Lesson 29
Explanations
Cine...
Cine...
Cine...
The name kept ringing inside my head. I suddenly felt my knees turned wobbly. Napahawak ako sa railing for support.
"Bes..." sambit ni Sharpay para basagin ang katahimikan at ang nakakaasiwang sitwasyon namin.. She saw everything that had transpired.
"Cheska -" may sasabihin sana si RR nang tinapik siya ng teammate niya.
"Rodrick, tawag tayo ni Coach!"
"We'll talk later, Cheska. Please wait for me." He looked at me with beseeching eyes before trotting back to their team circle.
My insides are screaming: BAKIT ANG GAGO NG MUNDO?!
Ate has kept mum from the moment RR acknowledged her. Mas lalo akong naiinis na hindi siya nagsasalita ngayon. Kanina ko pa nararamdaman ang urge na umiyak pero naisip ko ayaw kong mas mukha pang loser sa harap nila.
Alam ko sa sarili kong may dapat akong sabihin pero parang napipi na lang ako bigla. Fck. Alam kong bobo na ako pero mas nabobo ako sa nadiskubre ko.
Nagsimula na ang 2nd quarter ng laro. Nanunuod lang si Ate ngayon na para bang walang nangyari kanina.
Kinuyom ko ang kamao ko.
Nagsimula na ulit ang hiyawan ng mga tao. Ngunit bawat sigaw para bang naririndi ako. Nakakahilo, nakakasuka... Hindi ako makahinga!
"I want to be alone," bulong ko kay Sharpay at saka tumakbo papalabas ng covered court.
Siguro weird tingnan pero tumakbo lang ako ng tumakbo hanggang makarating ako sa Open Field ng unibersidad. Buti na lang at halos lahat nasa covered court. Solo ko ang lugar.
Tumakbo ako sa field kahit madilim na. Tumama sa mukha ko ang malamig na simoy ng hangin. At this point, wala na akong pakialam kung mukha man akong tanga rito. I just want it all out!
I scream my lungs out. Saka ko hinayaang tumulo ang luha ko. Sanay naman na akong hindi ipakita na umiiyak ako.
Nang wala na akong maisigaw dahil paos na ako, umupo ako sa gitna ng field. I beat my chest. Pakiramdam ko pinipiga yung puso ko.
Hindi ako makapaniwala... na sa pagkarami-rami ng babaeng pwedeng mahalin ni RR... Bakit si Ate pa? Bakit nagsinungaling siya sa akin? Bakit nagmukha akong tanga? Papanindigan ko ba talaga na ang bobo ko sa lahat?!
Tang*na bakit ang rupok ko noon? Bakit ko hinayaang halikan niya ako noon knowing na may namamagitan pa rin sa kanila ni Ate? What was all of that? Distraction para hindi ko malaman ang totoo?
I thought about every statement that he said to me. He wants to work things out? He wants to win my heart? He already broke up with his ex?
Hindi ko alam kung saan ako huhugot ng tiwala para paniwalaan lahat ng sinabi niya sa akin.
My mind replayed how my sister fixed a cold stare at me a while ago.
I've always known that we are not the best set of sisters. We are just the polar opposites but damn, I did not expect na magagawa niya ito sa akin. Na kahit alam niya nang kasal si RR sa akin ay kakapit pa rin siya.
Is this what love can really do? That you could lose your respect to yourself? That you could hurt someone else in the expense of your own bliss?
I have never felt more stupid in my life until today happened.
For the last time, kahit paos na paos na ako, sumigaw ako ulit.
"FUCK YOU BOTH, RODRICK RYAN AT FRANCINE ROMULO! FUCK YOU!!!"
After I screamed, it was dead silent again. I stayed here for minutes that seemed like an eternity. Maya-maya narinig ko ang malakas at tuloy-tuloy na hiyawan mula sa direskyon ng covered court. Mukhang tapos na ang laban.
Sino kaya ang nanalo?
I laughed at myself. Really, Cheska? May gana ka pang isipin yun despite everything that happened?
My phone rang. Tiningnan ko ang caller ID. Si RR. I rejected the call,
He called again. And I rejected again. He repeatedly called me. And I repeatedly rejected his calls.
Finally, he sent me a message.
From: Shithead Asshole
Cheska, please. Let me explain. Meet me in my car. I'll wait there.
Pupunta ba ako? Does he deserve to be heard after making a fool of me? Kailangan pa ba niyang ipaliwanag kung ano ang nabuking na kanina?
My phone beeped again.
From: Shithead Asshole
Please...
I heaved out a sigh.
"Damn, ang rupok mo, Cheska," I mumbled as I stood up and wiped my tear-streaked face.
* * *
Naabutan ko siyang naglalakad nang pabalik-balik sa tabi ng sasakyan niya. Nang mapansin niya na akong papalapit sa direksyon niya, tumakbo siya para salubungin ako.
"Thank you pumunta k-"
"Nasaan si Ate?"
