CHAPTER 43: THE DAY I TRIED TO LIVE
trigger warning: mentions attempted suicide
The Salvatore Boarding House
Sometimes, Natalie had a few days that made her want to cry. Days like when her mother died, both times. And right now, the day that made her want to fall to pieces, was February 5th. And the reason was that February 5th 1992, a small baby girl named Bonnie Bennett was born. And now, 21 years later, she was dead. Well, not exactly dead, but she was gone. And it hurt. It hurt everyone around them to know she was all alone in the prison world because she decided to be so damn selfless. Natalie would have taken her place in a heartbeat, just so she could be out there with the people she loved.
But still, Elena had decided that to get everyone's minds off the things about the Geminis and Liz that had been happening lately, they would honor Bonnie by throwing her a birthday party, one she wouldn't show up for.
But Natalie decided that she needed to do her best to be optimistic, and so she thought that looking at the bright sides of things would be better. So, she smiled as she looked at pictures of Bonnie, Caroline and Elena as children. They seemed so happy, so carefree. She was too at that age, but she was carefree in North-Carolina.
She looked at a picture of the three of them sitting on a park bench, backpacks thrown over their shoulders while wearing their nicest clothes. She turned the picture around and found some writing. The girls' first day of school.
She giggled a bit as she decided to go back and look at the terrible choices Elena made with her hair. She wasn't far away from thinking she asked her five-year-old brother, Jeremy, to do her hair for her.
Speaking of Jeremy, he just entered the house, probably (or, rather hopefully) getting ready to take a shower as he wiped the sweat away from his forehead from what most likely was another harsh work-out of the kind that were only done by hunters of the five and bodybuilders. "Hey, Jeremy! Did all your drinking kill those two brains cells you had left?"
He turned around to face her, frowning in confusion. He had no idea why she had suddenly decided that insulting him was going to be fun, but he also had a feeling he didn't want to know. "I think I have at least two left, so no."
"Oh, I'm not so sure about that. If you did, then I didn't have to find this in the trash can," she pulled up an application Jeremy had filled out for an art school before throwing it away. "You didn't even tell me you were considering going to art school."
He sighed, having hoped that nobody would find out about it. He would rather it be Elena who would find it, even. He was almost surprised that Natalie just didn't send in the application for him. "I'm not. The only class I'm passing is study hall. They'll never let me in."
Natalie pushed herself off the floor, rolling her eyes. "Jer, you know I've stolen your portfolio and looked at your drawings. You didn't speak to me for a week, remember? But it was worth it, because they were some good ass drawings."
He shook his head. It wasn't because he doubted his artistic talent, he hadn't done that since he was a small kid, long before he met Natalie. "Doesn't matter. I'm not leaving without knowing Bonnie's okay or not."
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Once Jeremy let to fortunately actually take that shower Natalie hoped he would, she decided to go out and meet with the others who were going to celebrate Bonnie's birthday party. She found Caroline on the phone, asking her mother how many eggs were supposed to be in a cake she had already finished baking. Yeah, Natalie was confused too.
But once she was finished on the phone, she turned around and gasped as she saw Bonnie's teddybear, Ms. Cuddles staring at her with her soulless, black eyes. Being a vampire, she felt Natalie's presence, so she could ask questions without sounding insane. "Is it just me, or do her eyes follow you around the room?"
The brunette vampire narrowed her eyes at the bear, moving her head a bit, side to side to see what she was talking about. After a few seconds, she just hummed thoughtfully before coming to a conclusion. "Yeah, it's you."
The forever-seventeen-year-old didn't even turn to give her an annoyed look, like she would have done most of the time. She just stared at the bear as if it haunted her. "I haven't seen Ms. Cuddles in 12 years."
Natalie tilted her head as she looked at the bear. She remembered the last time she saw it, before Damon had taken it away. It was when she had first gotten home, and Bonnie had sacrificed herself for her. "Yeah, Bonnie sent her back with me. I think she lost it or something a long time ago. Maybe 12 years, like you said."
