I could not sleep that night at all and when I finally got out of bed in the morning and went into the bathroom I looked like the monster that I was. Jill came by wanting to go running and all the rest and I said no, emphatically. She could tell I was in a bad mood and left me alone, but she also began to whimper a bit because she knew I was not going to give her any sex that day.
I threw some clothes on and hardly ate anything and then left for the bus. My clothes were all messy and my hair was a mess too. I took a shower but I never really dried myself off much so my clothes were wet. I just didn't care about anything anymore. I think I even forgot my school books. There was only one thing to do and it was to tell Manda, the most beautiful and wonderful girl a guy could ever have, that I was going to leave her.
When I went down to the bus stop and then waited there I just looked at the ground. I didn't want to look at anybody. When the bus arrived I was the last one to enter the bus.
After entering I saw Manda there in her usual seat. She briefly smiled at me but then could tell something was wrong so the smile faded. I sat next to her, as usual, but that was the only thing that was as usual. She was as gorgeous as ever but I could not bring myself to look at her. I could not let her stop me from doing what I had to do. I had to break our bond to save her from me.
"What's wrong, Cole, you look awful," she said.
"Everything", was all I could say.
"Huh?"
"Everything", I repeated.
The ride to the school was quiet. Neither one of us talked. I just looked at the floor. I didn't look at anything else. I could not look at her.
When we arrived at the school and the bus stopped I got up and walked straight off the bus. I stood on the ground and waited for Manda to exit. I looked her in the eyes and caught her gaze as she popped out of the bus and she knew something bad was about to happen. She knew me so well.
"Manda, I, I um, need to tell you something. Let's go off to the side on the grass a ways."
She looked me in the eyes. Tears were falling down my face. I could tell her eyes were starting to well up too. We walked over to a spot about fifty yards from where the busses unloaded, closer to the athletic fields.
I stopped but could not look her in the face. My brief glance at her told me she was in a state of dread already.
"Ma....Manda, I can't.... I can't be your boyfriend anymore," I said hardly able to speak with my voice cracking.
"Wha...What are you saying Cole!", she gasped.
"I...I am breaking up with you," I said with a weakened voice. I could not believe that I would ever say that to her. She was so perfect for me.
"No! No your not, Cole!", she said starting to cry.
"Yes, I am."
"Why? Why? Why", she said with big sobs.
"Because I am no good for you. I... I never told you this, but I am a rapist worse than Tom, a murderer, a terrorist, a sick purverted old man, and a frankenstein monster of sewn together dead parts. There is nothing good about me. You need to find a better boyfriend like George Thompson or Randy Evans or someone like that. I see them looking at you. They are nice guys. Go with them. I am garbage."
"No, Cole! I belong to you and nobody else. Why do you say such horrible lies about yourself? If it wasn't for you I would be dead. You are the nicest most honest and caring guy I have ever met and you are my guy. I don't want anybody else...... Don't do this to me!", she said bending over in big tears.
I was dying inside but had to try to hide it.
"My mind is made up. Please go. Don't sit next to me anymore. I don't want you to be with me anymore," I said and lied.
"No! Your not going to do this to me. I belong to you".
She started coming towards me.
"No Manda! Go away. I don't want you anymore!", I lied.
"No! No", she said. She started kicking me hard I didn't care I let her hit me as hard as she wanted. She even kicked me in the balls. I let he do that too. I did not care.
She suddenly broke down and collapsed on the ground in big sobs. I was crying too, but I tried to hide it by covering my eyes with my hands.
Suddenly she got up and threw her books at me, which fell to the ground and spilled all around. She then ran off, but not into the school but away from the school into the neighborhood. I just stood there and cried.
"Where are you going?" I cried out loud in her direction. She looked back at me all red in the face and covered in tears but did not respond and kept on going. I picked up her books and slowly trudged towards the school.
When I got into the school I went to my locker and put her books into my locker for safekeeping and collapsed in sobs on the floor in front of it. Other kids were walking around me and I could hear some kids whispering stuff and making comments, but I didn't care. I didn't care about anything.
Eventually the hallways got quiet as kids had gone to their homerooms. I just continued to sit on the floor.
"Hey you!", I heard someone say. I looked up and it was a teacher. "You should be in homeroom. Do you want a detention!"
"Go to Hell!", was all I said.
"What did you say?", he said.
"Go to Hell! Go to Hell! Go to Hell! Don't you have ears! How many times do I need to repeat it!', I yelled at the teacher.
I then stood up. At 6 foot 2" and all muscle I towered over him.
"Are going to go to the Principle's office with me?," he said.
"No, I am going to leave the building", I said.
"Your not allowed to do that. Who are you? Your that Cole Hammond kid, right? The one that put half the football team in the hospital earlier this year, right?" he asked.
"Yes, and leave me alone. You don't want any trouble," I said.
"I don't want any trouble.... You don't want any trouble. What's wrong with you?", he said.
"I just broke up with my girlfriend, the most beautiful and nicest girl in all the world. I feel like I want to die."
"Why did you do that. It sounds like you still want her."
There was a long pause where I did not say anything.
"Of course I still want her, but I am no good for her. I am a monster. She deserves better, and I want her to find somebody else."
"Hey you, I am no expert at human relationships as I am divorced myself, but don't you think that is her choice and not yours?", he said coming closer to me. Tears were streaming down my face.
"She can't make the choice because she does not really know me and can't know me", I said.
I looked at his face for a long time but could not think of anything to say.
"I gotta go......please", was all I eventually said
"Okay", he said. "Where are you going?"
"Someplace to think. I need a walk"
"I'm not supposed to let you go without a note or something from your parents."
"I have to get out of here", I said.
"I'll probably get in trouble but I will let you go," he eventually said. "Just tell me where you are going so I can tell your parents."
"I am going to walk down to the beach."
"Alright," he said, and I walked off and went straight out the door. I then turned and slowly walked down to the beach which was about eight miles away. It was the longest walk I ever took. I cried most of the way.
When I arrived at the beach I just walked through the sand until I got to the part that was hard and damp with seawater, sat down, and watched the waves.
I remembered saving Manda's life here. I nearly died myself but I would do anything for her and searched underwater for her body the longest time until I was about to breath in water. Of course she had a melt down and was really pissed off at me afterwards for making out with her in the water, but I loved her more than life itself and she started it. We were a great couple and had loads of fun here and on our Adam and Eve dates.
I remembered saying to myself while I was trying to save her that if I was not able to save her I would just swim out to sea and drown myself because I did not want to live without her.
Here I am just a few months later and dumping her when all she wanted was to stay with me. That would not make any sense except for one big change in my life: The Secret of the Neurosynths. That destroyed me.
I just sat there in the sand the longest time.
Suddenly there was a lot of noise coming from the parking lot and someone started to honk a horn frantically. I could not help but come out of my stupor and look in that direction.
What I saw surprised me. There was Jill standing by her car in the parking lot looking at me and waving her arms frantically. Something was wrong.
I got up, and instinctively ran over to her. Her face was ashen.
"Cole, I have very bad news. Mrs. Westbrook just called me at the house. Manda tried to kill herself. She is in very bad shape. The EMTs that came to the Westbrook home took her away, but they don't think she is going to live. The school told me you would be here."