I muddled through Thursday and Friday the best I could. With Daniel around it seemed much easier to function. While I was sorry he was nursing heartache over Hana, I was more than grateful for his company.
The light at the end of the tunnel was Alice's arrival. Despite this horrendous situation, I had been looking forward to it. My entire world had been tilted on its axis, but not her.
Daniel helped bring them in through the back when they arrived. Alice bee lined for me the moment they stepped inside the apartment. Her hug gave me warmth and even though she didn't know it, hope. Alice reluctantly released me from her grip and ran to pick her favorite toy spider from beside the TV. I put on a melancholic smile and bit my lip. Jackson had bought her the spider from a local fair. She had named it acks after him. While she usually left it here the bond was clear to see. I looked up at Tracey whose eyes were filled with sadness. She pulled me into her arms as I stood and pat my hair gently. "Call if it gets too much. I do understand." Tracey whispered.
"Okay." I nodded as I pulled back. "We'll be okay, I promise."
Tracey looked over at Daniel and nodded. "Thank you for bringing me up" She murmured. Daniel just nodded. They had met a couple of times before, but had barely said more than hello to each other. "I don' know if I told you, but Daniel is Jackson's cousin, he's staying with me until..." I swallowed the ball of emotion in my throat and bit my lip. "Until everything is sorted."
"I'm glad you're not alone. I'll pick her up on Sunday morning." Tracey smiled and walked over to Alice. Daniel walked until his shoulder was flush with mine. "Relax." He murmured, obviously sensing I was on the verge of losing it again.
Alice waved goodbye to her Mom as she left, but the minute the door was closed she began to bounce around the room like the energizer bunny. I felt a genuine smile come to my face as I listened to her carefree laughter fill the room.
"Amber, Can Jackson sing me a song tonight?" Alice said as she stopped in the middle of the floor. She held acks in her hand squeezing him tight. I wanted to cry, but I knew that I couldn't project my feelings of fear and anguish onto someone so innocent so instead I sat down and pulled her in to my arms.
"Jackson is away." I managed to whisper. "He went on a trip and got a little bit lost."
"Oh. Does he need a map?"
"Yes." I whispered, Jackson needed a whole lot more than a map though.
"Well you and Dan will have to sing to me." She giggled. "Okay?"
I nodded and let her go. Watching her was a salve to my burned out heart, it always had been. She made me feel whole in a way I couldn't understand. She was my blood, I had carried her and given birth to her. Giving her up for adoption had been the hardest thing to do, but it had been the right thing. Although I wondered every now and again how it would have been if I had kept her.
Daniel flopped down on the couch and watched her. "She has never ending energy." He murmured.
"She's a typical almost four year old." I whispered. "But she has an old soul."
I turned to look at Daniel and frowned. "I can't miss anymore classes." I whispered. "When Monday comes I have to go."
"What about the dance company opportunity?"
I shook my head and closed my eyes. I couldn't do it anymore. Until Jackson was back here I wasn't sure anything would make sense or have any meaning to me anymore. "I can't do it."
"I know."
**
Later that night Daniel made spaghetti for dinner while Alice and I drew pictures. Her parents had explained who I was, so Alice knew she had two families. My parents were her gran and pop, and they always had been. Alice was busy drawing her family when my phone rang. I picked it up and walked away from the breakfast bar leaving Alice and Daniel in the kitchen.
"Hello?"
"Hey honey. It's Dad. How are you doing?"
I looked over at Alice and smiled. "I'm okay, all things considered."
"Tracey called and said you have Alice."
"Yes."
"Is that wise?"
I frowned and looked over at her, she was busy coloring in. "Yes. She is a beautiful spirit and seeing her was exactly what was needed. Why?"
"After what happened... you need time to grieve."
I could feel the anger beginning to rise in my chest. He really had given up hope and he wanted me to give up too. I walked into my bedroom and closed the door. "I don't need to grieve. He is out there. He is alive and I will find him."
"Honey you're in..."
"No. Don't even say it. I have to go."
I pressed call end and shoved my phone in my pocket. I couldn't dwell on his assumptions, I couldn't let them smother me. I walked back out over to the table. Alice pushed her picture over to me and began to point out everyone. Finally she pointed to the last little stick figure. "This is Jackson. See he has a map."
My eyes filled with tears involuntarily I smiled and nodded. "That's a beautiful picture. We should keep it on the fridge so when he is found we can give it to him?"
Alice nodded and stood up, she walked into the kitchen and placed it as high as she could on the silver door of the fridge. After dinner I bathed her, she splashed bubbles in my face and giggled like only she could. She was innocent and I wanted to protect her from any and all things that could one day corrupt her.
Once she was dressed I tucked her in to my bed. The photo I had smashed was now sitting back on the nightstand, sans frame. Alice grinned up at me and tugged on my shirt. "Amber, you said you and Dan would sing me to sleep."
"Did I?" I smiled. "I thought that was you."
