"I try not to laugh. Stitches aren't going to help. They fix skin, cuts, wounds, heal stuff on the outside. Everything broken with me is on the inside,"
~Jessica Sorensen
Within two days Michael finds himself sitting waiting for Luke only when the blonde comes he has to offer a smile.
"My mum's making me do some stuff, but I gave Ash a call and he'll be here any second to take you to get the stitches out,"
Michael tries not to look disappointed. It's not that he doesn't like Ashton, but the boy likes to get everything done in one shot. Michael knows that with Ashton getting his stitches out is a task that could take the rest of the day.
As if on cue there was a knock on the door and Michael gave Luke a quick kiss before opening it to see Ashton grinning at him. "Hey, Ash," Michael greeted.
"Hey, I hope you don't mind, but I've got a handful of errands to run today and I won't be able to squeeze in getting you home till later on," Ashton said apologetically.
"No problem," Michael told him closing the door and following him out to the car. Because it wasn't really a problem. Michael would rather spend time with Ashton then alone, but he knew Luke would be waiting at home and he'd definitely rather Luke.
Ashton climbed into the driver's seat and Michael slid into the passenger's seat next to him, his fingers pressing against the healed cut on his side.
"Hey, what are you doing, Mike?" Ashton asked pulling Michael's arm away from where he could grab at it.
"Sorry. I'm really nervous," Michael admitted.
"Did you, did you used to cut? When you were nervous I mean?"
"Yeah," Michael said with a laugh, "Nervous, anxious, angry, sad, lonely, anything really. I cut whenever I felt, because it was so overwhelming to feel,"
"What about when you didn't feel?"
"When I was numb?" Ashton nodded. "Then I cut because I wanted to feel pain. I always found a reason. Wanted to feel, stop feeling, calm my head, breathe for a moment. For everything,"
"Michael," Ashton wasn't exactly sure how to translate his thoughts into coherent sentences. "There, there are only four of us. And I know that four is such a small number. But four is more than three and more than two and more than one. And, Michael, four is more than zero. Does that make sense? I know that there are only four of us, but we love you and care for you more than anyone else has ever cared for another person. And I think that has to count for something. And I know that you probably want more than four, but four is the only number with the same amount of letters as it's worth? That means, to me at least, that anything above four when it comes to friends. Is fake. Quality over quantity right?"
Ashton glanced over to see Michael swatting at tears.
"Four is more than enough, Ashton. But it's hard when you don't even think you deserve zero," Michael told him.
"We'll stick by you, Mike. Every step to recovery," Ashton muttered as they pulled into the parking lot and he turned off the car. "Starting, with getting those stitches out,"
Michael laughed and followed Ashton out of the car and into the building.
They waited in the reception area for Michael's name to be called joking under their breath and snickering quietly. More than once they were complained about, but since Michael was a patient they couldn't just throw him out.
Eventually a nurse called his name and he followed him into a small office where he was instructed to remove his sweater. Michael obeyed and tried his best not to pay attention to anything.
He was dimly aware of slight pain in his side, but before long he was being told he could leave. When he met up with Ashton by the car he wasn't surprized to see a paper in his hands containing a list of what he needed to get done.
"How long are we looking at?" Michael asked gazing at the sheet.
"Few hours tops," Ashton told him. "First stop, pharmacy,"
Turns out Ashton had three prescriptions to fill. Michael sat waiting in a chair while Ashton gave the lady all three. He sat next to Michael and they waited for her to fill each one appropriately. As they were waiting it occurred to Michael that it was his birthday and his heart - if possible - sunk a little lower. He knew they all knew because of his medical forms, but not a single person had bothered to remember or to say happy birthday if they did.
Once the prescriptions were filled Ashton asked Michael to wait at the register with the woman as he searched for something for his mum. Around two hours after they arrived, Ashton and Michael were back in the car heading to the mall and Michael decided that, that was the longest he'd ever been in a pharmacy.
Ashton killed another hour wandering around a few shops looking for things for his brother and sister, and Michael trailed after him, practically begging him to take him home to Luke.
"I'm hungry. You hungry, Mike?"
"No. Can we please go? You can eat at Luke's,"
"Not yet. I still have some stuff to do, but first I am craving some Chinese food. You sure you don't want anything,"
Michael was either about to scream or burst into tears, so he simply shook his head. It took Ashton half an hour to decide what to order and nearly an hour to eat. If Michael had been paying attention he would have noticed the older boy constantly checking his phone for the time and realized something was up. But all he could focus on was Luke.
"Ashton, come on! I want to go home to Luke!" Michael exclaimed.
Ashton had to try extremely hard not to laugh. "Hang on, Mike. Just a few more stops,"
Michael groaned, "You said that four hours ago,"
"Has it really been that long?"
"Ashton it's five O'clock," Michael snapped. "It's been seven hours. Now can we please go home?"
Ashton deliberated for a while, but he finally agreed. He could do everything else later.
Michael nearly cried tears of happiness when hearing he could finally get back to Luke and he practically bounced to the car dragging Ashton along by the elbow.
Michael could have sworn Ashton was purposely taking the longest route home he could possibly take. At one point they were actually driving away from Luke's house, but Michael couldn't be bothered since they were finally on their way.
When they pulled up Michael jumped out, "Should I just-" but Ashton stopped talking and closed the door simply joining Michael as he walked in.
Ashton grinned and shouted surprise along with the other three as Michael jaw hung wide open.
Nobody had ever done this for him before. Nobody had ever cared enough to remember his birthday before. So Michael started crying.
Calum and Ashton understood, but were still upset to see his tears. Liz stood with tears of her own burning her eyes, but Luke. Luke ran over and hugged Michael as tightly as he could, because he knew all too well what was going through Michael's mind. He had comforted the boy too many times for him to not understand it.
"Happy birthday, kitten," Luke whispered. "And in case you were wondering, it was worth every second to set this up for you. You are so worth it all Michael. I love you,"
"I love you. Forever, ever, Luke. Thank you,"
"Anything for you,"
"I ship Muke harder than a rock," Ashton muttered.
Calum laughed and Michael shook his head.
"Not this again," Michael muttered.
Luke laughed and rubbed Michael's back. "The Muke ship is sailing, baby. There's no taking her back now,"
"Damn. I wanted a full return" Michael teased.
"Did you now?"
"Mhmm,"
Luke shook his head chuckling and kissed Michael's nose.
"Cake time!" Liz called.
Michael laughed at the reaction those words brought from the other three boys, but felt a little nauseated himself. He made his wish and blew out the candles as was tradition to do on your birthday, apparently. Liz made him cut the first piece for himself, and he cut it as small as he could without raising suspicion.
Liz's piece was fairly small but still larger than Michael's, but the other three went full out. He was surprized that Ashton could even think about eating after the Chinese food, but then again he and Ashton were two very different people.
"So I told them you didn't like gifts," Luke began sitting next to Michael, "But they all got you something anyways,"
"And you're trying to say you didn't?"
"Well of course I did. But I'm your boyfriend, you don't have a say in the matter,"
Michael raised his eyebrow. "And if I never open it?"
"No more kisses for you,"
Michael laughed and took advantage of the good mood to force down a good half ,of his cake slice.
"Oh, oh, we're halfway there," Luke sung in his ear softly.
"Oh, oh, we're living on a prayer," Michael continued where Luke left off.
"I knew I loved you for a reason," Luke joked.
Michael gasped, "I think it's you who should be worried about no kisses,"
"Who are you going to kiss instead?"
Michael looked around at Ashton and Calum, "I'll find someone,"
Luke laughed and kissed Michael softly the smaller boy responding instantly. He wanted as much of this as he could get before he let go. But hadn't he already done that in a way?
Michael had given up on himself. He had let himself go, he was only there for Luke's sake, but he knew that within days...that wouldn't matter anymore. He had given himself a list, and he had finished it. He was more than ready to leave. And he was happy to be going.
"Presents!" Calum cheered.
Michael groaned as Luke dragged him over to the couch after he finished his cake.
"Do I have to?" Michael asked.
Luke and Liz laughed as Ashton and Calum stared blankly at him, "Um, yeah. Sort of a mandatory thing around here," Ashton commented.
Michael sighed and sat down waiting. Calum rushed over and placed a small package in his hands. Michael cautiously peeled off the tape and unfolded the wrapping paper. To reveal more wrapping paper.
"Every year, Calum," Luke groaned.
Michael laughed and peeled off several more layers of wrapping paper before revealing two CD's of his favourite band. Michael smiled up at Calum and hugged him briefly before placing them cautiously to the side.
Ashton had gotten him a blue shirt as a bit of a joke along with a black sweatshirt and some of Michael's favourite candies.
To some people the gifts may have seemed mediocre, but to Michael who had never received anything on his birthday. It was as if they were giving him the stars.
Liz's gift caused the waterworks to start, but Michael refused to let the tears fall. There were three small bottles in his hand coming from the pharmacy bag he and Ashton had waited two hours for earlier. Antipsychotics, antidepressants and mood stabilizers. He knew they would not make any difference. Not in the slightest. They would make him feel numb which to him is worse. But he was beyond grateful for the gesture.
Luke didn't give him anything and Michael felt the confusion set in. The blonde had said that he'd gotten Michael something. Michael ignored it however and continued to joke around with the others.
When Calum and Ashton left Liz headed to do the dishes and before Michael could offer to help he was being pulled upstairs by Luke. "What are you doing?" Michael asked completely taken off guard.
"I would like to give you your present now," Luke told him with a wide smile on his face.
Michael was confused, but he followed Luke willingly into his room and sat, as instructed, on the bed, waiting for the blonde to return. Michael's eyes widened slightly when Luke came back in with a large box. "Luke," Michael whined.
"Michael," Luke mimicked. "Open it," he urged the boy placing it on the boy's lap.
Michael almost wanted to refuse, but remembering Luke's warning about no more kisses he began unwrapping the gift. He tried guessing what it was. The box was shaped almost like two Mars bars next to each other. He couldn't figure it out. "What is it?" Michael asked pausing while trying to take off a large piece of tape.
"Open it, Mikey," Luke laughed.
Michael rolled his eyes and took off the rest of the wrapping paper to reveal an unfamiliar Build-A-Bear box. There was an envelope taped to it and Michael gently pulled it off and slid it open.
To: my Mikey,
For you to hold when I'm not around. For you to sleep with when the bed is otherwise empty. For you to cuddle with when you're lonely and when you're sad. And most importantly. So that it can love you when I'm not there to let you know how much I love you.
Forever, ever,
Your Lukey
Michael could not hold back his tears this time. They spilled over and rolled down his cheeks. He opened the box carefully and removed the blonde teddy bear from its confines.
"What are you naming it?" Luke asked softly wiping Michael's tears with his thumb.
Michael shrugged. He had wanted to name it Luke after the blonde who had given it to him.
"Is Luke too cheesy?" Michael whispered.
The blonde blushed faintly and shrugged, "I dunno," he muttered sheepishly.
Michael smiled and shrugged. "I'm still thinking about it," he concluded.
Luke smiled and hugged Michael resulting in him straddling the smaller boy, but no complaints were heard except for Michael saying Luke was squishing his bear.
"Shut up, Mikey,"
"Why don't you make me?"
"I will,"
And Luke's lips were against Michael's and they moved together in synchronization. Luke moved the teddy bear and Michael squealed when he tossed him carelessly on the floor, but Luke was kissing him again before he had any real chance to protest.
If Michael wasn't so broken maybe it could have lasted longer, but when he winced because his freshly removed stitches wound hurt, Luke hopped up and pulled him back downstairs Michael grabbing the stuffed animal on the way out.
Liz smiled at the two fondly as they settled down entwined on the couch to watch some of their favourite movies. And she thought everything was perfect. And maybe everything was in that moment because they were all happy. But Michael was still wanting to die, only by then he knew he was just waiting for the right time, and something was telling him to wait a little longer. Just a little.
By the end of the night Michael had decided on two things. The first was the teddy bears name. He would call it Robert. It was Luke's middle name, and when Michael looked at the bear it just seemed fitting. The second was his date of death, or date of suicide if you wish. November 22nd. Just two more days. He saw no point in extending it and prolonging his own torture, but he wanted one last day with Luke. Just one more day with Luke.
And Michael fell asleep in Luke's arms clinging to Robert with the number 22 flashing in his mind. And he was happy, because it would all be over soon, but he was sad because that meant losing the few good things he had recently accumulated.
أ�ߪDx�"I try not to laugh. Stitches aren't going to help. They fix skin, cuts, wounds, heal stuff on the outside. Everything broken with me is on the inside,"
~Jessica Sorensen
Within two days Michael finds himself sitting waiting for Luke only when the blonde comes he has to offer a smile.
"My mum's making me do some stuff, but I gave Ash a call and he'll be here any second to take you to get the stitches out,"
Michael tries not to look disappointed. It's not that he doesn't like Ashton, but the boy likes to get everything done in one shot. Michael knows that with Ashton getting his stitches out is a task that could take the rest of the day.
As if on cue there was a knock on the door and Michael gave Luke a quick kiss before opening it to see Ashton grinning at him. "Hey, Ash," Michael greeted.
"Hey, I hope you don't mind, but I've got a handful of errands to run today and I won't be able to squeeze in getting you home till later on," Ashton said apologetically.
"No problem," Michael told him closing the door and following him out to the car. Because it wasn't really a problem. Michael would rather spend time with Ashton then alone, but he knew Luke would be waiting at home and he'd definitely rather Luke.
Ashton climbed into the driver's seat and Michael slid into the passenger's seat next to him, his fingers pressing against the healed cut on his side.
"Hey, what are you doing, Mike?" Ashton asked pulling Michael's arm away from where he could grab at it.
"Sorry. I'm really nervous," Michael admitted.
"Did you, did you used to cut? When you were nervous I mean?"
"Yeah," Michael said with a laugh, "Nervous, anxious, angry, sad, lonely, anything really. I cut whenever I felt, because it was so overwhelming to feel,"
"What about when you didn't feel?"
"When I was numb?" Ashton nodded. "Then I cut because I wanted to feel pain. I always found a reason. Wanted to feel, stop feeling, calm my head, breathe for a moment. For everything,"
"Michael," Ashton wasn't exactly sure how to translate his thoughts into coherent sentences. "There, there are only four of us. And I know that four is such a small number. But four is more than three and more than two and more than one. And, Michael, four is more than zero. Does that make sense? I know that there are only four of us, but we love you and care for you more than anyone else has ever cared for another person. And I think that has to count for something. And I know that you probably want more than four, but four is the only number with the same amount of letters as it's worth? That means, to me at least, that anything above four when it comes to friends. Is fake. Quality over quantity right?"
Ashton glanced over to see Michael swatting at tears.
"Four is more than enough, Ashton. But it's hard when you don't even think you deserve zero," Michael told him.
"We'll stick by you, Mike. Every step to recovery," Ashton muttered as they pulled into the parking lot and he turned off the car. "Starting, with getting those stitches out,"
Michael laughed and followed Ashton out of the car and into the building.
They waited in the reception area for Michael's name to be called joking under their breath and snickering quietly. More than once they were complained about, but since Michael was a patient they couldn't just throw him out.
Eventually a nurse called his name and he followed him into a small office where he was instructed to remove his sweater. Michael obeyed and tried his best not to pay attention to anything.
He was dimly aware of slight pain in his side, but before long he was being told he could leave. When he met up with Ashton by the car he wasn't surprized to see a paper in his hands containing a list of what he needed to get done.
"How long are we looking at?" Michael asked gazing at the sheet.
"Few hours tops," Ashton told him. "First stop, pharmacy,"
Turns out Ashton had three prescriptions to fill. Michael sat waiting in a chair while Ashton gave the lady all three. He sat next to Michael and they waited for her to fill each one appropriately. As they were waiting it occurred to Michael that it was his birthday and his heart - if possible - sunk a little lower. He knew they all knew because of his medical forms, but not a single person had bothered to remember or to say happy birthday if they did.
Once the prescriptions were filled Ashton asked Michael to wait at the register with the woman as he searched for something for his mum. Around two hours after they arrived, Ashton and Michael were back in the car heading to the mall and Michael decided that, that was the longest he'd ever been in a pharmacy.
Ashton killed another hour wandering around a few shops looking for things for his brother and sister, and Michael trailed after him, practically begging him to take him home to Luke.
"I'm hungry. You hungry, Mike?"
"No. Can we please go? You can eat at Luke's,"
"Not yet. I still have some stuff to do, but first I am craving some Chinese food. You sure you don't want anything,"
Michael was either about to scream or burst into tears, so he simply shook his head. It took Ashton half an hour to decide what to order and nearly an hour to eat. If Michael had been paying attention he would have noticed the older boy constantly checking his phone for the time and realized something was up. But all he could focus on was Luke.
"Ashton, come on! I want to go home to Luke!" Michael exclaimed.
Ashton had to try extremely hard not to laugh. "Hang on, Mike. Just a few more stops,"
Michael groaned, "You said that four hours ago,"
"Has it really been that long?"
"Ashton it's five O'clock," Michael snapped. "It's been seven hours. Now can we please go home?"
Ashton deliberated for a while, but he finally agreed. He could do everything else later.
Michael nearly cried tears of happiness when hearing he could finally get back to Luke and he practically bounced to the car dragging Ashton along by the elbow.
Michael could have sworn Ashton was purposely taking the longest route home he could possibly take. At one point they were actually driving away from Luke's house, but Michael couldn't be bothered since they were finally on their way.
When they pulled up Michael jumped out, "Should I just-" but Ashton stopped talking and closed the door simply joining Michael as he walked in.
Ashton grinned and shouted surprise along with the other three as Michael jaw hung wide open.
Nobody had ever done this for him before. Nobody had ever cared enough to remember his birthday before. So Michael started crying.
Calum and Ashton understood, but were still upset to see his tears. Liz stood with tears of her own burning her eyes, but Luke. Luke ran over and hugged Michael as tightly as he could, because he knew all too well what was going through Michael's mind. He had comforted the boy too many times for him to not understand it.
"Happy birthday, kitten," Luke whispered. "And in case you were wondering, it was worth every second to set this up for you. You are so worth it all Michael. I love you,"
"I love you. Forever, ever, Luke. Thank you,"
"Anything for you,"
"I ship Muke harder than a rock," Ashton muttered.
Calum laughed and Michael shook his head.
"Not this again," Michael muttered.
Luke laughed and rubbed Michael's back. "The Muke ship is sailing, baby. There's no taking her back now,"
"Damn. I wanted a full return" Michael teased.
"Did you now?"
"Mhmm,"
Luke shook his head chuckling and kissed Michael's nose.
"Cake time!" Liz called.
Michael laughed at the reaction those words brought from the other three boys, but felt a little nauseated himself. He made his wish and blew out the candles as was tradition to do on your birthday, apparently. Liz made him cut the first piece for himself, and he cut it as small as he could without raising suspicion.
Liz's piece was fairly small but still larger than Michael's, but the other three went full out. He was surprized that Ashton could even think about eating after the Chinese food, but then again he and Ashton were two very different people.
"So I told them you didn't like gifts," Luke began sitting next to Michael, "But they all got you something anyways,"
"And you're trying to say you didn't?"
"Well of course I did. But I'm your boyfriend, you don't have a say in the matter,"
Michael raised his eyebrow. "And if I never open it?"
"No more kisses for you,"
Michael laughed and took advantage of the good mood to force down a good half ,of his cake slice.
"Oh, oh, we're halfway there," Luke sung in his ear softly.
"Oh, oh, we're living on a prayer," Michael continued where Luke left off.
"I knew I loved you for a reason," Luke joked.
Michael gasped, "I think it's you who should be worried about no kisses,"
"Who are you going to kiss instead?"
Michael looked around at Ashton and Calum, "I'll find someone,"
Luke laughed and kissed Michael softly the smaller boy responding instantly. He wanted as much of this as he could get before he let go. But hadn't he already done that in a way?
Michael had given up on himself. He had let himself go, he was only there for Luke's sake, but he knew that within days...that wouldn't matter anymore. He had given himself a list, and he had finished it. He was more than ready to leave. And he was happy to be going.
"Presents!" Calum cheered.
Michael groaned as Luke dragged him over to the couch after he finished his cake.
"Do I have to?" Michael asked.
Luke and Liz laughed as Ashton and Calum stared blankly at him, "Um, yeah. Sort of a mandatory thing around here," Ashton commented.
Michael sighed and sat down waiting. Calum rushed over and placed a small package in his hands. Michael cautiously peeled off the tape and unfolded the wrapping paper. To reveal more wrapping paper.
"Every year, Calum," Luke groaned.
Michael laughed and peeled off several more layers of wrapping paper before revealing two CD's of his favourite band. Michael smiled up at Calum and hugged him briefly before placing them cautiously to the side.
Ashton had gotten him a blue shirt as a bit of a joke along with a black sweatshirt and some of Michael's favourite candies.
To some people the gifts may have seemed mediocre, but to Michael who had never received anything on his birthday. It was as if they were giving him the stars.
Liz's gift caused the waterworks to start, but Michael refused to let the tears fall. There were three small bottles in his hand coming from the pharmacy bag he and Ashton had waited two hours for earlier. Antipsychotics, antidepressants and mood stabilizers. He knew they would not make any difference. Not in the slightest. They would make him feel numb which to him is worse. But he was beyond grateful for the gesture.
Luke didn't give him anything and Michael felt the confusion set in. The blonde had said that he'd gotten Michael something. Michael ignored it however and continued to joke around with the others.
When Calum and Ashton left Liz headed to do the dishes and before Michael could offer to help he was being pulled upstairs by Luke. "What are you doing?" Michael asked completely taken off guard.
"I would like to give you your present now," Luke told him with a wide smile on his face.
Michael was confused, but he followed Luke willingly into his room and sat, as instructed, on the bed, waiting for the blonde to return. Michael's eyes widened slightly when Luke came back in with a large box. "Luke," Michael whined.
"Michael," Luke mimicked. "Open it," he urged the boy placing it on the boy's lap.
Michael almost wanted to refuse, but remembering Luke's warning about no more kisses he began unwrapping the gift. He tried guessing what it was. The box was shaped almost like two Mars bars next to each other. He couldn't figure it out. "What is it?" Michael asked pausing while trying to take off a large piece of tape.
"Open it, Mikey," Luke laughed.
Michael rolled his eyes and took off the rest of the wrapping paper to reveal an unfamiliar Build-A-Bear box. There was an envelope taped to it and Michael gently pulled it off and slid it open.
To: my Mikey,
For you to hold when I'm not around. For you to sleep with when the bed is otherwise empty. For you to cuddle with when you're lonely and when you're sad. And most importantly. So that it can love you when I'm not there to let you know how much I love you.
Forever, ever,
Your Lukey
Michael could not hold back his tears this time. They spilled over and rolled down his cheeks. He opened the box carefully and removed the blonde teddy bear from its confines.
"What are you naming it?" Luke asked softly wiping Michael's tears with his thumb.
Michael shrugged. He had wanted to name it Luke after the blonde who had given it to him.
"Is Luke too cheesy?" Michael whispered.
The blonde blushed faintly and shrugged, "I dunno," he muttered sheepishly.
Michael smiled and shrugged. "I'm still thinking about it," he concluded.
Luke smiled and hugged Michael resulting in him straddling the smaller boy, but no complaints were heard except for Michael saying Luke was squishing his bear.
"Shut up, Mikey,"
"Why don't you make me?"
"I will,"
And Luke's lips were against Michael's and they moved together in synchronization. Luke moved the teddy bear and Michael squealed when he tossed him carelessly on the floor, but Luke was kissing him again before he had any real chance to protest.
If Michael wasn't so broken maybe it could have lasted longer, but when he winced because his freshly removed stitches wound hurt, Luke hopped up and pulled him back downstairs Michael grabbing the stuffed animal on the way out.
Liz smiled at the two fondly as they settled down entwined on the couch to watch some of their favourite movies. And she thought everything was perfect. And maybe everything was in that moment because they were all happy. But Michael was still wanting to die, only by then he knew he was just waiting for the right time, and something was telling him to wait a little longer. Just a little.
By the end of the night Michael had decided on two things. The first was the teddy bears name. He would call it Robert. It was Luke's middle name, and when Michael looked at the bear it just seemed fitting. The second was his date of death, or date of suicide if you wish. November 22nd. Just two more days. He saw no point in extending it and prolonging his own torture, but he wanted one last day with Luke. Just one more day with Luke.
And Michael fell asleep in Luke's arms clinging to Robert with the number 22 flashing in his mind. And he was happy, because it would all be over soon, but he was sad because that meant losing the few good things he had recently accumulated.
أ�ߪDx�"I try not to laugh. Stitches aren't going to help. They fix skin, cuts, wounds, heal stuff on the outside. Everything broken with me is on the inside,"
~Jessica Sorensen
Within two days Michael finds himself sitting waiting for Luke only when the blonde comes he has to offer a smile.
"My mum's making me do some stuff, but I gave Ash a call and he'll be here any second to take you to get the stitches out,"
Michael tries not to look disappointed. It's not that he doesn't like Ashton, but the boy likes to get everything done in one shot. Michael knows that with Ashton getting his stitches out is a task that could take the rest of the day.
As if on cue there was a knock on the door and Michael gave Luke a quick kiss before opening it to see Ashton grinning at him. "Hey, Ash," Michael greeted.
"Hey, I hope you don't mind, but I've got a handful of errands to run today and I won't be able to squeeze in getting you home till later on," Ashton said apologetically.
"No problem," Michael told him closing the door and following him out to the car. Because it wasn't really a problem. Michael would rather spend time with Ashton then alone, but he knew Luke would be waiting at home and he'd definitely rather Luke.
Ashton climbed into the driver's seat and Michael slid into the passenger's seat next to him, his fingers pressing against the healed cut on his side.
"Hey, what are you doing, Mike?" Ashton asked pulling Michael's arm away from where he could grab at it.
"Sorry. I'm really nervous," Michael admitted.
"Did you, did you used to cut? When you were nervous I mean?"
"Yeah," Michael said with a laugh, "Nervous, anxious, angry, sad, lonely, anything really. I cut whenever I felt, because it was so overwhelming to feel,"
"What about when you didn't feel?"
