Dean's P.O.V.
I knew I wasn't dead.
I mean, I didn't know what death was like and I certainly didn't know if I was wrong but I was pretty sure that even when you're dead you're not dreaming.
But as you can see, the reason why I thought I wasn't dead was that I was dreaming, or remembering things to put it right. I was remembering my past, how my dad abused me, how my mother died. I remembered things I couldn't even actively remember happening but they seemed so real, I knew they weren't just part of my imagination, they had really happened. I didn't understand why that stuff suddenly seemed to come to the surface again but somehow it seemed to be important even though I don't know that importance yet.
*~*
Suddenly I was small again, maybe I had been around 7 in this memory. Sammy and I were sitting in a motel room, cuddling while watching something that appeared to be a Christmas movie. Sammy's eyes were practically glued to the TV while I was watching Sammy, smiling slightly. I loved my little brother and gladly he didn't even realize what was happening most of the time because of his young age.
"Bean?" Sam asked, still not able to say my name properly. I found it quite adorable, it was something that was normal, something that every kid would do. If he would go to a kindergarten, Sam would probably be teased but since they would move soon anyways our father didn't find the sense in putting his younger son into a kindergarten.
Somehow our old man always seemed to pamper Sam, always took his time to talk to the young child. I would be jealous if it wasn't Sam – he deserved it. Sam should at least get something like parental love, should feel like he had a father because I knew something my little brother didn't – I knew that someday that this fatherly love, the proud glint in dad's eyes would disappear and all he would get would be a disappointed, hateful glare. Or maybe that was just for me, dad's own way of telling me that he hated me and that I shouldn't be alive, that Sammy was the perfect son.
"Bean!" Sam exclaimed again, a pout quite prominent on his a little bit chubby face. He just hated being ignored and could get quite annoyed with whoever was ignoring him. I chuckled quietly and ruffled his soft hair, smiling gently. "Yeah?"
Instantly the pout disappeared from his face and he beamed at me, obviously happy that I acknowledged him. Oh, if he just knew that he was the most important person in my life...
"Got you present!" He beamed at me and I furrowed my eyebrows. A present? I knew it was Christmas Eve but I didn't expect to get anything.. I had waited for just one present those three years before and I never got one, so why should I get one now? And Sammy was too young, he wouldn't even be able to buy something.
"Really? That wouldn't have been necessary, Sammy, I don't want anything," I said softly, smiling sadly at him. Of course I wanted a present but... it would just mean so much more if Dad actually remembered and got me something and not just Sammy remembering his older brother. Hell, I would be ecstatic if he just remembered that he had sons and spent Christmas together as a family – but who was I kidding? That would never happen.
As soon as I finished speaking the happiness vanished from the chubby face and his eyes started to fill with tears. "Not liking? Thought you like.." he whispered quietly, looking down. I sighed and hugged my baby brother tightly, not wanting him to be sad. It was too early for him to be sad - the sadness should stay away from him for as long as possible and I would do everything to keep him happy, even if that meant being unhappy myself. Because Sam's happiness was more important than my own.
"Oh, of course I would like your present, Sam.. But I didn't get anything for you, so that would be unfair, don't you think?" I mumbled and looked at him, hoping to see his face light up again which it did, indeed. He scrambled out of my embrace and swaggered over to the bedroom we were sharing, probably getting his present.
I should have at least gotten something and not just expected that Sam wouldn't even think of it anyways. Now I stood there, without a present, and I just wanted to give him something but I couldn't think of anything. I felt stupid, even my 4 year old brother remembered to get something.
I was pulled out of my train of thoughts as a poorly wrapped box was shoved on my lap. I looked up to see Sam's happy, excited face and smiled a little bit, ruffling his hair. "Thanks, kiddo," I whispered and slowly tore the paper apart, chuckling a bit as I realized that it was just newspaper. Cheap, but effective.
"Uncle helped me to pick, said you like!" Sam beamed at me, still over the moon with his happiness. I chuckled softly and nodded, now everything made sense. We had visited our uncle Bobby a few weeks ago and while I had to stay in bed because I had been seriously ill, Bobby had probably taken Sam shopping. I wouldn't know, I hadn't really noticed anything happening around me because I had such a high fever. It was a wonder that I hadn't died because of that fever, it had been pretty high most of the time, leaving me delirious but still I survived.
As I had torn the last bits of the makeshift wrapping paper apart, my breath got caught in my throat and I felt that I was close to tears. Sam had gotten me a quite simple necklace with a wooden amulet but it still meant the world to me.