"I don't know... Pagkatapos agad ng game, umalis agad ako para hanapin ka... Cheska-"
I slapped him hard. Sa sobrang lakas ng sampal ko, kahit isang beses lang yun ay sumakit din ang palad ko. Well, sorry not sorry.
He remained frozen in his position as he fixed his stare at me. "You can slap me all you want-"
I slapped him again. And I punched his chest n times until my knuckles felt numb.
That's when I broke down in front of him.
"Ba't hindi mo sinabi sa'kin? Ba't ka nagsinungaling? Ba't ate ko pa? Was everything fake?" These were the things I pointed out to him in the middle of sobbing.
Hindi niya agad sinagot ang tanong ko. Bagkus, hinayaan niya akong umiyak nang umiyak sa harapan niya habang hinahampas ko siya nang mahina sa dibdib niya. When I stopped, he held me close and tucked me in his arms.
Cheska, ang rupok mo. Bakit ko pa hinahayaang yakapin niya ako?
"Cheska... Look at me," inangat niya ang baba ko para magtapat ang mga mata namin. "I am guilty that I did not say something about my past affair with your sister. That I lied about her when we were already married. And of all the girls I could love, siya pa.
"I met her during third year high school. We were in a relationship since then until we graduated college.I just knew you as her younger sister back then. Hindi ko maipagkakaila na minahal ko nang sobra ang Ate mo, Cheska.. You know your sister is really secretive. Ayaw niyang ipaalam sa iba na kami, even to your family...
"I was the one who broke up her after graduation.I thought she was cheating on me with Neil. I despised both of them because of that. Little did I know pala, pinakiusapan niya si Neil na tulungan siyang makipaghiwalay sa akin. I refused to pursue further studies abroad dahil ayaw kong maging LDR kami. She knew that despite all her convictions, I would refuse to go abroad. Ayaw kong magkalayo kami...
"But when they staged the cheating part, it was really effective... I was furious. I wanted to forget her... Kaya tinanggap ko ang invitation letter para mag-aral sa U.S. I busied myself. I studied all I can. I totally forgot her. And the feelings also faded.
"After four years in the U.S. I went back here in the country to teach. Nang malaman niyang nasa Pinas na ako, kinita niya ako at sinabi ang lahat sa akin. She offered to rekindle our affair. I hesitated... Cheska... It didn't feel right to me. I just could not find the way I used to love her even though she sacrificed our relationship for my own good.
"Despite my refusal, she insisted na subukan pa rin namin na ibalik ang dati. Pero hindi talaga nagwowork sa akin, Cheska... Mahal ko siya pero pangkaibigan na lang. I feel so bad that she did everything to bring us back... At that point, sobrang napipilitan na lang ako. If I didn't say 'I love you, too' to her she would immediately cry. Your sister really loves me, Cheska... At alam kong gago ako kasi hindi ko na siya kayang mahalin tulad nang dati. I wish I still could... kasi kung mahal ko talaga siya, I would not agree with our arranged marriage.
"Noong ikakasal na tayo, I broke up with her. But Cheska, you can confirm this to Cine... She would not let go of me no matter what I do. That was the reason why I lied to you... Gusto kong gawin muna ang lahat na makipaghiwalay sa kanya nang hindi mo nalalaman dahil ayaw ko ring makita mo ang Ate mo in this situation. I know you look up to her because she carries herself so well. I am really sorry, Cheska... Hindi ko intensyong saktan ka..."
Matapos pakinggan ang paliwanag niya mas bumagal na ang tibok ng puso ko. Dahan-dahan akong huminga.
"I'm also sorry-"
"Shhh..." he pressed his thumb on my lips. Hinawi niya ang buhok sa mukha ko. "You don't have to be sorry... It was all my fault. I messed it up."
He then cupped my face between his hands. "I know it's gonna be hard to believe what I just said but please trust me, Cheska. When I said I wanted to work things out it was all true."
I blinked my eyes for a moment.
"I do not regret marrying you, Cheska... Napilitan lang din ako noong una sa plano nilang pagpapakasal sa atin. But every single day that I spent with you changed my mind. Magkaibang-magkaiba ang ugali natin but damn, I enjoy our small fights. I like looking at you before I sleep. I am thankful na mukha mo ang bumubungad sa akin tuwing umaga. Maybe it's too early to say this pero mahal na yata kita, Cheska..."
Upon hearing his last sentence, my heart beat like crazy. Ang rupok mo talaga! Hindi ako gumalaw sa pwesto ko dahil natatakot ako na kapag gumalaw ako baka matumba ako. Nanlambot ang mga binti ko.
Nakatitig pa rin siya sa akin. Should I say something back? Paano kung hindi naman ako sigurado sa sasabihin ko? Damn! Bakit ganito?! Parang sasabog ang ulo at puso ko.
Nahalata niya yata ang pagkataranta ko sa mga mata ko. He closed his eyes and softly moved my head toward him. He kissed the top of my head and whispered, "As I said earlier, you don't have to answer right away. I can wait."