Pan's point of view
The darkness lifted and I realized we were standing in the same position we'd been in before. I hastily drew my fingers away from her temples and a took a step back. I couldn't let myself be distracted by her closeness.
"You abandoned your own son?" She asked incredulously, looking up at me.
I felt my eyes darken. "I never wanted a son. He was just a reminder of Katherine."
She was furious, obviously thinking that I was a monster for abandoning my own son. But hadn't she understood that yet? I was a monster. Only with her did I ever feel even slightly human. Didn't she understand that before, I'd been even worse?
"So you just abandoned him? He lost his mother too!" She was shouting furiously, her blue eyes flashing.
I hated this. I'd hoped that she would understand that it was before, that it was my past, that I couldn't change it. I'd wanted to open up to her, show her my past, my story. And this was what happened.
She seemed to be thinking along the same lines as me, because when she saw the walls slamming back up, she said, "Pan... I didn't mean it like that, it's just-"
"Just what?" I interrupted. "Just that I'm a monster and you'd hoped that I'd changed?"
"No, Pan. Not that..." Her voice was pained. It hurt me to see her like that, so many conflicted emotions flew through her eyes.
"Just go," I sighed.
"No" she said stubbornly.
"Why not?" Showing her my past had been tiring and I wasn't in the mood to argue with her.
"I won't go, because you said we needed to talk, so that's what we're going to do. We're going to talk," she said as she sat resolutely on the couch, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Fine," I sighed. I leaned against the desk and asked, "What do you want to talk about?" I knew that the upcoming questions weren't going to be the most pleasant to answer.
"Why won't you kill me?"
That brought me up short. She was so direct, straight to the point. No aimless questions. I struggled for a moment to find my voice.
"Why- why would I kill you?"
She sighed. "I'm not stupid." No indeed, she wasn't. "When I woke up, Jake told me all about the heart of the truest believer, that I had it, and that you needed it to live. You're slowly dying, and if you don't get that heart, it's only a matter of time. I know you'd do anything for power, for life." She waved her hand aimlessly. "I saw that you're not above abandoning your own son for eternal youth and power, so why am I still alive?"
I was short of breath. How could I ever explain it to her? How could I ever tel her that I loved her? She hated me, despised me. And even if she had feelings for me, she'd hate them, resent them. She was far from accepting them. Now she was looking up curiously at me now, wondering why I wasn't answering her. I made a split second decision.
"Because, there's a ritual. The heart of the truest believer can only be given to me willingly by its owner."
A shadow passed over her eyes. "That's why I'm still alive? Because I have to be the one to give my heart to you? Because you can't take it by force?"
I nodded. Even if this was the truth, it wasn't the reason I hadn't acted yet. Even if it caused her a little pain to think that this was the only reason she was still alive, it's still better than the truth.
"I need to get some air," she said as she got up and almost ran out of the room.
I watched her go mournfully. It hurt me to make her think that I was still a monster but if I told her the real reason, if I told her that I loved her, it would be catastrophic. She didn't want to have any feelings for me. That was all.
I was finally doing something selfless, putting her wellbeing over mine. So why did it hurt so much?
***
Alianna's point of view
I breathed in the fresh air in relief. I shouldn't have let our conversation hurt me to such a deep level, but I couldn't help it. I told myself over and over that he was still a monster, despite those rare and tiny moments where he was gentle and caring. But every time, I'm naive enough to think that I see something behind his walls, that I see an emotion that isn't hate or indifference, quite the opposite. But of course that's just my imagination. I'm just stupid and hopelessly naive. Always believing in second chances for everybody, even the monsters like Pan that have already had a thousand second chances.
I couldn't think about those things. Not now. My brain still felt fuzzy and sluggish, not good for deep thoughts.
I headed towards the training center where I was sure to find Ethan and Jake. I had to get my mind off things. When I arrived there, it seemed pretty full. Literally all the Lost Boys were there, even Felix. Pan was the only one missing. Good.
"Oh hey Ali," Jake said with a warm smile as I approached them. "Glad to see you're still alive." He obviously tried to sound joking and carefree, but I could tell that he'd been worried about me.
"Hey," I replied with a huge smile.
Ian waved towards me in a friendly gesture, Ethan hugged my midriff like he usually did, and Sam gave me a light punch on the shoulder; his usual greeting.
"So what are you doing?" I asked curiously, gesturing at all the Lost Boys. There weren't more than fifteen, but after getting used to having no more than five people at a time in here, it felt like a crowd.
"Oh, we're having this sort of tournament," Jake answered. "A thing we do when we try to lift the mood."
"That's so cool, right Alia?" Ethan interjected. "There are five disciplines, archery, hand to hand combat, rock climbing, sword fighting and one hundred meter race. Jake won the race already! He's so super fast, you should've seen him!"
I smiled.
"No, he's serious," Sam said. "Jake is really fast. Not really fair huh? We're exactly the same down to the last freckle but he gets to be ten times faster than me." He chuckled as Jake punched him playfully.