"When I was numb?" Ashton nodded. "Then I cut because I wanted to feel pain. I always found a reason. Wanted to feel, stop feeling, calm my head, breathe for a moment. For everything,"
"Michael," Ashton wasn't exactly sure how to translate his thoughts into coherent sentences. "There, there are only four of us. And I know that four is such a small number. But four is more than three and more than two and more than one. And, Michael, four is more than zero. Does that make sense? I know that there are only four of us, but we love you and care for you more than anyone else has ever cared for another person. And I think that has to count for something. And I know that you probably want more than four, but four is the only number with the same amount of letters as it's worth? That means, to me at least, that anything above four when it comes to friends. Is fake. Quality over quantity right?"
Ashton glanced over to see Michael swatting at tears.
"Four is more than enough, Ashton. But it's hard when you don't even think you deserve zero," Michael told him.
"We'll stick by you, Mike. Every step to recovery," Ashton muttered as they pulled into the parking lot and he turned off the car. "Starting, with getting those stitches out,"
Michael laughed and followed Ashton out of the car and into the building.
They waited in the reception area for Michael's name to be called joking under their breath and snickering quietly. More than once they were complained about, but since Michael was a patient they couldn't just throw him out.
Eventually a nurse called his name and he followed him into a small office where he was instructed to remove his sweater. Michael obeyed and tried his best not to pay attention to anything.
He was dimly aware of slight pain in his side, but before long he was being told he could leave. When he met up with Ashton by the car he wasn't surprized to see a paper in his hands containing a list of what he needed to get done.
"How long are we looking at?" Michael asked gazing at the sheet.
"Few hours tops," Ashton told him. "First stop, pharmacy,"
Turns out Ashton had three prescriptions to fill. Michael sat waiting in a chair while Ashton gave the lady all three. He sat next to Michael and they waited for her to fill each one appropriately. As they were waiting it occurred to Michael that it was his birthday and his heart - if possible - sunk a little lower. He knew they all knew because of his medical forms, but not a single person had bothered to remember or to say happy birthday if they did.
Once the prescriptions were filled Ashton asked Michael to wait at the register with the woman as he searched for something for his mum. Around two hours after they arrived, Ashton and Michael were back in the car heading to the mall and Michael decided that, that was the longest he'd ever been in a pharmacy.
Ashton killed another hour wandering around a few shops looking for things for his brother and sister, and Michael trailed after him, practically begging him to take him home to Luke.
"I'm hungry. You hungry, Mike?"
"No. Can we please go? You can eat at Luke's,"
"Not yet. I still have some stuff to do, but first I am craving some Chinese food. You sure you don't want anything,"
Michael was either about to scream or burst into tears, so he simply shook his head. It took Ashton half an hour to decide what to order and nearly an hour to eat. If Michael had been paying attention he would have noticed the older boy constantly checking his phone for the time and realized something was up. But all he could focus on was Luke.
"Ashton, come on! I want to go home to Luke!" Michael exclaimed.
Ashton had to try extremely hard not to laugh. "Hang on, Mike. Just a few more stops,"
Michael groaned, "You said that four hours ago,"
"Has it really been that long?"
"Ashton it's five O'clock," Michael snapped. "It's been seven hours. Now can we please go home?"
Ashton deliberated for a while, but he finally agreed. He could do everything else later.
Michael nearly cried tears of happiness when hearing he could finally get back to Luke and he practically bounced to the car dragging Ashton along by the elbow.
Michael could have sworn Ashton was purposely taking the longest route home he could possibly take. At one point they were actually driving away from Luke's house, but Michael couldn't be bothered since they were finally on their way.
When they pulled up Michael jumped out, "Should I just-" but Ashton stopped talking and closed the door simply joining Michael as he walked in.
Ashton grinned and shouted surprise along with the other three as Michael jaw hung wide open.
Nobody had ever done this for him before. Nobody had ever cared enough to remember his birthday before. So Michael started crying.
Calum and Ashton understood, but were still upset to see his tears. Liz stood with tears of her own burning her eyes, but Luke. Luke ran over and hugged Michael as tightly as he could, because he knew all too well what was going through Michael's mind. He had comforted the boy too many times for him to not understand it.
"Happy birthday, kitten," Luke whispered. "And in case you were wondering, it was worth every second to set this up for you. You are so worth it all Michael. I love you,"
"I love you. Forever, ever, Luke. Thank you,"
"Anything for you,"
"I ship Muke harder than a rock," Ashton muttered.
Calum laughed and Michael shook his head.
"Not this again," Michael muttered.
Luke laughed and rubbed Michael's back. "The Muke ship is sailing, baby. There's no taking her back now,"
"Damn. I wanted a full return" Michael teased.
"Did you now?"
"Mhmm,"
Luke shook his head chuckling and kissed Michael's nose.
"Cake time!" Liz called.
Michael laughed at the reaction those words brought from the other three boys, but felt a little nauseated himself. He made his wish and blew out the candles as was tradition to do on your birthday, apparently. Liz made him cut the first piece for himself, and he cut it as small as he could without raising suspicion.
Liz's piece was fairly small but still larger than Michael's, but the other three went full out. He was surprized that Ashton could even think about eating after the Chinese food, but then again he and Ashton were two very different people.
"So I told them you didn't like gifts," Luke began sitting next to Michael, "But they all got you something anyways,"
"And you're trying to say you didn't?"
"Well of course I did. But I'm your boyfriend, you don't have a say in the matter,"
Michael raised his eyebrow. "And if I never open it?"
"No more kisses for you,"
Michael laughed and took advantage of the good mood to force down a good half ,of his cake slice.
"Oh, oh, we're halfway there," Luke sung in his ear softly.
"Oh, oh, we're living on a prayer," Michael continued where Luke left off.
"I knew I loved you for a reason," Luke joked.
Michael gasped, "I think it's you who should be worried about no kisses,"
"Who are you going to kiss instead?"
Michael looked around at Ashton and Calum, "I'll find someone,"
Luke laughed and kissed Michael softly the smaller boy responding instantly. He wanted as much of this as he could get before he let go. But hadn't he already done that in a way?
Michael had given up on himself. He had let himself go, he was only there for Luke's sake, but he knew that within days...that wouldn't matter anymore. He had given himself a list, and he had finished it. He was more than ready to leave. And he was happy to be going.
"Presents!" Calum cheered.
Michael groaned as Luke dragged him over to the couch after he finished his cake.
"Do I have to?" Michael asked.
Luke and Liz laughed as Ashton and Calum stared blankly at him, "Um, yeah. Sort of a mandatory thing around here," Ashton commented.
Michael sighed and sat down waiting. Calum rushed over and placed a small package in his hands. Michael cautiously peeled off the tape and unfolded the wrapping paper. To reveal more wrapping paper.
"Every year, Calum," Luke groaned.
Michael laughed and peeled off several more layers of wrapping paper before revealing two CD's of his favourite band. Michael smiled up at Calum and hugged him briefly before placing them cautiously to the side.
Ashton had gotten him a blue shirt as a bit of a joke along with a black sweatshirt and some of Michael's favourite candies.
To some people the gifts may have seemed mediocre, but to Michael who had never received anything on his birthday. It was as if they were giving him the stars.
Liz's gift caused the waterworks to start, but Michael refused to let the tears fall. There were three small bottles in his hand coming from the pharmacy bag he and Ashton had waited two hours for earlier. Antipsychotics, antidepressants and mood stabilizers. He knew they would not make any difference. Not in the slightest. They would make him feel numb which to him is worse. But he was beyond grateful for the gesture.
Luke didn't give him anything and Michael felt the confusion set in. The blonde had said that he'd gotten Michael something. Michael ignored it however and continued to joke around with the others.
When Calum and Ashton left Liz headed to do the dishes and before Michael could offer to help he was being pulled upstairs by Luke. "What are you doing?" Michael asked completely taken off guard.
"I would like to give you your present now," Luke told him with a wide smile on his face.
Michael was confused, but he followed Luke willingly into his room and sat, as instructed, on the bed, waiting for the blonde to return. Michael's eyes widened slightly when Luke came back in with a large box. "Luke," Michael whined.
"Michael," Luke mimicked. "Open it," he urged the boy placing it on the boy's lap.
Michael almost wanted to refuse, but remembering Luke's warning about no more kisses he began unwrapping the gift. He tried guessing what it was. The box was shaped almost like two Mars bars next to each other. He couldn't figure it out. "What is it?" Michael asked pausing while trying to take off a large piece of tape.
"Open it, Mikey," Luke laughed.
Michael rolled his eyes and took off the rest of the wrapping paper to reveal an unfamiliar Build-A-Bear box. There was an envelope taped to it and Michael gently pulled it off and slid it open.
To: my Mikey,
For you to hold when I'm not around. For you to sleep with when the bed is otherwise empty. For you to cuddle with when you're lonely and when you're sad. And most importantly. So that it can love you when I'm not there to let you know how much I love you.
Forever, ever,
Your Lukey
Michael could not hold back his tears this time. They spilled over and rolled down his cheeks. He opened the box carefully and removed the blonde teddy bear from its confines.
"What are you naming it?" Luke asked softly wiping Michael's tears with his thumb.
Michael shrugged. He had wanted to name it Luke after the blonde who had given it to him.
"Is Luke too cheesy?" Michael whispered.
The blonde blushed faintly and shrugged, "I dunno," he muttered sheepishly.
Michael smiled and shrugged. "I'm still thinking about it," he concluded.
Luke smiled and hugged Michael resulting in him straddling the smaller boy, but no complaints were heard except for Michael saying Luke was squishing his bear.
"Shut up, Mikey,"
"Why don't you make me?"
"I will,"
And Luke's lips were against Michael's and they moved together in synchronization. Luke moved the teddy bear and Michael squealed when he tossed him carelessly on the floor, but Luke was kissing him again before he had any real chance to protest.
If Michael wasn't so broken maybe it could have lasted longer, but when he winced because his freshly removed stitches wound hurt, Luke hopped up and pulled him back downstairs Michael grabbing the stuffed animal on the way out.
Liz smiled at the two fondly as they settled down entwined on the couch to watch some of their favourite movies. And she thought everything was perfect. And maybe everything was in that moment because they were all happy. But Michael was still wanting to die, only by then he knew he was just waiting for the right time, and something was telling him to wait a little longer. Just a little.
By the end of the night Michael had decided on two things. The first was the teddy bears name. He would call it Robert. It was Luke's middle name, and when Michael looked at the bear it just seemed fitting. The second was his date of death, or date of suicide if you wish. November 22nd. Just two more days. He saw no point in extending it and prolonging his own torture, but he wanted one last day with Luke. Just one more day with Luke.
And Michael fell asleep in Luke's arms clinging to Robert with the number 22 flashing in his mind. And he was happy, because it would all be over soon, but he was sad because that meant losing the few good things he had recently accumulated.
أ�ߪDx�"I try not to laugh. Stitches aren't going to help. They fix skin, cuts, wounds, heal stuff on the outside. Everything broken with me is on the inside,"
~Jessica Sorensen
Within two days Michael finds himself sitting waiting for Luke only when the blonde comes he has to offer a smile.
"My mum's making me do some stuff, but I gave Ash a call and he'll be here any second to take you to get the stitches out,"
Michael tries not to look disappointed. It's not that he doesn't like Ashton, but the boy likes to get everything done in one shot. Michael knows that with Ashton getting his stitches out is a task that could take the rest of the day.
As if on cue there was a knock on the door and Michael gave Luke a quick kiss before opening it to see Ashton grinning at him. "Hey, Ash," Michael greeted.
"Hey, I hope you don't mind, but I've got a handful of errands to run today and I won't be able to squeeze in getting you home till later on," Ashton said apologetically.
"No problem," Michael told him closing the door and following him out to the car. Because it wasn't really a problem. Michael would rather spend time with Ashton then alone, but he knew Luke would be waiting at home and he'd definitely rather Luke.
Ashton climbed into the driver's seat and Michael slid into the passenger's seat next to him, his fingers pressing against the healed cut on his side.
"Hey, what are you doing, Mike?" Ashton asked pulling Michael's arm away from where he could grab at it.
"Sorry. I'm really nervous," Michael admitted.
"Did you, did you used to cut? When you were nervous I mean?"
"Yeah," Michael said with a laugh, "Nervous, anxious, angry, sad, lonely, anything really. I cut whenever I felt, because it was so overwhelming to feel,"
"What about when you didn't feel?"
"When I was numb?" Ashton nodded. "Then I cut because I wanted to feel pain. I always found a reason. Wanted to feel, stop feeling, calm my head, breathe for a moment. For everything,"
"Michael," Ashton wasn't exactly sure how to translate his thoughts into coherent sentences. "There, there are only four of us. And I know that four is such a small number. But four is more than three and more than two and more than one. And, Michael, four is more than zero. Does that make sense? I know that there are only four of us, but we love you and care for you more than anyone else has ever cared for another person. And I think that has to count for something. And I know that you probably want more than four, but four is the only number with the same amount of letters as it's worth? That means, to me at least, that anything above four when it comes to friends. Is fake. Quality over quantity right?"
Ashton glanced over to see Michael swatting at tears.
"Four is more than enough, Ashton. But it's hard when you don't even think you deserve zero," Michael told him.
"We'll stick by you, Mike. Every step to recovery," Ashton muttered as they pulled into the parking lot and he turned off the car. "Starting, with getting those stitches out,"
Michael laughed and followed Ashton out of the car and into the building.
They waited in the reception area for Michael's name to be called joking under their breath and snickering quietly. More than once they were complained about, but since Michael was a patient they couldn't just throw him out.
Eventually a nurse called his name and he followed him into a small office where he was instructed to remove his sweater. Michael obeyed and tried his best not to pay attention to anything.
He was dimly aware of slight pain in his side, but before long he was being told he could leave. When he met up with Ashton by the car he wasn't surprized to see a paper in his hands containing a list of what he needed to get done.
"How long are we looking at?" Michael asked gazing at the sheet.
"Few hours tops," Ashton told him. "First stop, pharmacy,"
Turns out Ashton had three prescriptions to fill. Michael sat waiting in a chair while Ashton gave the lady all three. He sat next to Michael and they waited for her to fill each one appropriately. As they were waiting it occurred to Michael that it was his birthday and his heart - if possible - sunk a little lower. He knew they all knew because of his medical forms, but not a single person had bothered to remember or to say happy birthday if they did.
Once the prescriptions were filled Ashton asked Michael to wait at the register with the woman as he searched for something for his mum. Around two hours after they arrived, Ashton and Michael were back in the car heading to the mall and Michael decided that, that was the longest he'd ever been in a pharmacy.
Ashton killed another hour wandering around a few shops looking for things for his brother and sister, and Michael trailed after him, practically begging him to take him home to Luke.
"I'm hungry. You hungry, Mike?"
"No. Can we please go? You can eat at Luke's,"
"Not yet. I still have some stuff to do, but first I am craving some Chinese food. You sure you don't want anything,"
Michael was either about to scream or burst into tears, so he simply shook his head. It took Ashton half an hour to decide what to order and nearly an hour to eat. If Michael had been paying attention he would have noticed the older boy constantly checking his phone for the time and realized something was up. But all he could focus on was Luke.
"Ashton, come on! I want to go home to Luke!" Michael exclaimed.
Ashton had to try extremely hard not to laugh. "Hang on, Mike. Just a few more stops,"
Michael groaned, "You said that four hours ago,"
"Has it really been that long?"
"Ashton it's five O'clock," Michael snapped. "It's been seven hours. Now can we please go home?"
Ashton deliberated for a while, but he finally agreed. He could do everything else later.
Michael nearly cried tears of happiness when hearing he could finally get back to Luke and he practically bounced to the car dragging Ashton along by the elbow.
Michael could have sworn Ashton was purposely taking the longest route home he could possibly take. At one point they were actually driving away from Luke's house, but Michael couldn't be bothered since they were finally on their way.
When they pulled up Michael jumped out, "Should I just-" but Ashton stopped talking and closed the door simply joining Michael as he walked in.
Ashton grinned and shouted surprise along with the other three as Michael jaw hung wide open.
Nobody had ever done this for him before. Nobody had ever cared enough to remember his birthday before. So Michael started crying.
Calum and Ashton understood, but were still upset to see his tears. Liz stood with tears of her own burning her eyes, but Luke. Luke ran over and hugged Michael as tightly as he could, because he knew all too well what was going through Michael's mind. He had comforted the boy too many times for him to not understand it.
"Happy birthday, kitten," Luke whispered. "And in case you were wondering, it was worth every second to set this up for you. You are so worth it all Michael. I love you,"
"I love you. Forever, ever, Luke. Thank you,"
"Anything for you,"
"I ship Muke harder than a rock," Ashton muttered.
Calum laughed and Michael shook his head.
"Not this again," Michael muttered.
Luke laughed and rubbed Michael's back. "The Muke ship is sailing, baby. There's no taking her back now,"
"Damn. I wanted a full return" Michael teased.
"Did you now?"
"Mhmm,"
Luke shook his head chuckling and kissed Michael's nose.
"Cake time!" Liz called.
Michael laughed at the reaction those words brought from the other three boys, but felt a little nauseated himself. He made his wish and blew out the candles as was tradition to do on your birthday, apparently. Liz made him cut the first piece for himself, and he cut it as small as he could without raising suspicion.
Liz's piece was fairly small but still larger than Michael's, but the other three went full out. He was surprized that Ashton could even think about eating after the Chinese food, but then again he and Ashton were two very different people.
"So I told them you didn't like gifts," Luke began sitting next to Michael, "But they all got you something anyways,"
"And you're trying to say you didn't?"
"Well of course I did. But I'm your boyfriend, you don't have a say in the matter,"
Michael raised his eyebrow. "And if I never open it?"
"No more kisses for you,"
Michael laughed and took advantage of the good mood to force down a good half ,of his cake slice.
"Oh, oh, we're halfway there," Luke sung in his ear softly.
"Oh, oh, we're living on a prayer," Michael continued where Luke left off.
"I knew I loved you for a reason," Luke joked.
Michael gasped, "I think it's you who should be worried about no kisses,"
"Who are you going to kiss instead?"
Michael looked around at Ashton and Calum, "I'll find someone,"
Luke laughed and kissed Michael softly the smaller boy responding instantly. He wanted as much of this as he could get before he let go. But hadn't he already done that in a way?
Michael had given up on himself. He had let himself go, he was only there for Luke's sake, but he knew that within days...that wouldn't matter anymore. He had given himself a list, and he had finished it. He was more than ready to leave. And he was happy to be going.
"Presents!" Calum cheered.
Michael groaned as Luke dragged him over to the couch after he finished his cake.
"Do I have to?" Michael asked.
Luke and Liz laughed as Ashton and Calum stared blankly at him, "Um, yeah. Sort of a mandatory thing around here," Ashton commented.
Michael sighed and sat down waiting. Calum rushed over and placed a small package in his hands. Michael cautiously peeled off the tape and unfolded the wrapping paper. To reveal more wrapping paper.
"Every year, Calum," Luke groaned.
Michael laughed and peeled off several more layers of wrapping paper before revealing two CD's of his favourite band. Michael smiled up at Calum and hugged him briefly before placing them cautiously to the side.
Ashton had gotten him a blue shirt as a bit of a joke along with a black sweatshirt and some of Michael's favourite candies.
To some people the gifts may have seemed mediocre, but to Michael who had never received anything on his birthday. It was as if they were giving him the stars.
Liz's gift caused the waterworks to start, but Michael refused to let the tears fall. There were three small bottles in his hand coming from the pharmacy bag he and Ashton had waited two hours for earlier. Antipsychotics, antidepressants and mood stabilizers. He knew they would not make any difference. Not in the slightest. They would make him feel numb which to him is worse. But he was beyond grateful for the gesture.
Luke didn't give him anything and Michael felt the confusion set in. The blonde had said that he'd gotten Michael something. Michael ignored it however and continued to joke around with the others.
When Calum and Ashton left Liz headed to do the dishes and before Michael could offer to help he was being pulled upstairs by Luke. "What are you doing?" Michael asked completely taken off guard.
"I would like to give you your present now," Luke told him with a wide smile on his face.
Michael was confused, but he followed Luke willingly into his room and sat, as instructed, on the bed, waiting for the blonde to return. Michael's eyes widened slightly when Luke came back in with a large box. "Luke," Michael whined.
"Michael," Luke mimicked. "Open it," he urged the boy placing it on the boy's lap.
Michael almost wanted to refuse, but remembering Luke's warning about no more kisses he began unwrapping the gift. He tried guessing what it was. The box was shaped almost like two Mars bars next to each other. He couldn't figure it out. "What is it?" Michael asked pausing while trying to take off a large piece of tape.
"Open it, Mikey," Luke laughed.
Michael rolled his eyes and took off the rest of the wrapping paper to reveal an unfamiliar Build-A-Bear box. There was an envelope taped to it and Michael gently pulled it off and slid it open.
To: my Mikey,
For you to hold when I'm not around. For you to sleep with when the bed is otherwise empty. For you to cuddle with when you're lonely and when you're sad. And most importantly. So that it can love you when I'm not there to let you know how much I love you.
Forever, ever,
Your Lukey
Michael could not hold back his tears this time. They spilled over and rolled down his cheeks. He opened the box carefully and removed the blonde teddy bear from its confines.
"What are you naming it?" Luke asked softly wiping Michael's tears with his thumb.
Michael shrugged. He had wanted to name it Luke after the blonde who had given it to him.
"Is Luke too cheesy?" Michael whispered.
The blonde blushed faintly and shrugged, "I dunno," he muttered sheepishly.
Michael smiled and shrugged. "I'm still thinking about it," he concluded.
Luke smiled and hugged Michael resulting in him straddling the smaller boy, but no complaints were heard except for Michael saying Luke was squishing his bear.
"Shut up, Mikey,"
"Why don't you make me?"
"I will,"
And Luke's lips were against Michael's and they moved together in synchronization. Luke moved the teddy bear and Michael squealed when he tossed him carelessly on the floor, but Luke was kissing him again before he had any real chance to protest.
If Michael wasn't so broken maybe it could have lasted longer, but when he winced because his freshly removed stitches wound hurt, Luke hopped up and pulled him back downstairs Michael grabbing the stuffed animal on the way out.
Liz smiled at the two fondly as they settled down entwined on the couch to watch some of their favourite movies. And she thought everything was perfect. And maybe everything was in that moment because they were all happy. But Michael was still wanting to die, only by then he knew he was just waiting for the right time, and something was telling him to wait a little longer. Just a little.
By the end of the night Michael had decided on two things. The first was the teddy bears name. He would call it Robert. It was Luke's middle name, and when Michael looked at the bear it just seemed fitting. The second was his date of death, or date of suicide if you wish. November 22nd. Just two more days. He saw no point in extending it and prolonging his own torture, but he wanted one last day with Luke. Just one more day with Luke.
And Michael fell asleep in Luke's arms clinging to Robert with the number 22 flashing in his mind. And he was happy, because it would all be over soon, but he was sad because that meant losing the few good things he had recently accumulated.
أ�ߪDx�"I try not to laugh. Stitches aren't going to help. They fix skin, cuts, wounds, heal stuff on the outside. Everything broken with me is on the inside,"
~Jessica Sorensen
Within two days Michael finds himself sitting waiting for Luke only when the blonde comes he has to offer a smile.
"My mum's making me do some stuff, but I gave Ash a call and he'll be here any second to take you to get the stitches out,"
Michael tries not to look disappointed. It's not that he doesn't like Ashton, but the boy likes to get everything done in one shot. Michael knows that with Ashton getting his stitches out is a task that could take the rest of the day.
As if on cue there was a knock on the door and Michael gave Luke a quick kiss before opening it to see Ashton grinning at him. "Hey, Ash," Michael greeted.
"Hey, I hope you don't mind, but I've got a handful of errands to run today and I won't be able to squeeze in getting you home till later on," Ashton said apologetically.
"No problem," Michael told him closing the door and following him out to the car. Because it wasn't really a problem. Michael would rather spend time with Ashton then alone, but he knew Luke would be waiting at home and he'd definitely rather Luke.
Ashton climbed into the driver's seat and Michael slid into the passenger's seat next to him, his fingers pressing against the healed cut on his side.
"Hey, what are you doing, Mike?" Ashton asked pulling Michael's arm away from where he could grab at it.
"Sorry. I'm really nervous," Michael admitted.
"Did you, did you used to cut? When you were nervous I mean?"
"Yeah," Michael said with a laugh, "Nervous, anxious, angry, sad, lonely, anything really. I cut whenever I felt, because it was so overwhelming to feel,"
"What about when you didn't feel?"
"When I was numb?" Ashton nodded. "Then I cut because I wanted to feel pain. I always found a reason. Wanted to feel, stop feeling, calm my head, breathe for a moment. For everything,"
"Michael," Ashton wasn't exactly sure how to translate his thoughts into coherent sentences. "There, there are only four of us. And I know that four is such a small number. But four is more than three and more than two and more than one. And, Michael, four is more than zero. Does that make sense? I know that there are only four of us, but we love you and care for you more than anyone else has ever cared for another person. And I think that has to count for something. And I know that you probably want more than four, but four is the only number with the same amount of letters as it's worth? That means, to me at least, that anything above four when it comes to friends. Is fake. Quality over quantity right?"
Ashton glanced over to see Michael swatting at tears.
"Four is more than enough, Ashton. But it's hard when you don't even think you deserve zero," Michael told him.
"We'll stick by you, Mike. Every step to recovery," Ashton muttered as they pulled into the parking lot and he turned off the car. "Starting, with getting those stitches out,"
Michael laughed and followed Ashton out of the car and into the building.
They waited in the reception area for Michael's name to be called joking under their breath and snickering quietly. More than once they were complained about, but since Michael was a patient they couldn't just throw him out.
Eventually a nurse called his name and he followed him into a small office where he was instructed to remove his sweater. Michael obeyed and tried his best not to pay attention to anything.
He was dimly aware of slight pain in his side, but before long he was being told he could leave. When he met up with Ashton by the car he wasn't surprized to see a paper in his hands containing a list of what he needed to get done.
