her leggings, hinting at her to raise her bum so that I could easily tug them off, to which she willingly complied.
I searched her face before sliding my hands slowly down her naked thighs, caressing her skin carefully; she sat up abruptly, her hands flying to my belt and working quickly to pry it off. I chuckled at her eagerness and repositioned myself so that she could pull my jeans down as well.
After shedding our tops and she teasingly removed her bra, I almost lost the game as I allowed myself to get carried away. We were left in nothing but our knickers and I pulled her tightly against me, pressing our chests together as I leaned her backwards until she was resting against the bed once more. Her dark hair spilled out, creating a beautiful contrast against the white sheets as it surrounded her.
I echoed the sweet sounds of her moans, grinding my body against hers as the friction between us caused her to buck her hips up uncontrollably.
My mouth desperately searched for any and every part of her I was allowed to touch; you'd be surprised how damn hard it was to stay away from those lips, though.
She whimpered as I sucked on her neck, allowing my disobedient mouth to make its way up until I was barely hovering over her parted lips. I was trying to tempt her, but her stubbornness was fairing well against my tricks.
Our hot breath was getting caught in the tiny space between us as Channing moaned against my lips; my eyes widened before I felt her reach down and grip me firmly beneath my boxers.
Strangled groans left my throat as she gripped me in her warm hand, sliding it smoothly from the base of my shaft to the top and back again.
It'd been far too long since I'd gotten to feel her touch like this, and I was in a blissful haze as she continued slipping her hand up and down my length, applying pressure at just the right times to bring me to my knees.
Without even trying, she almost had me to a point of exploding, so I carefully grabbed a hold of her hand, easing her to a stop as I held her waist and brought us back down to lie on the bed.
I buried my face into the crook of her neck as I slid my hand up to her cheek, cupping her face gently, "Chan, we need tah slow it down, or I'll be finished behfore we even get star'ed," I mumbled against her shoulder.
She bit her bottom lip in a teasing fashion as she let her fingertips dance up the side of my face, pushing my hair off of my sweaty forehead, "I love you," she whispered, laughing gently as she did the unthinkable and pressed her lips firmly to mine.
It only took me a few seconds to forget about my useless victory before getting lost in the warmth of her lips and the taste of her tongue as it brushed against mine. The miracle that was happening due to the friction between our lips could never be considered something as simple as a kiss; rather, it felt like a magnetism, drawing us together like nothing I'd ever felt before.
"I love you too," I whispered, picking her up and swiftly sitting her on my lap before harshly connecting our lips once more.
We both groaned as soon as she landed on my painfully obvious erection, still hidden beneath my boxers. She smirked before slowly swiveling her hips to further wind me up, and something close to a growl left my throat as I gripped her wrists and flipped us over so that I was gently pinning her down beneath me.
Her breath was coming out in harsh pants as she stared up at me with not only longing and passion in her gaze, but also trust, and above all else... love.
I swiped my hand down the side of her face, brushing her disheveled waves away from her forehead before allowing my hand to gently grip the back of her neck, lifting her head up slightly to reconnect with my lips.
"I need you," she whispered so faintly, I couldn't be sure if she'd actually said anything or if she it was my own mind playing tricks on me. I brushed my lips against hers more furiously for a few seconds before pulling away, her slight whimper of disappointment bringing a smile to my face.
"Shh..." I whispered along her neck as I slowly slid my body down hers, kissing her neck, her ribs, her stomach, her thighs, all the way down to her most sensitive parts.
I glanced back up at her as I positioned myself between her legs, gently caressing her exposed thighs as I studied her face for any hesitation; when I only saw curiosity and wonder, I took that as my queue to lower my lips to her warmth, taking the time and care to kiss her thighs as well before twisting my tongue all around the bundle of nerves that were tempting me past the point of no return.
|| c h a n n i n g ||
My body was trembling in anticipation, but I couldn't help but feel nervous about the intimate gesture Niall was offering to me. Of course we'd made love numerous times, but for some reason, knowing that he was going to not only see and touch me in unmentionable places, but taste me as well... it just left me lying there in a nervous puddle of insecurity.
He could tell I was hesitant about the ordeal, so I knew he was trying to make me as comfortable as possible; I squeezed my eyes shut tightly as I felt his warm breath caressing me, and I bit my lip as he trailed his wet lips from kissing my thighs down to my core.
It was strange to say the least, but as soon as he got going, I found my body trying to break free from his grip. Not out of fear, but out of pleasure. My eyes may have been squeezed shut, but from time to time I'd glance down to see his blonde hair bobbing between my legs, shivering at the fact that his tongue was buried deep inside me.
I grabbed onto the sheets in order to gain purchase of something, trying to keep myself from floating away; I moaned as I felt his hands slide up my legs, and over my stomach, only to cover one of my hands which was gripping the sheets tightly next to my hip. He intertwined his fingers with mine and I closed my eyes again, trying to hold my screams back as his new pattern of licking and sucking alternated to a gentle nibble, in exactly the right spot to make my body shake.
