Chapter Eleven
"Keep the wound dry and clean," the nurse instructed as she handed Eddie and Jamie the discharge papers. "Use the ointment twice a day and make sure you finish the entire bottle of antibiotics."
Eddie had been hospitalized for three days. She had kept her fever down and the wound stopped oozing so the doctor cleared her to go home. "Most importantly, you must rest and not over use your arm."
Eddie nodded, her arm still ached so badly she didn't think she could over use it. "Dr. McGee wishes to see you in one week to determine if you will be able to have your surgery on the 19th or if they'll have to postpone."
Jamie sighed, "We can't postpone very much, can we? She has a tumor the size of a golf ball that is spreading through her body like wildfire."
The nurse nodded, "I understand, but she has to be well enough to endure the surgery, it's a drastic procedure."
"I haven't actually decided what option I'm taking," Eddie replied. She knew in her heart what she had to do but it was frightening to think about.
The nurse left stating she was free to leave the hospital. The transporter came to wheel her out to where Danny was waiting with the car. "We thought the SUV would be a smoother ride for you," he stated. "You can rest in the backseat. Linda is at your place with the kids getting your room ready."
Eddie was grateful for this family and everything they were doing for her and Jamie. Jamie helped her in and fastened her seatbelt. "Danny, do you have the blanket? She's going to get cold back here."
Danny provided the blanket and Jamie wrapped Eddie in it. He got into the back seat with her so she could rest her head on his chest if she needed to do it. "I'm getting better, Jamie," Eddie assured him. "Please don't waste your coddling now, I'm sure I'll need a ton of it as this goes along."
"Still, you were just in the hospital for three days and I just want to get you home into our bed where you belong. You can't have rested well with the poking and prodding they do in there."
"No," Eddie admits. "And I missed you beside me."
After the first night, they had made Jamie leave at 10 pm. He slept at his dad's to be near the hospital but truth was neither he nor Eddie got much sleep.
The ride home was short, there was no traffic. Jamie helped Eddie from the car while Danny took her bag. When she walked into the house it was clean and neat. There was a huge "Welcome Home Mommy" sign on the fireplace mantle. Both children couldn't be contained, they rushed to hug their mother. They had been only allowed to see her for a short time each day.
Eddie dropped and held both of her children close, "I missed you so much..." She felt her throat tighten with emotion at how much she'd missed her children. "Are you being good for Aunt Linda and Grandpa?"
"They've been angels," Linda told her. "Joey, what did you want to show your Mommy?"
Joey took Eddie's hand and led her to the bedroom. They had her favorite nightgown laid out, the comforter she used when they were sick and cuddled in the big bed with her, a small fridge with snacks and drinks, and the DVD player had been moved into the bedroom. "We made it for you with Uncle Danny," he said proudly. "So you can rest and get better."
Eddie's heart swelled, "Thank you sweetheart." She kissed her son's face and Lila's nose. "What if Mommy gets comfortable and we all watch a video together? What do you think Daddy?"
Jamie wanted her to rest, but he knew their kids needed her to act herself to feel secure. "I think it's a great idea."
Linda helped Eddie get changed. "The wound looks much better and the skin color is becoming normal again. How are you feeling?"
"Very tired," Eddie admits. "But I want to spend time with my kids and Jamie now. I don't know what will happen after I start treatment. Linda...if it were you. What would you do? Would you try to save your breast?"
"I'd want to try but I wouldn't do it. I know it's hard...that's where we nurse our kids, hold our husbands when they catch a hard case...that's our special thing, but at the end of the day, it's your heart and your life that matter the most. What does Jamie say?"
"He wants them to cut the whole thing off, at least that's what he told the doctors. We didn't talk yet."
"Talk to him, tell him your feelings and your fears. Let him speak for himself and make a choice. You and Jamie, and I have always admired this about your marriage...You and Jamie really are a team. You do things together, do this together too. He can't be upset at a choice if he's a part of it. That's why I was surprised you kept him on the outside of this thing so long."
"If it wasn't for his reactions to cancer, I wouldn't have. He was shaking when I told him. He shook and he cried...He was scared. He is scared and I don't know how to help that."
"Let him talk about it," Linda advised. "Let him talk about his fears, let him remember his mother's death so it's out in the open. Then tell him how scared you are...I see it I your face, you can't hide from me."