"How long are we looking at?" Michael asked gazing at the sheet.
"Few hours tops," Ashton told him. "First stop, pharmacy,"
Turns out Ashton had three prescriptions to fill. Michael sat waiting in a chair while Ashton gave the lady all three. He sat next to Michael and they waited for her to fill each one appropriately. As they were waiting it occurred to Michael that it was his birthday and his heart - if possible - sunk a little lower. He knew they all knew because of his medical forms, but not a single person had bothered to remember or to say happy birthday if they did.
Once the prescriptions were filled Ashton asked Michael to wait at the register with the woman as he searched for something for his mum. Around two hours after they arrived, Ashton and Michael were back in the car heading to the mall and Michael decided that, that was the longest he'd ever been in a pharmacy.
Ashton killed another hour wandering around a few shops looking for things for his brother and sister, and Michael trailed after him, practically begging him to take him home to Luke.
"I'm hungry. You hungry, Mike?"
"No. Can we please go? You can eat at Luke's,"
"Not yet. I still have some stuff to do, but first I am craving some Chinese food. You sure you don't want anything,"
Michael was either about to scream or burst into tears, so he simply shook his head. It took Ashton half an hour to decide what to order and nearly an hour to eat. If Michael had been paying attention he would have noticed the older boy constantly checking his phone for the time and realized something was up. But all he could focus on was Luke.
"Ashton, come on! I want to go home to Luke!" Michael exclaimed.
Ashton had to try extremely hard not to laugh. "Hang on, Mike. Just a few more stops,"
Michael groaned, "You said that four hours ago,"
"Has it really been that long?"
"Ashton it's five O'clock," Michael snapped. "It's been seven hours. Now can we please go home?"
Ashton deliberated for a while, but he finally agreed. He could do everything else later.
Michael nearly cried tears of happiness when hearing he could finally get back to Luke and he practically bounced to the car dragging Ashton along by the elbow.
Michael could have sworn Ashton was purposely taking the longest route home he could possibly take. At one point they were actually driving away from Luke's house, but Michael couldn't be bothered since they were finally on their way.
When they pulled up Michael jumped out, "Should I just-" but Ashton stopped talking and closed the door simply joining Michael as he walked in.
Ashton grinned and shouted surprise along with the other three as Michael jaw hung wide open.
Nobody had ever done this for him before. Nobody had ever cared enough to remember his birthday before. So Michael started crying.
Calum and Ashton understood, but were still upset to see his tears. Liz stood with tears of her own burning her eyes, but Luke. Luke ran over and hugged Michael as tightly as he could, because he knew all too well what was going through Michael's mind. He had comforted the boy too many times for him to not understand it.
"Happy birthday, kitten," Luke whispered. "And in case you were wondering, it was worth every second to set this up for you. You are so worth it all Michael. I love you,"
"I love you. Forever, ever, Luke. Thank you,"
"Anything for you,"
"I ship Muke harder than a rock," Ashton muttered.
Calum laughed and Michael shook his head.
"Not this again," Michael muttered.
Luke laughed and rubbed Michael's back. "The Muke ship is sailing, baby. There's no taking her back now,"
"Damn. I wanted a full return" Michael teased.
"Did you now?"
"Mhmm,"
Luke shook his head chuckling and kissed Michael's nose.
"Cake time!" Liz called.
Michael laughed at the reaction those words brought from the other three boys, but felt a little nauseated himself. He made his wish and blew out the candles as was tradition to do on your birthday, apparently. Liz made him cut the first piece for himself, and he cut it as small as he could without raising suspicion.
Liz's piece was fairly small but still larger than Michael's, but the other three went full out. He was surprized that Ashton could even think about eating after the Chinese food, but then again he and Ashton were two very different people.
"So I told them you didn't like gifts," Luke began sitting next to Michael, "But they all got you something anyways,"
"And you're trying to say you didn't?"
"Well of course I did. But I'm your boyfriend, you don't have a say in the matter,"
Michael raised his eyebrow. "And if I never open it?"
"No more kisses for you,"
Michael laughed and took advantage of the good mood to force down a good half ,of his cake slice.
"Oh, oh, we're halfway there," Luke sung in his ear softly.
"Oh, oh, we're living on a prayer," Michael continued where Luke left off.
"I knew I loved you for a reason," Luke joked.
Michael gasped, "I think it's you who should be worried about no kisses,"
"Who are you going to kiss instead?"
Michael looked around at Ashton and Calum, "I'll find someone,"
Luke laughed and kissed Michael softly the smaller boy responding instantly. He wanted as much of this as he could get before he let go. But hadn't he already done that in a way?
Michael had given up on himself. He had let himself go, he was only there for Luke's sake, but he knew that within days...that wouldn't matter anymore. He had given himself a list, and he had finished it. He was more than ready to leave. And he was happy to be going.
"Presents!" Calum cheered.
Michael groaned as Luke dragged him over to the couch after he finished his cake.
"Do I have to?" Michael asked.
Luke and Liz laughed as Ashton and Calum stared blankly at him, "Um, yeah. Sort of a mandatory thing around here," Ashton commented.
Michael sighed and sat down waiting. Calum rushed over and placed a small package in his hands. Michael cautiously peeled off the tape and unfolded the wrapping paper. To reveal more wrapping paper.
"Every year, Calum," Luke groaned.
Michael laughed and peeled off several more layers of wrapping paper before revealing two CD's of his favourite band. Michael smiled up at Calum and hugged him briefly before placing them cautiously to the side.
Ashton had gotten him a blue shirt as a bit of a joke along with a black sweatshirt and some of Michael's favourite candies.
To some people the gifts may have seemed mediocre, but to Michael who had never received anything on his birthday. It was as if they were giving him the stars.
Liz's gift caused the waterworks to start, but Michael refused to let the tears fall. There were three small bottles in his hand coming from the pharmacy bag he and Ashton had waited two hours for earlier. Antipsychotics, antidepressants and mood stabilizers. He knew they would not make any difference. Not in the slightest. They would make him feel numb which to him is worse. But he was beyond grateful for the gesture.
Luke didn't give him anything and Michael felt the confusion set in. The blonde had said that he'd gotten Michael something. Michael ignored it however and continued to joke around with the others.
When Calum and Ashton left Liz headed to do the dishes and before Michael could offer to help he was being pulled upstairs by Luke. "What are you doing?" Michael asked completely taken off guard.
"I would like to give you your present now," Luke told him with a wide smile on his face.
Michael was confused, but he followed Luke willingly into his room and sat, as instructed, on the bed, waiting for the blonde to return. Michael's eyes widened slightly when Luke came back in with a large box. "Luke," Michael whined.
"Michael," Luke mimicked. "Open it," he urged the boy placing it on the boy's lap.
Michael almost wanted to refuse, but remembering Luke's warning about no more kisses he began unwrapping the gift. He tried guessing what it was. The box was shaped almost like two Mars bars next to each other. He couldn't figure it out. "What is it?" Michael asked pausing while trying to take off a large piece of tape.
"Open it, Mikey," Luke laughed.
Michael rolled his eyes and took off the rest of the wrapping paper to reveal an unfamiliar Build-A-Bear box. There was an envelope taped to it and Michael gently pulled it off and slid it open.
To: my Mikey,
For you to hold when I'm not around. For you to sleep with when the bed is otherwise empty. For you to cuddle with when you're lonely and when you're sad. And most importantly. So that it can love you when I'm not there to let you know how much I love you.
Forever, ever,
Your Lukey
Michael could not hold back his tears this time. They spilled over and rolled down his cheeks. He opened the box carefully and removed the blonde teddy bear from its confines.
"What are you naming it?" Luke asked softly wiping Michael's tears with his thumb.
Michael shrugged. He had wanted to name it Luke after the blonde who had given it to him.
"Is Luke too cheesy?" Michael whispered.
The blonde blushed faintly and shrugged, "I dunno," he muttered sheepishly.
Michael smiled and shrugged. "I'm still thinking about it," he concluded.
Luke smiled and hugged Michael resulting in him straddling the smaller boy, but no complaints were heard except for Michael saying Luke was squishing his bear.
"Shut up, Mikey,"
"Why don't you make me?"
"I will,"
And Luke's lips were against Michael's and they moved together in synchronization. Luke moved the teddy bear and Michael squealed when he tossed him carelessly on the floor, but Luke was kissing him again before he had any real chance to protest.
If Michael wasn't so broken maybe it could have lasted longer, but when he winced because his freshly removed stitches wound hurt, Luke hopped up and pulled him back downstairs Michael grabbing the stuffed animal on the way out.
Liz smiled at the two fondly as they settled down entwined on the couch to watch some of their favourite movies. And she thought everything was perfect. And maybe everything was in that moment because they were all happy. But Michael was still wanting to die, only by then he knew he was just waiting for the right time, and something was telling him to wait a little longer. Just a little.
By the end of the night Michael had decided on two things. The first was the teddy bears name. He would call it Robert. It was Luke's middle name, and when Michael looked at the bear it just seemed fitting. The second was his date of death, or date of suicide if you wish. November 22nd. Just two more days. He saw no point in extending it and prolonging his own torture, but he wanted one last day with Luke. Just one more day with Luke.
And Michael fell asleep in Luke's arms clinging to Robert with the number 22 flashing in his mind. And he was happy, because it would all be over soon, but he was sad because that meant losing the few good things he had recently accumulated.
�#��+Dx�"I try not to laugh. Stitches aren't going to help. They fix skin, cuts, wounds, heal stuff on the outside. Everything broken with me is on the inside,"
~Jessica Sorensen
Within two days Michael finds himself sitting waiting for Luke only when the blonde comes he has to offer a smile.
"My mum's making me do some stuff, but I gave Ash a call and he'll be here any second to take you to get the stitches out,"
Michael tries not to look disappointed. It's not that he doesn't like Ashton, but the boy likes to get everything done in one shot. Michael knows that with Ashton getting his stitches out is a task that could take the rest of the day.
As if on cue there was a knock on the door and Michael gave Luke a quick kiss before opening it to see Ashton grinning at him. "Hey, Ash," Michael greeted.
"Hey, I hope you don't mind, but I've got a handful of errands to run today and I won't be able to squeeze in getting you home till later on," Ashton said apologetically.
"No problem," Michael told him closing the door and following him out to the car. Because it wasn't really a problem. Michael would rather spend time with Ashton then alone, but he knew Luke would be waiting at home and he'd definitely rather Luke.
Ashton climbed into the driver's seat and Michael slid into the passenger's seat next to him, his fingers pressing against the healed cut on his side.
"Hey, what are you doing, Mike?" Ashton asked pulling Michael's arm away from where he could grab at it.
"Sorry. I'm really nervous," Michael admitted.
"Did you, did you used to cut? When you were nervous I mean?"
"Yeah," Michael said with a laugh, "Nervous, anxious, angry, sad, lonely, anything really. I cut whenever I felt, because it was so overwhelming to feel,"
"What about when you didn't feel?"
"When I was numb?" Ashton nodded. "Then I cut because I wanted to feel pain. I always found a reason. Wanted to feel, stop feeling, calm my head, breathe for a moment. For everything,"
"Michael," Ashton wasn't exactly sure how to translate his thoughts into coherent sentences. "There, there are only four of us. And I know that four is such a small number. But four is more than three and more than two and more than one. And, Michael, four is more than zero. Does that make sense? I know that there are only four of us, but we love you and care for you more than anyone else has ever cared for another person. And I think that has to count for something. And I know that you probably want more than four, but four is the only number with the same amount of letters as it's worth? That means, to me at least, that anything above four when it comes to friends. Is fake. Quality over quantity right?"
Ashton glanced over to see Michael swatting at tears.
"Four is more than enough, Ashton. But it's hard when you don't even think you deserve zero," Michael told him.
"We'll stick by you, Mike. Every step to recovery," Ashton muttered as they pulled into the parking lot and he turned off the car. "Starting, with getting those stitches out,"
Michael laughed and followed Ashton out of the car and into the building.
They waited in the reception area for Michael's name to be called joking under their breath and snickering quietly. More than once they were complained about, but since Michael was a patient they couldn't just throw him out.
Eventually a nurse called his name and he followed him into a small office where he was instructed to remove his sweater. Michael obeyed and tried his best not to pay attention to anything.
He was dimly aware of slight pain in his side, but before long he was being told he could leave. When he met up with Ashton by the car he wasn't surprized to see a paper in his hands containing a list of what he needed to get done.
"How long are we looking at?" Michael asked gazing at the sheet.
"Few hours tops," Ashton told him. "First stop, pharmacy,"
Turns out Ashton had three prescriptions to fill. Michael sat waiting in a chair while Ashton gave the lady all three. He sat next to Michael and they waited for her to fill each one appropriately. As they were waiting it occurred to Michael that it was his birthday and his heart - if possible - sunk a little lower. He knew they all knew because of his medical forms, but not a single person had bothered to remember or to say happy birthday if they did.
Once the prescriptions were filled Ashton asked Michael to wait at the register with the woman as he searched for something for his mum. Around two hours after they arrived, Ashton and Michael were back in the car heading to the mall and Michael decided that, that was the longest he'd ever been in a pharmacy.
Ashton killed another hour wandering around a few shops looking for things for his brother and sister, and Michael trailed after him, practically begging him to take him home to Luke.
"I'm hungry. You hungry, Mike?"
"No. Can we please go? You can eat at Luke's,"
"Not yet. I still have some stuff to do, but first I am craving some Chinese food. You sure you don't want anything,"
Michael was either about to scream or burst into tears, so he simply shook his head. It took Ashton half an hour to decide what to order and nearly an hour to eat. If Michael had been paying attention he would have noticed the older boy constantly checking his phone for the time and realized something was up. But all he could focus on was Luke.
"Ashton, come on! I want to go home to Luke!" Michael exclaimed.
Ashton had to try extremely hard not to laugh. "Hang on, Mike. Just a few more stops,"
Michael groaned, "You said that four hours ago,"
"Has it really been that long?"
"Ashton it's five O'clock," Michael snapped. "It's been seven hours. Now can we please go home?"
Ashton deliberated for a while, but he finally agreed. He could do everything else later.
Michael nearly cried tears of happiness when hearing he could finally get back to Luke and he practically bounced to the car dragging Ashton along by the elbow.
Michael could have sworn Ashton was purposely taking the longest route home he could possibly take. At one point they were actually driving away from Luke's house, but Michael couldn't be bothered since they were finally on their way.
When they pulled up Michael jumped out, "Should I just-" but Ashton stopped talking and closed the door simply joining Michael as he walked in.
Ashton grinned and shouted surprise along with the other three as Michael jaw hung wide open.
Nobody had ever done this for him before. Nobody had ever cared enough to remember his birthday before. So Michael started crying.
Calum and Ashton understood, but were still upset to see his tears. Liz stood with tears of her own burning her eyes, but Luke. Luke ran over and hugged Michael as tightly as he could, because he knew all too well what was going through Michael's mind. He had comforted the boy too many times for him to not understand it.
"Happy birthday, kitten," Luke whispered. "And in case you were wondering, it was worth every second to set this up for you. You are so worth it all Michael. I love you,"
"I love you. Forever, ever, Luke. Thank you,"
"Anything for you,"
"I ship Muke harder than a rock," Ashton muttered.
Calum laughed and Michael shook his head.
"Not this again," Michael muttered.
Luke laughed and rubbed Michael's back. "The Muke ship is sailing, baby. There's no taking her back now,"
"Damn. I wanted a full return" Michael teased.
"Did you now?"
"Mhmm,"
Luke shook his head chuckling and kissed Michael's nose.
"Cake time!" Liz called.
Michael laughed at the reaction those words brought from the other three boys, but felt a little nauseated himself. He made his wish and blew out the candles as was tradition to do on your birthday, apparently. Liz made him cut the first piece for himself, and he cut it as small as he could without raising suspicion.
Liz's piece was fairly small but still larger than Michael's, but the other three went full out. He was surprized that Ashton could even think about eating after the Chinese food, but then again he and Ashton were two very different people.
"So I told them you didn't like gifts," Luke began sitting next to Michael, "But they all got you something anyways,"
"And you're trying to say you didn't?"
"Well of course I did. But I'm your boyfriend, you don't have a say in the matter,"
Michael raised his eyebrow. "And if I never open it?"
"No more kisses for you,"
Michael laughed and took advantage of the good mood to force down a good half ,of his cake slice.
"Oh, oh, we're halfway there," Luke sung in his ear softly.
"Oh, oh, we're living on a prayer," Michael continued where Luke left off.
"I knew I loved you for a reason," Luke joked.
Michael gasped, "I think it's you who should be worried about no kisses,"
"Who are you going to kiss instead?"
Michael looked around at Ashton and Calum, "I'll find someone,"
Luke laughed and kissed Michael softly the smaller boy responding instantly. He wanted as much of this as he could get before he let go. But hadn't he already done that in a way?
Michael had given up on himself. He had let himself go, he was only there for Luke's sake, but he knew that within days...that wouldn't matter anymore. He had given himself a list, and he had finished it. He was more than ready to leave. And he was happy to be going.
"Presents!" Calum cheered.
Michael groaned as Luke dragged him over to the couch after he finished his cake.
"Do I have to?" Michael asked.
Luke and Liz laughed as Ashton and Calum stared blankly at him, "Um, yeah. Sort of a mandatory thing around here," Ashton commented.
Michael sighed and sat down waiting. Calum rushed over and placed a small package in his hands. Michael cautiously peeled off the tape and unfolded the wrapping paper. To reveal more wrapping paper.
"Every year, Calum," Luke groaned.
Michael laughed and peeled off several more layers of wrapping paper before revealing two CD's of his favourite band. Michael smiled up at Calum and hugged him briefly before placing them cautiously to the side.
Ashton had gotten him a blue shirt as a bit of a joke along with a black sweatshirt and some of Michael's favourite candies.
To some people the gifts may have seemed mediocre, but to Michael who had never received anything on his birthday. It was as if they were giving him the stars.
Liz's gift caused the waterworks to start, but Michael refused to let the tears fall. There were three small bottles in his hand coming from the pharmacy bag he and Ashton had waited two hours for earlier. Antipsychotics, antidepressants and mood stabilizers. He knew they would not make any difference. Not in the slightest. They would make him feel numb which to him is worse. But he was beyond grateful for the gesture.
Luke didn't give him anything and Michael felt the confusion set in. The blonde had said that he'd gotten Michael something. Michael ignored it however and continued to joke around with the others.
When Calum and Ashton left Liz headed to do the dishes and before Michael could offer to help he was being pulled upstairs by Luke. "What are you doing?" Michael asked completely taken off guard.
"I would like to give you your present now," Luke told him with a wide smile on his face.
Michael was confused, but he followed Luke willingly into his room and sat, as instructed, on the bed, waiting for the blonde to return. Michael's eyes widened slightly when Luke came back in with a large box. "Luke," Michael whined.
"Michael," Luke mimicked. "Open it," he urged the boy placing it on the boy's lap.
Michael almost wanted to refuse, but remembering Luke's warning about no more kisses he began unwrapping the gift. He tried guessing what it was. The box was shaped almost like two Mars bars next to each other. He couldn't figure it out. "What is it?" Michael asked pausing while trying to take off a large piece of tape.
"Open it, Mikey," Luke laughed.
Michael rolled his eyes and took off the rest of the wrapping paper to reveal an unfamiliar Build-A-Bear box. There was an envelope taped to it and Michael gently pulled it off and slid it open.
To: my Mikey,
For you to hold when I'm not around. For you to sleep with when the bed is otherwise empty. For you to cuddle with when you're lonely and when you're sad. And most importantly. So that it can love you when I'm not there to let you know how much I love you.
Forever, ever,
Your Lukey
Michael could not hold back his tears this time. They spilled over and rolled down his cheeks. He opened the box carefully and removed the blonde teddy bear from its confines.
"What are you naming it?" Luke asked softly wiping Michael's tears with his thumb.
Michael shrugged. He had wanted to name it Luke after the blonde who had given it to him.
"Is Luke too cheesy?" Michael whispered.
The blonde blushed faintly and shrugged, "I dunno," he muttered sheepishly.
Michael smiled and shrugged. "I'm still thinking about it," he concluded.
Luke smiled and hugged Michael resulting in him straddling the smaller boy, but no complaints were heard except for Michael saying Luke was squishing his bear.
"Shut up, Mikey,"
"Why don't you make me?"
"I will,"
And Luke's lips were against Michael's and they moved together in synchronization. Luke moved the teddy bear and Michael squealed when he tossed him carelessly on the floor, but Luke was kissing him again before he had any real chance to protest.
If Michael wasn't so broken maybe it could have lasted longer, but when he winced because his freshly removed stitches wound hurt, Luke hopped up and pulled him back downstairs Michael grabbing the stuffed animal on the way out.
Liz smiled at the two fondly as they settled down entwined on the couch to watch some of their favourite movies. And she thought everything was perfect. And maybe everything was in that moment because they were all happy. But Michael was still wanting to die, only by then he knew he was just waiting for the right time, and something was telling him to wait a little longer. Just a little.
By the end of the night Michael had decided on two things. The first was the teddy bears name. He would call it Robert. It was Luke's middle name, and when Michael looked at the bear it just seemed fitting. The second was his date of death, or date of suicide if you wish. November 22nd. Just two more days. He saw no point in extending it and prolonging his own torture, but he wanted one last day with Luke. Just one more day with Luke.
And Michael fell asleep in Luke's arms clinging to Robert with the number 22 flashing in his mind. And he was happy, because it would all be over soon, but he was sad because that meant losing the few good things he had recently accumulated.
cas��ߪDx�"I try not to laugh. Stitches aren't going to help. They fix skin, cuts, wounds, heal stuff on the outside. Everything broken with me is on the inside,"
~Jessica Sorensen
Within two days Michael finds himself sitting waiting for Luke only when the blonde comes he has to offer a smile.
"My mum's making me do some stuff, but I gave Ash a call and he'll be here any second to take you to get the stitches out,"
Michael tries not to look disappointed. It's not that he doesn't like Ashton, but the boy likes to get everything done in one shot. Michael knows that with Ashton getting his stitches out is a task that could take the rest of the day.
As if on cue there was a knock on the door and Michael gave Luke a quick kiss before opening it to see Ashton grinning at him. "Hey, Ash," Michael greeted.
"Hey, I hope you don't mind, but I've got a handful of errands to run today and I won't be able to squeeze in getting you home till later on," Ashton said apologetically.
"No problem," Michael told him closing the door and following him out to the car. Because it wasn't really a problem. Michael would rather spend time with Ashton then alone, but he knew Luke would be waiting at home and he'd definitely rather Luke.
Ashton climbed into the driver's seat and Michael slid into the passenger's seat next to him, his fingers pressing against the healed cut on his side.
"Hey, what are you doing, Mike?" Ashton asked pulling Michael's arm away from where he could grab at it.
"Sorry. I'm really nervous," Michael admitted.
"Did you, did you used to cut? When you were nervous I mean?"
"Yeah," Michael said with a laugh, "Nervous, anxious, angry, sad, lonely, anything really. I cut whenever I felt, because it was so overwhelming to feel,"
"What about when you didn't feel?"
"When I was numb?" Ashton nodded. "Then I cut because I wanted to feel pain. I always found a reason. Wanted to feel, stop feeling, calm my head, breathe for a moment. For everything,"
"Michael," Ashton wasn't exactly sure how to translate his thoughts into coherent sentences. "There, there are only four of us. And I know that four is such a small number. But four is more than three and more than two and more than one. And, Michael, four is more than zero. Does that make sense? I know that there are only four of us, but we love you and care for you more than anyone else has ever cared for another person. And I think that has to count for something. And I know that you probably want more than four, but four is the only number with the same amount of letters as it's worth? That means, to me at least, that anything above four when it comes to friends. Is fake. Quality over quantity right?"
Ashton glanced over to see Michael swatting at tears.
"Four is more than enough, Ashton. But it's hard when you don't even think you deserve zero," Michael told him.
"We'll stick by you, Mike. Every step to recovery," Ashton muttered as they pulled into the parking lot and he turned off the car. "Starting, with getting those stitches out,"
Michael laughed and followed Ashton out of the car and into the building.
They waited in the reception area for Michael's name to be called joking under their breath and snickering quietly. More than once they were complained about, but since Michael was a patient they couldn't just throw him out.
Eventually a nurse called his name and he followed him into a small office where he was instructed to remove his sweater. Michael obeyed and tried his best not to pay attention to anything.
He was dimly aware of slight pain in his side, but before long he was being told he could leave. When he met up with Ashton by the car he wasn't surprized to see a paper in his hands containing a list of what he needed to get done.
"How long are we looking at?" Michael asked gazing at the sheet.
"Few hours tops," Ashton told him. "First stop, pharmacy,"
Turns out Ashton had three prescriptions to fill. Michael sat waiting in a chair while Ashton gave the lady all three. He sat next to Michael and they waited for her to fill each one appropriately. As they were waiting it occurred to Michael that it was his birthday and his heart - if possible - sunk a little lower. He knew they all knew because of his medical forms, but not a single person had bothered to remember or to say happy birthday if they did.
Once the prescriptions were filled Ashton asked Michael to wait at the register with the woman as he searched for something for his mum. Around two hours after they arrived, Ashton and Michael were back in the car heading to the mall and Michael decided that, that was the longest he'd ever been in a pharmacy.
Ashton killed another hour wandering around a few shops looking for things for his brother and sister, and Michael trailed after him, practically begging him to take him home to Luke.
"I'm hungry. You hungry, Mike?"
"No. Can we please go? You can eat at Luke's,"
"Not yet. I still have some stuff to do, but first I am craving some Chinese food. You sure you don't want anything,"
Michael was either about to scream or burst into tears, so he simply shook his head. It took Ashton half an hour to decide what to order and nearly an hour to eat. If Michael had been paying attention he would have noticed the older boy constantly checking his phone for the time and realized something was up. But all he could focus on was Luke.
"Ashton, come on! I want to go home to Luke!" Michael exclaimed.
Ashton had to try extremely hard not to laugh. "Hang on, Mike. Just a few more stops,"
Michael groaned, "You said that four hours ago,"
"Has it really been that long?"
