"I wanted to write down exactly what I felt, but somehow the page stayed empty. And I could not have described it any better"
~WTM
Michael's still out. It's only been a few hours, but he can feel his resolve slipping. Luke's voice is quieter than before and Michael's fighting to hold on.
For Luke, Michael. He tells himself. And he can hear Luke's voice echoing him. For me, Michael. Hang on for me. And so Michael finds a hold on reality and grips tightly. Of course it's all in his head, but it has to be enough because it's all he has.
He feels sort of empty. He can almost feel, but it's like there's something missing and he can't figure it out. He knows something's not right. He knows there's something off, but there's no telling what it is.
Luke. Michael draws up images to distract himself and the hole in his chest fills slightly.
He needs Luke.
"I'm right here, Mikey,"
Michael knows this voice isn't one he conjured up. This is the real thing this time. He can feel it. Luke is in the room. His heart speeds up and he can feel the ghost of something on what has to be his hand. Luke's hand.
He can't break the spell however. He can't wake up no matter how hard he tries. He knows Luke's there, he can hear him, but in the room with Luke Michael's body stays completely still. It's only in his head that he's struggling.
It's as if he's chained down. He can almost feel the chains restraining him, and he fights. He fights so desperately, finding the energy from some unknown source.
He needs to wake up for Luke.
"I'm okay. Just a little bruised. But you're a little worse. Nothing broken so that's good, but they had to go straight into surgery. I'm not exactly sure why, but it worked so you're going to be okay," there's a long pause before Luke keeps talking. "When you wake up you're going to have to tell Ash and Cal, some stupid nurse started asking questions, but it's alright baby. They aren't upset, well...not at you at least. We can deal with that when you wake up. You have to wake up Mike. I'm not losing you to some freak accident. I'm not losing you at all. I love you,"
And then there's another voice Michael thinks is telling Luke he needs to go, but Luke's voice is the only one that penetrates Michael's unconscious state.
And then the slight pressure is gone from Michael's hand and he feels empty again, and suddenly he doesn't want to wake up. If he dies because of some freak accident then it would hurt everyone else less wouldn't it? Accidental death is better than suicide right? And after all Michael's wanted to die for so long, why should some guy he loves change that?
This is how he passes his time. When Luke's there Michael feels whole and he wants to stay, he wants to wake up for Luke. But when Luke's not there...Michael doesn't exactly like talking about it. Or thinking about it, but that much can't be helped.
He's not sure he can live like this either. He feels bi-polar. Like he's a balancing act. Luke keeps him going, but Michael knows he'll never be truly okay. If he lets go it'll all go away. Everything, but that means losing Luke, and Michael isn't sure he can give him up just yet.
So Michael decides to hold on for just a little longer, because he wants more time with Luke. He's not sure if this is for Luke's benefit or his own, but Michael has always stuck to his decisions ones they've been made. He'll stay for now. But a nagging voice is telling his it's futile and all for nothing. But it's for Luke, and Luke is everything.
Michael wakes up alone. When the doctor comes he won't tell Michael anything at all. He won't tell Michael where Luke is or why he won't let them in. He won't tell Michael why the man in a suit is watching him, but Michael can put the pieces together. They want to check his mental stability.
Somehow Michael knows that if he can't spin a convincing lie to this man that they'll ship him out somewhere and they won't let him see Luke. Seeing as Luke was the only reason he decided to wake up Michael knows that it's not an option. It would make him even more suicidal if anything.
Since the doctor won't tell him anything, Michael turns to the man. "Who are you?" Michael knows what he's here for, but the man doesn't seem to know that.
"My name is Jefferson Baker, I'm here to ask you some very personal questions Michael, and I need you to give me your word that you'll tell me the truth. Do I have it?"
"Yeah," Michael lets the first lie slip past his lips without hesitation.
"Michael do you cut yourself?"
"Yeah sometimes, I'm getting better though. I think it has to do with my boyfriend and best friends helping me out," Michael makes sure to emphasize that Luke and the others are his reason for 'healing' even though he isn't doing any healing.
"That's good," Jefferson marks something down. "Are you suicidal, Michael? Do you want to die?"
"No. I mean before Luke, Ash and Cal came into my life I thought about it. But nothing ever serious you know?"
Lies. Michael thinks. Can you tell I'm lying Mr. Baker? If you can't you must be really bad at what you do. I'm a pretty hopeless case.
Michael almost says these things out loud because to him it's so obvious. To Luke watching from the window it's obvious. But Jefferson marks down something else, and it's the exact things Michael was looking for. Jefferson thinks he's doing alright.