Alice let out a little giggle, but I could tell from the brightness in her eyes she wasn't going to go to sleep anytime soon without a song. I called Daniel in, and surprisingly he had Jackson's spare guitar. I frowned and pointed at it. "What do you plan on doing with that? Using it as a drum?"
He shrugged and placed his fingers in formation on the neck over the strings. He picked the strings and played a melody. "I can play. I just, I didn't think I'd ever hold a candle to Jackson so I didn't bother."
I was surprised by Daniel's insecurity, although I knew I shouldn't. I smiled and looked back down at Alice whose bright eyes were already beginning to get sleepy.
"What song does the princess want?"
"The one Jackson sings me." She murmured. "About not being alone."
I bit my lip and nodded, unsurprised by her choice. I just wasn't sure I'd get through it without cracking. I looked at Daniel and gave him a shaky smile. "She wants Not Alone."
He nodded and began to pick the music to the acoustic version. I knew the words, but once Daniel started singing I knew my contribution would only dampen his superior vocals. His voice was deeper than Jacksons, raspier too, but he was amazing. When he finished I forced myself to look back at Alice, who was fast asleep.
Daniel stood up and walked out, I followed him and closed the door behind me. Shocked and confused I pointed at the guitar ad shrugged. "Explain?"
"Look at the family I grew up in Amber. Music is part of my life."
"But you're studying business."
He smiled and shrugged. "Grandad and Uncle Marc were supposed to retire 19 years ago." He laughed. "Music will always have a place in my heart but I'm happy to just pull it out at Christmas parties or to sing lullabies."
I nodded and walked over to the couch. "Well you're really good. When Jackson gets home I demand a duet."
Daniel nodded. "Yeah, I'll demand it too."
**
The next day the three of us watched movies, although I was doing a little less watching, a little more checking for news. They had boosted the search teams up in numbers at Nick Jackson's request but nothing had been uncovered. Everyone was beginning to lose more and more hope as time went on. When Tracey came on Sunday to pick Alice up she promised to call with another planned weekend, but she couldn't look me in the eye and left without really saying goodbye.
I called my dad who all but confirmed that he had given Tracey an earful about letting me have Alice during such a delicate time. I knew he was trying to protect me, and I knew he only cared but this was crossing the line. I hung up and threw my phone at the sofa.
"Whoa, calm down." Daniel said retrieving it. He placed it on the coffee table and stood up. "What's going on?"
"What's going on?" I yelled "Jackson is missing, my father is treating me with kid gloves and I'm beginning to think we're the only people who actually think Jackson could have survived this."
"Amber." Daniel took a step forward but I shook my head.
"I could have stopped him Daniel. I wanted to. This is all my fault." I felt the tears roll down my cheeks before I could stop them. "He's gone because I didn't tell him to stay."
"It isn't your fault. It was a freak accident."
"I wish I could believe that."
Daniel placed his hand on my shoulder. "You're going to have to if we're going to find him. We can't afford to second guess ourselves. There is no room for doubt."
I nodded. He was right, with the falling hope surrounding us it seemed more and more likely that the search would end before Jackson was found. Our focus had to be on him. But second guessing wasn't the only thing we couldn't afford. We hadn't talked about logistics yet. Despite have well off families our own personal funds would not stretch to a search mission.
"We just need to get through the next little bit. Jackson is a fighter, he'll be okay."
I nodded again and pointed to my room. "I'm exhausted, I might try get some sleep."
It was only 4pm, but I was exhausted. I walked into the room and nodded acks the toy spider sitting on my bed. I picked it up and held it tight to my chest before lying down and closing my eyes. When I woke it was around 4am. My sleep had been dreamless, or at least I couldn't remember the dreams. I looked at my phone. I hadn't missed any calls, which meant there was no news. I lay in bed until the sun began to rise, falling in and out of sleep hoping that this was all just a really bad, really vivid dream.
As the light filled the room, reality filled me. I climbed out of bed and grabbed a pair of Jackson's track pants and t-shirt and walked out of the room. Daniel was already up and making coffee too. He had put all of his clothes in the back of his car when he left Hana, so he was dressed too. He looked up at me and pointed to the brewing drink. "You want?"
I nodded and kept walking toward the shower. "I need a shower first though."
I stayed under the hot water just long enough to wash myself and wake up. If I was going to get through today I needed to be alert. I pulled on Jacksons clothes and ran my hands over them. I smiled, if he could see me now I knew what he would say. Wearing his clothes had always been one of my things. I used the towel to wipe the mist off the mirror. The exhaustion was very much evident in my face, despite the 12 hour sleep. I wasn't going to class to win any beauty contests though so I brushed my hair, tied it into a high ponytail and walked out into the living room.
Daniel had the coffee waiting for me on the bench. He smiled and pointed to Jackson's T-shirt. "He bought that from his first concert. He was 15, he felt so cool."
I looked down at the faded shirt and smiled. "Good."
"We should leave together. I'm not sure what it's like down there. It seemed quiet when I went to get my stuff from the car."