"Ashton it's five O'clock," Michael snapped. "It's been seven hours. Now can we please go home?"
Ashton deliberated for a while, but he finally agreed. He could do everything else later.
Michael nearly cried tears of happiness when hearing he could finally get back to Luke and he practically bounced to the car dragging Ashton along by the elbow.
Michael could have sworn Ashton was purposely taking the longest route home he could possibly take. At one point they were actually driving away from Luke's house, but Michael couldn't be bothered since they were finally on their way.
When they pulled up Michael jumped out, "Should I just-" but Ashton stopped talking and closed the door simply joining Michael as he walked in.
Ashton grinned and shouted surprise along with the other three as Michael jaw hung wide open.
Nobody had ever done this for him before. Nobody had ever cared enough to remember his birthday before. So Michael started crying.
Calum and Ashton understood, but were still upset to see his tears. Liz stood with tears of her own burning her eyes, but Luke. Luke ran over and hugged Michael as tightly as he could, because he knew all too well what was going through Michael's mind. He had comforted the boy too many times for him to not understand it.
"Happy birthday, kitten," Luke whispered. "And in case you were wondering, it was worth every second to set this up for you. You are so worth it all Michael. I love you,"
"I love you. Forever, ever, Luke. Thank you,"
"Anything for you,"
"I ship Muke harder than a rock," Ashton muttered.
Calum laughed and Michael shook his head.
"Not this again," Michael muttered.
Luke laughed and rubbed Michael's back. "The Muke ship is sailing, baby. There's no taking her back now,"
"Damn. I wanted a full return" Michael teased.
"Did you now?"
"Mhmm,"
Luke shook his head chuckling and kissed Michael's nose.
"Cake time!" Liz called.
Michael laughed at the reaction those words brought from the other three boys, but felt a little nauseated himself. He made his wish and blew out the candles as was tradition to do on your birthday, apparently. Liz made him cut the first piece for himself, and he cut it as small as he could without raising suspicion.
Liz's piece was fairly small but still larger than Michael's, but the other three went full out. He was surprized that Ashton could even think about eating after the Chinese food, but then again he and Ashton were two very different people.
"So I told them you didn't like gifts," Luke began sitting next to Michael, "But they all got you something anyways,"
"And you're trying to say you didn't?"
"Well of course I did. But I'm your boyfriend, you don't have a say in the matter,"
Michael raised his eyebrow. "And if I never open it?"
"No more kisses for you,"
Michael laughed and took advantage of the good mood to force down a good half ,of his cake slice.
"Oh, oh, we're halfway there," Luke sung in his ear softly.
"Oh, oh, we're living on a prayer," Michael continued where Luke left off.
"I knew I loved you for a reason," Luke joked.
Michael gasped, "I think it's you who should be worried about no kisses,"
"Who are you going to kiss instead?"
Michael looked around at Ashton and Calum, "I'll find someone,"
Luke laughed and kissed Michael softly the smaller boy responding instantly. He wanted as much of this as he could get before he let go. But hadn't he already done that in a way?
Michael had given up on himself. He had let himself go, he was only there for Luke's sake, but he knew that within days...that wouldn't matter anymore. He had given himself a list, and he had finished it. He was more than ready to leave. And he was happy to be going.
"Presents!" Calum cheered.
Michael groaned as Luke dragged him over to the couch after he finished his cake.
"Do I have to?" Michael asked.
Luke and Liz laughed as Ashton and Calum stared blankly at him, "Um, yeah. Sort of a mandatory thing around here," Ashton commented.
Michael sighed and sat down waiting. Calum rushed over and placed a small package in his hands. Michael cautiously peeled off the tape and unfolded the wrapping paper. To reveal more wrapping paper.
"Every year, Calum," Luke groaned.
Michael laughed and peeled off several more layers of wrapping paper before revealing two CD's of his favourite band. Michael smiled up at Calum and hugged him briefly before placing them cautiously to the side.
Ashton had gotten him a blue shirt as a bit of a joke along with a black sweatshirt and some of Michael's favourite candies.
To some people the gifts may have seemed mediocre, but to Michael who had never received anything on his birthday. It was as if they were giving him the stars.
Liz's gift caused the waterworks to start, but Michael refused to let the tears fall. There were three small bottles in his hand coming from the pharmacy bag he and Ashton had waited two hours for earlier. Antipsychotics, antidepressants and mood stabilizers. He knew they would not make any difference. Not in the slightest. They would make him feel numb which to him is worse. But he was beyond grateful for the gesture.
Luke didn't give him anything and Michael felt the confusion set in. The blonde had said that he'd gotten Michael something. Michael ignored it however and continued to joke around with the others.
When Calum and Ashton left Liz headed to do the dishes and before Michael could offer to help he was being pulled upstairs by Luke. "What are you doing?" Michael asked completely taken off guard.
"I would like to give you your present now," Luke told him with a wide smile on his face.
Michael was confused, but he followed Luke willingly into his room and sat, as instructed, on the bed, waiting for the blonde to return. Michael's eyes widened slightly when Luke came back in with a large box. "Luke," Michael whined.
"Michael," Luke mimicked. "Open it," he urged the boy placing it on the boy's lap.
Michael almost wanted to refuse, but remembering Luke's warning about no more kisses he began unwrapping the gift. He tried guessing what it was. The box was shaped almost like two Mars bars next to each other. He couldn't figure it out. "What is it?" Michael asked pausing while trying to take off a large piece of tape.
"Open it, Mikey," Luke laughed.
Michael rolled his eyes and took off the rest of the wrapping paper to reveal an unfamiliar Build-A-Bear box. There was an envelope taped to it and Michael gently pulled it off and slid it open.
To: my Mikey,
For you to hold when I'm not around. For you to sleep with when the bed is otherwise empty. For you to cuddle with when you're lonely and when you're sad. And most importantly. So that it can love you when I'm not there to let you know how much I love you.
Forever, ever,
Your Lukey
Michael could not hold back his tears this time. They spilled over and rolled down his cheeks. He opened the box carefully and removed the blonde teddy bear from its confines.
"What are you naming it?" Luke asked softly wiping Michael's tears with his thumb.
Michael shrugged. He had wanted to name it Luke after the blonde who had given it to him.
"Is Luke too cheesy?" Michael whispered.
The blonde blushed faintly and shrugged, "I dunno," he muttered sheepishly.
Michael smiled and shrugged. "I'm still thinking about it," he concluded.
Luke smiled and hugged Michael resulting in him straddling the smaller boy, but no complaints were heard except for Michael saying Luke was squishing his bear.
"Shut up, Mikey,"
"Why don't you make me?"
"I will,"
And Luke's lips were against Michael's and they moved together in synchronization. Luke moved the teddy bear and Michael squealed when he tossed him carelessly on the floor, but Luke was kissing him again before he had any real chance to protest.
If Michael wasn't so broken maybe it could have lasted longer, but when he winced because his freshly removed stitches wound hurt, Luke hopped up and pulled him back downstairs Michael grabbing the stuffed animal on the way out.
Liz smiled at the two fondly as they settled down entwined on the couch to watch some of their favourite movies. And she thought everything was perfect. And maybe everything was in that moment because they were all happy. But Michael was still wanting to die, only by then he knew he was just waiting for the right time, and something was telling him to wait a little longer. Just a little.
By the end of the night Michael had decided on two things. The first was the teddy bears name. He would call it Robert. It was Luke's middle name, and when Michael looked at the bear it just seemed fitting. The second was his date of death, or date of suicide if you wish. November 22nd. Just two more days. He saw no point in extending it and prolonging his own torture, but he wanted one last day with Luke. Just one more day with Luke.
And Michael fell asleep in Luke's arms clinging to Robert with the number 22 flashing in his mind. And he was happy, because it would all be over soon, but he was sad because that meant losing the few good things he had recently accumulated.
cas#��+Dx�"I try not to laugh. Stitches aren't going to help. They fix skin, cuts, wounds, heal stuff on the outside. Everything broken with me is on the inside,"
~Jessica Sorensen
Within two days Michael finds himself sitting waiting for Luke only when the blonde comes he has to offer a smile.
"My mum's making me do some stuff, but I gave Ash a call and he'll be here any second to take you to get the stitches out,"
Michael tries not to look disappointed. It's not that he doesn't like Ashton, but the boy likes to get everything done in one shot. Michael knows that with Ashton getting his stitches out is a task that could take the rest of the day.
As if on cue there was a knock on the door and Michael gave Luke a quick kiss before opening it to see Ashton grinning at him. "Hey, Ash," Michael greeted.
"Hey, I hope you don't mind, but I've got a handful of errands to run today and I won't be able to squeeze in getting you home till later on," Ashton said apologetically.
"No problem," Michael told him closing the door and following him out to the car. Because it wasn't really a problem. Michael would rather spend time with Ashton then alone, but he knew Luke would be waiting at home and he'd definitely rather Luke.
Ashton climbed into the driver's seat and Michael slid into the passenger's seat next to him, his fingers pressing against the healed cut on his side.
"Hey, what are you doing, Mike?" Ashton asked pulling Michael's arm away from where he could grab at it.
"Sorry. I'm really nervous," Michael admitted.
"Did you, did you used to cut? When you were nervous I mean?"
"Yeah," Michael said with a laugh, "Nervous, anxious, angry, sad, lonely, anything really. I cut whenever I felt, because it was so overwhelming to feel,"
"What about when you didn't feel?"
"When I was numb?" Ashton nodded. "Then I cut because I wanted to feel pain. I always found a reason. Wanted to feel, stop feeling, calm my head, breathe for a moment. For everything,"
"Michael," Ashton wasn't exactly sure how to translate his thoughts into coherent sentences. "There, there are only four of us. And I know that four is such a small number. But four is more than three and more than two and more than one. And, Michael, four is more than zero. Does that make sense? I know that there are only four of us, but we love you and care for you more than anyone else has ever cared for another person. And I think that has to count for something. And I know that you probably want more than four, but four is the only number with the same amount of letters as it's worth? That means, to me at least, that anything above four when it comes to friends. Is fake. Quality over quantity right?"
Ashton glanced over to see Michael swatting at tears.
"Four is more than enough, Ashton. But it's hard when you don't even think you deserve zero," Michael told him.
"We'll stick by you, Mike. Every step to recovery," Ashton muttered as they pulled into the parking lot and he turned off the car. "Starting, with getting those stitches out,"
Michael laughed and followed Ashton out of the car and into the building.
They waited in the reception area for Michael's name to be called joking under their breath and snickering quietly. More than once they were complained about, but since Michael was a patient they couldn't just throw him out.
Eventually a nurse called his name and he followed him into a small office where he was instructed to remove his sweater. Michael obeyed and tried his best not to pay attention to anything.
He was dimly aware of slight pain in his side, but before long he was being told he could leave. When he met up with Ashton by the car he wasn't surprized to see a paper in his hands containing a list of what he needed to get done.
"How long are we looking at?" Michael asked gazing at the sheet.
"Few hours tops," Ashton told him. "First stop, pharmacy,"
Turns out Ashton had three prescriptions to fill. Michael sat waiting in a chair while Ashton gave the lady all three. He sat next to Michael and they waited for her to fill each one appropriately. As they were waiting it occurred to Michael that it was his birthday and his heart - if possible - sunk a little lower. He knew they all knew because of his medical forms, but not a single person had bothered to remember or to say happy birthday if they did.
Once the prescriptions were filled Ashton asked Michael to wait at the register with the woman as he searched for something for his mum. Around two hours after they arrived, Ashton and Michael were back in the car heading to the mall and Michael decided that, that was the longest he'd ever been in a pharmacy.
Ashton killed another hour wandering around a few shops looking for things for his brother and sister, and Michael trailed after him, practically begging him to take him home to Luke.
"I'm hungry. You hungry, Mike?"
"No. Can we please go? You can eat at Luke's,"
"Not yet. I still have some stuff to do, but first I am craving some Chinese food. You sure you don't want anything,"
Michael was either about to scream or burst into tears, so he simply shook his head. It took Ashton half an hour to decide what to order and nearly an hour to eat. If Michael had been paying attention he would have noticed the older boy constantly checking his phone for the time and realized something was up. But all he could focus on was Luke.
"Ashton, come on! I want to go home to Luke!" Michael exclaimed.
Ashton had to try extremely hard not to laugh. "Hang on, Mike. Just a few more stops,"
Michael groaned, "You said that four hours ago,"
"Has it really been that long?"
"Ashton it's five O'clock," Michael snapped. "It's been seven hours. Now can we please go home?"
Ashton deliberated for a while, but he finally agreed. He could do everything else later.
Michael nearly cried tears of happiness when hearing he could finally get back to Luke and he practically bounced to the car dragging Ashton along by the elbow.
Michael could have sworn Ashton was purposely taking the longest route home he could possibly take. At one point they were actually driving away from Luke's house, but Michael couldn't be bothered since they were finally on their way.
When they pulled up Michael jumped out, "Should I just-" but Ashton stopped talking and closed the door simply joining Michael as he walked in.
Ashton grinned and shouted surprise along with the other three as Michael jaw hung wide open.
Nobody had ever done this for him before. Nobody had ever cared enough to remember his birthday before. So Michael started crying.
Calum and Ashton understood, but were still upset to see his tears. Liz stood with tears of her own burning her eyes, but Luke. Luke ran over and hugged Michael as tightly as he could, because he knew all too well what was going through Michael's mind. He had comforted the boy too many times for him to not understand it.
"Happy birthday, kitten," Luke whispered. "And in case you were wondering, it was worth every second to set this up for you. You are so worth it all Michael. I love you,"
"I love you. Forever, ever, Luke. Thank you,"
"Anything for you,"
"I ship Muke harder than a rock," Ashton muttered.
Calum laughed and Michael shook his head.
"Not this again," Michael muttered.
Luke laughed and rubbed Michael's back. "The Muke ship is sailing, baby. There's no taking her back now,"
"Damn. I wanted a full return" Michael teased.
"Did you now?"
"Mhmm,"
Luke shook his head chuckling and kissed Michael's nose.
"Cake time!" Liz called.
Michael laughed at the reaction those words brought from the other three boys, but felt a little nauseated himself. He made his wish and blew out the candles as was tradition to do on your birthday, apparently. Liz made him cut the first piece for himself, and he cut it as small as he could without raising suspicion.
Liz's piece was fairly small but still larger than Michael's, but the other three went full out. He was surprized that Ashton could even think about eating after the Chinese food, but then again he and Ashton were two very different people.
"So I told them you didn't like gifts," Luke began sitting next to Michael, "But they all got you something anyways,"
"And you're trying to say you didn't?"
"Well of course I did. But I'm your boyfriend, you don't have a say in the matter,"
Michael raised his eyebrow. "And if I never open it?"
"No more kisses for you,"
Michael laughed and took advantage of the good mood to force down a good half ,of his cake slice.
"Oh, oh, we're halfway there," Luke sung in his ear softly.
"Oh, oh, we're living on a prayer," Michael continued where Luke left off.
"I knew I loved you for a reason," Luke joked.
Michael gasped, "I think it's you who should be worried about no kisses,"
"Who are you going to kiss instead?"
Michael looked around at Ashton and Calum, "I'll find someone,"
Luke laughed and kissed Michael softly the smaller boy responding instantly. He wanted as much of this as he could get before he let go. But hadn't he already done that in a way?
Michael had given up on himself. He had let himself go, he was only there for Luke's sake, but he knew that within days...that wouldn't matter anymore. He had given himself a list, and he had finished it. He was more than ready to leave. And he was happy to be going.
"Presents!" Calum cheered.
Michael groaned as Luke dragged him over to the couch after he finished his cake.
"Do I have to?" Michael asked.
Luke and Liz laughed as Ashton and Calum stared blankly at him, "Um, yeah. Sort of a mandatory thing around here," Ashton commented.
Michael sighed and sat down waiting. Calum rushed over and placed a small package in his hands. Michael cautiously peeled off the tape and unfolded the wrapping paper. To reveal more wrapping paper.
"Every year, Calum," Luke groaned.
Michael laughed and peeled off several more layers of wrapping paper before revealing two CD's of his favourite band. Michael smiled up at Calum and hugged him briefly before placing them cautiously to the side.
Ashton had gotten him a blue shirt as a bit of a joke along with a black sweatshirt and some of Michael's favourite candies.
To some people the gifts may have seemed mediocre, but to Michael who had never received anything on his birthday. It was as if they were giving him the stars.
Liz's gift caused the waterworks to start, but Michael refused to let the tears fall. There were three small bottles in his hand coming from the pharmacy bag he and Ashton had waited two hours for earlier. Antipsychotics, antidepressants and mood stabilizers. He knew they would not make any difference. Not in the slightest. They would make him feel numb which to him is worse. But he was beyond grateful for the gesture.
Luke didn't give him anything and Michael felt the confusion set in. The blonde had said that he'd gotten Michael something. Michael ignored it however and continued to joke around with the others.
When Calum and Ashton left Liz headed to do the dishes and before Michael could offer to help he was being pulled upstairs by Luke. "What are you doing?" Michael asked completely taken off guard.
"I would like to give you your present now," Luke told him with a wide smile on his face.
Michael was confused, but he followed Luke willingly into his room and sat, as instructed, on the bed, waiting for the blonde to return. Michael's eyes widened slightly when Luke came back in with a large box. "Luke," Michael whined.
"Michael," Luke mimicked. "Open it," he urged the boy placing it on the boy's lap.
Michael almost wanted to refuse, but remembering Luke's warning about no more kisses he began unwrapping the gift. He tried guessing what it was. The box was shaped almost like two Mars bars next to each other. He couldn't figure it out. "What is it?" Michael asked pausing while trying to take off a large piece of tape.
"Open it, Mikey," Luke laughed.
Michael rolled his eyes and took off the rest of the wrapping paper to reveal an unfamiliar Build-A-Bear box. There was an envelope taped to it and Michael gently pulled it off and slid it open.
To: my Mikey,
For you to hold when I'm not around. For you to sleep with when the bed is otherwise empty. For you to cuddle with when you're lonely and when you're sad. And most importantly. So that it can love you when I'm not there to let you know how much I love you.
Forever, ever,
Your Lukey
Michael could not hold back his tears this time. They spilled over and rolled down his cheeks. He opened the box carefully and removed the blonde teddy bear from its confines.
"What are you naming it?" Luke asked softly wiping Michael's tears with his thumb.
Michael shrugged. He had wanted to name it Luke after the blonde who had given it to him.
"Is Luke too cheesy?" Michael whispered.
The blonde blushed faintly and shrugged, "I dunno," he muttered sheepishly.
Michael smiled and shrugged. "I'm still thinking about it," he concluded.
Luke smiled and hugged Michael resulting in him straddling the smaller boy, but no complaints were heard except for Michael saying Luke was squishing his bear.
"Shut up, Mikey,"
"Why don't you make me?"
"I will,"
And Luke's lips were against Michael's and they moved together in synchronization. Luke moved the teddy bear and Michael squealed when he tossed him carelessly on the floor, but Luke was kissing him again before he had any real chance to protest.
If Michael wasn't so broken maybe it could have lasted longer, but when he winced because his freshly removed stitches wound hurt, Luke hopped up and pulled him back downstairs Michael grabbing the stuffed animal on the way out.
Liz smiled at the two fondly as they settled down entwined on the couch to watch some of their favourite movies. And she thought everything was perfect. And maybe everything was in that moment because they were all happy. But Michael was still wanting to die, only by then he knew he was just waiting for the right time, and something was telling him to wait a little longer. Just a little.
By the end of the night Michael had decided on two things. The first was the teddy bears name. He would call it Robert. It was Luke's middle name, and when Michael looked at the bear it just seemed fitting. The second was his date of death, or date of suicide if you wish. November 22nd. Just two more days. He saw no point in extending it and prolonging his own torture, but he wanted one last day with Luke. Just one more day with Luke.
And Michael fell asleep in Luke's arms clinging to Robert with the number 22 flashing in his mind. And he was happy, because it would all be over soon, but he was sad because that meant losing the few good things he had recently accumulated.
cas��ߪDx�"I try not to laugh. Stitches aren't going to help. They fix skin, cuts, wounds, heal stuff on the outside. Everything broken with me is on the inside,"
~Jessica Sorensen
Within two days Michael finds himself sitting waiting for Luke only when the blonde comes he has to offer a smile.
"My mum's making me do some stuff, but I gave Ash a call and he'll be here any second to take you to get the stitches out,"
Michael tries not to look disappointed. It's not that he doesn't like Ashton, but the boy likes to get everything done in one shot. Michael knows that with Ashton getting his stitches out is a task that could take the rest of the day.
As if on cue there was a knock on the door and Michael gave Luke a quick kiss before opening it to see Ashton grinning at him. "Hey, Ash," Michael greeted.
"Hey, I hope you don't mind, but I've got a handful of errands to run today and I won't be able to squeeze in getting you home till later on," Ashton said apologetically.
"No problem," Michael told him closing the door and following him out to the car. Because it wasn't really a problem. Michael would rather spend time with Ashton then alone, but he knew Luke would be waiting at home and he'd definitely rather Luke.
Ashton climbed into the driver's seat and Michael slid into the passenger's seat next to him, his fingers pressing against the healed cut on his side.
"Hey, what are you doing, Mike?" Ashton asked pulling Michael's arm away from where he could grab at it.
"Sorry. I'm really nervous," Michael admitted.
"Did you, did you used to cut? When you were nervous I mean?"
"Yeah," Michael said with a laugh, "Nervous, anxious, angry, sad, lonely, anything really. I cut whenever I felt, because it was so overwhelming to feel,"
"What about when you didn't feel?"
"When I was numb?" Ashton nodded. "Then I cut because I wanted to feel pain. I always found a reason. Wanted to feel, stop feeling, calm my head, breathe for a moment. For everything,"
"Michael," Ashton wasn't exactly sure how to translate his thoughts into coherent sentences. "There, there are only four of us. And I know that four is such a small number. But four is more than three and more than two and more than one. And, Michael, four is more than zero. Does that make sense? I know that there are only four of us, but we love you and care for you more than anyone else has ever cared for another person. And I think that has to count for something. And I know that you probably want more than four, but four is the only number with the same amount of letters as it's worth? That means, to me at least, that anything above four when it comes to friends. Is fake. Quality over quantity right?"
Ashton glanced over to see Michael swatting at tears.
"Four is more than enough, Ashton. But it's hard when you don't even think you deserve zero," Michael told him.
"We'll stick by you, Mike. Every step to recovery," Ashton muttered as they pulled into the parking lot and he turned off the car. "Starting, with getting those stitches out,"
Michael laughed and followed Ashton out of the car and into the building.
They waited in the reception area for Michael's name to be called joking under their breath and snickering quietly. More than once they were complained about, but since Michael was a patient they couldn't just throw him out.
Eventually a nurse called his name and he followed him into a small office where he was instructed to remove his sweater. Michael obeyed and tried his best not to pay attention to anything.
He was dimly aware of slight pain in his side, but before long he was being told he could leave. When he met up with Ashton by the car he wasn't surprized to see a paper in his hands containing a list of what he needed to get done.
"How long are we looking at?" Michael asked gazing at the sheet.
"Few hours tops," Ashton told him. "First stop, pharmacy,"
Turns out Ashton had three prescriptions to fill. Michael sat waiting in a chair while Ashton gave the lady all three. He sat next to Michael and they waited for her to fill each one appropriately. As they were waiting it occurred to Michael that it was his birthday and his heart - if possible - sunk a little lower. He knew they all knew because of his medical forms, but not a single person had bothered to remember or to say happy birthday if they did.
Once the prescriptions were filled Ashton asked Michael to wait at the register with the woman as he searched for something for his mum. Around two hours after they arrived, Ashton and Michael were back in the car heading to the mall and Michael decided that, that was the longest he'd ever been in a pharmacy.
Ashton killed another hour wandering around a few shops looking for things for his brother and sister, and Michael trailed after him, practically begging him to take him home to Luke.
"I'm hungry. You hungry, Mike?"
"No. Can we please go? You can eat at Luke's,"
"Not yet. I still have some stuff to do, but first I am craving some Chinese food. You sure you don't want anything,"
Michael was either about to scream or burst into tears, so he simply shook his head. It took Ashton half an hour to decide what to order and nearly an hour to eat. If Michael had been paying attention he would have noticed the older boy constantly checking his phone for the time and realized something was up. But all he could focus on was Luke.
"Ashton, come on! I want to go home to Luke!" Michael exclaimed.
Ashton had to try extremely hard not to laugh. "Hang on, Mike. Just a few more stops,"
Michael groaned, "You said that four hours ago,"
"Has it really been that long?"
"Ashton it's five O'clock," Michael snapped. "It's been seven hours. Now can we please go home?"
Ashton deliberated for a while, but he finally agreed. He could do everything else later.
Michael nearly cried tears of happiness when hearing he could finally get back to Luke and he practically bounced to the car dragging Ashton along by the elbow.
Michael could have sworn Ashton was purposely taking the longest route home he could possibly take. At one point they were actually driving away from Luke's house, but Michael couldn't be bothered since they were finally on their way.
When they pulled up Michael jumped out, "Should I just-" but Ashton stopped talking and closed the door simply joining Michael as he walked in.
Ashton grinned and shouted surprise along with the other three as Michael jaw hung wide open.
Nobody had ever done this for him before. Nobody had ever cared enough to remember his birthday before. So Michael started crying.
Calum and Ashton understood, but were still upset to see his tears. Liz stood with tears of her own burning her eyes, but Luke. Luke ran over and hugged Michael as tightly as he could, because he knew all too well what was going through Michael's mind. He had comforted the boy too many times for him to not understand it.
"Happy birthday, kitten," Luke whispered. "And in case you were wondering, it was worth every second to set this up for you. You are so worth it all Michael. I love you,"
"I love you. Forever, ever, Luke. Thank you,"
"Anything for you,"
"I ship Muke harder than a rock," Ashton muttered.
Calum laughed and Michael shook his head.
"Not this again," Michael muttered.
Luke laughed and rubbed Michael's back. "The Muke ship is sailing, baby. There's no taking her back now,"
"Damn. I wanted a full return" Michael teased.
"Did you now?"
