Edited:
Published: Monday, November 2nd 2015 2:01 pm
Ayah:
September 23rd
"Ayah, you're doing too much."
"Sit down."
"Why are you eating that? It's not good for the baby."
Those are just a couple of phrases I've heard in the last two weeks since the doctors visit. I love that he cares, I do, but I really just need some space right now. With all the worrying he's doing--claustrophobia is setting in. The only time I have to myself is when he goes to practice, but even then he tries to drop me off with his family so I won't be bored by myself. I love them, I really do, but we can't keep doing this. Yes I realize I'm pregnant, but he's treating me like glass.
I even had to get up early today just to make myself something to eat. For the last few weeks, he's cooked, cleaned, and tried multiple times to put me to sleep like a baby. That was before I threatened to kick him out. So here I am, early in the morning before Fajr, cooking myself something to eat. Until...
"Ayah!" He exclaimed, jogging over from the hallway to take the spatula from my hands. "Why are you cooking?"
I glared at him, then reached for the spatula, but he kept a tight grip on it.
"I'm hungry," I said through gritted teeth. I then raised my eyebrows and held out my hand. "Can I have that back please."
"So you can stand too close to the stove?" He scoffed. "Yeah, in your dreams. I'll cook this, and you can go relax on the couch."
"I'd rather cook," I objected, reaching for the spatula again, but he gave me a look, wrapped an arm around my waist and lead me to the couch. If I wasn't so tired, I would have fought him for it. That omelet looks so good.
As I was sat down in the couch, I turned to look at him with a glare. Sensing my anger, Jafar sat down beside me, taking my hand in his and rubbed small circles on the back. I would be lying if I said that didn't calm me down a notch.
"I only want what's best for both of you," He said, which made me smile a little.
"I know," I sighed. "But you're treating me like I'll break. I won't. I can still be my normal self even if I am pregnant."
"You're not going to hurt yourself?"
I let out a small laugh, but shook my head nonetheless. "Not on purpose. I'm kidding!" I reassured him when he began to protest. "Now," I successfully took the spatula from him and stood up. "I'm going to go cook my probably burnt omelet. And if it makes you feel better, you can cook with me."
Jafar broke out into a smile before standing up and placing an arm around my shoulders, then lead us in the direction of the kitchen.
-*-
Jafar:
"We have to go see him," Wasim stated as he met me outside the gym, a deep frown on his face.
I regarded him for a second before putting my bag in the trunk of my car. "And why is that?"
I motioned for Wasim to follow me, and we both got into the front seat of my car. As soon as he sat down, he pulled a envelope from his pocket and passed it to me.
"I found it this morning in the mail. He's not telling us anything."
Davis County Hospital Cancer Ward
As I read those words, I didn't know what to say.
"He has cancer?" I asked in a low voice, and Wasim nodded, a painful expression on his face.
"I confronted my Ummi about it. She admits to knowing about it, but insisted that he wanted to tell us. She was sworn to secrecy."
"Wasim," I sighed, looking at him with my face blank. "Why wouldn't he have told us by now?"
"He's planning to tell us soon. He's been in pretty bad shape now and wanted us to come when he was feeling better. I think we should go."
"I don't know about that," I said honestly. I feel bad that he's going through this and all, but I really just can't bring myself to see him.
"What do you mean? I tell you he has cancer and you're still not sure. Jafar!"
"It's not as easy for me as it is for you," I told him, but he just scowled at me. "You didn't have to witness what he did."
"I didn't have to witness it?" He repeated in disbelief, and I but my tongue. I completely forgot that he had to witness it too. "I lived it too."
"I know," I said, trying to come up with something that didn't make me sound like a total idiot. "But you have to understand..."
"No," He shook his head in anger, then opened the door and got out. "I don't have to understand anything. Our father is dying and you have to think about things. You talk about what he did to you, but you're doing the same. Understand that."
And with that, he was gone, and I didn't blame him.
-*-
I avoided going back to Ayah's house since then. I avoided anybody in sight, really. I just needed time to think--a lot of time--facing people wasn't what I wanted to do at the moment. For the two weeks that I've been back, and known about my fathers condition, not once have I made a move to go see him. Granted I didn't know how bad it was, but it still doesn't change the way I feel.