"No. She didn't lose her. I took her," Caroline stared at the bear guiltily, turning it around so it didn't look at her anymore. "Yeah. When Bonnie and I were little, we got in this huge fight, so to get back at her, I bearnapped Ms. Cuddles, and then I didn't want my mom to come home and find out, so then I buried her in the woods. I even left some M&M's to mark the spot where I left her, but something must have eaten them."
"Well, if I know Bonnie correctly, she's not petty enough to still be mad about it. She's probably over it by now," she shrugged, patting her best friend's shoulder comfortingly as she tried not to laugh at how she still felt guilty.
"Ms. Cuddles isn't. She's out there all alone like Bonnie," the Forbes girl sighed, closing her eyes for a moment, sadly. She then opened them, getting a new and determined look. "You know what? I'm gonna go find her."
"You're gonna what?" Natalie asked, pursing her lips to avoid bursting into laughter.
"Yeah. It's Bonnie's birthday," the blonde responded as if it was obvious, looking at her best friend as if she was an idiot. She grabbed her jacket off a chair and started pulling it on, ignoring the other girl's wide eyes.
Natalie grabbed her own jacket and followed her as she started walking to the hallway. "Caroline, you don't think that maybe you're transferring your feelings about another thing you're going through to this, right? Or, maybe you're just a bit confused about what you're actually upset about."
Caroline turned to her, shrugging as if shew as most likely right. "Yes, probably, but my mom's dying, and our best friend is stuck in an alternate universe, and her bear is in a hole in the woods, and there's only one of those things that I can do anything about."
"Fair enough," Natalie shrugged before throwing her jacket on and leaving the house with her blonde BFF.
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The Woods
Caroline had a shovel in her hands, digging into the ground of where she hoped she was right about burying Ms. Cuddles back when she was nine years old. Of course, twelve years would put a strain on a person's memory, but she seemed strangely confident about its whereabouts.
But as she could hear Natalie chuckling from behind her as she did her best to dig it up, she kept getting more and more annoyed with her before shoving the shovel harshly in the ground. "You know, if you were gonna watch out for me, you could have at least brought a shovel."
"Nah, I'm good," she smirked. She saw that she got a questioning look from the other vampire and decided to shrug. "Not really a digging person."
Caroline scoffed, looking as if she wanted to laugh at the thought. For almost six years, Natalie had done killing and digging corpses like it was her job, even if most of them were vampires. "Like you've never buried a corpse."
"Yeah, but I don't dig them up. Only crazy people do that," she teased, a grin on her face as she leaned against the tree. "Speaking of things crazy people do, why are you doing this again? Digging up a teddy bear isn't going to solve your problems."
The blonde chuckled bitterly. "You know what? You are right. This is such a waste of time. I should be going around and blaming myself for everything bad that's ever happened in the world, even if it makes no sense, to the point where I hold a gun against my head, just because I don't want to feel the pain of my parent dying."
"Ouch," Natalie put her hand to her chest as she spoke monotonously at the jab at her. She knew that back when she was eighteen, after losing her dad, she had gone through a bit of a rough patch. But nobody other, except Katherine, had ever held it against her.
"Look, if you think I'm insane, I get it. I probably am, but nobody is forcing you to be here," the curly-haired girl reminded her, crossing her arms over her chest as she watched her still smiling as she watched her.
"Actually, you are," the former huntress corrected her, getting a confused look in her eyes. "You're keeping me here, because of what happened when we were seventeen. When you told me I was your new best friend, I gained this responsibility. I'm not going to let you be here alone."
Caroline turned around, smiling a bit to herself, but not wanting her to see it. Of course, she was happy that Natalie was there for her, but she didn't want her to stop her from going in the direction she was going, confusing everything she was upset about. She knew it was wrong, and she needed to face everything, but she just couldn't.