Meanwhile, Danny and Jamie were sipping whiskey. When Danny offered his little brother a shot Jamie justified, "It's five o'clock somewhere," and downed it.
"How you holding up, Kid?" Danny asked.
Jamie sighed, "I think about her all the time," he replied. "I am already obsessing about her and she didn't even start her treatments."
"Where are you on the whole losing a breast thing? Linda says she's pretty sure Eddie's holding off until you make it clear..."
"If she is doing something that stupid, I think I just might lose my temper this time," Jamie replied. "I don't care if she loses her breast, her hair, her beauty...as long as it's not her life. As long as I don't have to watch my wife..."
Jamie's Fears
"How is she?" Danny asked coming over to take his turn sitting with Jamie and Eddie. She'd fought the cancer valiantly for sixteen months but it has spread to her lungs and her liver. Three months ago, with Jamie's blessing, she made the decision to stop fighting and enjoy, as much as she could, the time with her family.
"In and out," Jamie replied. He looked as if he'd aged fifty years in the last six weeks. That's when she got bad, when the pain became unbearable at times, when doing for herself was no longer an option.
"She finally is getting some peaceful sleep, but her morphine is locked out now so the next bout of break through pain, we just need to ride it out."
Danny embraced his younger brother, "Dad says the kids are being good. Joe wants to come see his mother but..."
Danny looked at Eddie. She was thin as a stick, white as a sheet, with only little tuffs of blonde hair on her head. Jamie had her propped on pillows and cocooned in quilts to ease her breathing and keep her warm. She had oxygen 24/7 now but her lips still showed a bluish tinge. Danny knew the end was near and he wanted to be the one holding Jamie's hand when he lost the person he lived for each day.
"I agree, he's too young. I want him to remember her like she was, beautiful, vital...not like this."
The two brothers sat down, one on each side of Eddie's bed. Jamie held her hand, it had a permanent tremor. They watched the television and listened to Eddie's raspy breathing. "Danny, when Mom sounded like that...how long?"
"Two or three days I think, Dad will remember better, but it wasn't long."
Jamie sighed, "A few more days..." He wasn't sure if it was relieved or heart broken. Probably both.
A few hours into their vigil, Eddie started to stir. Jamie pushed the PCA button hoping it would deliver a booster and not beep at him. The booster was delivered but Eddie still began to moan in pain.
Jamie stood and moved her pillows this way and that way until the fussing stopped. "Ssh, I know...I know...How's this?" He didn't expect a response but when he got her to a comfortable place, she offered a weak smile. She turned her head to see Danny, "Make sure...eats..." Jamie had not been eating much while he tended to his wife's every need.
"I fed him, don't worry...you rest, I'll take care of him..." Danny held her hand and stroked her cheek. He felt as if he too was losing a part of his heart.
The last few days of her life, Eddie suffered. The medication wasn't enough to handle her intense pain, she gasped for air as the tumors constricted her lungs. Jamie laid behind her in her hospital bed, the newest feature in their living room, propping her up so she could breathe. As her breathing grew more labored it also grew louder. Jamie knew it was close to the end.
Near midnight, three days after he had asked Danny how long it might take, Eddie opened her eyes and slurred, "Love you, Jamie..." Those were her last words...
Real Time
"Jamie!" Danny snapped at his brother trying to get his attention. "Where the Hell were you! You're shaking." He moved closer and rubbed his brother's arm. "Talk to me, kid."
"I can't lose her, Danny. I can't...watch her suffer like Mom did..." Jamie was in tears when Lila came out. "Daddy, why you crying?" she asked climbing into his lap.
"Daddy's just upset that Mommy is sick, peanut," Jamie replied. "Why don't you and Joey color a picture for Mommy's room and when you are done it'll be time to watch movies?"
That placated the four year old. "You aren't going to lose her, kid. It's advanced but they said they can get it all with treatment and stuff. Mom died a long time ago, the drugs are better now."
"Better but they are stronger, and the side effects are horrible. She's still so weak from the infection, she's not bouncing back. When she had Lila, she nearly bled to death and two days later, she's up and taking care of the baby."
"Listen, Jamie, I wish I could make this better for you. I wish it was like when you were little and the kids picked on you in school. I could swoop in and make it better, but I can't do that. All I can do it pray with you, cry with you, and help you as much as possible. And I promise I will." Danny patted Jamie's back in a comforting gesture.
