Once again I found myself pacing back and forth outside Ben's building, but this time I had the cover of darkness and was pretty sure he wouldn't see me if he happened to be looking out his window. That same window glowed with light, so I knew he was still up although it was almost eleven.
Well, come on, are you going up there or not? Make up your mind Cara; either get up there now and find out what's wrong or go home and have a sleepless night worrying. Crap - couldn't there be a third choice, like wake up and find this is all a bad dream? Yes, I like the sound of that one, let's go with that.
If only it were that easy.
Isn't there a saying that nothing worthwhile is easy? What little ray of sunshine thought that one up, seriously? I hope they ended up in a straightjacket having a frontal lobotomy like McMurphy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
"Maledizione!" I slapped my hands against my thighs, turned and headed into the building and up the stairs. Once I got to Ben's flat I took a deep breath and knocked on the door, annoyed when I realized I was holding the breath I had taken, so let it out in a noisy whoosh just as the door was opened.
He looked good; form-fitting jeans, snug tee, mussed hair and a half-drunk glass of whiskey in his hand. In other words, a force ten slug right in the ovaries. Give me a break.
"Hi." Deep voice too. So not fair.
"H-hi," was my articulate reply.
"I didn't realize you were coming over...Tom's here."
"I'll...I'll come back another time." I'd barely turned to head back down the stairs when his hand wrapped gently around my arm, his thumb rubbing circles over my wrist that caused a shiver or two.
"Cara, don't go, please." I paused, which I knew even as I did it, was my undoing. "Come in." As he said it his hand slid down to mine, tugging me gently in to his flat. I could have resisted if I'd wanted to. Really.
He led me to the lounge room where Tom rose to his feet when he saw me. "Hello Cara."
"Hi Tom." I wasn't sure what to do next, so stood there quietly. No, this isn't awkward at all.
I looked at Ben, who looked back at me.
"Well, I have to be going," Tom announced briskly, downing the remainder of his drink and placing the glass on the coffee table. He took my spare hand and kissed it, saying, "Lovely to see you again." Slapping Ben on the shoulder, he added, "I can see myself out," and was gone before I could even begin to apologise for interrupting their evening.
Now what?
I looked at Ben again. He still had hold of my hand and used it now to pull me closer, kissing my forehead. "I'm so sorry about this morning."
I let out a small sigh, moving my hands to his chest as his arms wrapped around me. "What was that exactly?"
"That was me being jealous and insecure and a bit of a prat."
Well, I can't argue with that. "Jealous of what? I told you Jake's not coming to Dublin."
He grimaced, his fingers tucking a stray hair behind my ear and sending tingles everywhere. "I know, it was just...when you said you wanted him there and I thought he might try to make a move on you again."
I stepped back, removing his arms from around me and looking at his face. He frowned at my retreat. "Is that all?" I asked, suddenly even more afraid of what this meant.
His frown deepened and he tried to touch me, but again I stepped back. "What do you mean? Isn't that enough?"
"I mean were you worried he would try it on or were you worried he would succeed?"
"Does it make a difference?" I felt chilled all over.
"Yes, Benedict, it does make quite a big difference. Being worried Jake might try something means it's him you don't trust. But as it takes two to tango, being worried that he might succeed means you don't trust me either."
There was a tension filled silence as we stared at each other while he pondered my words but after thirty seconds I couldn't take it any more. The fact that he hadn't said a word spoke volumes and I knew I needed to get out of there as quickly as possible. Luckily, I was standing much closer to the door than he was, so I turned and left as fast as I could, getting halfway down the stairs before he even called out to me. I didn't make the mistake of pausing this time. As I stumbled along the road I heard him right behind me.
"Cara, stop, please love."
I couldn't; I knew I was on the verge of breaking down completely and had no intention of doing that in front of him, so I just shook my head and broke into a run. There were two people just getting out of a taxi only a few feet in front of me; I threw myself in it as I heard them whisper Ben's name and prayed they would ask him for selfies. Averting my gaze as the taxi drove past him, I waited until we were out of his street then I let the tears fall.
---
The next door I knocked on was four flights up and I could hear Florence and the Machine playing inside.
"Cara. Hey."
"Will you come to Dublin and be in my band?" I must have been a sight - I had no doubt my eyes would be red-rimmed and puffy and I'd have tear tracks down my cheeks. My nose was certainly in need of a good blow. I didn't care. "Please Jake."
"I'd like to but...I just bought a new bass guitar, a Squier vintage modified, so...I can't afford it. I'm going to be living off tinned sardines and baked beans for a few weeks as it is. I'm sorry."
