A/N - If your reading this book backwards check chapter Chapter 52/Him/Mummy Vada where we meet Pixel for the first time. Picture/Video Roomba Ballet.
22 seconds into the future: Area formally known as Vermilion Sands New Mexico.
I looked out of the hatch and It was a bit hard to process.
"What do you see?" said Rockwood on a collar.
We were surrounded by robots. It looked like we had the made a supersonic boom of a Roomba's mating call and this had attracted every mobile floor sweeping robot in the southwest.
"err,Well call me mad but it's like we are surrounded by Roombas, millions of them," I said.
"Feral Roombas? You sure? coz wild dogs I can handle" said Rockwood.
"No Roombas, unless someone's done something unspeakable with a steam press to all the wild dogs in the area," I said.
"Roombas Oh $hit. There was me thinking with my piloting skills we could get out of this alive. At this point I'd accept mad, insanity would really be a better option than Roombas. Are you sure You didn't bang your head during the landing?" Rockwood said his voice a challanging mixture of desperation and dispare.
"No I've checked for black spots before my eyes, I'm looking at Roombas," I said.
"Dam I was really rooting for brain damage. OK, don't make any sudden moves. Just slowly get back into the plane. Don't make a sound. And don't, DON'T whatever you do anything to provoke them." Master said.
'Wonderful I have to be the one living in the world where we don't offend cleaning utensils' I thought. I slowly started to crouch to get back in. As I did this dislodged a few grains of sand and the robots began to move menacingly. I stopped and they stopped. This didn't feel safe. Very slowly like the hands of a clock I started sinking, I bent down and got back into the plane. Almost lying down, the door half shut, I was able to look out and see a bit more closely. They were keeping a perfect circle away from the wreckage. Then I saw in the distance more robots coming over a hill slowly joining the crowd that surrounded us. Trust my luck to crash at the Roomba equivalent of the Burning Man Festival.
"What the kcuf are they?" I whispered as I got out of sight.
He looked at me and said nothing.
"Sir" I added, was he really going to do the whole master and servant business now?
"Ferrel Roomba robots. They were rescued from humans homes as war heroes, but they only have about the intelligence of a dog who's swallowed an iPhone then listened to too much NPR radio. That's not enough to be counted as a functioning sentient robot under the New Mechanical Order. Without millions of homes to clean, the grand council decided they were without purpose and labelled them as surplus and to be recycled." He said not looking at my but instead checking the sleeping Kayla. " There was a rumour going around that, the disposal, couldn't bring themselves to do it. The slaves slaves they used, refused they felt it was breaking the first law. I heard they secretly shipped them somewhere to the wild, given them solar panels and released them into the wild. The central processing unit guessed they were being kept very busy keeping the desert dust free and believed they were happy. So it gave them a low priority for action." he said taking Kayla's pulse with his fingers.
"Really?" I said
"Well, there was another rumour they had promptly broken out of a high-security jail and formed themselves into an elite group of mercenaries for hire on the L.A Underground. I pointed out that was just the plot behind the A team so the whole thing was lost in mystery. Looks like with out any natural preditors they survived."
"Well this this ends the idea, that nature abours a vacuum. Hang on ...So how do domestic cleaning robots fired a missile?" I said. I don't think before the robot apocalypse I would have even considered saying that, times change.
Rockwood tilted his head for a second in consideration. "No, they are not that smart or organised. It's a bit like being taken down by cannon fire from a group of well-trained cats, both unlikely and if true, embarrassing. I doubt it was them. Still, this is not a good situation. My dad used to say never underestimate the slaughter power of valley of aggravated vacuum cleaners."
"He used to say that?" I said.
"No that's cyborg irony, I'm using digital air quotes." said Rockwood " I get like that in situations of my imminent death. "
"Look they are only cleaning robots what can they do sweep us to death?" I said.
"The New Mechanical Order weaponised them to act as house spies, saboteurs and fifth columnists. Get one riled and they can self-destruct. They dump all the current from the battery and go up like a Roman candle. You don't want to be around when that happens. They can reverse the current on the charger and dump that current in you and fry you. One or two your OK but that many it's just a wall of death. Do you want to know what all monsters hiding under your bed went? You've just been looking at them " said Rockwood wiping Kayla's forehead.