"Caroline, do you see that? Is it an M&M?" Natalie broke her out of her thoughts, making her gaze travel across the ground in search of it. "No, no, not there. Just a little bit to the right, no too much. Sorry, it was a leaf. My bad."
The blonde's smile quickly faded as she turned around, glaring at her as she just seemed to make fun of her, or mocking her if that's the way you preferred to say it. "Is this funny to you?"
"Well, let's see," Natalie rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "We're in the middle of the woods, looking for the doppelganger of a teddy bear filled with Bonnie's magic that a petty, nine-year-old Caroline Forbes buried with a trail of M&Ms. Hell yeah, that's funny."
Caroline narrowed her eyes at her, finding her attitude towards her to have changed so suddenly, and wondering if any of it was because it was Bonnie's birthday and she was sad about it. "Are you drunk or something?"
"No, we all know that when I'm drunk I always flirt with you and try to get you to make out with me. And I'm not doing that, so I'm obviously not drunk. L-O-L, Caroline," she giggled, emphasizing on each letter of LOL.
"So, what? You're high?" she asked, trying to find some kind of explanation. It wouldn't be so far-fetched, seeing as it was well-known that Jeremy used to be a bit of a pot-head before he became a borderline alcoholic, and he could've hooked her up with something.
"No, when I'm high-" the brunette cut herself off when she saw Caroline's disbelieving eyes. "I mean, I don't know what I'm like when I'm high. I've never been high. What are you talking about? Don't you have more ground to cover?"
"You're a bitch," Caroline spat at her. The two had never really fought before, so that was basically the most foul thing that had ever come out of her mouth when it came to her best friend, and it was weird to feel angry at Natalie for Caroline, it just felt unnatural.
"You sound angry, Caroline," Natalie commented, speaking as if she was talking to a newborn, or a three-year-old. Or, maybe even the petty, nine-year-old who buried a teddybear alive because she was angry.
It seemed like every word coming out of the other vampire's mouth just infuriated her further. "I'm not angry, okay? I'm just annoyed because I am going through a highly emotional situation right now, and you're just sitting there, mocking me."
Natalie tapped her fingers against the tree she was leaning against. "Yep, that's anger."
"I'm not angry, okay?" Caroline repeated, sounding as if she wasn't only trying to convince Natalie, but also herself. She could feel the anger bubbling up in her, but she didn't want to give her the satisfaction.
"Why not?" the brunette asked, pushing herself away from the tree. She stalked closer and closer to the other girl, almost standing right in front of her. Their gazes were meeting, and it was hard for them not to with them being the exact same height. "You don't wanna be sad, you don't wanna cry? Okay. But you're going around acting like you can't feel at all. And you're angry. You've been angry for years, Caroline."
She glared at her. "Shut up."
"You're mad at your dad for leaving you, twice. You're mad at everyone acting like you're the most perfect person in the world who can't ever make a mistake. You're mad at Stefan because he abandoned you. You're mad at the world because your mom is dying, and you're mad at Bonnie because she kept sacrificing herself for Damon and I," the twenty-year-old vampire continued, sending her stern looks.
"And you're mad at me," Natalie said, her voice softening as Caroline gnawed on the inside of her lip in anticipation. "You're mad at me because I left you. Because I was stupid enough to keeping trying to save everyone so I couldn't come back. You're mad at me because I left you all alone. And now you should be mad at me because I'm trying to control how you feel!"
"Screw you," Caroline snapped, using her vampire speed to grab the shovel she had shoved in the ground and used it to hit beat her leg, causing her to fall to the ground. She didn't go any further, just standing above her with a glare.
She didn't know what she had planned to do next, and it didn't matter. Because it only took a moment before Natalie clawed at Caroline's leg, making her stumble and fall to the ground right next to her.
"I cannot believe you just did that," the blonde breathed, glancing over at the other girl who was lying right next to her, her hair sprawled across the ground. For a quick second, their gazes met and giggles started erupting from their lips.
