How was Carter supposed to respond to that? She stared at Kiran, searching his eyes for something, maybe a trace of nonsense, or a drop of indecision. Like perhaps he wasn't serious with his no-friendship comment. Like he was joking around, like he used to. Was he trying to rip her heart out? Probably. Why else would he look at her like that, with those penetrating eyes of his?
Before she could say anything, or he could make things even more uneasy between them, the Physics teacher walked in and demanded silence. So for the next thirty minutes, they were pushed into a tedious textbook lesson, which gave Carter the time to figure out her next move.
Would it be so terrible if she let it happen?
Leigh was already mad at her. According to Tala, everyone already believed something was going on. So why not feed to the flame? Give them all exactly what they wanted? Besides, she wasn't sure how long she could keep up her little charade of pretending that Kiran meant nothing to her.
"Can you... give me a little time?" she whispered, bringing herself a little closer to him. There was no telling what time would do. If it would help or hinder their position. If it would calm her restless spirit, or make her more agitated. The only thing it promised was ending things between Aiden Ryerson.
"Okay," he whispered back.
Her only hope was that he wouldn't give up interest and move on by the time she finally came around.
***
Popularity was an ever-evolving, complicated thing. To an outsider, it appeared to be a superficial world. Like a rich, white utopia that was highly exclusive and looked down at those less fortunate. To Carter, it was a little more sophisticated than that. For one thing, there were a few people in that circle who didn't fit that theory. They were nice and interesting and made you wonder why they even bothered with dumb, high school social schemes. Tala and Elena, for example, were girls that Carter wished she had known longer, before she had ever gone into their world because of a random quest.
For another, what was rumoured of everyone in that elite clique was just that, a rumour. Their lives were still filled with sad stories that had nothing to do with high school at all. They were all people, and not beautiful robots designed to make the lives of others seem unimportant in comparison.
It had only been last semester when Carter and Leigh had made fun of both Tala and Elena, for the way they held themselves, as if they was above everyone else. She had seen them as nothing but pathetic lapdogs for Ashton Rhodes. It occurred to Carter that maybe they all wore popularity as a shield, masking their private lives somehow, keeping them active and in control of a place they could easily gain power.
Everybody had a story.
Though on Wednesday morning, the only story that pressed on her heart was Leigh's. Carter had never known Leigh to be so stealthy. Darting glances. Jumping corners. Getting lost in the crowd even with that burning red hair. One would think she was born to hide.
The more time passed by, the more agitated Carter became - but one thought did try to wedge its way in through all the regret. Why would Leigh let a guy come in between their friendship? It wasn't like Carter had purposely sought out Kiran, stuffed him in that closet, and forced a kiss on him. If Leigh wanted to get technical, it had all been Kiran's doing.
Screw all my stupid First World problems, Carter thought bitterly, remembering Tala's comment, as she made her way to her locker.
"Hey, can I talk to you?" someone said.
It was funny how there was nothing alluring about Aiden's face anymore. Before she had known him, she would blush whenever he was close, or try very hard to keep herself from smiling like an idiot whenever he happened to glance in her direction. Now it was different. He was longer that sickeningly attractive guy from the popular side of the world. Not to Carter, anyway.
"Sure, what's up?"
"Ashton talked to me this morning, about you and that guy in our World History class."
"Oh, uhh... what did she say?" Carter said, sounding more like a worried chicken than a girl. She cleared her throat and tried to pass it off as a non-issue.
"Did you two do anything at Elena's party?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean... did you hook up with him during that game?" It didn't seem like he was flat out accusing her, but the implication alone was enough to offend her a little.
"I don't know. I mean, we didn't hook up. We just kissed, for that game. It didn't mean anything." Lies. Lies. All lies.
"Look, it's not like we ever talked about being exclusive. I didn't expect you to be my girlfriend after one night."
"Then why are you asking?"
"Because he's into you."
"No he's not-"
"Echolls told me he paid for you name," said Aiden. So Tala Ansari had been wrong. Jack Echolls' promises were full of hot air.
"I'm sure that's not true." Except it was. Carter bit her lower lip and tried to come up with a possible escape route. She couldn't break up with him right now, could she?
"Yeah it is. I don't trust him."
"He doesn't matter. Do you trust me?"
Aiden shrugged a sad little shrug. Carter couldn't quite rationalize her question. It didn't matter if he trusted her, if he trusted anyone, because at the base of it all, their relationship was a pathetic lie. A set-up. Sure, she had butterflies in her stomach for the first couple of days, but now those butterflies lay dead, and she felt sick thinking about it.
"Maybe we should chill for a bit, until you figure out whether or not you trust me," she suggested, hoping against hope that no one was within earshot of the conversation.
"Is that what you want?"
"Yes," she said, almost too quickly. Her heart broke for him a little, but it wasn't fair of her to keep him hanging on by a fabricated thread. She had turned into one of those manipulative, bitchy cheerleader-types who pranced around hurting people for their own amusement. She had turned into Ashton Rhodes.
Nothing else was said after that. They stood in silence for what seemed like an eternity of teenage angst. Aiden then moved in slowly, kissed Carter's cheek, and walked away.