Although I loved everything he was doing to me, I only wanted one thing at the moment: his lips on mine as he moved inside of me.
"Ni-- Niall!" I cried out a little more loudly than I'd intended, but his blue eyes glanced up to meet mine and I took the opportunity to grab ahold of his shoulders and pull his mouth back up to mine.
"Yeh didn' like it?" he asked, while I attacked his lips and I immediately began shaking my head, "Of course I did, you idiot!" I said with a laugh as he lowered me back down to the bed, positioning himself at my entrance, and kissing me along my jaw.
"-- but I didn't want to finish like that... I wanted to finish with you like this... together," I admitted, not even the least bit embarrassed because he seemed to be gripping me as tightly as I was holding him.
His lips quirked up into a little smile as he pressed the tip of himself against me, but driving me mad because he wasn't pushing himself inside.
"Niall..." I begged, trying to thrust against him so I could fill that dull ache which was building in my stomach, yearning for his touch.
His eyes sparkled in amusement at my whimpering, so I took it upon myself to flip us over, so that I was the one in control. As soon as I had him pinned beneath me, he stared up at me with wide and excited eyes as I brought myself down, slipping his length into me.
I watched him as he entered me, smiling as his face tensed up and his eyes fluttered shut for a moment before wrapping his arms around my shoulders and pushing himself the rest of the way inside. We both released a strangled cry against each other's lips, as he grabbed my hips and began moving me up and down.
"God... Chan..." he mumbled as I leaned myself back, further sheathing him inside of me, before rotating my hips in a random pattern of sharp movements. For a split second, as he sat up, wrapping his arms around me, my mind wandered away from the present, into a broken memory of my past. A few flashes of Ryder's harsh face and rough touch littered my mind as I left Niall hug me tightly, never sliding out of me as he easily rolled us over on the bed so that he was hovering over me.
I tried to stay in the moment with Niall, but the flashes kept assaulting not only my mind, but my ears as I could hear my own screams, and an immense amount of tension clouded vision as I felt like the past was trying to repeat itself.
I almost forgot where I was for a second, my heart kept telling me I was safe, but my mind kept alternating flashes of Niall and Ryder over me, and after a few terrifying seconds I couldn't remember if I was having nightmares about Ryder during a loving moment with Niall... or if I was dreaming of Niall while being taken against my will by that sick fuck who took everything from me.
Panic began setting into my stomach, as the flashes became more intense, constantly switching between both Niall and Ryder and I fought back the urge to scream because of my confusion. I was gripping onto the arms of whoever was holding me tightly, digging my nails into their shoulders in an attempt to control the situation.
"Channing? What's wrong?!" a frantic voice asked, and I could feel a pair of gentle hands brushing away the wetness that was rolling down my cheeks.
"Olive?" the voice asked again, immediately clearing the smoke that was swarming my mind, and allowing me to see Niall's beautiful face staring down at me with a painful amount of concern in his eyes.
"Baby, what's wrong?" he urged, holding completely still, and I could feel he'd already pulled out of me and was now hugging me tightly, resting his cheek against mine as he repeated my name. I knew I wasn't hurt, I knew I was safe, but I couldn't stop my body from trembling in fear of whatever the hell just happened... it felt so real... and that scared me more than anything.
"Niall?" a broken voice, I didn't even recognize as my own asked, causing him to look at me in confusion.
"I'm righ' here," he assured me quickly, placing kisses on my forehead and cheeks before meeting my eyes once more.
I released a hysterical sob as I wrapped my arms around him, burying my face into his neck as I felt my body shaking against him, "Oh, God Niall... I'm so sorry," I whispered, pulling away as I looked down in shame.
"What happened,?" he asked, nothing but concern in his tone as he still held me tightly against him; he brought the sheet up, wrapping it around my shoulders, covering me so I wasn't so exposed. Our moment of passion long forgotten as he securely held me against him, rubbing soothing circles along my the knuckles of the hand that was still wrapped around mine.
"I don't really know... one second I was looking up at you, and the next I kept getting flashes of Ryder as he... you know..." I trailed off, my voice sounding broken and ashamed; Niall laid us down pulling the duvet up so that we were covered as he hugged me tightly, "and I couldn't tell if that was a nightmare, or this was a dream..." I added sadly, covering my face with my hands just so I wouldn't have to see that heartbroken stare Niall was giving me.
He looked so sad, like he'd been the one to do something wrong, that it literally was ripping what was left of my soul to shreds. Niall slowly pulled my hands down, tilting my chin up to look him right in the eye as he recomposed his face, softening his features, trying to mask his horror and disappointment, "I'm so sorry, did I do some-- was I bein' too rough? Did I-- did I hurt y--?" he kept frantically trying to ask a question that I didn't know the answer to. I didn't know what happened, but it had scared me so badly, I could still feel my heart racing.