So I went to the place I did my best thinking. Well, second best. The gym. When I was a teenager and had the same issues with my father, I would go to the gym and shoot around for a while. The feeling of the ball leaving my hands and making its way into the basket was what kept me going. Everytime I shot the ball I could hear the cheers of the crowd as our lead expanded.
"Still miss it?" Jake asked from the doorway, a bag of basketballs on his shoulder. I shrugged and shot again, smiling as that feeling came back.
"I guess I do," I nodded. When he was about to leave, I called him back. "What happened to you in the last ten years? You just...left."
I've been thinking about this for a while. When Jake left he didn't stay in contact with anyone from the team. We all fell apart.
Jake then gave me a look that said he knew this question was coming, which in turn I pursed my lips and sat down. He came and sat besides me.
"I understand what happened, Jake, I was there. But you just went into a very..."
He put a hand up for me to stop. "I was in a dark place. When she..." He swallowed hard "...died, I lost it. I won't apologize for that. It was normal for someone in my place to feel like that."
"But are you back, Jake?"
He let out a deep sigh before standing. "Almost, but not yet."
Once he left, I stood back up and continued to shoot. And as the ball left my hands, my worries started to fade.
-*-
She was gone when I came back to the house. All the lights were off, and the door locked when I came back. It was almost Maghrib so she couldn't have gone far. But I knew where she must be. It didn't slip my notice how smothered she felt by my worrying. I was gone a year; I couldn't help it.
After going through all the obstacles that it too to get to the lake, I saw her under that same tree, a book sat on her knee, and a pen in hand. I smiled in amusement at her concentration. Every time I see her writing, it makes me happy to know that she's so passionate about it. Just like I was with singing.
"You found me," She smiled, closing up her book and fixing her scarf. I smiled at her and went forward to sit next to her.
"I did."
"The house was quiet, but I wanted to be alone and write. And no, I won't go and rest because I took so many unnecessary steps."
I let my head back and laughed as I remembered my exact words the other day. "You wanted to walk in town for most of the day. That is classified as unnecessary."
"Whatever," She smiled and sat up a little, her small bump slightly poking out. "So," She started, bringing me out of my staring. "How was practice? You were gone for a while."
I couldn't help but debate about telling her what Wasim told me. I still have the hospital note folded in my pocket, yet to be read by even me. I just can't bring myself to do it. Because reading it will make me care; something I don't want to feel. But if I don't, it means I don't; something that will make me just like him. Sensing my hesitation, Ayah placed a hand over mine with a frown.
"Jafar, what is it?"
I reluctantly took out the note with a sigh, and handed it to her. It wasn't long before her eyes widened.
"Oh, Allah. It's this bad?"
I nodded. "Yes. And Wasim and I had a huge fight about going to see him."
Her frown deepened. "You don't want to," It was more of a statement than a question. I just shrugged. "Jafar, don't you want to make amends?"
"It never said he was going to die," I told her, but it seemed like I was trying to convince myself.
"How would you know unless you see for yourself? Besides, I don't think they would release that type of information through a letter."
"Maybe. But I just...don't know. I really don't know."
"Do you want me to go with you? I can."
I smiled at her gratefully. "I don't even want to go."
"He's your father."
"He has a funny way of showing it," I muttered, but she heard me nonetheless. I could tell by the look she was giving me. "It doesn't sound logical to anyone who doesn't know or has been in my shoes."
"What about Wasim?" She asked, and I froze. Speechless. Because the truth is, he knows very well about what I've gone through. He's living it too, yet he still had forgiveness for him. Or at least can go and see him.
"He wants me to go. He was actually upset that I didn't want to go after hearing the news."
"You know," Ayah smiled sadly, "If my father was still alive, I would jump at anything to make amends before he left this world for good. I'm not saying that that is going to happen to yours, but that's just...me."
"I understand that. But I just...can't."
"You can!" She exclaimed. "You're not him. By not going to see him, you're turning into him."
I smiled at her. "You sound like Wasim."
She rolled her eyes but continued anyway. "My point is that, don't let what he did to you stop you from being a good person. Don't be him."
Despite my earlier feelings, she is making it even harder for me to feel hate towards him. Really hard.