"Mhmm,"
Luke shook his head chuckling and kissed Michael's nose.
"Cake time!" Liz called.
Michael laughed at the reaction those words brought from the other three boys, but felt a little nauseated himself. He made his wish and blew out the candles as was tradition to do on your birthday, apparently. Liz made him cut the first piece for himself, and he cut it as small as he could without raising suspicion.
Liz's piece was fairly small but still larger than Michael's, but the other three went full out. He was surprized that Ashton could even think about eating after the Chinese food, but then again he and Ashton were two very different people.
"So I told them you didn't like gifts," Luke began sitting next to Michael, "But they all got you something anyways,"
"And you're trying to say you didn't?"
"Well of course I did. But I'm your boyfriend, you don't have a say in the matter,"
Michael raised his eyebrow. "And if I never open it?"
"No more kisses for you,"
Michael laughed and took advantage of the good mood to force down a good half ,of his cake slice.
"Oh, oh, we're halfway there," Luke sung in his ear softly.
"Oh, oh, we're living on a prayer," Michael continued where Luke left off.
"I knew I loved you for a reason," Luke joked.
Michael gasped, "I think it's you who should be worried about no kisses,"
"Who are you going to kiss instead?"
Michael looked around at Ashton and Calum, "I'll find someone,"
Luke laughed and kissed Michael softly the smaller boy responding instantly. He wanted as much of this as he could get before he let go. But hadn't he already done that in a way?
Michael had given up on himself. He had let himself go, he was only there for Luke's sake, but he knew that within days...that wouldn't matter anymore. He had given himself a list, and he had finished it. He was more than ready to leave. And he was happy to be going.
"Presents!" Calum cheered.
Michael groaned as Luke dragged him over to the couch after he finished his cake.
"Do I have to?" Michael asked.
Luke and Liz laughed as Ashton and Calum stared blankly at him, "Um, yeah. Sort of a mandatory thing around here," Ashton commented.
Michael sighed and sat down waiting. Calum rushed over and placed a small package in his hands. Michael cautiously peeled off the tape and unfolded the wrapping paper. To reveal more wrapping paper.
"Every year, Calum," Luke groaned.
Michael laughed and peeled off several more layers of wrapping paper before revealing two CD's of his favourite band. Michael smiled up at Calum and hugged him briefly before placing them cautiously to the side.
Ashton had gotten him a blue shirt as a bit of a joke along with a black sweatshirt and some of Michael's favourite candies.
To some people the gifts may have seemed mediocre, but to Michael who had never received anything on his birthday. It was as if they were giving him the stars.
Liz's gift caused the waterworks to start, but Michael refused to let the tears fall. There were three small bottles in his hand coming from the pharmacy bag he and Ashton had waited two hours for earlier. Antipsychotics, antidepressants and mood stabilizers. He knew they would not make any difference. Not in the slightest. They would make him feel numb which to him is worse. But he was beyond grateful for the gesture.
Luke didn't give him anything and Michael felt the confusion set in. The blonde had said that he'd gotten Michael something. Michael ignored it however and continued to joke around with the others.
When Calum and Ashton left Liz headed to do the dishes and before Michael could offer to help he was being pulled upstairs by Luke. "What are you doing?" Michael asked completely taken off guard.
"I would like to give you your present now," Luke told him with a wide smile on his face.
Michael was confused, but he followed Luke willingly into his room and sat, as instructed, on the bed, waiting for the blonde to return. Michael's eyes widened slightly when Luke came back in with a large box. "Luke," Michael whined.
"Michael," Luke mimicked. "Open it," he urged the boy placing it on the boy's lap.
Michael almost wanted to refuse, but remembering Luke's warning about no more kisses he began unwrapping the gift. He tried guessing what it was. The box was shaped almost like two Mars bars next to each other. He couldn't figure it out. "What is it?" Michael asked pausing while trying to take off a large piece of tape.
"Open it, Mikey," Luke laughed.
Michael rolled his eyes and took off the rest of the wrapping paper to reveal an unfamiliar Build-A-Bear box. There was an envelope taped to it and Michael gently pulled it off and slid it open.
To: my Mikey,
For you to hold when I'm not around. For you to sleep with when the bed is otherwise empty. For you to cuddle with when you're lonely and when you're sad. And most importantly. So that it can love you when I'm not there to let you know how much I love you.
Forever, ever,
Your Lukey
Michael could not hold back his tears this time. They spilled over and rolled down his cheeks. He opened the box carefully and removed the blonde teddy bear from its confines.
"What are you naming it?" Luke asked softly wiping Michael's tears with his thumb.
Michael shrugged. He had wanted to name it Luke after the blonde who had given it to him.
"Is Luke too cheesy?" Michael whispered.
The blonde blushed faintly and shrugged, "I dunno," he muttered sheepishly.
Michael smiled and shrugged. "I'm still thinking about it," he concluded.
Luke smiled and hugged Michael resulting in him straddling the smaller boy, but no complaints were heard except for Michael saying Luke was squishing his bear.
"Shut up, Mikey,"
"Why don't you make me?"
"I will,"
And Luke's lips were against Michael's and they moved together in synchronization. Luke moved the teddy bear and Michael squealed when he tossed him carelessly on the floor, but Luke was kissing him again before he had any real chance to protest.
If Michael wasn't so broken maybe it could have lasted longer, but when he winced because his freshly removed stitches wound hurt, Luke hopped up and pulled him back downstairs Michael grabbing the stuffed animal on the way out.
Liz smiled at the two fondly as they settled down entwined on the couch to watch some of their favourite movies. And she thought everything was perfect. And maybe everything was in that moment because they were all happy. But Michael was still wanting to die, only by then he knew he was just waiting for the right time, and something was telling him to wait a little longer. Just a little.
By the end of the night Michael had decided on two things. The first was the teddy bears name. He would call it Robert. It was Luke's middle name, and when Michael looked at the bear it just seemed fitting. The second was his date of death, or date of suicide if you wish. November 22nd. Just two more days. He saw no point in extending it and prolonging his own torture, but he wanted one last day with Luke. Just one more day with Luke.
And Michael fell asleep in Luke's arms clinging to Robert with the number 22 flashing in his mind. And he was happy, because it would all be over soon, but he was sad because that meant losing the few good things he had recently accumulated.
cas��ߪDx�"I try not to laugh. Stitches aren't going to help. They fix skin, cuts, wounds, heal stuff on the outside. Everything broken with me is on the inside,"
~Jessica Sorensen
Within two days Michael finds himself sitting waiting for Luke only when the blonde comes he has to offer a smile.
"My mum's making me do some stuff, but I gave Ash a call and he'll be here any second to take you to get the stitches out,"
Michael tries not to look disappointed. It's not that he doesn't like Ashton, but the boy likes to get everything done in one shot. Michael knows that with Ashton getting his stitches out is a task that could take the rest of the day.
As if on cue there was a knock on the door and Michael gave Luke a quick kiss before opening it to see Ashton grinning at him. "Hey, Ash," Michael greeted.
"Hey, I hope you don't mind, but I've got a handful of errands to run today and I won't be able to squeeze in getting you home till later on," Ashton said apologetically.
"No problem," Michael told him closing the door and following him out to the car. Because it wasn't really a problem. Michael would rather spend time with Ashton then alone, but he knew Luke would be waiting at home and he'd definitely rather Luke.
Ashton climbed into the driver's seat and Michael slid into the passenger's seat next to him, his fingers pressing against the healed cut on his side.
"Hey, what are you doing, Mike?" Ashton asked pulling Michael's arm away from where he could grab at it.
"Sorry. I'm really nervous," Michael admitted.
"Did you, did you used to cut? When you were nervous I mean?"
"Yeah," Michael said with a laugh, "Nervous, anxious, angry, sad, lonely, anything really. I cut whenever I felt, because it was so overwhelming to feel,"
"What about when you didn't feel?"
"When I was numb?" Ashton nodded. "Then I cut because I wanted to feel pain. I always found a reason. Wanted to feel, stop feeling, calm my head, breathe for a moment. For everything,"
"Michael," Ashton wasn't exactly sure how to translate his thoughts into coherent sentences. "There, there are only four of us. And I know that four is such a small number. But four is more than three and more than two and more than one. And, Michael, four is more than zero. Does that make sense? I know that there are only four of us, but we love you and care for you more than anyone else has ever cared for another person. And I think that has to count for something. And I know that you probably want more than four, but four is the only number with the same amount of letters as it's worth? That means, to me at least, that anything above four when it comes to friends. Is fake. Quality over quantity right?"
Ashton glanced over to see Michael swatting at tears.
"Four is more than enough, Ashton. But it's hard when you don't even think you deserve zero," Michael told him.
"We'll stick by you, Mike. Every step to recovery," Ashton muttered as they pulled into the parking lot and he turned off the car. "Starting, with getting those stitches out,"
Michael laughed and followed Ashton out of the car and into the building.
They waited in the reception area for Michael's name to be called joking under their breath and snickering quietly. More than once they were complained about, but since Michael was a patient they couldn't just throw him out.
Eventually a nurse called his name and he followed him into a small office where he was instructed to remove his sweater. Michael obeyed and tried his best not to pay attention to anything.
He was dimly aware of slight pain in his side, but before long he was being told he could leave. When he met up with Ashton by the car he wasn't surprized to see a paper in his hands containing a list of what he needed to get done.
"How long are we looking at?" Michael asked gazing at the sheet.
"Few hours tops," Ashton told him. "First stop, pharmacy,"
Turns out Ashton had three prescriptions to fill. Michael sat waiting in a chair while Ashton gave the lady all three. He sat next to Michael and they waited for her to fill each one appropriately. As they were waiting it occurred to Michael that it was his birthday and his heart - if possible - sunk a little lower. He knew they all knew because of his medical forms, but not a single person had bothered to remember or to say happy birthday if they did.
Once the prescriptions were filled Ashton asked Michael to wait at the register with the woman as he searched for something for his mum. Around two hours after they arrived, Ashton and Michael were back in the car heading to the mall and Michael decided that, that was the longest he'd ever been in a pharmacy.
Ashton killed another hour wandering around a few shops looking for things for his brother and sister, and Michael trailed after him, practically begging him to take him home to Luke.
"I'm hungry. You hungry, Mike?"
"No. Can we please go? You can eat at Luke's,"
"Not yet. I still have some stuff to do, but first I am craving some Chinese food. You sure you don't want anything,"
Michael was either about to scream or burst into tears, so he simply shook his head. It took Ashton half an hour to decide what to order and nearly an hour to eat. If Michael had been paying attention he would have noticed the older boy constantly checking his phone for the time and realized something was up. But all he could focus on was Luke.
"Ashton, come on! I want to go home to Luke!" Michael exclaimed.
Ashton had to try extremely hard not to laugh. "Hang on, Mike. Just a few more stops,"
Michael groaned, "You said that four hours ago,"
"Has it really been that long?"
"Ashton it's five O'clock," Michael snapped. "It's been seven hours. Now can we please go home?"
Ashton deliberated for a while, but he finally agreed. He could do everything else later.
Michael nearly cried tears of happiness when hearing he could finally get back to Luke and he practically bounced to the car dragging Ashton along by the elbow.
Michael could have sworn Ashton was purposely taking the longest route home he could possibly take. At one point they were actually driving away from Luke's house, but Michael couldn't be bothered since they were finally on their way.
When they pulled up Michael jumped out, "Should I just-" but Ashton stopped talking and closed the door simply joining Michael as he walked in.
Ashton grinned and shouted surprise along with the other three as Michael jaw hung wide open.
Nobody had ever done this for him before. Nobody had ever cared enough to remember his birthday before. So Michael started crying.
Calum and Ashton understood, but were still upset to see his tears. Liz stood with tears of her own burning her eyes, but Luke. Luke ran over and hugged Michael as tightly as he could, because he knew all too well what was going through Michael's mind. He had comforted the boy too many times for him to not understand it.
"Happy birthday, kitten," Luke whispered. "And in case you were wondering, it was worth every second to set this up for you. You are so worth it all Michael. I love you,"
"I love you. Forever, ever, Luke. Thank you,"
"Anything for you,"
"I ship Muke harder than a rock," Ashton muttered.
Calum laughed and Michael shook his head.
"Not this again," Michael muttered.
Luke laughed and rubbed Michael's back. "The Muke ship is sailing, baby. There's no taking her back now,"
"Damn. I wanted a full return" Michael teased.
"Did you now?"
"Mhmm,"
Luke shook his head chuckling and kissed Michael's nose.
"Cake time!" Liz called.
Michael laughed at the reaction those words brought from the other three boys, but felt a little nauseated himself. He made his wish and blew out the candles as was tradition to do on your birthday, apparently. Liz made him cut the first piece for himself, and he cut it as small as he could without raising suspicion.
Liz's piece was fairly small but still larger than Michael's, but the other three went full out. He was surprized that Ashton could even think about eating after the Chinese food, but then again he and Ashton were two very different people.
"So I told them you didn't like gifts," Luke began sitting next to Michael, "But they all got you something anyways,"
"And you're trying to say you didn't?"
"Well of course I did. But I'm your boyfriend, you don't have a say in the matter,"
Michael raised his eyebrow. "And if I never open it?"
"No more kisses for you,"
Michael laughed and took advantage of the good mood to force down a good half ,of his cake slice.
"Oh, oh, we're halfway there," Luke sung in his ear softly.
"Oh, oh, we're living on a prayer," Michael continued where Luke left off.
"I knew I loved you for a reason," Luke joked.
Michael gasped, "I think it's you who should be worried about no kisses,"
"Who are you going to kiss instead?"
Michael looked around at Ashton and Calum, "I'll find someone,"
Luke laughed and kissed Michael softly the smaller boy responding instantly. He wanted as much of this as he could get before he let go. But hadn't he already done that in a way?
Michael had given up on himself. He had let himself go, he was only there for Luke's sake, but he knew that within days...that wouldn't matter anymore. He had given himself a list, and he had finished it. He was more than ready to leave. And he was happy to be going.
"Presents!" Calum cheered.
Michael groaned as Luke dragged him over to the couch after he finished his cake.
"Do I have to?" Michael asked.
Luke and Liz laughed as Ashton and Calum stared blankly at him, "Um, yeah. Sort of a mandatory thing around here," Ashton commented.
Michael sighed and sat down waiting. Calum rushed over and placed a small package in his hands. Michael cautiously peeled off the tape and unfolded the wrapping paper. To reveal more wrapping paper.
"Every year, Calum," Luke groaned.
Michael laughed and peeled off several more layers of wrapping paper before revealing two CD's of his favourite band. Michael smiled up at Calum and hugged him briefly before placing them cautiously to the side.
Ashton had gotten him a blue shirt as a bit of a joke along with a black sweatshirt and some of Michael's favourite candies.
To some people the gifts may have seemed mediocre, but to Michael who had never received anything on his birthday. It was as if they were giving him the stars.
Liz's gift caused the waterworks to start, but Michael refused to let the tears fall. There were three small bottles in his hand coming from the pharmacy bag he and Ashton had waited two hours for earlier. Antipsychotics, antidepressants and mood stabilizers. He knew they would not make any difference. Not in the slightest. They would make him feel numb which to him is worse. But he was beyond grateful for the gesture.
Luke didn't give him anything and Michael felt the confusion set in. The blonde had said that he'd gotten Michael something. Michael ignored it however and continued to joke around with the others.
When Calum and Ashton left Liz headed to do the dishes and before Michael could offer to help he was being pulled upstairs by Luke. "What are you doing?" Michael asked completely taken off guard.
"I would like to give you your present now," Luke told him with a wide smile on his face.
Michael was confused, but he followed Luke willingly into his room and sat, as instructed, on the bed, waiting for the blonde to return. Michael's eyes widened slightly when Luke came back in with a large box. "Luke," Michael whined.
"Michael," Luke mimicked. "Open it," he urged the boy placing it on the boy's lap.
Michael almost wanted to refuse, but remembering Luke's warning about no more kisses he began unwrapping the gift. He tried guessing what it was. The box was shaped almost like two Mars bars next to each other. He couldn't figure it out. "What is it?" Michael asked pausing while trying to take off a large piece of tape.
"Open it, Mikey," Luke laughed.
Michael rolled his eyes and took off the rest of the wrapping paper to reveal an unfamiliar Build-A-Bear box. There was an envelope taped to it and Michael gently pulled it off and slid it open.
To: my Mikey,
For you to hold when I'm not around. For you to sleep with when the bed is otherwise empty. For you to cuddle with when you're lonely and when you're sad. And most importantly. So that it can love you when I'm not there to let you know how much I love you.
Forever, ever,
Your Lukey
Michael could not hold back his tears this time. They spilled over and rolled down his cheeks. He opened the box carefully and removed the blonde teddy bear from its confines.
"What are you naming it?" Luke asked softly wiping Michael's tears with his thumb.
Michael shrugged. He had wanted to name it Luke after the blonde who had given it to him.
"Is Luke too cheesy?" Michael whispered.
The blonde blushed faintly and shrugged, "I dunno," he muttered sheepishly.
Michael smiled and shrugged. "I'm still thinking about it," he concluded.
Luke smiled and hugged Michael resulting in him straddling the smaller boy, but no complaints were heard except for Michael saying Luke was squishing his bear.
"Shut up, Mikey,"
"Why don't you make me?"
"I will,"
And Luke's lips were against Michael's and they moved together in synchronization. Luke moved the teddy bear and Michael squealed when he tossed him carelessly on the floor, but Luke was kissing him again before he had any real chance to protest.
If Michael wasn't so broken maybe it could have lasted longer, but when he winced because his freshly removed stitches wound hurt, Luke hopped up and pulled him back downstairs Michael grabbing the stuffed animal on the way out.
Liz smiled at the two fondly as they settled down entwined on the couch to watch some of their favourite movies. And she thought everything was perfect. And maybe everything was in that moment because they were all happy. But Michael was still wanting to die, only by then he knew he was just waiting for the right time, and something was telling him to wait a little longer. Just a little.
By the end of the night Michael had decided on two things. The first was the teddy bears name. He would call it Robert. It was Luke's middle name, and when Michael looked at the bear it just seemed fitting. The second was his date of death, or date of suicide if you wish. November 22nd. Just two more days. He saw no point in extending it and prolonging his own torture, but he wanted one last day with Luke. Just one more day with Luke.
And Michael fell asleep in Luke's arms clinging to Robert with the number 22 flashing in his mind. And he was happy, because it would all be over soon, but he was sad because that meant losing the few good things he had recently accumulated.
cas��ߪDx�"I try not to laugh. Stitches aren't going to help. They fix skin, cuts, wounds, heal stuff on the outside. Everything broken with me is on the inside,"
~Jessica Sorensen
Within two days Michael finds himself sitting waiting for Luke only when the blonde comes he has to offer a smile.
"My mum's making me do some stuff, but I gave Ash a call and he'll be here any second to take you to get the stitches out,"
Michael tries not to look disappointed. It's not that he doesn't like Ashton, but the boy likes to get everything done in one shot. Michael knows that with Ashton getting his stitches out is a task that could take the rest of the day.
As if on cue there was a knock on the door and Michael gave Luke a quick kiss before opening it to see Ashton grinning at him. "Hey, Ash," Michael greeted.
"Hey, I hope you don't mind, but I've got a handful of errands to run today and I won't be able to squeeze in getting you home till later on," Ashton said apologetically.
"No problem," Michael told him closing the door and following him out to the car. Because it wasn't really a problem. Michael would rather spend time with Ashton then alone, but he knew Luke would be waiting at home and he'd definitely rather Luke.
Ashton climbed into the driver's seat and Michael slid into the passenger's seat next to him, his fingers pressing against the healed cut on his side.
"Hey, what are you doing, Mike?" Ashton asked pulling Michael's arm away from where he could grab at it.
"Sorry. I'm really nervous," Michael admitted.
"Did you, did you used to cut? When you were nervous I mean?"
"Yeah," Michael said with a laugh, "Nervous, anxious, angry, sad, lonely, anything really. I cut whenever I felt, because it was so overwhelming to feel,"
"What about when you didn't feel?"
"When I was numb?" Ashton nodded. "Then I cut because I wanted to feel pain. I always found a reason. Wanted to feel, stop feeling, calm my head, breathe for a moment. For everything,"
"Michael," Ashton wasn't exactly sure how to translate his thoughts into coherent sentences. "There, there are only four of us. And I know that four is such a small number. But four is more than three and more than two and more than one. And, Michael, four is more than zero. Does that make sense? I know that there are only four of us, but we love you and care for you more than anyone else has ever cared for another person. And I think that has to count for something. And I know that you probably want more than four, but four is the only number with the same amount of letters as it's worth? That means, to me at least, that anything above four when it comes to friends. Is fake. Quality over quantity right?"
Ashton glanced over to see Michael swatting at tears.
"Four is more than enough, Ashton. But it's hard when you don't even think you deserve zero," Michael told him.
"We'll stick by you, Mike. Every step to recovery," Ashton muttered as they pulled into the parking lot and he turned off the car. "Starting, with getting those stitches out,"
Michael laughed and followed Ashton out of the car and into the building.
They waited in the reception area for Michael's name to be called joking under their breath and snickering quietly. More than once they were complained about, but since Michael was a patient they couldn't just throw him out.
Eventually a nurse called his name and he followed him into a small office where he was instructed to remove his sweater. Michael obeyed and tried his best not to pay attention to anything.
He was dimly aware of slight pain in his side, but before long he was being told he could leave. When he met up with Ashton by the car he wasn't surprized to see a paper in his hands containing a list of what he needed to get done.
"How long are we looking at?" Michael asked gazing at the sheet.
"Few hours tops," Ashton told him. "First stop, pharmacy,"
Turns out Ashton had three prescriptions to fill. Michael sat waiting in a chair while Ashton gave the lady all three. He sat next to Michael and they waited for her to fill each one appropriately. As they were waiting it occurred to Michael that it was his birthday and his heart - if possible - sunk a little lower. He knew they all knew because of his medical forms, but not a single person had bothered to remember or to say happy birthday if they did.
Once the prescriptions were filled Ashton asked Michael to wait at the register with the woman as he searched for something for his mum. Around two hours after they arrived, Ashton and Michael were back in the car heading to the mall and Michael decided that, that was the longest he'd ever been in a pharmacy.
Ashton killed another hour wandering around a few shops looking for things for his brother and sister, and Michael trailed after him, practically begging him to take him home to Luke.
"I'm hungry. You hungry, Mike?"
"No. Can we please go? You can eat at Luke's,"
"Not yet. I still have some stuff to do, but first I am craving some Chinese food. You sure you don't want anything,"
Michael was either about to scream or burst into tears, so he simply shook his head. It took Ashton half an hour to decide what to order and nearly an hour to eat. If Michael had been paying attention he would have noticed the older boy constantly checking his phone for the time and realized something was up. But all he could focus on was Luke.
"Ashton, come on! I want to go home to Luke!" Michael exclaimed.
Ashton had to try extremely hard not to laugh. "Hang on, Mike. Just a few more stops,"
Michael groaned, "You said that four hours ago,"
"Has it really been that long?"
"Ashton it's five O'clock," Michael snapped. "It's been seven hours. Now can we please go home?"
Ashton deliberated for a while, but he finally agreed. He could do everything else later.
Michael nearly cried tears of happiness when hearing he could finally get back to Luke and he practically bounced to the car dragging Ashton along by the elbow.
Michael could have sworn Ashton was purposely taking the longest route home he could possibly take. At one point they were actually driving away from Luke's house, but Michael couldn't be bothered since they were finally on their way.
When they pulled up Michael jumped out, "Should I just-" but Ashton stopped talking and closed the door simply joining Michael as he walked in.
Ashton grinned and shouted surprise along with the other three as Michael jaw hung wide open.
Nobody had ever done this for him before. Nobody had ever cared enough to remember his birthday before. So Michael started crying.
Calum and Ashton understood, but were still upset to see his tears. Liz stood with tears of her own burning her eyes, but Luke. Luke ran over and hugged Michael as tightly as he could, because he knew all too well what was going through Michael's mind. He had comforted the boy too many times for him to not understand it.
"Happy birthday, kitten," Luke whispered. "And in case you were wondering, it was worth every second to set this up for you. You are so worth it all Michael. I love you,"
"I love you. Forever, ever, Luke. Thank you,"
"Anything for you,"
"I ship Muke harder than a rock," Ashton muttered.
Calum laughed and Michael shook his head.
"Not this again," Michael muttered.
Luke laughed and rubbed Michael's back. "The Muke ship is sailing, baby. There's no taking her back now,"
"Damn. I wanted a full return" Michael teased.
"Did you now?"
"Mhmm,"
Luke shook his head chuckling and kissed Michael's nose.
"Cake time!" Liz called.
Michael laughed at the reaction those words brought from the other three boys, but felt a little nauseated himself. He made his wish and blew out the candles as was tradition to do on your birthday, apparently. Liz made him cut the first piece for himself, and he cut it as small as he could without raising suspicion.
Liz's piece was fairly small but still larger than Michael's, but the other three went full out. He was surprized that Ashton could even think about eating after the Chinese food, but then again he and Ashton were two very different people.
"So I told them you didn't like gifts," Luke began sitting next to Michael, "But they all got you something anyways,"
"And you're trying to say you didn't?"
"Well of course I did. But I'm your boyfriend, you don't have a say in the matter,"
Michael raised his eyebrow. "And if I never open it?"
"No more kisses for you,"
Michael laughed and took advantage of the good mood to force down a good half ,of his cake slice.
"Oh, oh, we're halfway there," Luke sung in his ear softly.
"Oh, oh, we're living on a prayer," Michael continued where Luke left off.
"I knew I loved you for a reason," Luke joked.
Michael gasped, "I think it's you who should be worried about no kisses,"
"Who are you going to kiss instead?"
Michael looked around at Ashton and Calum, "I'll find someone,"
Luke laughed and kissed Michael softly the smaller boy responding instantly. He wanted as much of this as he could get before he let go. But hadn't he already done that in a way?
Michael had given up on himself. He had let himself go, he was only there for Luke's sake, but he knew that within days...that wouldn't matter anymore. He had given himself a list, and he had finished it. He was more than ready to leave. And he was happy to be going.