"So we're surrounded by wild, weaponised Roombas? That sounds like my idea of a fun weekend" I said.
I went over and plugged my collar into the wall. Then moments later the lights went and my collar.
"That wasn't me was it?" I said nervously looking around in the dark.
"My best guess is they have tapped into the lithium-air batteries, must have sensed the electricity. They are trying to feed on it" said Rockwood.
There was a weird fusion between a bang a thud.
"That's the sound of the plane's batteries being dumped into one of them. That's one down 96,572 to go."
"OK, so not good. What can we do?" I said
"Hang tight for the moment. I can project a Bluetooth no -sweep barrier but I don't know for how long. It's hard to predict what they are going to do. When they start to flock they behave weirdly. I've seen videos of them sweep entire towns out of existence. You don't want to be in front of them if they stampede."
Trust me to be the one in high heels I can't take off, running before a stampede of wild weaponised Roombas. In this case, Rockwood was no better. The Kama llama is so balancing the books.
"What happens if there is no barrier?"
"They see the plane as something which needs to be tidied. We created a huge gash when we landed. If you look out the window they are using small rocks to fill it. Eventually, they will start to tidy the plane and then tidy us. We need to look for weapons to protect us." said Rockwood.
I could hear them outside.
"The Roombas are restless," said Rockwood looking at me the added "Don't' worry they wouldn't attack so early, they needed more charge to be lethal. They will spend most of the morning basking like lizards."
I started to look for something to use as a weapon. I found a crowbar and a very sharp looking raw carrot. Rockwood took the crowbar, while I got the sharp carrot. That kind of defined slavery for me. While I was looking I asked Siri how far we were from the nearest settlement.
'180 miles', came the result.
I wondered what my chances walking 180 miles in 4 inch highs stilettos heels in blistering temperatures were? Answer, 'low'. There goes my best chance to run away, I wouldn't leave Kayla like this anyway. I was on 25% battery. I guess my GPS fix and punishments had taken a huge amount. I checked Kayla's collar she was on 20%. The collar shock which started her heart must have drained her's.
"How long until someone gets here to rescue us...Master?" I asked
"They will be doing a search along the flight plan. The missiles made me pull off, they were smart they made me deviate then had another set up along my best escape route. Given the space lets say 36 hours tops" he said.
"Kayla's on 20%. At 5% She'll go into low power mode at 2% she's dead again. This gives us about 3.21 hours Master" I said. This was getting serious I was sounding like the love child of Spock from Star Trek and Anastasia Steele from Fifty Shades.
"The Roomba's will attack before that. Their solar-powered so they need the sun higher to have enough charge to attack.
"I have a plan?" I said.
"What? You have a plan? You don't do plans, I do the plans" said Rockwood.
"Well, I'm the only mobile one so I get to do the plans". I said
"Really? So What is this brilliant plan of yours," he said.
"Well it's a bit stupid but if it works it works and if it doesn't I don't want you to look at my corpse thinking I told you so," I said.
"I wouldn't do that," said Rockwood
"No ?"
"No, I'd think what a beautiful corpse to whom I had told them so," said Rockwood.
"You can be so reassuring. I'm going outside I just need a sweeping brush and a rechargeable battery.
I looked for them.
"I think you should tell me the plan no matter how dumb and I'll do it." said Rockwood.
"Well, I can't let you. First law and all that. Master."
"I thought you di-nay believe in that First law crap?" said Rockwood.
"I don't, but I do think your Kayla's best chance to live. Anyway, I'm finding it impossible to hate you so I think I'm out of a job. "
"You're an e-slave, yer sassanac wench. You can't be fired, you can't leave your job." He said upon his stubs of legs. Rockwood looking up to my navel, I could get used to looking down on him like this, perhaps with stilts, I had a chance.
"OK, I'm going out now. It's a shame I don't have an exploding collar, I could take a few with them. Master"
"I'll put that on my customer feedback form when I send it in" Rockwood promised.
"You send those things in?" I said.
"Always," he said. Yeah, that sounded like me.
"I'll be back," I said then I walked slowly out.