"Do you hate yourself, Michael?"
Michael waits before answering, "No. I don't think I that myself. I think that maybe I used to think did, but I don't think I ever really hated myself. Does that make sense?"
The lies were spun delicately Michael knew that with enough prodding they would crumble, but they held firm enough and Jefferson eventually left.
"He lied mum," Luke whispered when the two of them were alone. "Every single word was a lie,"
Liz nodded "I thought so,"
"Why would he lie?" Luke leaned into him mum slightly.
"Michael's smart, Luke. He outsmarted them. He knew what they would have done if he told the truth," Liz rubbed Luke's arm gently. "He knew they would send him away,"
"I think I'm glad he lied mum. Is that wrong? Should I tell them he lied so they take him somewhere he'll get better?" Luke prayed she would say no. Prayed she would say that it wasn't wrong of him to be glad Michael lied.
Liz deliberated, but watching Michael fidget through the small window she knew the answer. She watched Michael's fingers trace Luke's name on the bedsheet and a smile slipped onto her lips. "I think that if they sent him away he wouldn't get better. I think that if they sent him away we would lose him. I don't think it's wrong of you to be glad, Luke. He needs you," Liz pointed to Michael's fingers that were still tracing Luke's name. And the blonde's eyes filled with tears as he smiled.
"I need him too," Luke said just watching.
Michael's eyes flitted around the room as his finger traced Luke's name onto the bed sheet on his thigh. Meaningless pictures, pale blue walls, wooden chair, air, oxygen. His eyes landed on the small window Luke was behind eventually and Michael's eyes widened as they brightened. It was an instinct.
And then his eyes watered because Luke was on the other side of the door and he wasn't coming in. why would he come in anyway? So Michael tore his eyes away from Luke's and wiped at them furiously. He stayed for Luke and the blonde wouldn't even come inside his room.
The door handle twisted and Michael looked up to see the blonde he was hopelessly in love with enter and he grinned. "Luke," he whispered.
Luke smiled widely and took Michael in his arms. "I love you," Luke told him kissing anywhere he could reach. "I love you, I love you, I love you. I will always love you,"
"I love you too, Lukey," Michael whispered pressing his lips briefly to Luke's.
And then the doctor came in. "Mr. Hemmings, you were told not to come in," He said clearly agitated.
"And I told you I didn't give a f*ck what you said," Luke didn't look away from Michael a cheeky grin on his face.
"Mr. Hemmings!"
"Doctor Bly!" Luke mocked.
"For God's sake. Martin!"
Luke's eyes widened at the name, but he held his ground. Michael stared at Luke with love and admiration burning in his eyes. This was for him. Luke was doing this for him. And then Martin walked in. The burly man gripped Luke and lifted him easily out of the room.
"Luke! I told you to stop breaking into his room!" Liz's voice carried into the room as she scolded Luke and Michael couldn't help, but laugh causing the doctor to place a hand on Martin's shoulder.
"Hang on. Michael? Do you want Luke to stay?"
Michael hesitated before nodding.
It was automatic. Martin dropped the lanky boy and Luke scrambled to his feet placing himself between Michael and the other two occupants of the room. It was as if he were protecting Michael though Michael knew Luke would be easily over-powered.
When Michael dissolved into coughs Luke was at his side in a heartbeat rubbing soothing circles on his back and whispering sweet nothings in his ear until he stopped. And then Luke was holding a cup of water to Michael's lips with the soft instructions to just take a few sips. So Michael obeyed and sipped the water from the cup. "Thank you," he whispered staring up into Luke's eyes.
"Anything for you lovely," Luke kissed his forehead.
"Lovely? That one's new," Michael commented with a smirk.
"But you love it,"
"I love you,"
"I love you, Mikey,"
"Too?"
"More,"
"Not true," Michael made sure Luke was looking him in the eye before he elaborated. "If I had never met you, I would be dead. If you had never met me, well you would be better off,"
"But if you left me now Michael, I don't think I'd hesitate to go after you unless there was a chance you'd come back to me,"
"Don't say that, Luke. Don't say that you'd kill yourself over me. I'm not worth that. You're everything good, don't let me stain you,"
"You are not a stain Michael Clifford. Nor a burden. You are absolute perfection in my eyes. Don't ever doubt that,"
Michael tucked his nose into the crook between Luke's neck and shoulder and he hid there. He hid from the voices plaguing his mind and the cruel reality that was facing him when Luke left. But it was okay, because Luke was there in that moment. And in that moment Michael felt whole. It was as if the emptiness had never existed, but that was all Michael was without Luke.