"Okay. NYAPA is on the way to your school. Maybe you could give me a ride?" I suggested. Truth was, NYAPA was a few blocks out of Daniel's way, but the thought of my car being surrounded after class scared me. Thankfully Daniel just nodded knowingly.
Once we had finished the coffees we left and made our way down to the car park. There were paparazzi as we left, but the tinted windows on Daniels rover kept us hidden.
We pulled up outside campus and Daniel looked at me. "If it gets too much call me, I'll come back to get you."
I nodded and opened the suv door. "I'll be okay. I'll be so busy catching up I won't have time to think."
As I walked across campus, I could feel the eyes of the other students on me. I was thankful for the cover of the studio, however the moment I walked inside Victoria pulled me aside. I could tell by the concern drawn all over her face that she didn't understand why I was here.
"Your father called. He said not to expect you. I thought with everything..." Her voice trailed off. I was too busy focusing on containing my annoyance for my father to answer right away. "Amber?" she questioned quietly. "Are you alright?"
I nodded, even though I wasn't okay.
"Are you sure, it's just your Dad said."
I held my hand up and cut her off. "My father thinks Jackson is dead." I exclaimed. "But he's not."
Victoria's sullen eyes darkened and she nodded. I could tell she didn't believe me. "I need to dance." I whispered. It was an absolute truth, something that she couldn't argue with. I needed to dance like I needed to breathe. The amount of tension in my system was unhealthy. Victoria finally gave me a soft smile and nodded.
"That's the amber I know. How about you and Greg practice in the far corner. We're just focusing on advanced basics and you're passed though. Greg mentioned dropping this morning."
I nodded. I knew she was pandering to me. Keeping me away from the eyes and ears of a nosy class. I guess I didn't mind. At least not enough to say anything.
When Greg arrived he didn't say much. We just walked over to the corner and without speaking started dancing the steps.
I felt the movements like I never had before. The uncertainty of Jackson's disappearance was getting to me more than I was prepared to let on. Except I couldn't hide it from Greg as we danced. He placed me down after a particularly difficult lift and frowned.
"If you show that much tension at the showcase you're you going to miss out on the place in the company."
"They already offered me a place." A place I couldn't take.
"Huh?"
"At the auditions. They had a scout."
"That's amazing. Congratulations!"
I smiled then looked down at the ground and tried to brush of the overwhelming surge of emotion that bolted through but it was futile. I heard Greg's realization and it was the last straw. The tears flowed like surging storm waters. Dad had been crossing so many lines, but maybe he was right about this.
"I'm sorry. I'm an idiot."
"You're not." I sniffed as I tried to stem the flow of tears with the wrist bands of Jacksons hoody. "I am. I need to go home."
I looked up at Greg who nodded. He looked over at Victoria. "Do you have your car?"
I shook my head.
"I'll take you home." He almost demanded. I found myself nodding despite Daniel's insistence that I call if it got too much. I followed Greg through campus. When we reached the car park it was crawling with paparazzi. Growing up as the daughter of someone famous their attempts at stealth were greatly underpowered. I lifted Jacksons hoody over my head and kept my head down.
Once I was in the car I breathed a short sigh of relief. Soon I would be back in the apartment.
Greg stayed silent as he drove. I guess the threat of me falling apart again scared him. I let him into the underground parking and without words he walked me upstairs.
I'm sorry again." He murmured as we stood outside the door. "I didn't think."
"It'd really okay. I came back too soon. Maybe you should find someone else for the showcase." I looked at him and watched as misery washed over him.
"It's not for a few weeks." He whispered. "You might change your mind."
"It wouldn't be fair. I can't even come to class."
I unlocked the apartment and walked inside. "Thank you for the ride."
"I could come here. We could practice. Despite everything Amber, when you were dancing you were on another level."
It was always that way with me. Dancing leveled me out. Took me to a place of peace. I looked up and nodded. "I'd like to keep practicing then." I whispered.
Greg smiled and placed his hand on my shoulder. "I'll email then and we'll work something out. Rest up okay?"
Greg stepped back as Daniel brushed passed him and in to the apartment. He looked at Greg with critical eyes before walking into his room and slamming the door. I fare welled Greg and knocked on Daniel's door. He didn't answer so I opened the door and walked inside.
"Talk to me?"
"Hana showed up at class. She begged for my forgiveness. Being there was already impossible with all the staring." He pulled the pillow out from under his head and pretended to suffocate himself.
"I can't believe she did that."
Daniel pulled the pillow off his face and shook his head. "I can. Hey you were meant to call."
I nodded and sat down on the bed. "I never should have gone."
"That makes two of us."
"Daniel, what if we're wrong." I whispered. "What if he's gone?"
Daniel sat up and softly shoulder barged me. "No room for doubt remember." He replied, although I could hear the growing uncertainty in his voice.
A/N - Sorry! I know its been a while, and I know my updates have been less regular. I have been incredibly busy and on top of that my computer kicked the bucket. However, here is an update.
Next chapter is a Jackson POV :D
I chose Against all odds (take a look at me now) by Phil Collins as the song for obvious reasons :P
I love you all and I will get my A in to G and update more!