**
I climbed out of the plane through the escape hatch. I could see the wild Roombas moving, getting ready to attack. I'd took the brush and began to sweep up. Beneath the thin layer of dust was old airport tarmac. I told m self 'I can do this', yeh me as the young Lara Croft, BTW how often did she die in that game?
I took the brush and did the same kind of complex route I'd seen Pixel do in room 404. As I swept I got closer and closer to the edge where they stood. The Roombas didn't move just watched. I kept following Pixel's sweeping strategy. I got to the edge of the barrier and carried on. As I moved they began to move out of the way. I continued.
"MESSAGE FROM MASTER: How's it going?<zing>," said my collar.
"MESSAGE FROM Jenny: They're not attacking" I sent back.
"MESSAGE FROM MASTER Well done whatever it is. Be careful<zing>"
I stood still as a buzzard stopped circling overhead and landed next to a Roomba nearby. It watched me in a calculated way, then suddenly the Roomba lept up and went for the buzzard's neck. There was the smell of electricity and burnt buzzard. In minutes several Roomba ripped the bird apart then spent more time hoovering the feathers. I nervously grasped my self-defence carrot.
Eventually, I stopped sweeping. I was surrounded by them now. They could have easily overwhelmed me. They paused for a second and I began to do the movements Pixel did when looking for a plug to charge from. They kept getting out of the way. Then one turned around and offered me his charge terminal. This was the move that Pixel danced to indicate she needed charging. once Pixel brought a friend I called Pixellet. I had noticed that sometimes a well-charged robot would buddy charge a low charge one. One of them turned around and I put the battery to the terminals to charge. I lay there for ages slowly charging.
"Weird isn't it?" I said over the radio.
"What?" said Rockwood.
"How we end up being our parents," I said.
"Really"
"Yeh I mean here I am like my mum cleaning up while back indoors your like my second stepdad, legless and with another woman on her back," I said.
"LOL," said Rockwood.
Eventually, my collar told me it was charged and I moved back into a sweeping motion this time moving back to the escape hatch. After being very slow and careful I got back in.
"We have power!" I announced eating my self-defence implement.
I went over and charged Kayla's collar. Then sat down and let Rockwood hold the wires while I was charged.
"How's that?" he said.
"About 24 hours of charge," I said. I was irritated I had a mouth cut from a sharp root vegetable.
"My plan time, could you do it again?" said Rockwood.
"Yes, I guess I could do my impression of a Roomba." hang on isn't that what we would technically call being a cleaner? Technically the Roombas are doing an impression of me.
"Then I have a plan. Get some rest and drink some water. You have a phone connection you can walk up that hill and call for help" said Rockwood.
"In these shoes?" I said. It looked like a big hill. It sounded like a simple plan. Like - we will walk to the south pole and back what could be less complex than that? Unfortunately, simple plans turn out to be the roads to unfortunate and terrifying results...
I looked at Kayla she was coming too. I went over and knelt by her.
"I thought I had lost you," I said quietly.
"Did you check your pockets?" said Kayla.
I'd found a sponge which I used to soak up the blood. Rockwood took it and squeezed it into a cup then used his fangs to drink.
"Vampires," I said to Kayla.
"I'm not a vampire, I'm a sanguinarian," said Rockwood. He looked down "Normally I hate drinking leftovers but it's not bad," he said looking like he was drinking a glass of fine wine. I could see the LEDs down his back starting to flash faster.
"The good news is Kayla has recovered faster than I had hoped. She's OK enough for me to inject a microsurgery robots into her. With them I can get some of the last internal bleeding stopped, then she can be moved. All you have to do is the slightly dangerous task of walking up the hill to get better reception" said Rockwood.
He loaded up a microsurgery robot from the medical kit into a syringe to inject it. The robot was tiny.
"Is this going to hurt Master?" asked Kayla.
"With the amount of pain I'm blocking in your collar, you could have an Elephant dance the tango on you and you wouldn't notice," said Rockwood.
"OK," said Kayla as fell asleep.
"It's quiet out there," I said.
"Almost too quiet. " he said "I don't trust them. They are up to something".
I crawled over to him and kissed him.
"What was that?" said Rockwood slightly surprised.