"You're better at sword fighting," Jake reminded him.
"Oh, but that's just skill," Sam laughed.
My smile widened, it felt nice to be around them after the few hard days I'd spent alone, trying to make sense out of the turmoil of my emotions.
"So what's next?" I asked.
"Hand to hand combat," Sam smiled dangerously.
A whistle sounded and everyone gathered around the sand pit. Felix was the referee. The first match was Gavin against Karter. The rules were actually pretty simple. Basically everything was allowed, and the match only ended when one of them was pinned to the ground for longer than fifteen seconds.
All the Lost Boys cheered as it started. They were shouting encouragements and laughing, screaming or booing. Soon enough, I joined in. It felt good, like I really was part of Neverland's small family. I hadn't realized how much I'd craved socializing, hanging out with people other than myself and Pan.
The match was soon over and to nobody's surprise Karter won. Another match started, then another, and another. Time flew as we all cheered the fighters on. Before I knew it it was over, making Karter the winner of the wrestling match with Sam a close second.
Then it was archery. Obviously, Ian won that one.
Afterwards, it was rock climbing. The Lost Boy with the best time was a dark haired boy named Nathaniel.
Finally it was the last discipline, sword fights. I couldn't enjoy watching like the others because it just made me so anxious. I was constantly afraid one of them would make a mistake and the other would end up killed. The first match started, it was Ronan against Nathaniel.
"Hey," a deep voice said behind me.
I turned around in surprise to see Karter.
"Hey," I said timidly. I'd never really spoken to him before, I was more of a keep to myself person.
"I just wanted to thank you for saving Ian. You didn't have to do it but you did, so thanks. Everyone is like family to us here and after losing Stefan and Derek it would've been horrible to lose someone else."
"I... I didn't heal Ian," I shook my head confusedly.
He looked puzzled for a second before his expression cleared. "Oh, of course, you don't remember. Well, you did heal Ian so I'm thanking you for it."
I nodded my head mutely, I didn't really know what to say. He chuckled and I looked up at him. He really was tall.
"What's so funny?"
"Well, some of us are closer than just family," Karter said as he pointed at Ian and Jake. They were holding hands, Jake was tracing circles with his thumb in Ian's palm.
I gasped at him. "You know?"
"Oh please. They're not fooling anyone, at least not me. It's a miracle Sam hasn't noticed yet."
I smiled. "Yeah, I guess."
"How about you? How's it going?"
"How's what going?" I asked confused.
He rolled his eyes. "With Pan?"
I blushed and stammered. "There's nothing going on with Pan."
"Are you seriously trying to fake it?" He asked incredulously. "You two are even worse than Ian and Jake. Or at least you are. I have a harder time reading Pan's emotions, he's always so blank."
"What do you mean?"
He looked genuinely surprised. "Ali, you haven't noticed? It's clear on your face when you look at him that you care for him. I thought that at least you'd realized it."
I shook my head but was spared to answer by a scream. I snapped my head towards the sound and gasped. It must've been an accident but Nathaniel had his stomach slashed open and fresh blood poured out freely. He fell onto his knees, an expression of shock on his face. Ronan was petrified, dawning horror on his face as he realized what his mistake had done.
Before anyone else reacted, I had already propelled myself forward and was pushing through the crowd, trying to get to him. At last I reached the platform and hoisted myself onto it. Nathaniel looked up at me with his eyes wide open, evidently too shocked to feel the pain.
"Hey, it's okay," I whispered gently as I crouched down besides him. "I'll help fix you up. Just lie down, it'll work better I promise."
Obediently, he did as I said and lied down. I placed my hands on his hard stomach and they immediately were slick with his blood. I choked down my nausea. The cut was deep but it was nothing I couldn't fix.
"So this is going to hurt a little, but it's normal. Are you ready?"
He nodded once before clenching his teeth, bracing himself. I concentrated slightly but it was getting much easier for me to control my powers. My palms warmed and tingled and I saw the blood stop flowing out of the wound and the skin mending itself. Nathaniel groaned once in pain but that was all. Then it was over. He sat up and stared at his stomach for a second, not believing what he was seeing. There was nothing left, no scar or visible mark of any sort.
"Oh my god..." he breathed. "I'm completely healed!"
He looked up at me with a huge smile on his face and he threw his arms around me, hugging me tightly.
"Thanks," he murmured into my hair.
"Umm, you're welcome?" I said. I was slightly freaked out at the sudden burst of affection.
Other Lost Boys were now coming towards me, patting me on the back, congratulating me on healing Nathaniel. I let myself smile. For once, this wasn't one of my mistakes I'd had to make up, this wasn't my fault. And I healed him. I'd finally done something good that wasn't to fix a mistake I'd made earlier.
But Karter's words deeply troubled me.
Ali, you haven't noticed? It's clear on your face when you look at him that you care for him. I thought that at least you'd realized it.