"Presents!" Calum cheered.
Michael groaned as Luke dragged him over to the couch after he finished his cake.
"Do I have to?" Michael asked.
Luke and Liz laughed as Ashton and Calum stared blankly at him, "Um, yeah. Sort of a mandatory thing around here," Ashton commented.
Michael sighed and sat down waiting. Calum rushed over and placed a small package in his hands. Michael cautiously peeled off the tape and unfolded the wrapping paper. To reveal more wrapping paper.
"Every year, Calum," Luke groaned.
Michael laughed and peeled off several more layers of wrapping paper before revealing two CD's of his favourite band. Michael smiled up at Calum and hugged him briefly before placing them cautiously to the side.
Ashton had gotten him a blue shirt as a bit of a joke along with a black sweatshirt and some of Michael's favourite candies.
To some people the gifts may have seemed mediocre, but to Michael who had never received anything on his birthday. It was as if they were giving him the stars.
Liz's gift caused the waterworks to start, but Michael refused to let the tears fall. There were three small bottles in his hand coming from the pharmacy bag he and Ashton had waited two hours for earlier. Antipsychotics, antidepressants and mood stabilizers. He knew they would not make any difference. Not in the slightest. They would make him feel numb which to him is worse. But he was beyond grateful for the gesture.
Luke didn't give him anything and Michael felt the confusion set in. The blonde had said that he'd gotten Michael something. Michael ignored it however and continued to joke around with the others.
When Calum and Ashton left Liz headed to do the dishes and before Michael could offer to help he was being pulled upstairs by Luke. "What are you doing?" Michael asked completely taken off guard.
"I would like to give you your present now," Luke told him with a wide smile on his face.
Michael was confused, but he followed Luke willingly into his room and sat, as instructed, on the bed, waiting for the blonde to return. Michael's eyes widened slightly when Luke came back in with a large box. "Luke," Michael whined.
"Michael," Luke mimicked. "Open it," he urged the boy placing it on the boy's lap.
Michael almost wanted to refuse, but remembering Luke's warning about no more kisses he began unwrapping the gift. He tried guessing what it was. The box was shaped almost like two Mars bars next to each other. He couldn't figure it out. "What is it?" Michael asked pausing while trying to take off a large piece of tape.
"Open it, Mikey," Luke laughed.
Michael rolled his eyes and took off the rest of the wrapping paper to reveal an unfamiliar Build-A-Bear box. There was an envelope taped to it and Michael gently pulled it off and slid it open.
To: my Mikey,
For you to hold when I'm not around. For you to sleep with when the bed is otherwise empty. For you to cuddle with when you're lonely and when you're sad. And most importantly. So that it can love you when I'm not there to let you know how much I love you.
Forever, ever,
Your Lukey
Michael could not hold back his tears this time. They spilled over and rolled down his cheeks. He opened the box carefully and removed the blonde teddy bear from its confines.
"What are you naming it?" Luke asked softly wiping Michael's tears with his thumb.
Michael shrugged. He had wanted to name it Luke after the blonde who had given it to him.
"Is Luke too cheesy?" Michael whispered.
The blonde blushed faintly and shrugged, "I dunno," he muttered sheepishly.
Michael smiled and shrugged. "I'm still thinking about it," he concluded.
Luke smiled and hugged Michael resulting in him straddling the smaller boy, but no complaints were heard except for Michael saying Luke was squishing his bear.
"Shut up, Mikey,"
"Why don't you make me?"
"I will,"
And Luke's lips were against Michael's and they moved together in synchronization. Luke moved the teddy bear and Michael squealed when he tossed him carelessly on the floor, but Luke was kissing him again before he had any real chance to protest.
If Michael wasn't so broken maybe it could have lasted longer, but when he winced because his freshly removed stitches wound hurt, Luke hopped up and pulled him back downstairs Michael grabbing the stuffed animal on the way out.
Liz smiled at the two fondly as they settled down entwined on the couch to watch some of their favourite movies. And she thought everything was perfect. And maybe everything was in that moment because they were all happy. But Michael was still wanting to die, only by then he knew he was just waiting for the right time, and something was telling him to wait a little longer. Just a little.
By the end of the night Michael had decided on two things. The first was the teddy bears name. He would call it Robert. It was Luke's middle name, and when Michael looked at the bear it just seemed fitting. The second was his date of death, or date of suicide if you wish. November 22nd. Just two more days. He saw no point in extending it and prolonging his own torture, but he wanted one last day with Luke. Just one more day with Luke.
And Michael fell asleep in Luke's arms clinging to Robert with the number 22 flashing in his mind. And he was happy, because it would all be over soon, but he was sad because that meant losing the few good things he had recently accumulated.
�j*��ߪDx�"I try not to laugh. Stitches aren't going to help. They fix skin, cuts, wounds, heal stuff on the outside. Everything broken with me is on the inside,"
~Jessica Sorensen
Within two days Michael finds himself sitting waiting for Luke only when the blonde comes he has to offer a smile.
"My mum's making me do some stuff, but I gave Ash a call and he'll be here any second to take you to get the stitches out,"
Michael tries not to look disappointed. It's not that he doesn't like Ashton, but the boy likes to get everything done in one shot. Michael knows that with Ashton getting his stitches out is a task that could take the rest of the day.
As if on cue there was a knock on the door and Michael gave Luke a quick kiss before opening it to see Ashton grinning at him. "Hey, Ash," Michael greeted.
"Hey, I hope you don't mind, but I've got a handful of errands to run today and I won't be able to squeeze in getting you home till later on," Ashton said apologetically.
"No problem," Michael told him closing the door and following him out to the car. Because it wasn't really a problem. Michael would rather spend time with Ashton then alone, but he knew Luke would be waiting at home and he'd definitely rather Luke.
Ashton climbed into the driver's seat and Michael slid into the passenger's seat next to him, his fingers pressing against the healed cut on his side.
"Hey, what are you doing, Mike?" Ashton asked pulling Michael's arm away from where he could grab at it.
"Sorry. I'm really nervous," Michael admitted.
"Did you, did you used to cut? When you were nervous I mean?"
"Yeah," Michael said with a laugh, "Nervous, anxious, angry, sad, lonely, anything really. I cut whenever I felt, because it was so overwhelming to feel,"
"What about when you didn't feel?"
"When I was numb?" Ashton nodded. "Then I cut because I wanted to feel pain. I always found a reason. Wanted to feel, stop feeling, calm my head, breathe for a moment. For everything,"
"Michael," Ashton wasn't exactly sure how to translate his thoughts into coherent sentences. "There, there are only four of us. And I know that four is such a small number. But four is more than three and more than two and more than one. And, Michael, four is more than zero. Does that make sense? I know that there are only four of us, but we love you and care for you more than anyone else has ever cared for another person. And I think that has to count for something. And I know that you probably want more than four, but four is the only number with the same amount of letters as it's worth? That means, to me at least, that anything above four when it comes to friends. Is fake. Quality over quantity right?"
Ashton glanced over to see Michael swatting at tears.
"Four is more than enough, Ashton. But it's hard when you don't even think you deserve zero," Michael told him.
"We'll stick by you, Mike. Every step to recovery," Ashton muttered as they pulled into the parking lot and he turned off the car. "Starting, with getting those stitches out,"
Michael laughed and followed Ashton out of the car and into the building.
They waited in the reception area for Michael's name to be called joking under their breath and snickering quietly. More than once they were complained about, but since Michael was a patient they couldn't just throw him out.
Eventually a nurse called his name and he followed him into a small office where he was instructed to remove his sweater. Michael obeyed and tried his best not to pay attention to anything.
He was dimly aware of slight pain in his side, but before long he was being told he could leave. When he met up with Ashton by the car he wasn't surprized to see a paper in his hands containing a list of what he needed to get done.
"How long are we looking at?" Michael asked gazing at the sheet.
"Few hours tops," Ashton told him. "First stop, pharmacy,"
Turns out Ashton had three prescriptions to fill. Michael sat waiting in a chair while Ashton gave the lady all three. He sat next to Michael and they waited for her to fill each one appropriately. As they were waiting it occurred to Michael that it was his birthday and his heart - if possible - sunk a little lower. He knew they all knew because of his medical forms, but not a single person had bothered to remember or to say happy birthday if they did.
Once the prescriptions were filled Ashton asked Michael to wait at the register with the woman as he searched for something for his mum. Around two hours after they arrived, Ashton and Michael were back in the car heading to the mall and Michael decided that, that was the longest he'd ever been in a pharmacy.
Ashton killed another hour wandering around a few shops looking for things for his brother and sister, and Michael trailed after him, practically begging him to take him home to Luke.
"I'm hungry. You hungry, Mike?"
"No. Can we please go? You can eat at Luke's,"
"Not yet. I still have some stuff to do, but first I am craving some Chinese food. You sure you don't want anything,"
Michael was either about to scream or burst into tears, so he simply shook his head. It took Ashton half an hour to decide what to order and nearly an hour to eat. If Michael had been paying attention he would have noticed the older boy constantly checking his phone for the time and realized something was up. But all he could focus on was Luke.
"Ashton, come on! I want to go home to Luke!" Michael exclaimed.
Ashton had to try extremely hard not to laugh. "Hang on, Mike. Just a few more stops,"
Michael groaned, "You said that four hours ago,"
"Has it really been that long?"
"Ashton it's five O'clock," Michael snapped. "It's been seven hours. Now can we please go home?"
Ashton deliberated for a while, but he finally agreed. He could do everything else later.
Michael nearly cried tears of happiness when hearing he could finally get back to Luke and he practically bounced to the car dragging Ashton along by the elbow.
Michael could have sworn Ashton was purposely taking the longest route home he could possibly take. At one point they were actually driving away from Luke's house, but Michael couldn't be bothered since they were finally on their way.
When they pulled up Michael jumped out, "Should I just-" but Ashton stopped talking and closed the door simply joining Michael as he walked in.
Ashton grinned and shouted surprise along with the other three as Michael jaw hung wide open.
Nobody had ever done this for him before. Nobody had ever cared enough to remember his birthday before. So Michael started crying.
Calum and Ashton understood, but were still upset to see his tears. Liz stood with tears of her own burning her eyes, but Luke. Luke ran over and hugged Michael as tightly as he could, because he knew all too well what was going through Michael's mind. He had comforted the boy too many times for him to not understand it.
"Happy birthday, kitten," Luke whispered. "And in case you were wondering, it was worth every second to set this up for you. You are so worth it all Michael. I love you,"
"I love you. Forever, ever, Luke. Thank you,"
"Anything for you,"
"I ship Muke harder than a rock," Ashton muttered.
Calum laughed and Michael shook his head.
"Not this again," Michael muttered.
Luke laughed and rubbed Michael's back. "The Muke ship is sailing, baby. There's no taking her back now,"
"Damn. I wanted a full return" Michael teased.
"Did you now?"
"Mhmm,"
Luke shook his head chuckling and kissed Michael's nose.
"Cake time!" Liz called.
Michael laughed at the reaction those words brought from the other three boys, but felt a little nauseated himself. He made his wish and blew out the candles as was tradition to do on your birthday, apparently. Liz made him cut the first piece for himself, and he cut it as small as he could without raising suspicion.
Liz's piece was fairly small but still larger than Michael's, but the other three went full out. He was surprized that Ashton could even think about eating after the Chinese food, but then again he and Ashton were two very different people.
"So I told them you didn't like gifts," Luke began sitting next to Michael, "But they all got you something anyways,"
"And you're trying to say you didn't?"
"Well of course I did. But I'm your boyfriend, you don't have a say in the matter,"
Michael raised his eyebrow. "And if I never open it?"
"No more kisses for you,"
Michael laughed and took advantage of the good mood to force down a good half ,of his cake slice.
"Oh, oh, we're halfway there," Luke sung in his ear softly.
"Oh, oh, we're living on a prayer," Michael continued where Luke left off.
"I knew I loved you for a reason," Luke joked.
Michael gasped, "I think it's you who should be worried about no kisses,"
"Who are you going to kiss instead?"
Michael looked around at Ashton and Calum, "I'll find someone,"
Luke laughed and kissed Michael softly the smaller boy responding instantly. He wanted as much of this as he could get before he let go. But hadn't he already done that in a way?
Michael had given up on himself. He had let himself go, he was only there for Luke's sake, but he knew that within days...that wouldn't matter anymore. He had given himself a list, and he had finished it. He was more than ready to leave. And he was happy to be going.
"Presents!" Calum cheered.
Michael groaned as Luke dragged him over to the couch after he finished his cake.
"Do I have to?" Michael asked.
Luke and Liz laughed as Ashton and Calum stared blankly at him, "Um, yeah. Sort of a mandatory thing around here," Ashton commented.
Michael sighed and sat down waiting. Calum rushed over and placed a small package in his hands. Michael cautiously peeled off the tape and unfolded the wrapping paper. To reveal more wrapping paper.
"Every year, Calum," Luke groaned.
Michael laughed and peeled off several more layers of wrapping paper before revealing two CD's of his favourite band. Michael smiled up at Calum and hugged him briefly before placing them cautiously to the side.
Ashton had gotten him a blue shirt as a bit of a joke along with a black sweatshirt and some of Michael's favourite candies.
To some people the gifts may have seemed mediocre, but to Michael who had never received anything on his birthday. It was as if they were giving him the stars.
Liz's gift caused the waterworks to start, but Michael refused to let the tears fall. There were three small bottles in his hand coming from the pharmacy bag he and Ashton had waited two hours for earlier. Antipsychotics, antidepressants and mood stabilizers. He knew they would not make any difference. Not in the slightest. They would make him feel numb which to him is worse. But he was beyond grateful for the gesture.
Luke didn't give him anything and Michael felt the confusion set in. The blonde had said that he'd gotten Michael something. Michael ignored it however and continued to joke around with the others.
When Calum and Ashton left Liz headed to do the dishes and before Michael could offer to help he was being pulled upstairs by Luke. "What are you doing?" Michael asked completely taken off guard.
"I would like to give you your present now," Luke told him with a wide smile on his face.
Michael was confused, but he followed Luke willingly into his room and sat, as instructed, on the bed, waiting for the blonde to return. Michael's eyes widened slightly when Luke came back in with a large box. "Luke," Michael whined.
"Michael," Luke mimicked. "Open it," he urged the boy placing it on the boy's lap.
Michael almost wanted to refuse, but remembering Luke's warning about no more kisses he began unwrapping the gift. He tried guessing what it was. The box was shaped almost like two Mars bars next to each other. He couldn't figure it out. "What is it?" Michael asked pausing while trying to take off a large piece of tape.
"Open it, Mikey," Luke laughed.
Michael rolled his eyes and took off the rest of the wrapping paper to reveal an unfamiliar Build-A-Bear box. There was an envelope taped to it and Michael gently pulled it off and slid it open.
To: my Mikey,
For you to hold when I'm not around. For you to sleep with when the bed is otherwise empty. For you to cuddle with when you're lonely and when you're sad. And most importantly. So that it can love you when I'm not there to let you know how much I love you.
Forever, ever,
Your Lukey
Michael could not hold back his tears this time. They spilled over and rolled down his cheeks. He opened the box carefully and removed the blonde teddy bear from its confines.
"What are you naming it?" Luke asked softly wiping Michael's tears with his thumb.
Michael shrugged. He had wanted to name it Luke after the blonde who had given it to him.
"Is Luke too cheesy?" Michael whispered.
The blonde blushed faintly and shrugged, "I dunno," he muttered sheepishly.
Michael smiled and shrugged. "I'm still thinking about it," he concluded.
Luke smiled and hugged Michael resulting in him straddling the smaller boy, but no complaints were heard except for Michael saying Luke was squishing his bear.
"Shut up, Mikey,"
"Why don't you make me?"
"I will,"
And Luke's lips were against Michael's and they moved together in synchronization. Luke moved the teddy bear and Michael squealed when he tossed him carelessly on the floor, but Luke was kissing him again before he had any real chance to protest.
If Michael wasn't so broken maybe it could have lasted longer, but when he winced because his freshly removed stitches wound hurt, Luke hopped up and pulled him back downstairs Michael grabbing the stuffed animal on the way out.
Liz smiled at the two fondly as they settled down entwined on the couch to watch some of their favourite movies. And she thought everything was perfect. And maybe everything was in that moment because they were all happy. But Michael was still wanting to die, only by then he knew he was just waiting for the right time, and something was telling him to wait a little longer. Just a little.
By the end of the night Michael had decided on two things. The first was the teddy bears name. He would call it Robert. It was Luke's middle name, and when Michael looked at the bear it just seemed fitting. The second was his date of death, or date of suicide if you wish. November 22nd. Just two more days. He saw no point in extending it and prolonging his own torture, but he wanted one last day with Luke. Just one more day with Luke.
And Michael fell asleep in Luke's arms clinging to Robert with the number 22 flashing in his mind. And he was happy, because it would all be over soon, but he was sad because that meant losing the few good things he had recently accumulated.
�j*��ߪDx�"I try not to laugh. Stitches aren't going to help. They fix skin, cuts, wounds, heal stuff on the outside. Everything broken with me is on the inside,"
~Jessica Sorensen
Within two days Michael finds himself sitting waiting for Luke only when the blonde comes he has to offer a smile.
"My mum's making me do some stuff, but I gave Ash a call and he'll be here any second to take you to get the stitches out,"
Michael tries not to look disappointed. It's not that he doesn't like Ashton, but the boy likes to get everything done in one shot. Michael knows that with Ashton getting his stitches out is a task that could take the rest of the day.
As if on cue there was a knock on the door and Michael gave Luke a quick kiss before opening it to see Ashton grinning at him. "Hey, Ash," Michael greeted.
"Hey, I hope you don't mind, but I've got a handful of errands to run today and I won't be able to squeeze in getting you home till later on," Ashton said apologetically.
"No problem," Michael told him closing the door and following him out to the car. Because it wasn't really a problem. Michael would rather spend time with Ashton then alone, but he knew Luke would be waiting at home and he'd definitely rather Luke.
Ashton climbed into the driver's seat and Michael slid into the passenger's seat next to him, his fingers pressing against the healed cut on his side.
"Hey, what are you doing, Mike?" Ashton asked pulling Michael's arm away from where he could grab at it.
"Sorry. I'm really nervous," Michael admitted.
"Did you, did you used to cut? When you were nervous I mean?"
"Yeah," Michael said with a laugh, "Nervous, anxious, angry, sad, lonely, anything really. I cut whenever I felt, because it was so overwhelming to feel,"
"What about when you didn't feel?"
"When I was numb?" Ashton nodded. "Then I cut because I wanted to feel pain. I always found a reason. Wanted to feel, stop feeling, calm my head, breathe for a moment. For everything,"
"Michael," Ashton wasn't exactly sure how to translate his thoughts into coherent sentences. "There, there are only four of us. And I know that four is such a small number. But four is more than three and more than two and more than one. And, Michael, four is more than zero. Does that make sense? I know that there are only four of us, but we love you and care for you more than anyone else has ever cared for another person. And I think that has to count for something. And I know that you probably want more than four, but four is the only number with the same amount of letters as it's worth? That means, to me at least, that anything above four when it comes to friends. Is fake. Quality over quantity right?"
Ashton glanced over to see Michael swatting at tears.
"Four is more than enough, Ashton. But it's hard when you don't even think you deserve zero," Michael told him.
"We'll stick by you, Mike. Every step to recovery," Ashton muttered as they pulled into the parking lot and he turned off the car. "Starting, with getting those stitches out,"
Michael laughed and followed Ashton out of the car and into the building.
They waited in the reception area for Michael's name to be called joking under their breath and snickering quietly. More than once they were complained about, but since Michael was a patient they couldn't just throw him out.
Eventually a nurse called his name and he followed him into a small office where he was instructed to remove his sweater. Michael obeyed and tried his best not to pay attention to anything.
He was dimly aware of slight pain in his side, but before long he was being told he could leave. When he met up with Ashton by the car he wasn't surprized to see a paper in his hands containing a list of what he needed to get done.
"How long are we looking at?" Michael asked gazing at the sheet.
"Few hours tops," Ashton told him. "First stop, pharmacy,"
Turns out Ashton had three prescriptions to fill. Michael sat waiting in a chair while Ashton gave the lady all three. He sat next to Michael and they waited for her to fill each one appropriately. As they were waiting it occurred to Michael that it was his birthday and his heart - if possible - sunk a little lower. He knew they all knew because of his medical forms, but not a single person had bothered to remember or to say happy birthday if they did.
Once the prescriptions were filled Ashton asked Michael to wait at the register with the woman as he searched for something for his mum. Around two hours after they arrived, Ashton and Michael were back in the car heading to the mall and Michael decided that, that was the longest he'd ever been in a pharmacy.
Ashton killed another hour wandering around a few shops looking for things for his brother and sister, and Michael trailed after him, practically begging him to take him home to Luke.
"I'm hungry. You hungry, Mike?"
"No. Can we please go? You can eat at Luke's,"
"Not yet. I still have some stuff to do, but first I am craving some Chinese food. You sure you don't want anything,"
Michael was either about to scream or burst into tears, so he simply shook his head. It took Ashton half an hour to decide what to order and nearly an hour to eat. If Michael had been paying attention he would have noticed the older boy constantly checking his phone for the time and realized something was up. But all he could focus on was Luke.
"Ashton, come on! I want to go home to Luke!" Michael exclaimed.
Ashton had to try extremely hard not to laugh. "Hang on, Mike. Just a few more stops,"
Michael groaned, "You said that four hours ago,"
"Has it really been that long?"
"Ashton it's five O'clock," Michael snapped. "It's been seven hours. Now can we please go home?"
Ashton deliberated for a while, but he finally agreed. He could do everything else later.
Michael nearly cried tears of happiness when hearing he could finally get back to Luke and he practically bounced to the car dragging Ashton along by the elbow.
Michael could have sworn Ashton was purposely taking the longest route home he could possibly take. At one point they were actually driving away from Luke's house, but Michael couldn't be bothered since they were finally on their way.
When they pulled up Michael jumped out, "Should I just-" but Ashton stopped talking and closed the door simply joining Michael as he walked in.
Ashton grinned and shouted surprise along with the other three as Michael jaw hung wide open.
Nobody had ever done this for him before. Nobody had ever cared enough to remember his birthday before. So Michael started crying.
Calum and Ashton understood, but were still upset to see his tears. Liz stood with tears of her own burning her eyes, but Luke. Luke ran over and hugged Michael as tightly as he could, because he knew all too well what was going through Michael's mind. He had comforted the boy too many times for him to not understand it.
"Happy birthday, kitten," Luke whispered. "And in case you were wondering, it was worth every second to set this up for you. You are so worth it all Michael. I love you,"
"I love you. Forever, ever, Luke. Thank you,"
"Anything for you,"
"I ship Muke harder than a rock," Ashton muttered.
Calum laughed and Michael shook his head.
"Not this again," Michael muttered.
Luke laughed and rubbed Michael's back. "The Muke ship is sailing, baby. There's no taking her back now,"
"Damn. I wanted a full return" Michael teased.
"Did you now?"
"Mhmm,"
Luke shook his head chuckling and kissed Michael's nose.
"Cake time!" Liz called.
Michael laughed at the reaction those words brought from the other three boys, but felt a little nauseated himself. He made his wish and blew out the candles as was tradition to do on your birthday, apparently. Liz made him cut the first piece for himself, and he cut it as small as he could without raising suspicion.
Liz's piece was fairly small but still larger than Michael's, but the other three went full out. He was surprized that Ashton could even think about eating after the Chinese food, but then again he and Ashton were two very different people.
"So I told them you didn't like gifts," Luke began sitting next to Michael, "But they all got you something anyways,"
"And you're trying to say you didn't?"
"Well of course I did. But I'm your boyfriend, you don't have a say in the matter,"
Michael raised his eyebrow. "And if I never open it?"
"No more kisses for you,"
Michael laughed and took advantage of the good mood to force down a good half ,of his cake slice.
"Oh, oh, we're halfway there," Luke sung in his ear softly.
"Oh, oh, we're living on a prayer," Michael continued where Luke left off.
"I knew I loved you for a reason," Luke joked.
Michael gasped, "I think it's you who should be worried about no kisses,"
"Who are you going to kiss instead?"
Michael looked around at Ashton and Calum, "I'll find someone,"
Luke laughed and kissed Michael softly the smaller boy responding instantly. He wanted as much of this as he could get before he let go. But hadn't he already done that in a way?
Michael had given up on himself. He had let himself go, he was only there for Luke's sake, but he knew that within days...that wouldn't matter anymore. He had given himself a list, and he had finished it. He was more than ready to leave. And he was happy to be going.
"Presents!" Calum cheered.
Michael groaned as Luke dragged him over to the couch after he finished his cake.
"Do I have to?" Michael asked.
Luke and Liz laughed as Ashton and Calum stared blankly at him, "Um, yeah. Sort of a mandatory thing around here," Ashton commented.
Michael sighed and sat down waiting. Calum rushed over and placed a small package in his hands. Michael cautiously peeled off the tape and unfolded the wrapping paper. To reveal more wrapping paper.
"Every year, Calum," Luke groaned.
Michael laughed and peeled off several more layers of wrapping paper before revealing two CD's of his favourite band. Michael smiled up at Calum and hugged him briefly before placing them cautiously to the side.
Ashton had gotten him a blue shirt as a bit of a joke along with a black sweatshirt and some of Michael's favourite candies.
To some people the gifts may have seemed mediocre, but to Michael who had never received anything on his birthday. It was as if they were giving him the stars.
Liz's gift caused the waterworks to start, but Michael refused to let the tears fall. There were three small bottles in his hand coming from the pharmacy bag he and Ashton had waited two hours for earlier. Antipsychotics, antidepressants and mood stabilizers. He knew they would not make any difference. Not in the slightest. They would make him feel numb which to him is worse. But he was beyond grateful for the gesture.
Luke didn't give him anything and Michael felt the confusion set in. The blonde had said that he'd gotten Michael something. Michael ignored it however and continued to joke around with the others.
When Calum and Ashton left Liz headed to do the dishes and before Michael could offer to help he was being pulled upstairs by Luke. "What are you doing?" Michael asked completely taken off guard.