"You started it, though," Natalie retorted, pushing herself up into a sitting position, a grin playing on her lips. She looked down at where Caroline was staring up at her with a small smile as well.
Caroline followed in her footsteps, only taking it a bit further by actually getting up into a standing position. She held her hand out in offering to help Natalie, who gladly took it as she helped pull her up. "Well, I think I got all the catharsis out of this that I'm gonna get. Let's go home."
"Sure," Natalie smiled, even if she was sure that Caroline would be happier if she had actually managed to find Ms. Cuddles. But then she noticed something very strange sticking up from the ground. "Wait, what's that?"
"Shut up," Caroline turned to her for a moment, trying not to smile as she sent her a warning look.
Natalie smiled a bit and looked down as she understood that she would think she was joking, but she wanted her to have found some success in her mission. "No, I'm actually serious, Care. Look over there. I think it might be a teddy bear ear."
"Oh my god," the blonde breathed as she noticed it too. She walked towards it quickly, almost jogging, hoping that they were both right. She started digging a bit in the dirt with her hands, and found the exact replica of the one they had seen back at the house. "Ms. Cuddles."
Natalie ran over to her, wanting to see it as well. She had only seen the version from 1994, but she had a feeling that seeing one from 2001 that had been buried in the ground for twelve years would be a sight for sore eyes. "You did it. We can probably just clean her right up and she'll be as good as new."
Caroline giggled, nodding as the two held onto the teddy bear together. But as Natalie moved a muscle, she was stuck holding the body and the other one was stuck with her head. They both stared at the piece they held in shock for a moment. Then their gazes traveled at the exact same time, as if it was an instinct or subconscious communication, to meet each other's.
They both just stared at one another with wide eyes for a moment before they started giggling again, both of them grinning ear to ear. Then Caroline suddenly stopped, and it was like she stopped breathing for a moment as well.
She just looked at her sadly, looking like she wanted to cry. She then turned away, not wanting show herself crying to Natalie for what had to have been the hundredth time in the three and a half years they had known each other.
"Hey, it's okay," the brunette comforted her, putting her hands on each other her upper arms, turning to her around to meet her gaze. After everything they'd been through, all the time they had known each other, she had long ago made herself a promise that if anything would ever happen to Caroline Forbes, she would be there for her. And time and time again, she had stuck by that promise.
"I'm sorry." Caroline looked down, not even knowing why she was sorry, she just was. Maybe she was sorry for feeling like she acting so needy, like she couldn't survive without anyone there with her, holding her in their arms. But Natalie knew better, she knew that Caroline was one of the strongest people she knew, and she would never think otherwise.
"You have nothing to be sorry for," Natalie assured her, moving her hands from her upper arms wrapping themselves around her waist, making Caroline available to wrap hers around her neck as she tried to keep herself from full-on sobbing. Yes, she had started crying, tears falling from her eyes and onto the back of Natalie's coat, but neither of them really cared. It wasn't the first time she had cried in her arms. And it was certainly not the last.
Caroline's grip tightened on her, holding onto her as if she was the last light she would ever see. Like, if letting her go would mean that everything would come at her, every feeling, every heartbreak. Yes, it hurt. But it would hurt more if she didn't have her best friend to hold her.
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The Salvatore Boarding House
Supposedly, things would still go to hell when Natalie wasn't there. Somehow, Elena had thought it was a good idea to invite Kai over. She should have been happy that Natalie wasn't there, because she would have ripped his head off without hesitation, not caring that it would kill Liv and Luke anymore.
But they did it so they could maybe get Bonnie home again. They couldn't, but Jeremy had gotten in to keep her from taking her own life. Natalie had almost started crying when she heard that Bonnie had been drinking from a bottle of bourbon that the three of them had agreed to drink before ending it all, all the misery and loneliness. Before they commit suicide.