Jamie smiled at Danny, "I'm going to check on them they've been in..." Before he finished Linda emerged from the bedroom. "Go on in Jamie. She's tired but she wants to spend time with you and the kids. Danny and I will let ourselves out. I'll be by in the morning to change her bandage and check her wound. You change it tonight and if it smells or is oozing, call me."
Jamie agreed and went into the bedroom to talk to Eddie. "The kids are coloring, they'll be a little while yet. Before you get too tired we should talk about what we're going to do."
Eddie sighed, "I know it's silly, but I don't want to lose my breast. It's part of me, it's one of the first places you touched me, it's where I nursed our babies. It's where I hold you when you cry over a hurt child or a victim that you can't get justice for...but I know that I can't be here to do that if they don't get all the cancer. I know I have to lose it. I just hope that you will..."
"Of course I will," Jamie finished for her. "Eddie, I love you, not your breast. I didn't marry your breasts E though I like them, I'd rather have you here with me and our children than have you keep your breast when it's infiltrated with cancer!"
She nodded silently, "All right then. I'll call the doctor tomorrow and tell her we're going to take the whole breast and if she can save the other one, okay...if not...they both go."
Jamie leaned over and kissed her, "I'm proud of you, Eddie. I know that wasn't easy to do."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Eddie asked after a few minutes of silence. Jamie knew she meant keeping her testing a secret but Jamie shook his head. "When the kids go to bed, I have questions I don't want them to hear us."
Eddie laid back against the pillows. Five minutes later both kids came in with pictures and their favorite movie. The Reagan family sat on the bed together for the rest of the night until Lila and Joey both grew sleepy.
"Okay, guys, kiss Mommy goodnight and I'll tuck you in," Jamie told them. He was too tired to mess with bath time that night. He'd shower the kids off in the morning.
Bed time took a half hour. When Jamie returned he found Eddie standing in front of the mirror, night gown pulled down, exposing both breasts. He sighed, she was struggling so much with this. "You are beautiful, Eddie. No matter what you are so beautiful...let me change the dressing and we have to have this talk before it eats at us anymore."
She sat on the bed and let Jamie peel back the gauze. There was only a little drainage on the pad. "This looks a lot better than it did," Jamie observed as he puts ointment on the skin. "All right, Eddie, just tell me why? I think if I know why I can get past the fact that for a week you looked me in the face and lied to me."
"I didn't want to lie to you, Jamie," Eddie sighed. "I was scared. I was scared about what this lump was and what it meant and I was even more scared you'd decide you couldn't go through that again, that you couldn't go through with me what you did with your mother."
"Eddie, I can't believe this! We are married ten years, together for fifteen, when have I ever, ever left you when you needed me, even when you wanted me to?!" Jamie got up and paced. "That hurts, you know, that really hurts you think so little of me."
"I don't," she said immediately getting up and going to stop Jamie's pacing. "I was scared, and I didn't think. It was wrong, it was selfish too...and I am sorry. I went against everything our marriage stood for and I understand you're angry and I understand if you can't forgive me."
"I've already forgiven you, Eddie," Jamie sighed. "I do understand, I just don't agree. I need you to promise me here and now you will not hide another thing from me about your health or anything else. I need to know everything so I can help you. I need to know so we can fight this together. We have been in a lot of tough spots, but we got through them together."
Eddie teared up again, "Jamie...." He voice is thin and wavering. "I'm so scared..." Eddie's shoulders began to shake as Jamie took her into his arms. "I know, I'm scared too...but we're partners, we are going to be partners in this. This is the biggest battle of our lives...I've got you back...just like the first day."
Jamie held Eddie as she cried for nearly thirty minutes. He felt her sag against him, the minimal strength she had gained was gone. "Let's get you into bed," Jamie murmured softly into her hair. "Lean on me..."
He basically carried her to their bed and laid her down, "Drink some water and try to sleep..." Jamie helped her with the water and secure the blankets. "I'm going to lock up and I'll be right back okay?"
Eddie only nodded. He wasn't gone long. She felt the bed dip and Jamie slid close to her. "Sleep, please sweetheart. You need it."
He combed his fingers through her hair, a reassurance he was at her side, today, tomorrow, as long as it would take.
Next in Tough: Eddie tells her father her diagnosis, Joey struggles in school, Jamie and Eddie prepare for a night of romance before her operation