"I would like to give you your present now," Luke told him with a wide smile on his face.
Michael was confused, but he followed Luke willingly into his room and sat, as instructed, on the bed, waiting for the blonde to return. Michael's eyes widened slightly when Luke came back in with a large box. "Luke," Michael whined.
"Michael," Luke mimicked. "Open it," he urged the boy placing it on the boy's lap.
Michael almost wanted to refuse, but remembering Luke's warning about no more kisses he began unwrapping the gift. He tried guessing what it was. The box was shaped almost like two Mars bars next to each other. He couldn't figure it out. "What is it?" Michael asked pausing while trying to take off a large piece of tape.
"Open it, Mikey," Luke laughed.
Michael rolled his eyes and took off the rest of the wrapping paper to reveal an unfamiliar Build-A-Bear box. There was an envelope taped to it and Michael gently pulled it off and slid it open.
To: my Mikey,
For you to hold when I'm not around. For you to sleep with when the bed is otherwise empty. For you to cuddle with when you're lonely and when you're sad. And most importantly. So that it can love you when I'm not there to let you know how much I love you.
Forever, ever,
Your Lukey
Michael could not hold back his tears this time. They spilled over and rolled down his cheeks. He opened the box carefully and removed the blonde teddy bear from its confines.
"What are you naming it?" Luke asked softly wiping Michael's tears with his thumb.
Michael shrugged. He had wanted to name it Luke after the blonde who had given it to him.
"Is Luke too cheesy?" Michael whispered.
The blonde blushed faintly and shrugged, "I dunno," he muttered sheepishly.
Michael smiled and shrugged. "I'm still thinking about it," he concluded.
Luke smiled and hugged Michael resulting in him straddling the smaller boy, but no complaints were heard except for Michael saying Luke was squishing his bear.
"Shut up, Mikey,"
"Why don't you make me?"
"I will,"
And Luke's lips were against Michael's and they moved together in synchronization. Luke moved the teddy bear and Michael squealed when he tossed him carelessly on the floor, but Luke was kissing him again before he had any real chance to protest.
If Michael wasn't so broken maybe it could have lasted longer, but when he winced because his freshly removed stitches wound hurt, Luke hopped up and pulled him back downstairs Michael grabbing the stuffed animal on the way out.
Liz smiled at the two fondly as they settled down entwined on the couch to watch some of their favourite movies. And she thought everything was perfect. And maybe everything was in that moment because they were all happy. But Michael was still wanting to die, only by then he knew he was just waiting for the right time, and something was telling him to wait a little longer. Just a little.
By the end of the night Michael had decided on two things. The first was the teddy bears name. He would call it Robert. It was Luke's middle name, and when Michael looked at the bear it just seemed fitting. The second was his date of death, or date of suicide if you wish. November 22nd. Just two more days. He saw no point in extending it and prolonging his own torture, but he wanted one last day with Luke. Just one more day with Luke.
And Michael fell asleep in Luke's arms clinging to Robert with the number 22 flashing in his mind. And he was happy, because it would all be over soon, but he was sad because that meant losing the few good things he had recently accumulated.
�j*��ߪDx�"I try not to laugh. Stitches aren't going to help. They fix skin, cuts, wounds, heal stuff on the outside. Everything broken with me is on the inside,"
~Jessica Sorensen
Within two days Michael finds himself sitting waiting for Luke only when the blonde comes he has to offer a smile.
"My mum's making me do some stuff, but I gave Ash a call and he'll be here any second to take you to get the stitches out,"
Michael tries not to look disappointed. It's not that he doesn't like Ashton, but the boy likes to get everything done in one shot. Michael knows that with Ashton getting his stitches out is a task that could take the rest of the day.
As if on cue there was a knock on the door and Michael gave Luke a quick kiss before opening it to see Ashton grinning at him. "Hey, Ash," Michael greeted.
"Hey, I hope you don't mind, but I've got a handful of errands to run today and I won't be able to squeeze in getting you home till later on," Ashton said apologetically.
"No problem," Michael told him closing the door and following him out to the car. Because it wasn't really a problem. Michael would rather spend time with Ashton then alone, but he knew Luke would be waiting at home and he'd definitely rather Luke.
Ashton climbed into the driver's seat and Michael slid into the passenger's seat next to him, his fingers pressing against the healed cut on his side.
"Hey, what are you doing, Mike?" Ashton asked pulling Michael's arm away from where he could grab at it.
"Sorry. I'm really nervous," Michael admitted.
"Did you, did you used to cut? When you were nervous I mean?"
"Yeah," Michael said with a laugh, "Nervous, anxious, angry, sad, lonely, anything really. I cut whenever I felt, because it was so overwhelming to feel,"
"What about when you didn't feel?"
"When I was numb?" Ashton nodded. "Then I cut because I wanted to feel pain. I always found a reason. Wanted to feel, stop feeling, calm my head, breathe for a moment. For everything,"
"Michael," Ashton wasn't exactly sure how to translate his thoughts into coherent sentences. "There, there are only four of us. And I know that four is such a small number. But four is more than three and more than two and more than one. And, Michael, four is more than zero. Does that make sense? I know that there are only four of us, but we love you and care for you more than anyone else has ever cared for another person. And I think that has to count for something. And I know that you probably want more than four, but four is the only number with the same amount of letters as it's worth? That means, to me at least, that anything above four when it comes to friends. Is fake. Quality over quantity right?"
Ashton glanced over to see Michael swatting at tears.
"Four is more than enough, Ashton. But it's hard when you don't even think you deserve zero," Michael told him.
"We'll stick by you, Mike. Every step to recovery," Ashton muttered as they pulled into the parking lot and he turned off the car. "Starting, with getting those stitches out,"
Michael laughed and followed Ashton out of the car and into the building.
They waited in the reception area for Michael's name to be called joking under their breath and snickering quietly. More than once they were complained about, but since Michael was a patient they couldn't just throw him out.
Eventually a nurse called his name and he followed him into a small office where he was instructed to remove his sweater. Michael obeyed and tried his best not to pay attention to anything.
He was dimly aware of slight pain in his side, but before long he was being told he could leave. When he met up with Ashton by the car he wasn't surprized to see a paper in his hands containing a list of what he needed to get done.
"How long are we looking at?" Michael asked gazing at the sheet.
"Few hours tops," Ashton told him. "First stop, pharmacy,"
Turns out Ashton had three prescriptions to fill. Michael sat waiting in a chair while Ashton gave the lady all three. He sat next to Michael and they waited for her to fill each one appropriately. As they were waiting it occurred to Michael that it was his birthday and his heart - if possible - sunk a little lower. He knew they all knew because of his medical forms, but not a single person had bothered to remember or to say happy birthday if they did.
Once the prescriptions were filled Ashton asked Michael to wait at the register with the woman as he searched for something for his mum. Around two hours after they arrived, Ashton and Michael were back in the car heading to the mall and Michael decided that, that was the longest he'd ever been in a pharmacy.
Ashton killed another hour wandering around a few shops looking for things for his brother and sister, and Michael trailed after him, practically begging him to take him home to Luke.
"I'm hungry. You hungry, Mike?"
"No. Can we please go? You can eat at Luke's,"
"Not yet. I still have some stuff to do, but first I am craving some Chinese food. You sure you don't want anything,"
Michael was either about to scream or burst into tears, so he simply shook his head. It took Ashton half an hour to decide what to order and nearly an hour to eat. If Michael had been paying attention he would have noticed the older boy constantly checking his phone for the time and realized something was up. But all he could focus on was Luke.
"Ashton, come on! I want to go home to Luke!" Michael exclaimed.
Ashton had to try extremely hard not to laugh. "Hang on, Mike. Just a few more stops,"
Michael groaned, "You said that four hours ago,"
"Has it really been that long?"
"Ashton it's five O'clock," Michael snapped. "It's been seven hours. Now can we please go home?"
Ashton deliberated for a while, but he finally agreed. He could do everything else later.
Michael nearly cried tears of happiness when hearing he could finally get back to Luke and he practically bounced to the car dragging Ashton along by the elbow.
Michael could have sworn Ashton was purposely taking the longest route home he could possibly take. At one point they were actually driving away from Luke's house, but Michael couldn't be bothered since they were finally on their way.
When they pulled up Michael jumped out, "Should I just-" but Ashton stopped talking and closed the door simply joining Michael as he walked in.
Ashton grinned and shouted surprise along with the other three as Michael jaw hung wide open.
Nobody had ever done this for him before. Nobody had ever cared enough to remember his birthday before. So Michael started crying.
Calum and Ashton understood, but were still upset to see his tears. Liz stood with tears of her own burning her eyes, but Luke. Luke ran over and hugged Michael as tightly as he could, because he knew all too well what was going through Michael's mind. He had comforted the boy too many times for him to not understand it.
"Happy birthday, kitten," Luke whispered. "And in case you were wondering, it was worth every second to set this up for you. You are so worth it all Michael. I love you,"
"I love you. Forever, ever, Luke. Thank you,"
"Anything for you,"
"I ship Muke harder than a rock," Ashton muttered.
Calum laughed and Michael shook his head.
"Not this again," Michael muttered.
Luke laughed and rubbed Michael's back. "The Muke ship is sailing, baby. There's no taking her back now,"
"Damn. I wanted a full return" Michael teased.
"Did you now?"
"Mhmm,"
Luke shook his head chuckling and kissed Michael's nose.
"Cake time!" Liz called.
Michael laughed at the reaction those words brought from the other three boys, but felt a little nauseated himself. He made his wish and blew out the candles as was tradition to do on your birthday, apparently. Liz made him cut the first piece for himself, and he cut it as small as he could without raising suspicion.
Liz's piece was fairly small but still larger than Michael's, but the other three went full out. He was surprized that Ashton could even think about eating after the Chinese food, but then again he and Ashton were two very different people.
"So I told them you didn't like gifts," Luke began sitting next to Michael, "But they all got you something anyways,"
"And you're trying to say you didn't?"
"Well of course I did. But I'm your boyfriend, you don't have a say in the matter,"
Michael raised his eyebrow. "And if I never open it?"
"No more kisses for you,"
Michael laughed and took advantage of the good mood to force down a good half ,of his cake slice.
"Oh, oh, we're halfway there," Luke sung in his ear softly.
"Oh, oh, we're living on a prayer," Michael continued where Luke left off.
"I knew I loved you for a reason," Luke joked.
Michael gasped, "I think it's you who should be worried about no kisses,"
"Who are you going to kiss instead?"
Michael looked around at Ashton and Calum, "I'll find someone,"
Luke laughed and kissed Michael softly the smaller boy responding instantly. He wanted as much of this as he could get before he let go. But hadn't he already done that in a way?
Michael had given up on himself. He had let himself go, he was only there for Luke's sake, but he knew that within days...that wouldn't matter anymore. He had given himself a list, and he had finished it. He was more than ready to leave. And he was happy to be going.
"Presents!" Calum cheered.
Michael groaned as Luke dragged him over to the couch after he finished his cake.
"Do I have to?" Michael asked.
Luke and Liz laughed as Ashton and Calum stared blankly at him, "Um, yeah. Sort of a mandatory thing around here," Ashton commented.
Michael sighed and sat down waiting. Calum rushed over and placed a small package in his hands. Michael cautiously peeled off the tape and unfolded the wrapping paper. To reveal more wrapping paper.
"Every year, Calum," Luke groaned.
Michael laughed and peeled off several more layers of wrapping paper before revealing two CD's of his favourite band. Michael smiled up at Calum and hugged him briefly before placing them cautiously to the side.
Ashton had gotten him a blue shirt as a bit of a joke along with a black sweatshirt and some of Michael's favourite candies.
To some people the gifts may have seemed mediocre, but to Michael who had never received anything on his birthday. It was as if they were giving him the stars.
Liz's gift caused the waterworks to start, but Michael refused to let the tears fall. There were three small bottles in his hand coming from the pharmacy bag he and Ashton had waited two hours for earlier. Antipsychotics, antidepressants and mood stabilizers. He knew they would not make any difference. Not in the slightest. They would make him feel numb which to him is worse. But he was beyond grateful for the gesture.
Luke didn't give him anything and Michael felt the confusion set in. The blonde had said that he'd gotten Michael something. Michael ignored it however and continued to joke around with the others.
When Calum and Ashton left Liz headed to do the dishes and before Michael could offer to help he was being pulled upstairs by Luke. "What are you doing?" Michael asked completely taken off guard.
"I would like to give you your present now," Luke told him with a wide smile on his face.
Michael was confused, but he followed Luke willingly into his room and sat, as instructed, on the bed, waiting for the blonde to return. Michael's eyes widened slightly when Luke came back in with a large box. "Luke," Michael whined.
"Michael," Luke mimicked. "Open it," he urged the boy placing it on the boy's lap.
Michael almost wanted to refuse, but remembering Luke's warning about no more kisses he began unwrapping the gift. He tried guessing what it was. The box was shaped almost like two Mars bars next to each other. He couldn't figure it out. "What is it?" Michael asked pausing while trying to take off a large piece of tape.
"Open it, Mikey," Luke laughed.
Michael rolled his eyes and took off the rest of the wrapping paper to reveal an unfamiliar Build-A-Bear box. There was an envelope taped to it and Michael gently pulled it off and slid it open.
To: my Mikey,
For you to hold when I'm not around. For you to sleep with when the bed is otherwise empty. For you to cuddle with when you're lonely and when you're sad. And most importantly. So that it can love you when I'm not there to let you know how much I love you.
Forever, ever,
Your Lukey
Michael could not hold back his tears this time. They spilled over and rolled down his cheeks. He opened the box carefully and removed the blonde teddy bear from its confines.
"What are you naming it?" Luke asked softly wiping Michael's tears with his thumb.
Michael shrugged. He had wanted to name it Luke after the blonde who had given it to him.
"Is Luke too cheesy?" Michael whispered.
The blonde blushed faintly and shrugged, "I dunno," he muttered sheepishly.
Michael smiled and shrugged. "I'm still thinking about it," he concluded.
Luke smiled and hugged Michael resulting in him straddling the smaller boy, but no complaints were heard except for Michael saying Luke was squishing his bear.
"Shut up, Mikey,"
"Why don't you make me?"
"I will,"
And Luke's lips were against Michael's and they moved together in synchronization. Luke moved the teddy bear and Michael squealed when he tossed him carelessly on the floor, but Luke was kissing him again before he had any real chance to protest.
If Michael wasn't so broken maybe it could have lasted longer, but when he winced because his freshly removed stitches wound hurt, Luke hopped up and pulled him back downstairs Michael grabbing the stuffed animal on the way out.
Liz smiled at the two fondly as they settled down entwined on the couch to watch some of their favourite movies. And she thought everything was perfect. And maybe everything was in that moment because they were all happy. But Michael was still wanting to die, only by then he knew he was just waiting for the right time, and something was telling him to wait a little longer. Just a little.
By the end of the night Michael had decided on two things. The first was the teddy bears name. He would call it Robert. It was Luke's middle name, and when Michael looked at the bear it just seemed fitting. The second was his date of death, or date of suicide if you wish. November 22nd. Just two more days. He saw no point in extending it and prolonging his own torture, but he wanted one last day with Luke. Just one more day with Luke.
And Michael fell asleep in Luke's arms clinging to Robert with the number 22 flashing in his mind. And he was happy, because it would all be over soon, but he was sad because that meant losing the few good things he had recently accumulated.
�j*��ߪDx�"I try not to laugh. Stitches aren't going to help. They fix skin, cuts, wounds, heal stuff on the outside. Everything broken with me is on the inside,"
~Jessica Sorensen
Within two days Michael finds himself sitting waiting for Luke only when the blonde comes he has to offer a smile.
"My mum's making me do some stuff, but I gave Ash a call and he'll be here any second to take you to get the stitches out,"
Michael tries not to look disappointed. It's not that he doesn't like Ashton, but the boy likes to get everything done in one shot. Michael knows that with Ashton getting his stitches out is a task that could take the rest of the day.
As if on cue there was a knock on the door and Michael gave Luke a quick kiss before opening it to see Ashton grinning at him. "Hey, Ash," Michael greeted.
"Hey, I hope you don't mind, but I've got a handful of errands to run today and I won't be able to squeeze in getting you home till later on," Ashton said apologetically.
"No problem," Michael told him closing the door and following him out to the car. Because it wasn't really a problem. Michael would rather spend time with Ashton then alone, but he knew Luke would be waiting at home and he'd definitely rather Luke.
Ashton climbed into the driver's seat and Michael slid into the passenger's seat next to him, his fingers pressing against the healed cut on his side.
"Hey, what are you doing, Mike?" Ashton asked pulling Michael's arm away from where he could grab at it.
"Sorry. I'm really nervous," Michael admitted.
"Did you, did you used to cut? When you were nervous I mean?"
"Yeah," Michael said with a laugh, "Nervous, anxious, angry, sad, lonely, anything really. I cut whenever I felt, because it was so overwhelming to feel,"
"What about when you didn't feel?"
"When I was numb?" Ashton nodded. "Then I cut because I wanted to feel pain. I always found a reason. Wanted to feel, stop feeling, calm my head, breathe for a moment. For everything,"
"Michael," Ashton wasn't exactly sure how to translate his thoughts into coherent sentences. "There, there are only four of us. And I know that four is such a small number. But four is more than three and more than two and more than one. And, Michael, four is more than zero. Does that make sense? I know that there are only four of us, but we love you and care for you more than anyone else has ever cared for another person. And I think that has to count for something. And I know that you probably want more than four, but four is the only number with the same amount of letters as it's worth? That means, to me at least, that anything above four when it comes to friends. Is fake. Quality over quantity right?"
Ashton glanced over to see Michael swatting at tears.
"Four is more than enough, Ashton. But it's hard when you don't even think you deserve zero," Michael told him.
"We'll stick by you, Mike. Every step to recovery," Ashton muttered as they pulled into the parking lot and he turned off the car. "Starting, with getting those stitches out,"
Michael laughed and followed Ashton out of the car and into the building.
They waited in the reception area for Michael's name to be called joking under their breath and snickering quietly. More than once they were complained about, but since Michael was a patient they couldn't just throw him out.
Eventually a nurse called his name and he followed him into a small office where he was instructed to remove his sweater. Michael obeyed and tried his best not to pay attention to anything.
He was dimly aware of slight pain in his side, but before long he was being told he could leave. When he met up with Ashton by the car he wasn't surprized to see a paper in his hands containing a list of what he needed to get done.
"How long are we looking at?" Michael asked gazing at the sheet.
"Few hours tops," Ashton told him. "First stop, pharmacy,"
Turns out Ashton had three prescriptions to fill. Michael sat waiting in a chair while Ashton gave the lady all three. He sat next to Michael and they waited for her to fill each one appropriately. As they were waiting it occurred to Michael that it was his birthday and his heart - if possible - sunk a little lower. He knew they all knew because of his medical forms, but not a single person had bothered to remember or to say happy birthday if they did.
Once the prescriptions were filled Ashton asked Michael to wait at the register with the woman as he searched for something for his mum. Around two hours after they arrived, Ashton and Michael were back in the car heading to the mall and Michael decided that, that was the longest he'd ever been in a pharmacy.
Ashton killed another hour wandering around a few shops looking for things for his brother and sister, and Michael trailed after him, practically begging him to take him home to Luke.
"I'm hungry. You hungry, Mike?"
"No. Can we please go? You can eat at Luke's,"
"Not yet. I still have some stuff to do, but first I am craving some Chinese food. You sure you don't want anything,"
Michael was either about to scream or burst into tears, so he simply shook his head. It took Ashton half an hour to decide what to order and nearly an hour to eat. If Michael had been paying attention he would have noticed the older boy constantly checking his phone for the time and realized something was up. But all he could focus on was Luke.
"Ashton, come on! I want to go home to Luke!" Michael exclaimed.
Ashton had to try extremely hard not to laugh. "Hang on, Mike. Just a few more stops,"
Michael groaned, "You said that four hours ago,"
"Has it really been that long?"
"Ashton it's five O'clock," Michael snapped. "It's been seven hours. Now can we please go home?"
Ashton deliberated for a while, but he finally agreed. He could do everything else later.
Michael nearly cried tears of happiness when hearing he could finally get back to Luke and he practically bounced to the car dragging Ashton along by the elbow.
Michael could have sworn Ashton was purposely taking the longest route home he could possibly take. At one point they were actually driving away from Luke's house, but Michael couldn't be bothered since they were finally on their way.
When they pulled up Michael jumped out, "Should I just-" but Ashton stopped talking and closed the door simply joining Michael as he walked in.
Ashton grinned and shouted surprise along with the other three as Michael jaw hung wide open.
Nobody had ever done this for him before. Nobody had ever cared enough to remember his birthday before. So Michael started crying.
Calum and Ashton understood, but were still upset to see his tears. Liz stood with tears of her own burning her eyes, but Luke. Luke ran over and hugged Michael as tightly as he could, because he knew all too well what was going through Michael's mind. He had comforted the boy too many times for him to not understand it.
"Happy birthday, kitten," Luke whispered. "And in case you were wondering, it was worth every second to set this up for you. You are so worth it all Michael. I love you,"
"I love you. Forever, ever, Luke. Thank you,"
"Anything for you,"
"I ship Muke harder than a rock," Ashton muttered.
Calum laughed and Michael shook his head.
"Not this again," Michael muttered.
Luke laughed and rubbed Michael's back. "The Muke ship is sailing, baby. There's no taking her back now,"
"Damn. I wanted a full return" Michael teased.
"Did you now?"
"Mhmm,"
Luke shook his head chuckling and kissed Michael's nose.
"Cake time!" Liz called.
Michael laughed at the reaction those words brought from the other three boys, but felt a little nauseated himself. He made his wish and blew out the candles as was tradition to do on your birthday, apparently. Liz made him cut the first piece for himself, and he cut it as small as he could without raising suspicion.
Liz's piece was fairly small but still larger than Michael's, but the other three went full out. He was surprized that Ashton could even think about eating after the Chinese food, but then again he and Ashton were two very different people.
"So I told them you didn't like gifts," Luke began sitting next to Michael, "But they all got you something anyways,"
"And you're trying to say you didn't?"
"Well of course I did. But I'm your boyfriend, you don't have a say in the matter,"
Michael raised his eyebrow. "And if I never open it?"
"No more kisses for you,"
Michael laughed and took advantage of the good mood to force down a good half ,of his cake slice.
"Oh, oh, we're halfway there," Luke sung in his ear softly.
"Oh, oh, we're living on a prayer," Michael continued where Luke left off.
"I knew I loved you for a reason," Luke joked.
Michael gasped, "I think it's you who should be worried about no kisses,"
"Who are you going to kiss instead?"
Michael looked around at Ashton and Calum, "I'll find someone,"
Luke laughed and kissed Michael softly the smaller boy responding instantly. He wanted as much of this as he could get before he let go. But hadn't he already done that in a way?
Michael had given up on himself. He had let himself go, he was only there for Luke's sake, but he knew that within days...that wouldn't matter anymore. He had given himself a list, and he had finished it. He was more than ready to leave. And he was happy to be going.
"Presents!" Calum cheered.
Michael groaned as Luke dragged him over to the couch after he finished his cake.
"Do I have to?" Michael asked.
Luke and Liz laughed as Ashton and Calum stared blankly at him, "Um, yeah. Sort of a mandatory thing around here," Ashton commented.
Michael sighed and sat down waiting. Calum rushed over and placed a small package in his hands. Michael cautiously peeled off the tape and unfolded the wrapping paper. To reveal more wrapping paper.
"Every year, Calum," Luke groaned.
Michael laughed and peeled off several more layers of wrapping paper before revealing two CD's of his favourite band. Michael smiled up at Calum and hugged him briefly before placing them cautiously to the side.
Ashton had gotten him a blue shirt as a bit of a joke along with a black sweatshirt and some of Michael's favourite candies.
To some people the gifts may have seemed mediocre, but to Michael who had never received anything on his birthday. It was as if they were giving him the stars.
Liz's gift caused the waterworks to start, but Michael refused to let the tears fall. There were three small bottles in his hand coming from the pharmacy bag he and Ashton had waited two hours for earlier. Antipsychotics, antidepressants and mood stabilizers. He knew they would not make any difference. Not in the slightest. They would make him feel numb which to him is worse. But he was beyond grateful for the gesture.
Luke didn't give him anything and Michael felt the confusion set in. The blonde had said that he'd gotten Michael something. Michael ignored it however and continued to joke around with the others.
When Calum and Ashton left Liz headed to do the dishes and before Michael could offer to help he was being pulled upstairs by Luke. "What are you doing?" Michael asked completely taken off guard.
"I would like to give you your present now," Luke told him with a wide smile on his face.
Michael was confused, but he followed Luke willingly into his room and sat, as instructed, on the bed, waiting for the blonde to return. Michael's eyes widened slightly when Luke came back in with a large box. "Luke," Michael whined.
"Michael," Luke mimicked. "Open it," he urged the boy placing it on the boy's lap.
Michael almost wanted to refuse, but remembering Luke's warning about no more kisses he began unwrapping the gift. He tried guessing what it was. The box was shaped almost like two Mars bars next to each other. He couldn't figure it out. "What is it?" Michael asked pausing while trying to take off a large piece of tape.
"Open it, Mikey," Luke laughed.
Michael rolled his eyes and took off the rest of the wrapping paper to reveal an unfamiliar Build-A-Bear box. There was an envelope taped to it and Michael gently pulled it off and slid it open.
To: my Mikey,
For you to hold when I'm not around. For you to sleep with when the bed is otherwise empty. For you to cuddle with when you're lonely and when you're sad. And most importantly. So that it can love you when I'm not there to let you know how much I love you.
Forever, ever,
Your Lukey
Michael could not hold back his tears this time. They spilled over and rolled down his cheeks. He opened the box carefully and removed the blonde teddy bear from its confines.
"What are you naming it?" Luke asked softly wiping Michael's tears with his thumb.
Michael shrugged. He had wanted to name it Luke after the blonde who had given it to him.
"Is Luke too cheesy?" Michael whispered.