Jeremy was sitting on the couch as she stood next to it and watched him. "You know, I get it. I get what she was going through, why she would want to end it, feeling trapped and alone. Every day is the same- disappointment, misery. You go to sleep and wake up and do it all over again? But she's not the only one that's trapped."
Natalie frowned, because she knew that Jeremy had a few hard spots in his life, and he had just been through one of them. But she didn't know it had gotten bad enough for him to start understanding what it felt like for someone who was on the brink of taking her own life. "Jeremy-"
He looked at her desperately, as if he knew what she was going to say, but he didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to hear her tell him the same thing he gotten told to him so many times in his life, ever since his parents died. "Don't tell me I got to be strong."
"I'm not," she whispered, looking at her brother sadly. She knew there was only one thing that could help him out of feeling that trapped. But could she do it? Could she actually tell someone she loved to leave if it made him happy? A year ago, hell, even six months ago, she would never have been able to it. But she knew that sometimes you've gotta let someone fly free, even if it hurts to think they're leaving. "I'm telling you that you need to move on. Bonnie saved my life, and now she's going to be fighting her way home. So, you need to move on and get your ass to art school. I'm pretty sure that what she wants is for you to be free and happy, just for once."
Jeremy couldn't help but frown in surprise. Natalie Saltzman letting go of someone she loved that easily was a miracle. He wasn't sure how she had gone to being that person, but he wasn't sure if she was actually okay with it or not. "What about you?"
"I'll be fine," she reassured him, putting her hand on his shoulder. "I love you, little bro. I didn't grow up with you, but you're my little brother. I'm not going to be selfish and ask you to stay because I can't handle it. I can't handle you being here and feeling so unhappy, so trapped. I need you to get out of this town and never looks back."
He looked up at her as she placed his portfolio right in front of him, after she had found it lying not that far away. He stared at it harshly for a moment as she smiled sadly at him, but she was happy that she had decided to let him be happy for once.
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Several hours later, it had become past midnight, and Natalie couldn't sleep. She was moving around in Stefan's arms, keeping him awake as well. At least, for the past few minutes she had been silent and he had almost gotten himself to fall asleep, and he hoped she could do the same.
And then, out of nowhere, she suddenly spoke up with an odd request for being almost 2AM in the morning, and still not having slept. "I want nachos."
Stefan didn't even open his arms as she tightened her grip on him from where they were lying. He just wanted to fall asleep after another long day in Mystic Falls. "And I want to sleep. We can't all get what we want."
When she didn't say anything for a few seconds, he hoped that she had decided that nachos that early/late wasn't best idea. But that wishful thinking was proven wrong when she spoke up again. "Can you get me nachos?"
"Can you get me some peace?" he groaned a little in annoyance. Don't get him wrong, he usually loved talking to Natalie. Most of their conversations brightened up his whole day, but he wasn't up for talking about nachos with her in the middle of the night.
She nodded, her chin meeting his chest and leaving it a few times with the movements. He had his hand pushing her head onto his chest, keeping her there, even if she didn't object. "Yeah, if you get me nachos."
"Shh," he seemed to have been getting enough. He heard her make a breathing noise that most likely meant that she was about to say something even if he hushed her and he decided to repeat himself. "Shh."
"Stefan, I want nachos," she complained, a pout on her lips that he couldn't see in the darkness of night with their nightlights off. But still, he could hear her complaining, and that was more than enough for him to be annoyed, even without the pout visible.
He opened one eye, even if he barely saw anything in the darkness, anyway. But he just felt like it was right when it came to that exact situation. Maybe he could just be rude now and surprise her with nachos the following morning. "Just shut up, please."
"Rude," she huffed, and if they were standing, she would most likely have crossed her arms across her chest while glaring at him, but it didn't work that well while lying in the darkness. "But you can make it up to me by getting me nachos."
He didn't seem to care about being forgiven, moving his hand away from her back of her head to over her mouth to keep her from speaking as he pushed her even closer into his shirtless chest. "No nachos."
