3:00 a.m.
MYG 💙
Yoongi I don't get it
I've been thinking and it's not adding up
But it's making perfect sense
Taehyung, he always leaves and comes back and leaves and comes back
He's like flowers. Biennial I think?
No, perennial
He's perennial
We're going through a hard winter it seems like all our flowers are dead I try my best to water and water and breathe life into what's left of us but I guess we can't be helped. It's just not that time of year.
I have problems coming to grips with that for some reason
As if I don't know he'll be back next spring but
I don't know if I even want things to grow back. It might just be habit or muscle memory or Stockholm. Feels that way sometimes
He's all I've ever known. He's my first love. It always hurts when he leaves. It's always like the first time
But I've been thinking you know. Maybe he's not who I am anymore. I'm not sure if perennial is what I want anymore. So why do I still try? I wake up some days and feel like my body is piloting itself while I just watch from the outside. And that means I spend most of my days lying to myself.
And that myself and me are two different people. I can't even tell where they stop being the same thing
Do you know what that feels like?
To be Borges and I
I love modernism. I love Borges.
I used to teach him as a graduate student to undergrads
Creative Writing II
You would have been a shit student
Did I ever tell you I know Haruki Murakami?
4:14 a.m.
You should read it sometime
Borges y yo
4:27 a.m.
And who the fuck is he anyway?
Not Borges. He's a king.
Taehyung. He's just a man right? I think my love made him special
When that's gone I don't know him, or well. In a past life I knew him.
Teenage me knows him, but I don't. That might be clearer.
But I'm stuck here. He's so alluring. He's everything I used to want.
Borges and I
Jimin and I
Taehyung and Jimin
Same thing
And fuck him for leaving me when I begged him to never ever
Even though it made space for you. Oh my god it hurts sometimes.
For leaving again and again and
Coming in and out of my life like it's a fucing
*fucking grocery store
Not the best analogy I know shut up
Fuck it you understand what I'm saying don't you?
You're there, right Yoon?
I'm sorry for talking so much but you're the only friend who knows me
4:41 a.m.
I know he's bad for me. He's my nicotine
Much better metaphor
I used to smoke a little when I was younger. It was still pretty fucking naive. Just wanted to be edgy
So I know how it feels to crave something that is eating you alive. So bad your body can't work without it
This is corny but he's worse
Sooooo corny but he's hell
I'd rather die than have to do this dance forever
4:58 a.m.
I bought cigarettes earlier
I think it was me that bought them
Or perhaps it was the nostalgia
Or Jimin
Hmmm
5:09 a.m.
Trauma is so wild.
You mean to tell me I gotta live with this shit forever?
Crazy
5:24 a.m.
To be clear I didn't smoke the cigarettes
Don't wanna fall apart mentally and physically
Lol
I think I'm having a mental break I'm sorry this is so much
5:30 a.m.
I know when we were at the restaurant you said you think you're second best
It's not true
I hope I'm not overwhelming you when I say that sometimes I imagine what it would be like to still know you when I'm 70
5:40 a.m.
I am so scared of how I feel about you that I can't fall asleep
I am so scared of not having you around that I wish sometimes we never met at all
You take up so much space in my mind
You're gonna be mad at me for saying that and confusing you but I do I'd regret it so much if I didn't say that
You owe me rent money for that
6:04 a.m.
Oh look the sun is rising
I'm on the rooftop now, and I can see the station from here
The world looks so beautiful at daybreak
I know you might be concerned but I won't jump
6:18 a.m.
Yoongi?delivered.