Just empty.
Michael knew Ashton and Calum wanted answers. But answers meant prying questions Michael wasn't sure he could handle. So he pushed off letting them come in until Luke was giving him the silent treatment.
"Luke. Lucas. Lucifer. Lucy. Luciana," Michael poked the blonde.
"Is Luciana even a name?" he asked turning to face Michael.
"It's your name," the smaller boy teased.
Luke sighed and turned back around.
"Please, Lukey," Michael stretched out the 'e' sound. Eventually he gave up huffing. "Fine,"
Luke kissed his cheek before opening the door and poking his head out calling for Ashton and Calum.
To say they were eager for answers was an understatement, but when they saw Michael for the first time knowing what he did to himself, they were unable to find the words, so Michael, being the encyclopedia he is, began to supply them.
"I know you have a lot of questions," he hid his exposed wrists before either boy could look. "And I really do want to answer them," Luke was frowning noticing Michael's voice was quiet again. "But I need you to understand that this is excruciating for me to talk about, and that I might not be able to tell you everything. Luke knows, so if it's something that's bugging you, you can just go to him,"
Ashton nodded slowly, still trying to wrap his head around the fact that Michael, happy, sweet, Michael, would hate himself. Calum however didn't react at all. He was angry. Not at Michael, but at the fact that he missed all the signs. He was angry at whoever did this to him.
"Why?" Ashton sounded genuinely hurt.
"I thought that was pretty self-explanatory. Um, well I s-sort of hate myself?"
"Why?" Ashton repeated.
"I-it's a really long st-ory. Um..." Michael trailed off hiccupping a few times.
"It's alright, Mikey," Calum's voice was unnaturally high.
And then Michael let himself cry. It was the silent type of crying, tears were leaking soundlessly from his eyes. The others would not have noticed if they weren't watching him.
Luke's hand was on Michael's back within the same second. He was rubbing and tracing small meaningless shapes and designs. "You're safe, Mikey," he was whispering. "I won't let them touch you again,"
Michael sniffled and nodded. "M-my dad abuses me, I guess. I mean h-he gets violent sometimes, especially when he's drunk, but only ever me y-you know? And my mum does drugs. Sh-she used, she used. Oh God, sorry. Ugh," Michael tried to shake some sense into himself, maybe he could just shake the words out. "Luke?" he asked desperately.
"Not this part, babe. You have to tell them this,"
"My mum used to - f*ck. She used to touch me. She still tries sometimes, when she runs of sh*t to do. But she hasn't been, uh, successful in a few years," Michael rubbed at his eyes and Ashton and Calum saw for the first time how broken Michael really was.
"And then there's all the people at school too. They do terrible things like my dad does and they use words like my mum. I don't know if the doctors said anything, but I'm sick too,"
And then it was Luke's turn to be confused because Michael hadn't told anyone that and when the doctor told Liz she wouldn't dare tell that to Luke. It was for Michael to share.
"Depressive-type schizoaffective disorder. Or at least that's what the doctors think. Symptoms include; hallucinations such as hearing voices, major depressed mood episodes, impaired social functioning, and paranoid thoughts and ideas. The controversial topic was of course the major depressed mood episodes. It's been ten years and I have yet to fall out of my so called 'mood',"
Michael wanted to scratch his neck, but he didn't want to scare Ashton and Calum with his mutilated wrists.
"Is, is there anything that you can do?" Luke asked quietly.
Michael shrugged. "There's meds, but my parents aren't exactly willing to get them. I used to buy them myself, but my mum started using them to get high so I stopped,"
"My mum can-"
"I'm not asking Liz to pay for antipsychotics, mood stabilizers and antidepressants, Luke," Michael shut the blonde down instantly.
"You know you wouldn't have to ask," Luke muttered.
"I'm not letting her! It's expensive, Luke. I'm not letting someone pay for medication that's supposed to make me sane. It didn't work before. All it did was make me feel numb,"
"Is there anything else?" Ashton asked.
"Therapy. I nearly killed my last therapist so..."
Nobody asked about that.
"Can I see?"
Michael tensed at Calum's words, but the other two boys were confused at the topic change.
"Cal what..? Oh," Luke understood before Ashton, but the curly haired boy grasped it quick enough.
"Are, are you sure you really want to look?" Michael tried not to stumble over his words.
Calum nodded and Michael slowly pulled his arms from behind himself.
"Oh," Calum breathed.
"There's more," Michael stood carefully with Luke's help and the blonde pulled the hem of the hospital gown up so the two boys could see the cuts and scars on Michael's thighs.