"Thank you, Sammy, that's.. I love it," I whispered thickly, pulling him to my chest and hugging him tightly. "That means the world to me, thank you."
"Know and that my present," Sammy whispered, pressing his plump lips against my cheek. And I might just have started crying harder than I ever had before.
*~*
Thinking back to that Christmas I just wanted to start crying again. It had been the best one I've ever had and after that not a single one could get as awesome as that one. Most of the time my only presents after that had been beatings, sometimes just a punch or a kick. I didn't complain, it was... normal, I guess.
For anyone else it would have been horrible but I just had been so used to being abused, not loved, being the punching bag of someone that it didn't occur me that anyone else would experience something else than that. Though it hadn't taken me too long to realize that I was the only one who got beatings for Christmas and his birthday, that everyone else got nice presents. I never talked about it but I was jealous, just for once I had wanted a normal family but I never got one.
*~*
I was younger again, maybe 10 years now. We had just moved and today was my first day in the new school, the first time I would meet my new class mates. I was frightened, I hated getting to know new people and hated not knowing anybody – especially when it was the middle of the year and everybody already had friends.
"Class, quiet!" The teacher yelled over the quite loud class, making me want to vanish in a hole right in this second because instantly all eyes were on me, eyeing me curiously. I felt uncomfortable under their eyes, wanted to run and hide somewhere where nobody could find me.
"Class, this is our new student, Dean Winchester. Do you want to introduce yourself?" he asked me gently, his voice much calmer than it was before. I just shook my head and looked down to the floor, not feeling like talking again. Dad would be mad at me for not talking later but I didn't care right now, I already was anxious and talking wouldn't help at all, since they would probably laugh at my awkward self.
The teacher sighed quietly and nodded, looking at his students. "I expect everyone of you to be nice to him and help him whenever you can. Now, Dean, why don't you go and sit down next to Elijah?Elijah, put your hand up so Dean knows who you are."
I nodded slightly and looked around, walking to the back of the classroom where a brown haired boy sat, probably this Elijah. He looked nice enough and, most importantly, not like he would or even could hurt me.
"Hey," he mumbled quietly and smiled at me, then looked back to the front and concentrated on whatever our teacher was writing on the blackboard. "Hi," I mumbled back and tried to concentrate on whatever was the topic of this class but I didn't understand anything. I sighed and buried my face in my arms, not wanting to be seen or heard ever again.
It had happened so often lately that I didn't get what the teachers tried to teach me, especially when I was changing schools in the middle of the term. The constant moving made it impossible for me to get a proper education and it was quite noticeable in my grades.
"Hey, uhm... Dean? You look like you don't understand that.. Should I explain it to you later?" A quiet, hesitant voice interrupted my thoughts. I lifted my head, quite surprised at anyone talking to me and even shocked as I realized that it had been the kid sitting next to me.. Elijah or something?
"But you don't have to! I mean, forget that I've talked to you," he added quickly, looking back to the front. I sighed and looked down to my papers, biting my bottom lip. "It would be really nice if you could explain that to me.. I don't understand a single word he is saying," I mumble awkwardly, glancing at him. His face lights up again on the instant and he nodded happily. "Okay, that sounds good!"
*~*
Elijah had been my friend, my best friend even for the time that I stayed in that city. We tried to keep in touch after John made us move again but soon we lost contact, something I knew would happen.
But I was still curious to what he was doing now? Was he happy? Did he become more confident? Did he come out to his parents? I just knew from his last letter that he thought he was gay and falling for someone but he also told me that he was too shy and scared to tell that guy because they had been pretty close, according to him.
That had been the last time we talked and I had missed him, he had been the best friend you could ever get. Maybe I could try to contact him again, maybe I could try to find him. I guess Cas would help me and Sammy would help, too.
*~*
"He loves you, Dean!"
This wasn't a memory. I just knew this hadn't happened and I didn't see anything but black.
"He loves you so much and you just don't see it! Hell, you don't even see how much I love you, you are to friggin stubborn to see it! What did we do that you don't realize that you are loved?! We need you!"
I was confused by Sam's words. Who else than him loved me? It was impossible to love me, he just did because he was my brother, he had to love me.
"Cas and I both need you and we are so freaking lost without you here! I.. I just wish you could see that Cas loves you. Maybe you wouldn't have attempted suicide then."
Wait.. Cas loved me?