-*-
September 25th
Ever since Jafar and I talked the other day, I've noticed how quiet and out of it he's been. Always thinking about how to solve the problems that are happening right now, and a lot of them aren't even his own. Even though he hasn't told me those problems, I could guess on my own what they are. Just by how he's affected by them, all of them tell a story.
Yesterday when I was talking to Jamila, she was very distant and secretive. She has been like that lately, but I know it's the pressure she has put on herself that's bothering her. And to top it off, Um Jafar had a talk with Jafar and his father about Jamila, none of which is probably good. Then there is the fight with Wasim that he told me about. They've already been close over the years. And for them to have a falling out is big. Then there is still the baby and I, and even though money isn't a worry, there's still all the planning for a baby that needs to be done. Alhamdulillah Mama hadn't suspected us being here, which gives her more time to be where she is. Uncle Yaman is back home, and hopefully he convinces her to stay with them.
Then there is the basketball season that's coming up. Granted it doesn't start until mid to early November; he and Jake have to get the team prepared. After all, the whole county is counting on them to continue the Riverside High legend. And to top it off the biggest problem of all, Jafar's father has been released from the hospital, but Jafar is still not able to bring himself to visit him.
I hate this for him. I didn't join their family for a while, but our families have always been close. I've known about what Mr. Ibrahim put his family through. I know what he put Jafar through. But if he doesn't get some type of closure, it's going to eat him up. And that's worst than hate.
And now here we are, a couple towns over where Safeer and Annie live for Jum'aa. There isn't a Masjid in Riverside for us to attend, so from time to time, we travel to different cities that have one. This time I thought he could use the distraction of my family. Especially from Safeer. He hosts the annual basketball tournament with some other brothers in the neighborhood, and have drafted Jafar. Hopefully this takes his mind off of...things.
-*-
"Ayah, look at your little bump! We're going to be mommy's together!" Annie squealed, running over to give me a tight squeeze. The whole day we've been here, she's been the happiest I've ever seen her. Granted I've only seen her a total of two times, this is the happiest she's been.
"Pregnancy has put my sister in a good mood," Kareema, Annie's sister commented, smirking in her direction. "I don't know why though."
"When you see all the cute baby clothes in the store, you'll know what I'm talking about," Annie retorted, then turned and beamed a bright smile at me. "You have seen all the cute clothes, haven't you?"
I shook my head sadly. "No. I was going to make plans soon though."
"We could go now," She stated
"I don't know..." I began to protest, but she grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the backyard where the men were conversating. It consisted of my Uncle Naim, Safeer, Jafar, a couple of Annie's relatives, and some close friends. As we made our entrance, the conversations stopped, and all eyes turned to us. I didn't miss Annie's small blush at the attention either.
Safeer stood up from where he was talking to Jafar and his father, and with a smile, he came towards us.
"How may I help you ladies?"
"We want to go shopping," Annie declared, raising a challenging eyebrow at my cousin. He just shook his head with a chuckle.
"Annie, the nursery is full of clothes. How many more do you need?"
"Not for me," She rolled here eyes before pointing in my direction. "For Ayah."
At the sound of my name, Jafar looked up and eyed me in amusement.
Safeer laughed again and turned to me. "Is this true, Ayah, or is my wife setting me up again?"
Annie blushed at the name, but nonetheless hit him on the arm playfully. "We're going," She grabbed my hand and started backing up. "See you during the game."
We were halfway out the door when Safeer called after us. "Wait!" Safeer exclaimed, making Annie sigh.
"So close," She muttered, but stepped back inside and smiled sweetly. "Yes?"
"Whose all going?"
"Me, Ayah and Kareema?"
He regarded her for a second, before he turned towards the men. "I'll see you guys at the park," Then he turned and smiled at us. "I'm going with you."
"But this is a girls event," Annie responded, smirking slightly. But Safeer just played along.
"Okay, how about you take your brother Saeed?"
She turned to look at her younger brother in horror, before turning back and smiling in defeat at Safeer. He grinned in triumph. "I thought so. So, ladies," He extended a hand towards the front room. "Shall we?"
"I'll be right back," I told them, shaking my head as I went towards where Jafar is talking to my Uncle.