I took a second to catch my breath before placing my hand against his cheek, "I'm sorry Niall... you did nothing... it was me... I-- I don't know what's wrong with me," I whimpered, trying to stop my eyes from watering.
"Ye-- yeh thought I was him?" he asked, his voice so small and unsure that I couldn't take it. I just couldn't. So I did the only thing I could do... I ran.
"I'm sorry," I cried, untangling myself from his arms and rolling off of the bed, bringing the sheet up around me as he rolled over on the opposite side. I could see him hurry to get his boxers back on as I dashed over toward the bathroom that was thankfully connected to our room.
"No, Chan... wait!" he yelled after me, causing me to cry harder as I slipped into the bathroom, quickly closing the door behind me.
I tried not to look, but my eyes betrayed me as I searched his face, feeling the knife twist in my heart as his broken and terrified eyes met mine right as I slammed the door in his face.
Oh God, what is wrong with me? How could I ever think that Niall was that scum?
I slid down against the door, choking as I tried to keep my crying under control while he pounded on the, begging me to open it.
"Channing, it's fine! Yer still recoverin'-- we shoulda waited longer, baby, please, open the door!" he whispered, desperation laced in his words, but his hands were knocking more gently on the door.
I sniffled a few times as I buried my face in the white sheet, trying to calm myself down; but it was hard when I could hear Niall still trying to talk to me through the door. Every time I heard his voice, I just saw that look of utter disbelief he gave me right after I'd told him what happened. I wasn't mad at him, I was mad at myself. Hearing that I'd thought he was Ryder was probably like a smack in the face; I got to my feet, turning on the shower, trying to drown out his pleading voice for a few seconds so that I could clear my mind.
Steam began to fog the mirror as I dropped the sheet and stared back at my unappealing reflection: my face was pale and gaunt, while the rest of my body was just littered in marks and bruises. How Niall claimed to love me, I'll never understand. The boy must be blind. Maybe this was my punishment for taking him away from the more deserving girls of the world, surely there were other girls who deserved him much more than I did.
I squeezed my eyes shut for a few seconds before slowly turning around, and although I tried to prepare myself for what I was about to see, I still released a startled gasp as I turned my shoulder slightly to reveal the horrendous scars that decorated my once smooth back.
As I reached behind me to touch one of the marks, I was suddenly terrified as a flash of memory barreled it's way into my thoughts, and I swear I could feel him hitting me with the belt buckle once again. Oh my God... what was happening to me?
I threw myself against the wall, trying to clear the horrid memory before crawling into the shower stall and huddling in the corner. As the stinging water beat down on my back, I buried my face into my knees sobbing at the strange turn of events: Niall was finally going to take me away from this hell... to a place where I... where we could be happy... but even though I was physically saved, my mind still seemed to be held captive in that tiny bedroom, shuddering in fear, shattering my trust in not only the people around me, but everyone. Niall was helping to rebuild that trust and I just took 5,000 steps back from any progress we were making.
I swallowed harshly, knowing there was only one way I was going to get relief and gain control over my mind again; I reached out of the shower, grabbing my makeup bag from the sink; with shaky fingers, I unzipped it, spilling out the contents and scattering them all over the floor. I sifted through the mess until I spotted what I was looking for, my eyeliner pencil sharpener. Without a second thought, I grasped it firmly in my fingers, hitting it multiple time against the porcelain sink until I felt the cheap plastic that housed the blade begin to crack from the pressure.
My fingers were slippery, but after a few tries, I got a firm grip on the tiny hidden blade, before pulling it back into the shower. I sat in hesitation, holding the blade at first over my thighs but then changing to hold it over my wrist, the same wrist that Jeff had recently carved a huge scar into. Flashes of both Jeff and Ryder were making it hard for me to catch my breath, and all I wanted was for it to stop. I didn't want to remember them. I didn't want to kill Niall by making him think he reminded me of them.
"Channing, I will kick this God damn door down again if yeh don't fuckin' open it!" Niall screamed, his obvious anger startling me enough to where I jumped, watching as the blade slit across my lower forearm. Although the cut wasn't large, the relief I felt as the first drops of warm crimson hit the shower floor was immediate... and with every cut, came a new numbness from the nightmares replaying over and over again in my head. I felt disgusting, ashamed, and like I was betraying Niall... but it was the only thing I knew, the only thing I was good at-- destroying things... particularly myself.
You can take the blade away from the girl, but you can't take the girl away from the blade.
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Author's Note sechsundachtzig:
Hi guys... sorry this probably wasn't exactly what you had in mind when I said there'd be Chialler smut... but it had to happen. C'mon she was just taken and violated again... you should have expected this with me because if someone is raped yet they have no problems with sex... that just isn't realistic.
Sorry I haven't been updating that much but y'all suck at voting so... u can only blame yourselves :p
P.S in case u were wondering, niall is still playing hard to get and hasn't followed me on Twitter... what a jock strap!
Twitter: @niallwafers =]
Instagram: @niallersdirtymofo
<3 Mandy