"Okay. Doesn't matter. Thanks." Great, that tops off my evening from hell just perfectly.
---
By morning I had ten text messages and five missed calls from Ben and my face looked terrible after a night of weeping. I deleted the texts without reading them then turned my phone off. At seven o'clock I was in a double arm headstand, hoping yoga might help me find some calmness, when there was a knock on my door; I moved to a forearm headstand and waited, holding my breath.
Another knock sounded, then a familiar voice. I got myself upright again and opened up.
"Marco, what...oh, hey guys." Marco had with him Gabriela and Carlo, Tony's two eldest children. We greeted each other with hugs and kisses and I took Gaby out of her stroller to hold her while I talked with Marco.
"Tony's been trying to call you - what's the matter with your phone?" Marco wheeled the stroller in to my flat, pushing Carlo in front of him.
"Oh, um...I must have forgotten to turn it back on." I crossed my fingers behind Gaby's back. "Why, what's up?"
"Matteo is sick and Tony and Maria are taking him to the hospital. They're hoping you can look after these two for the day."
"Sure, no problem," I told him. "What's wrong with the baby? Is he going to be okay?"
"I think there's the possibility of whooping cough," he told me in a low voice, "apparently it's doing the rounds." Then he took a good look at my face. "You've been crying. What's wrong?"
"Nothing, I'm fine," I lied. I knew I should have put some makeup on.
"You're not fine."
"Don't you have to get to the shop?"
He narrowed his eyes at me but decided either that getting to work was more pressing or that he knew he wouldn't get any more out of me; he merely grunted and gave me the bag with the kids' stuff in it.
I promised to turn my phone back on and told him to keep in touch and let me know how Matteo was doing, then he left and I turned my attention to Gaby and Carlo. At three and four, they were usually a bundle of energy but seemed very subdued right now. Crouching down to Carlo's level, I told them the doctors and nurses would do everything they could to make their baby brother well again soon, then said, "Come on, how about we make pancakes for breakfast?"
After eating and cleaning up we went out to the park, enjoying the sunshine and fresh air and open spaces - my little flat got a bit crowded with three people in it, particularly when two of them could barely keep still for more than five seconds. As children do, they perked up quite quickly and were more like their usual rambunctious selves. Throughout the morning I kept checking my phone to see if Ben had sent any more texts. He hadn't - not that I wanted him to, of course - I just wanted to know if I had to delete any more. Tony rang to say Matteo had a bad chest infection but not whooping cough, which was a great relief. He had been started on intravenous antibiotics and Maria would stay overnight in the hospital with him while Tony came home to look after Gaby and Carlo.
"What time do you need me to come take them off your hands?" he asked.
"I've got my lessons from three till five but I can hold off Gaby's nap until then if need be. Would Carlo be happy watching cartoons or a movie?"
"Sure, but only for half an hour or so. How about you put Gaby down around one and I'll try to get there before three?"
"Okay. Give my love to Maria. See you later."
"Grazie Cara."
---
Tony had come and gone, taking the kids with him. My students had likewise had their lessons and departed and now I was left alone with my thoughts, definitely not something I was clamouring for. The necessity to do things had kept me going all day and I was feeling the absence of it keenly; I had a couple of hours to spare until I was to meet with Rick and Marcus for another practice session. I put my head back and closed my eyes, which seemed to give my memories permission to come rolling in like waves on the beach.
Ben. Even thinking his name intensifies the ache in my heart and I long to be with him but I can't, not without trust. Whether that's a legacy from my mother leaving or from something else, I neither know nor care, but I'm completely certain that no matter how much I love him, we can't have a real relationship if he doesn't trust me. It's as simple as that; only it's not simple at all. Feeling the telltale prickling behind my eyelids, I head to the shower, where my tears can at least mingle with the soothing water.
I am Humpty Dumpty, balancing precariously on the wall, aware that the slightest thing could topple me over to break into thousands of pieces. I feel close to it, so very close. Right now my heart is held together with a wing and a prayer.
---
"I'm thinking this song can be my final one, before the duet with Eleanor." I handed out copies to Rick and Marcus.
"This a new one?" Marcus asked.
I nodded. "I wrote it last week. How about I start and you just pick up wherever you like and then we can look at the arrangement?"
"Okay, sure."
I was picking through the first couple of chords when the garage door opened and I stopped in surprise when I saw who'd come in. "What are you doing here?"
"Well," drawled Jake, "I figured if I'm going to play for you in Dublin I should come learn the songs."