"Habibti Ayah!" Uncle Naim exclaimed in excitement, wrapping his arms around me in a hug.
"Salaam," I smiled as we pulled back. "And how are you?"
"I'm wonderful, Masha Allah. Especially now that my favorite neice is here."
I grinned at him. "I'm your only neice."
He shrugged. "Still my favorite. And how is life going?"
I looked over to Jafar who was already smiling at me before answering. "It's great, thanks for asking."
"Always. Please excuse me. I have to go help your Aunt with the food before she notices I left."
I nodded at him. "You better hurry. She was pulling pans out of the oven before we walked in."
His face paled as he looked at the door leading into the house and gulped. "Oh dear..."
As soon as he left, I turned to Jafar with a small smile. "Having fun?"
"Yep," He nodded. "You?"
"Mmhm. Actually, Annie wants to take me baby shopping. Did you want to come?"
"No. You should have some girl time."
I scrunched my nose up. "Safeer will be there."
He let out a laugh. "Yeah. I'm going to refrain from saying anything on account of us just making nice."
"I'm happy to hear that."
"Ayah?" Safeer yelled from the door. "You coming?"
"One sec," I called back before turning back to Jafar. Are you sure you don't want to come?"
"Yes," He laughed and pointing towards the door. "Go."
-*-
"What about this one? This has to be the one?"
I shook my head at Annie, quite tired of doing the gesture. The whole time we've been in here, she's been trying to get me to buy clothes for the baby with the thought of 'early planning.' Kareema was right; pregnancy made her happier.
"Annie, I don't even know what I'm having, neither do you. I think it's best that we wait on clothing until we know for sure."
"But it's adorable," She protested, holding up a hot pink onsie with a built in tutu. It is pretty, but it's going to be really awkward if I have a boy.
Safeer cleared his throat.
"Hey Annie, the game starts in less than an hour."
Annie ignored her husband and held up the suit in front of them. "Isn't this cute?"
"Yes," He nodded quickly. "It's adowable, but so are all of the other ones you already bought."
"One more couldn't hurt."
"Anwara Sakina Yasin Hammad, let's go. We've been here for hours looking at a bunch of baby apparel!"
Annie put the onsie back with a sigh before turning to her sister.
"Reema, the point of us coming here was to look at baby stuff. Don't complain."
"I'm just saying--"
"Well don't," Annie snapped, and Safeer stepped in the middle of them, his eyes wide.
"Okay you two. That's enough."
"Why don't we just head back?" I suggested and everyone turned to me, Safeer's expression thankful. "I don't know about you, but Aunt Rabiya's cooking is still Implanted into my nostrils."
"Good idea," Annie said and reached for Safeer's hand. "Let's go."
-*-
"Remind me never to go shopping with them again," Is the first thing I said to Jafar as I sat down next to him at a picnic table, a deep scowl on my face. He turned his head from the current game going on and raised an eyebrow at me.
"Why? What happened?"
"Putting Amna and Jamila in a small room together for hours," I explained, and Jafar threw his head back and laughed. As I watched him, I just realized his sudden attire. He has on a fitted black shirt, navy shorts and a pair of basketball shoes he bought when he started coaching. It reminded me of when I used to watch him play in high school.
"That would be disastrous," He agreed with me after a while, smirking slightly as he caught me staring. "So no new things?"
"No," I shook my head and placed a hand on it. "Just a headache."
"Jafar!" Annie's' brother called over. "We're next."
"Will you be okay by yourself?"
"Yeah," I waved off. "Have fun."
Before he ran over to his team, he came over to place a kiss on my forehead, then left me there, slightly dazed.
"Here you go, Ayah," Aunt Rabiya smiled as she placed a plate of food in front of me before sitting in Jafar's spot. "I know you must be hungry."
"Shukran. You know me so well," I said before pulling the plate towards me and inhaling the scent of the curry and naan."
"You have a good man right there," She suddenly spoke after a while, both of our eyes glued to the game going on.
"How can you tell? Not that I don't believe you, but...how?"
"The way he looks at you proves he will do right by your child. Trust me, you have one of the good ones."
-*-
Random question: What do you think Jafar should do?
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