She grabbed the hand away from her mouth as expected, also pulling herself away from his chest, which was more surprising as she whined hungrily. "I just want some nachos."
He couldn't help but groan as she suddenly turned the lights on. There was nothing worse than somebody suddenly turning the lights on while you're trying to fall asleep. "Come on, Natalie. I just want to sleep."
She sighed as he opened both his eyes, flipping himself on his side to meet her gaze. She didn't look nearly as tired as him. He didn't know why, but she just looked sad. "I know, I'm just bored. I don't even want nachos. I want attention."
"Seriously?" he asked, as if he couldn't imagine her talking about nachos for attention. Until he realized that he actually could. He saw her give a sincere look, the kind that was as sad as the one she gave him before. He sighed in defeat, pushing his hand out to brush loose strands of hair away from her face. "You'll always have my attention."
"Aw! I knew there's a reason I liked you," she smiled, trying to hide slight redness on her cheeks from his words. She then noticed that he had stopped stroking her hair and looked at her with raised eyebrows. She coughed awkwardly before correcting herself. "Other than your sparkling personality."
He smiled a bit, but he knew that there was more than just him liking her that made her like him. It may have had something to do with the fact that they surpassed the like stage a long time ago. "Is there any reason you're feeling especially attention-deprived today?"
Natalie sighed, even if she knew asked for attention, she was always a bit reluctant to talk about what was actually going on with her. "I just... Liz is dying, Jeremy's leaving and Bonnie's gone. Like, this is basically the kind of nightmare an eighteen-year-old Natalie would have had, if only a very easy going one. They used to be about me killing everyone and then you and Kol kill me. I know it sounds kinky, but it wasn't."
"But you're not eighteen-year-old Natalie anymore. It's okay to miss people, even before they're gone. And you're not alone. You've never been alone, no matter how much you've felt like it," he started continuing stroking her hair, the kind that was lying right by her cheek.
She couldn't help but smile slightly as she stared into his eyes. Her favorite color had been red as long she could remember, but one day, a while after she had met him, she had found herself looking into his eyes and found a new favorite, the kind she was looking at. "Thank you."
"For what?" he asked, frowning his signature frown, as his hand moved to caress her cheek for a moment before continuing to try to keep itself to her dark, wavy locks.
"Being there. You've been there for me since we first met. Even after I shot you, I'm still sorry about that, you still comforted me when I was sad about my mother. And now we're here, almost four years later, and you're still here. Most people would have run away screaming by now," she realized sadly.
"You wouldn't have let me. I know too much," he joked, watching her eyes light up as he said something that could be confused for amusing. Back when they first met, that wasn't what he was known for.
"I also love you too much," she pointed out, but doing it casually, as if it wasn't really a big deal for her to basically tell him that she loved him too much to ever want to lose him, to ever let him go.
"That's a good second." A few strands of hair he had been stroking fell over her face, but he quickly brushed them away. "But, hey, I promise you, I'm not leaving. I know, I've said that kind of thing before and I never held that promise. But, this time, I know that this is what's going to happen. I'm not leaving you, I'm not letting you go. Because I love you too much, too."
He smiled a bit as she moved herself back to having her head on his chest, with his arms wrapped around her shoulder, his hand on her head. It was the exact same position as before, except he was now stroking her hair and placing a soft kiss on her head before turning the lights off.
They had both closed their eyes, neither of them speaking for a few moments. Stefan thought he was finally going to get to have his precious sleep that he had been waiting for, for hours. "I want nachos."
He didn't even hesitate with his stern answer. "No."
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A/N: For some reason, I'm really missing Katalie (Kol/Natalie, if you've all forgotten) right now. It's probably because there's been someone commenting on all their scenes today, but I just really miss them. Don't get me wrong, I love Statalie so much that I just can't even, but I miss Katalie. They deserved better than I gave them.
Votes and comments are greatly appreciated.