"That was my number 8 kiss for luck. If I die out there I didn't what you to hear about it second hand" I said, then brush in hand walked out. My earring went from orange to pink with fear.
"What do you see?" said Rockwood over my collar.
The plane was surrounded by even more Roombas practically as far as the eye could see.
"The Roombas have brought some more of their friends to the party," I said softly.
"You sure know how to be reassuring," said Rockwood.
***
A few hours later I had swept the outside of the plane's wreckage. I was talking to Rockwood while he operated on Kayla.
"OK, I have picked up some larger bits and forming a pile in front the Roombas. I think they had come to the conclusion I'm not a threat." I whispered.
"Good," said Rockwood. It was that kind of 'good' people say when you're on the phone but you know they are using a laptop or something while you're talking to them. In this case, he was operating on Kayla, so I didn't mind.
"I'm going up the hill now. How do.... they... make these hill things so big?" I said.
I started to sweep in a Pixel fashion. If this was a real Disney cyber princesses I could just sing to them and one happy song later I would be out of trouble. However, me being she without the voice upgrade I have to sweep my way to safety. Good to know I could save the day with my ninja cleaning skills.
"You're quiet," said Rockwood.
"I hope Senpai will notice me not complaining," I said. It was hot. I had a feeling the plan might work and realizing the good news was that Villeria's holiday was ruined. Humanity saved through ruined vacation!
I was followed up the nearby hill by about 50 curious Roombas. From the top, there was one bar signal strength on my collar and send a rescue text. My once high tech pristine shining silicon outfit was now dull and dusty ( I was so pleased #DEC would be so angry me looking like this) . When I got to the top of the hill I was shocked by a sight.
"OMG are you getting this?" I said looking down the other side. "It's some kind of attack".
On the other side of the hill in the distance was a NMO vehicle. It was also surrounded by more wild Roombas. I used my bracelet to be a screen for my collar cam. By zooming in I could see what was going on. The vehicle was surrounded by a number of robot bodies. There was one combat robot left which was left firing rapidly into the ground around itself. Then their gun must have jammed or run out of bullets or something. The robot stood there frozen in a kind of "oh shit' moment. Then the surrounding Roombas attacked. They scrambled over each other to sting the robot. It flailed for a moment and was completely covered in solar-powered cleaners. There were so many Roombas there it looked like an ocean covered in black oil. Eventually, the robot beneath the black sea stopped moving. The Roombas chewed on it for a while and I saw part of a tentacle being dragged away to fill a hole.
I slowly turned around to the gaggle of machines which had followed me up the hill.
"hello pixel guys!" I said in my most friendly voice. Now I was terrified. I didn't even have a self-defence carrot.
I got down on my hands and knees and started sweeping up with the brush. While I did I sent the text that Rockwood had given me. I followed Pixel's cleaning pattern. The Roombas started cleaning as well and they had clearly decided I was just another model of floor-sweeping machine. There was a noise behind me. I turned around sweeping. The vehicle the other robots had arrived in was clearly being dismantled along with the occupants. Some of the Roombas on the hill with me got bored and started to go downhill to join the others chewing up the vehicle. Eventually, I got a message back from someone called "LJ", "Rescue team coming to your coordinates".
Very slowly and very carefully I began to make my way back down the hill. I swept around the plane again climbed back into the wreckage but still managed to break my heel doing it.
Rockwood was talking to Kayla."You're going to be fine" he said. Feeling her head.
"I like you, your only a little bit evil Master." said Kayla.
"You're bleeding," I said noticing the blood running down his thigh.
Rockwood looked down.
"Your bleeding Master" he corrected " and you are right. In all the excitement I didn't notice," he said.
"I know you. I know you. You're my little pixey friend" said Kayla looking at me.
"Ignore her the medication is making her a spaced out," said Rockwood.
"If you can take your trousers off I'll have a look master," I said.
"Oooooh," said Kayla.
He suffered a nasty gash crawling out of the flight deck. I had seen what he had done to the flight deck. Metal bent back like an alien birth. He had been in quite a hurry to get out of there. He stood there solidly while I sewed the wound up with a needle and thread.
"it's a shame about the people that came to rescue us... Master," I said
"That wasn't the rescue team. They were here to finish us off" Rockwood said.