The blonde blushed faintly and shrugged, "I dunno," he muttered sheepishly.
Michael smiled and shrugged. "I'm still thinking about it," he concluded.
Luke smiled and hugged Michael resulting in him straddling the smaller boy, but no complaints were heard except for Michael saying Luke was squishing his bear.
"Shut up, Mikey,"
"Why don't you make me?"
"I will,"
And Luke's lips were against Michael's and they moved together in synchronization. Luke moved the teddy bear and Michael squealed when he tossed him carelessly on the floor, but Luke was kissing him again before he had any real chance to protest.
If Michael wasn't so broken maybe it could have lasted longer, but when he winced because his freshly removed stitches wound hurt, Luke hopped up and pulled him back downstairs Michael grabbing the stuffed animal on the way out.
Liz smiled at the two fondly as they settled down entwined on the couch to watch some of their favourite movies. And she thought everything was perfect. And maybe everything was in that moment because they were all happy. But Michael was still wanting to die, only by then he knew he was just waiting for the right time, and something was telling him to wait a little longer. Just a little.
By the end of the night Michael had decided on two things. The first was the teddy bears name. He would call it Robert. It was Luke's middle name, and when Michael looked at the bear it just seemed fitting. The second was his date of death, or date of suicide if you wish. November 22nd. Just two more days. He saw no point in extending it and prolonging his own torture, but he wanted one last day with Luke. Just one more day with Luke.
And Michael fell asleep in Luke's arms clinging to Robert with the number 22 flashing in his mind. And he was happy, because it would all be over soon, but he was sad because that meant losing the few good things he had recently accumulated.
�j*��ߪDx�"I try not to laugh. Stitches aren't going to help. They fix skin, cuts, wounds, heal stuff on the outside. Everything broken with me is on the inside,"
~Jessica Sorensen
Within two days Michael finds himself sitting waiting for Luke only when the blonde comes he has to offer a smile.
"My mum's making me do some stuff, but I gave Ash a call and he'll be here any second to take you to get the stitches out,"
Michael tries not to look disappointed. It's not that he doesn't like Ashton, but the boy likes to get everything done in one shot. Michael knows that with Ashton getting his stitches out is a task that could take the rest of the day.
As if on cue there was a knock on the door and Michael gave Luke a quick kiss before opening it to see Ashton grinning at him. "Hey, Ash," Michael greeted.
"Hey, I hope you don't mind, but I've got a handful of errands to run today and I won't be able to squeeze in getting you home till later on," Ashton said apologetically.
"No problem," Michael told him closing the door and following him out to the car. Because it wasn't really a problem. Michael would rather spend time with Ashton then alone, but he knew Luke would be waiting at home and he'd definitely rather Luke.
Ashton climbed into the driver's seat and Michael slid into the passenger's seat next to him, his fingers pressing against the healed cut on his side.
"Hey, what are you doing, Mike?" Ashton asked pulling Michael's arm away from where he could grab at it.
"Sorry. I'm really nervous," Michael admitted.
"Did you, did you used to cut? When you were nervous I mean?"
"Yeah," Michael said with a laugh, "Nervous, anxious, angry, sad, lonely, anything really. I cut whenever I felt, because it was so overwhelming to feel,"
"What about when you didn't feel?"
"When I was numb?" Ashton nodded. "Then I cut because I wanted to feel pain. I always found a reason. Wanted to feel, stop feeling, calm my head, breathe for a moment. For everything,"
"Michael," Ashton wasn't exactly sure how to translate his thoughts into coherent sentences. "There, there are only four of us. And I know that four is such a small number. But four is more than three and more than two and more than one. And, Michael, four is more than zero. Does that make sense? I know that there are only four of us, but we love you and care for you more than anyone else has ever cared for another person. And I think that has to count for something. And I know that you probably want more than four, but four is the only number with the same amount of letters as it's worth? That means, to me at least, that anything above four when it comes to friends. Is fake. Quality over quantity right?"
Ashton glanced over to see Michael swatting at tears.
"Four is more than enough, Ashton. But it's hard when you don't even think you deserve zero," Michael told him.
"We'll stick by you, Mike. Every step to recovery," Ashton muttered as they pulled into the parking lot and he turned off the car. "Starting, with getting those stitches out,"
Michael laughed and followed Ashton out of the car and into the building.
They waited in the reception area for Michael's name to be called joking under their breath and snickering quietly. More than once they were complained about, but since Michael was a patient they couldn't just throw him out.
Eventually a nurse called his name and he followed him into a small office where he was instructed to remove his sweater. Michael obeyed and tried his best not to pay attention to anything.
He was dimly aware of slight pain in his side, but before long he was being told he could leave. When he met up with Ashton by the car he wasn't surprized to see a paper in his hands containing a list of what he needed to get done.
"How long are we looking at?" Michael asked gazing at the sheet.
"Few hours tops," Ashton told him. "First stop, pharmacy,"
Turns out Ashton had three prescriptions to fill. Michael sat waiting in a chair while Ashton gave the lady all three. He sat next to Michael and they waited for her to fill each one appropriately. As they were waiting it occurred to Michael that it was his birthday and his heart - if possible - sunk a little lower. He knew they all knew because of his medical forms, but not a single person had bothered to remember or to say happy birthday if they did.
Once the prescriptions were filled Ashton asked Michael to wait at the register with the woman as he searched for something for his mum. Around two hours after they arrived, Ashton and Michael were back in the car heading to the mall and Michael decided that, that was the longest he'd ever been in a pharmacy.
Ashton killed another hour wandering around a few shops looking for things for his brother and sister, and Michael trailed after him, practically begging him to take him home to Luke.
"I'm hungry. You hungry, Mike?"
"No. Can we please go? You can eat at Luke's,"
"Not yet. I still have some stuff to do, but first I am craving some Chinese food. You sure you don't want anything,"
Michael was either about to scream or burst into tears, so he simply shook his head. It took Ashton half an hour to decide what to order and nearly an hour to eat. If Michael had been paying attention he would have noticed the older boy constantly checking his phone for the time and realized something was up. But all he could focus on was Luke.
"Ashton, come on! I want to go home to Luke!" Michael exclaimed.
Ashton had to try extremely hard not to laugh. "Hang on, Mike. Just a few more stops,"
Michael groaned, "You said that four hours ago,"
"Has it really been that long?"
"Ashton it's five O'clock," Michael snapped. "It's been seven hours. Now can we please go home?"
Ashton deliberated for a while, but he finally agreed. He could do everything else later.
Michael nearly cried tears of happiness when hearing he could finally get back to Luke and he practically bounced to the car dragging Ashton along by the elbow.
Michael could have sworn Ashton was purposely taking the longest route home he could possibly take. At one point they were actually driving away from Luke's house, but Michael couldn't be bothered since they were finally on their way.
When they pulled up Michael jumped out, "Should I just-" but Ashton stopped talking and closed the door simply joining Michael as he walked in.
Ashton grinned and shouted surprise along with the other three as Michael jaw hung wide open.
Nobody had ever done this for him before. Nobody had ever cared enough to remember his birthday before. So Michael started crying.
Calum and Ashton understood, but were still upset to see his tears. Liz stood with tears of her own burning her eyes, but Luke. Luke ran over and hugged Michael as tightly as he could, because he knew all too well what was going through Michael's mind. He had comforted the boy too many times for him to not understand it.
"Happy birthday, kitten," Luke whispered. "And in case you were wondering, it was worth every second to set this up for you. You are so worth it all Michael. I love you,"
"I love you. Forever, ever, Luke. Thank you,"
"Anything for you,"
"I ship Muke harder than a rock," Ashton muttered.
Calum laughed and Michael shook his head.
"Not this again," Michael muttered.
Luke laughed and rubbed Michael's back. "The Muke ship is sailing, baby. There's no taking her back now,"
"Damn. I wanted a full return" Michael teased.
"Did you now?"
"Mhmm,"
Luke shook his head chuckling and kissed Michael's nose.
"Cake time!" Liz called.
Michael laughed at the reaction those words brought from the other three boys, but felt a little nauseated himself. He made his wish and blew out the candles as was tradition to do on your birthday, apparently. Liz made him cut the first piece for himself, and he cut it as small as he could without raising suspicion.
Liz's piece was fairly small but still larger than Michael's, but the other three went full out. He was surprized that Ashton could even think about eating after the Chinese food, but then again he and Ashton were two very different people.
"So I told them you didn't like gifts," Luke began sitting next to Michael, "But they all got you something anyways,"
"And you're trying to say you didn't?"
"Well of course I did. But I'm your boyfriend, you don't have a say in the matter,"
Michael raised his eyebrow. "And if I never open it?"
"No more kisses for you,"
Michael laughed and took advantage of the good mood to force down a good half ,of his cake slice.
"Oh, oh, we're halfway there," Luke sung in his ear softly.
"Oh, oh, we're living on a prayer," Michael continued where Luke left off.
"I knew I loved you for a reason," Luke joked.
Michael gasped, "I think it's you who should be worried about no kisses,"
"Who are you going to kiss instead?"
Michael looked around at Ashton and Calum, "I'll find someone,"
Luke laughed and kissed Michael softly the smaller boy responding instantly. He wanted as much of this as he could get before he let go. But hadn't he already done that in a way?
Michael had given up on himself. He had let himself go, he was only there for Luke's sake, but he knew that within days...that wouldn't matter anymore. He had given himself a list, and he had finished it. He was more than ready to leave. And he was happy to be going.
"Presents!" Calum cheered.
Michael groaned as Luke dragged him over to the couch after he finished his cake.
"Do I have to?" Michael asked.
Luke and Liz laughed as Ashton and Calum stared blankly at him, "Um, yeah. Sort of a mandatory thing around here," Ashton commented.
Michael sighed and sat down waiting. Calum rushed over and placed a small package in his hands. Michael cautiously peeled off the tape and unfolded the wrapping paper. To reveal more wrapping paper.
"Every year, Calum," Luke groaned.
Michael laughed and peeled off several more layers of wrapping paper before revealing two CD's of his favourite band. Michael smiled up at Calum and hugged him briefly before placing them cautiously to the side.
Ashton had gotten him a blue shirt as a bit of a joke along with a black sweatshirt and some of Michael's favourite candies.
To some people the gifts may have seemed mediocre, but to Michael who had never received anything on his birthday. It was as if they were giving him the stars.
Liz's gift caused the waterworks to start, but Michael refused to let the tears fall. There were three small bottles in his hand coming from the pharmacy bag he and Ashton had waited two hours for earlier. Antipsychotics, antidepressants and mood stabilizers. He knew they would not make any difference. Not in the slightest. They would make him feel numb which to him is worse. But he was beyond grateful for the gesture.
Luke didn't give him anything and Michael felt the confusion set in. The blonde had said that he'd gotten Michael something. Michael ignored it however and continued to joke around with the others.
When Calum and Ashton left Liz headed to do the dishes and before Michael could offer to help he was being pulled upstairs by Luke. "What are you doing?" Michael asked completely taken off guard.
"I would like to give you your present now," Luke told him with a wide smile on his face.
Michael was confused, but he followed Luke willingly into his room and sat, as instructed, on the bed, waiting for the blonde to return. Michael's eyes widened slightly when Luke came back in with a large box. "Luke," Michael whined.
"Michael," Luke mimicked. "Open it," he urged the boy placing it on the boy's lap.
Michael almost wanted to refuse, but remembering Luke's warning about no more kisses he began unwrapping the gift. He tried guessing what it was. The box was shaped almost like two Mars bars next to each other. He couldn't figure it out. "What is it?" Michael asked pausing while trying to take off a large piece of tape.
"Open it, Mikey," Luke laughed.
Michael rolled his eyes and took off the rest of the wrapping paper to reveal an unfamiliar Build-A-Bear box. There was an envelope taped to it and Michael gently pulled it off and slid it open.
To: my Mikey,
For you to hold when I'm not around. For you to sleep with when the bed is otherwise empty. For you to cuddle with when you're lonely and when you're sad. And most importantly. So that it can love you when I'm not there to let you know how much I love you.
Forever, ever,
Your Lukey
Michael could not hold back his tears this time. They spilled over and rolled down his cheeks. He opened the box carefully and removed the blonde teddy bear from its confines.
"What are you naming it?" Luke asked softly wiping Michael's tears with his thumb.
Michael shrugged. He had wanted to name it Luke after the blonde who had given it to him.
"Is Luke too cheesy?" Michael whispered.
The blonde blushed faintly and shrugged, "I dunno," he muttered sheepishly.
Michael smiled and shrugged. "I'm still thinking about it," he concluded.
Luke smiled and hugged Michael resulting in him straddling the smaller boy, but no complaints were heard except for Michael saying Luke was squishing his bear.
"Shut up, Mikey,"
"Why don't you make me?"
"I will,"
And Luke's lips were against Michael's and they moved together in synchronization. Luke moved the teddy bear and Michael squealed when he tossed him carelessly on the floor, but Luke was kissing him again before he had any real chance to protest.
If Michael wasn't so broken maybe it could have lasted longer, but when he winced because his freshly removed stitches wound hurt, Luke hopped up and pulled him back downstairs Michael grabbing the stuffed animal on the way out.
Liz smiled at the two fondly as they settled down entwined on the couch to watch some of their favourite movies. And she thought everything was perfect. And maybe everything was in that moment because they were all happy. But Michael was still wanting to die, only by then he knew he was just waiting for the right time, and something was telling him to wait a little longer. Just a little.
By the end of the night Michael had decided on two things. The first was the teddy bears name. He would call it Robert. It was Luke's middle name, and when Michael looked at the bear it just seemed fitting. The second was his date of death, or date of suicide if you wish. November 22nd. Just two more days. He saw no point in extending it and prolonging his own torture, but he wanted one last day with Luke. Just one more day with Luke.
And Michael fell asleep in Luke's arms clinging to Robert with the number 22 flashing in his mind. And he was happy, because it would all be over soon, but he was sad because that meant losing the few good things he had recently accumulated.
�j*��ߪDx�"I try not to laugh. Stitches aren't going to help. They fix skin, cuts, wounds, heal stuff on the outside. Everything broken with me is on the inside,"
~Jessica Sorensen
Within two days Michael finds himself sitting waiting for Luke only when the blonde comes he has to offer a smile.
"My mum's making me do some stuff, but I gave Ash a call and he'll be here any second to take you to get the stitches out,"
Michael tries not to look disappointed. It's not that he doesn't like Ashton, but the boy likes to get everything done in one shot. Michael knows that with Ashton getting his stitches out is a task that could take the rest of the day.
As if on cue there was a knock on the door and Michael gave Luke a quick kiss before opening it to see Ashton grinning at him. "Hey, Ash," Michael greeted.
"Hey, I hope you don't mind, but I've got a handful of errands to run today and I won't be able to squeeze in getting you home till later on," Ashton said apologetically.
"No problem," Michael told him closing the door and following him out to the car. Because it wasn't really a problem. Michael would rather spend time with Ashton then alone, but he knew Luke would be waiting at home and he'd definitely rather Luke.
Ashton climbed into the driver's seat and Michael slid into the passenger's seat next to him, his fingers pressing against the healed cut on his side.
"Hey, what are you doing, Mike?" Ashton asked pulling Michael's arm away from where he could grab at it.
"Sorry. I'm really nervous," Michael admitted.
"Did you, did you used to cut? When you were nervous I mean?"
"Yeah," Michael said with a laugh, "Nervous, anxious, angry, sad, lonely, anything really. I cut whenever I felt, because it was so overwhelming to feel,"
"What about when you didn't feel?"
"When I was numb?" Ashton nodded. "Then I cut because I wanted to feel pain. I always found a reason. Wanted to feel, stop feeling, calm my head, breathe for a moment. For everything,"
"Michael," Ashton wasn't exactly sure how to translate his thoughts into coherent sentences. "There, there are only four of us. And I know that four is such a small number. But four is more than three and more than two and more than one. And, Michael, four is more than zero. Does that make sense? I know that there are only four of us, but we love you and care for you more than anyone else has ever cared for another person. And I think that has to count for something. And I know that you probably want more than four, but four is the only number with the same amount of letters as it's worth? That means, to me at least, that anything above four when it comes to friends. Is fake. Quality over quantity right?"
Ashton glanced over to see Michael swatting at tears.
"Four is more than enough, Ashton. But it's hard when you don't even think you deserve zero," Michael told him.
"We'll stick by you, Mike. Every step to recovery," Ashton muttered as they pulled into the parking lot and he turned off the car. "Starting, with getting those stitches out,"
Michael laughed and followed Ashton out of the car and into the building.
They waited in the reception area for Michael's name to be called joking under their breath and snickering quietly. More than once they were complained about, but since Michael was a patient they couldn't just throw him out.
Eventually a nurse called his name and he followed him into a small office where he was instructed to remove his sweater. Michael obeyed and tried his best not to pay attention to anything.
He was dimly aware of slight pain in his side, but before long he was being told he could leave. When he met up with Ashton by the car he wasn't surprized to see a paper in his hands containing a list of what he needed to get done.
"How long are we looking at?" Michael asked gazing at the sheet.
"Few hours tops," Ashton told him. "First stop, pharmacy,"
Turns out Ashton had three prescriptions to fill. Michael sat waiting in a chair while Ashton gave the lady all three. He sat next to Michael and they waited for her to fill each one appropriately. As they were waiting it occurred to Michael that it was his birthday and his heart - if possible - sunk a little lower. He knew they all knew because of his medical forms, but not a single person had bothered to remember or to say happy birthday if they did.
Once the prescriptions were filled Ashton asked Michael to wait at the register with the woman as he searched for something for his mum. Around two hours after they arrived, Ashton and Michael were back in the car heading to the mall and Michael decided that, that was the longest he'd ever been in a pharmacy.
Ashton killed another hour wandering around a few shops looking for things for his brother and sister, and Michael trailed after him, practically begging him to take him home to Luke.
"I'm hungry. You hungry, Mike?"
"No. Can we please go? You can eat at Luke's,"
"Not yet. I still have some stuff to do, but first I am craving some Chinese food. You sure you don't want anything,"
Michael was either about to scream or burst into tears, so he simply shook his head. It took Ashton half an hour to decide what to order and nearly an hour to eat. If Michael had been paying attention he would have noticed the older boy constantly checking his phone for the time and realized something was up. But all he could focus on was Luke.
"Ashton, come on! I want to go home to Luke!" Michael exclaimed.
Ashton had to try extremely hard not to laugh. "Hang on, Mike. Just a few more stops,"
Michael groaned, "You said that four hours ago,"
"Has it really been that long?"
"Ashton it's five O'clock," Michael snapped. "It's been seven hours. Now can we please go home?"
Ashton deliberated for a while, but he finally agreed. He could do everything else later.
Michael nearly cried tears of happiness when hearing he could finally get back to Luke and he practically bounced to the car dragging Ashton along by the elbow.
Michael could have sworn Ashton was purposely taking the longest route home he could possibly take. At one point they were actually driving away from Luke's house, but Michael couldn't be bothered since they were finally on their way.
When they pulled up Michael jumped out, "Should I just-" but Ashton stopped talking and closed the door simply joining Michael as he walked in.
Ashton grinned and shouted surprise along with the other three as Michael jaw hung wide open.
Nobody had ever done this for him before. Nobody had ever cared enough to remember his birthday before. So Michael started crying.
Calum and Ashton understood, but were still upset to see his tears. Liz stood with tears of her own burning her eyes, but Luke. Luke ran over and hugged Michael as tightly as he could, because he knew all too well what was going through Michael's mind. He had comforted the boy too many times for him to not understand it.
"Happy birthday, kitten," Luke whispered. "And in case you were wondering, it was worth every second to set this up for you. You are so worth it all Michael. I love you,"
"I love you. Forever, ever, Luke. Thank you,"
"Anything for you,"
"I ship Muke harder than a rock," Ashton muttered.
Calum laughed and Michael shook his head.
"Not this again," Michael muttered.
Luke laughed and rubbed Michael's back. "The Muke ship is sailing, baby. There's no taking her back now,"
"Damn. I wanted a full return" Michael teased.
"Did you now?"
"Mhmm,"
Luke shook his head chuckling and kissed Michael's nose.
"Cake time!" Liz called.
Michael laughed at the reaction those words brought from the other three boys, but felt a little nauseated himself. He made his wish and blew out the candles as was tradition to do on your birthday, apparently. Liz made him cut the first piece for himself, and he cut it as small as he could without raising suspicion.
Liz's piece was fairly small but still larger than Michael's, but the other three went full out. He was surprized that Ashton could even think about eating after the Chinese food, but then again he and Ashton were two very different people.
"So I told them you didn't like gifts," Luke began sitting next to Michael, "But they all got you something anyways,"
"And you're trying to say you didn't?"
"Well of course I did. But I'm your boyfriend, you don't have a say in the matter,"
Michael raised his eyebrow. "And if I never open it?"
"No more kisses for you,"
Michael laughed and took advantage of the good mood to force down a good half ,of his cake slice.
"Oh, oh, we're halfway there," Luke sung in his ear softly.
"Oh, oh, we're living on a prayer," Michael continued where Luke left off.
"I knew I loved you for a reason," Luke joked.
Michael gasped, "I think it's you who should be worried about no kisses,"
"Who are you going to kiss instead?"
Michael looked around at Ashton and Calum, "I'll find someone,"
Luke laughed and kissed Michael softly the smaller boy responding instantly. He wanted as much of this as he could get before he let go. But hadn't he already done that in a way?
Michael had given up on himself. He had let himself go, he was only there for Luke's sake, but he knew that within days...that wouldn't matter anymore. He had given himself a list, and he had finished it. He was more than ready to leave. And he was happy to be going.
"Presents!" Calum cheered.
Michael groaned as Luke dragged him over to the couch after he finished his cake.
"Do I have to?" Michael asked.
Luke and Liz laughed as Ashton and Calum stared blankly at him, "Um, yeah. Sort of a mandatory thing around here," Ashton commented.
Michael sighed and sat down waiting. Calum rushed over and placed a small package in his hands. Michael cautiously peeled off the tape and unfolded the wrapping paper. To reveal more wrapping paper.
"Every year, Calum," Luke groaned.
Michael laughed and peeled off several more layers of wrapping paper before revealing two CD's of his favourite band. Michael smiled up at Calum and hugged him briefly before placing them cautiously to the side.
Ashton had gotten him a blue shirt as a bit of a joke along with a black sweatshirt and some of Michael's favourite candies.
To some people the gifts may have seemed mediocre, but to Michael who had never received anything on his birthday. It was as if they were giving him the stars.
Liz's gift caused the waterworks to start, but Michael refused to let the tears fall. There were three small bottles in his hand coming from the pharmacy bag he and Ashton had waited two hours for earlier. Antipsychotics, antidepressants and mood stabilizers. He knew they would not make any difference. Not in the slightest. They would make him feel numb which to him is worse. But he was beyond grateful for the gesture.
Luke didn't give him anything and Michael felt the confusion set in. The blonde had said that he'd gotten Michael something. Michael ignored it however and continued to joke around with the others.
When Calum and Ashton left Liz headed to do the dishes and before Michael could offer to help he was being pulled upstairs by Luke. "What are you doing?" Michael asked completely taken off guard.
"I would like to give you your present now," Luke told him with a wide smile on his face.
Michael was confused, but he followed Luke willingly into his room and sat, as instructed, on the bed, waiting for the blonde to return. Michael's eyes widened slightly when Luke came back in with a large box. "Luke," Michael whined.
"Michael," Luke mimicked. "Open it," he urged the boy placing it on the boy's lap.
Michael almost wanted to refuse, but remembering Luke's warning about no more kisses he began unwrapping the gift. He tried guessing what it was. The box was shaped almost like two Mars bars next to each other. He couldn't figure it out. "What is it?" Michael asked pausing while trying to take off a large piece of tape.
"Open it, Mikey," Luke laughed.
Michael rolled his eyes and took off the rest of the wrapping paper to reveal an unfamiliar Build-A-Bear box. There was an envelope taped to it and Michael gently pulled it off and slid it open.
To: my Mikey,
For you to hold when I'm not around. For you to sleep with when the bed is otherwise empty. For you to cuddle with when you're lonely and when you're sad. And most importantly. So that it can love you when I'm not there to let you know how much I love you.
Forever, ever,
Your Lukey
Michael could not hold back his tears this time. They spilled over and rolled down his cheeks. He opened the box carefully and removed the blonde teddy bear from its confines.
"What are you naming it?" Luke asked softly wiping Michael's tears with his thumb.
Michael shrugged. He had wanted to name it Luke after the blonde who had given it to him.
"Is Luke too cheesy?" Michael whispered.
The blonde blushed faintly and shrugged, "I dunno," he muttered sheepishly.
Michael smiled and shrugged. "I'm still thinking about it," he concluded.
Luke smiled and hugged Michael resulting in him straddling the smaller boy, but no complaints were heard except for Michael saying Luke was squishing his bear.
"Shut up, Mikey,"
"Why don't you make me?"
"I will,"
And Luke's lips were against Michael's and they moved together in synchronization. Luke moved the teddy bear and Michael squealed when he tossed him carelessly on the floor, but Luke was kissing him again before he had any real chance to protest.
If Michael wasn't so broken maybe it could have lasted longer, but when he winced because his freshly removed stitches wound hurt, Luke hopped up and pulled him back downstairs Michael grabbing the stuffed animal on the way out.
Liz smiled at the two fondly as they settled down entwined on the couch to watch some of their favourite movies. And she thought everything was perfect. And maybe everything was in that moment because they were all happy. But Michael was still wanting to die, only by then he knew he was just waiting for the right time, and something was telling him to wait a little longer. Just a little.
By the end of the night Michael had decided on two things. The first was the teddy bears name. He would call it Robert. It was Luke's middle name, and when Michael looked at the bear it just seemed fitting. The second was his date of death, or date of suicide if you wish. November 22nd. Just two more days. He saw no point in extending it and prolonging his own torture, but he wanted one last day with Luke. Just one more day with Luke.
And Michael fell asleep in Luke's arms clinging to Robert with the number 22 flashing in his mind. And he was happy, because it would all be over soon, but he was sad because that meant losing the few good things he had recently accumulated.