***
Some people spend their whole lives trying to push their way into the popular crowd. Many fail, because it's not a status so easily attainable. Some are born into it, with a disgustingly rich household to act as their popularity legs, or looks so unfairly attractive that anyone would become dumbfounded in their presence. There are only a small handful who manage to transition on their own. Demanding attitude, over-confidence, a way to read people and the thirst for a challenge all tie together to form a twisting of possibilities.
For Carter, it was all a state of mind.
Anyone could be popular at any given time. There were no real tricks, no make-overs required, and no complete changes of one's personality needed. What she had really done was integrate herself with that crowd, subtly, as if she had always been a part of them. She had to stay relaxed, stay smooth, and stay in sync with their world without actually changing anything about herself.
But somewhere along the way other things had messed it all up, and what was funny was that they had nothing to do with her plan.
Now she sat in the school's library, her eyes glazed over as she stared at the screen of one of the many computers that took up the central area. She had up a picture of Aladdin, and another of Prince Eric, and she kept shifting back and forth between them. It got to the point where it all became a stupid blur to her, and instead of focusing on the images, she just saw lines and shapes, melting together, turning into something horribly surreal.
When Tala sat down next to her, she barely noticed.
"Is Mulan trying to decide between Aladdin and Prince Eric?"
"Huh?" said Carter, still lost in thought.
Tala smiled and placed her backpack on the floor by her chair. "Now that I think about it, Kiran does look a little like Aladdin."
Carter's mind was already gone again. She saw herself as a cartoon character, mutlicoloured, two-dimensional and horribly helpless. A bunch of animals were surrounding her, talking to her in mumbled tones, insulting her. Hating her. Weren't they supposed to be singing cheesy songs? Making her necklaces out of flowers?
"Hello, Earth to Mulan," said a voice from far away, a hand waving in her face.
"What? What do you want?" Carter hissed.
"What's wrong with you?"
"Sorry. Aiden and I... we sort of... broke up? I don't even know." It should be okay, shouldn't it? She had put a quick end to a quick, fake relationship, and opened up a path to Kiran. So why did she feel so lost and broken?
"Oh. Right. I heard."
"How did you hear? It just happened."
"I have my ways," Tala said with a wicked smile. "It's good that you did. Now you and Kiran can get together."
"Oh my God, stop it."
"Why? It's obvious you want him. I should've known you wanted him when you lied to me about him having a girlfriend-"
"I only told you that because of Leigh," Carter snapped. She was getting a bit annoyed with Tala's relentless need to put her nose into everyone's business.
"Something tells me you've always wanted him. Maybe you never let yourself believe it because of Leigh."
"That's stupid. I didn't always want him, and it's all his fault anyway. He made all of this happen. If he hadn't kissed me, I wouldn't be in this mess. Leigh would be talking to me, and I'd still be with Aiden."
Tala chuckled a little. "You're so full of crap. It's really not hard to not kiss someone you don't like. You could've pushed him away. You didn't, though, did you?"
Carter fell silent. In the all the years she had known Kiran, she hadn't ever considered him as anything more than a friend. Then again, she had never allowed herself to look at him in any other way, and maybe it did indeed have everything to do with Leigh. If Leigh had never been in love Kiran, would him and Carter have happened already?
There was no other guy in the world Carter would want to spend time with, to joke around with, to be herself in front of, more than Kiran Jones.
Maybe their story hadn't even started yet.
***
By the end of the day, every single person in the entire school knew that Carter Vance and Aiden Ryerson had broken up. Some were upset, claiming that they had been the hottest, cutest couple and that their break-up proved that the world was a cruel, unfair place. Some were overjoyed, because it cleared the way for them to have a shot with Aiden.
"You guys were so cute together. I'm so sorry you broke up," Sterling stated. Her and Dawn, or Diana, had found Carter in the back of the library.
Carter was sitting against the wall of the very last aisle in the area. Her books were scattered all over the floor, and she had her Physics textbook propped up on her lap. One would think that the Useless Inventions section of a library was a place safe from all the madness. No such luck.
"Yeah, well, sometimes people break up," Carter replied, her voice monotone. She hoped it would give off the impression that she didn't want to talk about it.
"I was so sure you'd last. Like, we were all going to nominate you for Junior Prom King and Queen."
"Well, now everyone can nominate Ashton Rhodes, and the world will make sense again," Carter said bitterly. She wondered if there was anything she could possibly say to end this stupid conversation.
"But nobody likes her. She's such an annoying bitch," Sterling said. Dawn, or Diana, nodded in agreement.
"Okay, then nominate Tala. She deserves it more than me anyway."
Sterling and her friend exchanged glances. Strange glances, like perhaps there was something behind Carter's comment that she wasn't aware of. Neither of them spoke.
"What? What's wrong with her?"
"You don't know?"
Carter shook her head and waited, hating herself for caring for what was probably made-up gossip.
"We heard she hates you. Like really hates you. I mean whatever, that wouldn't be a big deal normally, but apparently she's been pushing Ashton Rhodes to start fights with you. Like, she's the one controlling Ashton, making her tell stuff to your friend Leigh. She was also the one who told Aiden whatever it was that made you two break up. I don't know the details, really, it's only what we picked up from Melody."
Carter suddenly felt like she had missed a step, like her whole world was sinking.