"How can you be so sure?" I said pulling his flesh together.
"I've scanned through your collar cam stream. Robot military units wouldn't attach US Army missile launcher to their vehicle. The same kind of missile which shot us down. They were there in case I managed to eject out. Clearly, the whole thing was designed to look like a rogue human attack. You said the crew were all tidied?"
"Yes. By the time I got out the tank was half tidied as well" I said
"No evidence but Poor them"
"They were trying to kill you ?"
"The Roombas would explain why so few American migrants managed to get to Mexico. The wild Roombas must be living on the obvious routes south" he said.
"Well good news is the humans nearly got you? ... Master" I said getting back to my role as head of mockery.
"No. Someone knew I was leaving the capital. Someone who knew I would be flying south. Someone who could guess or find out my flight plan. My guess is it would be General Bitstream. I thought he was just trying to get me out of the capital. I knew it was a trap but I didn't realize it was an assassination plot. It looks like the New-humanists really want to get their bill through. My invite to the opening must have shaken them. I can figure the rest out when I get reconnected to my compute farm. " said Rockwood.
"Don't listen to master monologue," said Kayla.
"That's a shame," I said biting the thread with my teeth.
"What exactly?" said Rockwood.
"I thought I would enjoy sticking a needle in you more," I said
I finished the sewing and got a cloth and began cleaning the wound. While Rockwood pulled his trousers up I noticed the Wifi led on Kayla's collar came on. Moments later I heard another Osprey arriving. I looked out of the escape hatch. The dust thrown up by the twin blades was making the wild Roombas agitated.
Over the wifi I could hear the collective seething with the word"no! Mess!" from them.
"We better hurry up. Master" I said.
The Osprey plane didn't land but just hovered loudly above us. A stretcher was lowered down on a rope and Rockwood lifted Kayla up and put her on it. The Roombas were finally riled and started tidying the wreckage of our plane. I was like an earthquake. I could feel them biting through the fabric of the plane.
"You next Master. First law and all that" I said. I didn't mean it I just thought with his injury he should go next.
"I know you don't mean it and I'm not giving you an obvious means of escape. You're next" said Master. The rope came down and he slung it under my arms. The Roombas were in a frenzy now the plane was slowly sinking. I climbed into the open door of the plane as quickly as I could, then they dropped the rope down one more time. As the rope got close Rockwood just jumped up grabbed it and proceed to pull himself up hand over hand up the rope. Beneath him, the Roombas and plane disappeared in a wall of dust. As we took off the site cleared and I could see Roombas filling in the gouges in the ground we had made during 'landing' with plane parts.
Wifi was on and I was geofenced, trapped again. That was probably my best chance of escape. All I had to do was kill him, let my friend die, walk through a hundred miles of desert hunted by robots and with the danger of deranged killer Roombas to an uncertain safety. Wow was that really as good as it got - why didn't I take that?
One thing I knew I would never be angry at Pixel again. I smiled, Villeria would be deeply unhappy no Rockwood and possibly no vote, Rockwood didn't strike me as the consolation prize vote kind of guy. He got what he wanted.
Rockwood leant over. It was loud in the plane but he spoke to me over my collar so I could hear him perfectly.
"In a few weeks, there will be an opening of the new art Gallery of humanity. I'm one of the few cyborgs to be invited and I can bring my significant other. I was thinking of asking Villeria but now I realize I want you to come instead. You'd have to go as my pet but would you come?"
"Is that an order?" I asked him.
"It' will be once you say yes. It will be full of Co- labs but I would like you to be there with me" he said "oh and show me that number eight kiss again" he said.
I followed orders as we went home.
****
Thanks for reading We should hit 150,000 reads by the time this chapter is out ( can you believe it? We can't - OK puny next to the 1.5 million reads of a certain book near by but we are constantly amazed that anyone is the kind of crazy people we are ) thanks to all the wonderful comments, thank you thank you for your wonderful votes but most of all thanks for reading.
Join us this Thursday/Friday for another thrilling adventure of Jenny Banks and the horrible enslavement of humanity by evil robot overlords ( working title for the radio version ) with chapter 64 The Mystery of Lady Zola.
Hugs RK+Reb.