"Tisa," I vaguely heard someone whisper my name. I wasn't sure if I was dreaming as I rolled over, my eyes still shut tight.
"Tisa," I heard again. "Tisa, honey, do you want some dinner?"
I felt a hand on my shoulder, shaking me awake. I opened my eyes slightly to see Penny with a look of concern on her face. I shook my head, the best way I could manage.
"No," I muttered. "I just want to sleep."
"Sure thing, baby doll," she whispered. I felt her pull off my boots before she lifted the blanket to cover me. I sighed and fell immediately back to sleep.
I had a dream where Harry and James's roles were reversed. Harry was my husband, and I was having an affair with James. Even in my dream, I was sick to my stomach, knowing I was doing a horrible thing. But the worst thing of all was the look on Harry's face when he found out. I woke up drenched in sweat, and I felt like I had a fever. I made it to the bathroom before I dry heaved over the toilet. My entire body felt clammy as I ran a cool washcloth down my face. I tiptoed into the kitchen, hoping to find something to settle my stomach. Because I hadn't eaten dinner, I figured I needed to get something in me. I opened the fridge to find the leftovers of whatever Penny had made, but one whiff sent me back to the bathroom.
After washing my face once more, I dug in my bag and found some aspirin to take. At least it would get rid of the pounding in my head. I settled on a piece of dry toast and some ginger ale, and slipped out onto the veranda to eat it, letting the cold night air blow through me and lower my temperature.
I hated being sick. I supposed it might not actually be the flu, though it felt like it. It could have been stress-induced. With all that had happened in the last week, it was no wonder. The stress and worry had finally caught up with me and my body had given out. I took deep breaths, releasing them slowly, trying my best not to throw up again. I nibbled on my toast until it was all gone, then walked back inside. I sat on my bed and grabbed my phone to look at the time. 3:42AM. Way too late and way too early to call or text Harry. I really wanted to talk to him, but it would have to wait.
I gently laid back down, feeling weak but slightly better than I had when I woke up. I was still hot, so I left the covers off as I shut my eyes and listened to my own breathing until I drifted off to sleep once again.
When I woke up the next time, I could tell it was morning. Sunlight streamed dimly through the blinds as I opened my eyes slightly, and I felt a hand on my forehead.
"Tisa, you're burning up," murmured Penny.
"Yeah," I groaned. "I caught a bug or something."
"I'll be right back." Penny walked away with her lips pursed. I tried my best to sit up when she returned with a glass of water and a basket.
"Pills or liquid?" she inquired, holding the basket out for me to see its contents. An array of medicines filled it including cough syrup, fever reducers, Pepto-Bismol and even an anti-depressant. I chose the Ibuprofen and took the water from her other hand.
"Do you want something to eat?" Penny asked when I'd swallowed the pills.
I shook my head. "Not right now."
I placed the water glass on the end table and laid my head back on the pillow, suddenly feeling a chill. Penny pulled the blankets back up, covering me to my neck.
"You just get some rest," she insisted. "I have to leave for work."
I shut my eyes and nodded. Once Penny was gone, I realized I should inform Harry that I wouldn't be at class. I texted him a short message that I was ill and I'd talk to him later, followed by the kissing and sleeping emojis. Then I buried myself under the covers and went back to sleep.
Once again I had an awful dream. This time Harry was cheating on me. I'd caught him kissing some girl in a bar. Her back was turned to me, so I couldn't see her face. But her bright red hair told me it was Liz. Then suddenly she turned around to glare at me, and it wasn't Liz at all. She had Justine's face. I was so livid, I was about to run up to her and slap her when I caught a glimpse of Harry smirking at me. He thought all of this was funny.
"How could you?" I asked him, tears streaming down my face. I felt as though my heart was on fire.
"What do you mean?" he continued to smirk, rolling his eyes at me.
"I thought you loved me," I cried.
"You thought wrong."
I sat up in bed, trying desperately to regulate my breathing. I felt sick to my stomach again, so I ran for the toilet. I didn't know how I managed to throw up anything since all I'd had was toast and liquids since the last vomiting episode, but somehow I did. After brushing my teeth and feeling weaker than ever, I stumbled back toward the bed just as I heard a knock at the door. I wanted whomever it was to go away, but curiosity got the best of me so I made a detour for the front door. All emotions came washing over me as soon as I saw Harry's face.
"Hi, baby," he said in a very soothing voice. I lost it.
"Oh, Harry!" I exclaimed, crashing into him, crying into his shoulder.
"Whoa. Hold on, love, let me put these down."
It was only then that I noticed the bags in his hands. I backed away so he could enter the apartment before shutting the door behind him. He placed the bags on Penny's dinette table and turned around. The look in his eyes told me he hated seeing me like this. The tears streamed down my face and my chest shook.
"Baby," he held out his arms, "what's wrong?"
I ran to him, throwing my arms around his neck. He squeezed me tight, allowing me to cry, to let it all out. He ran his hands up and down my back, reminding me how much he loved me. It was just a bad dream. A nightmare. I knew it was, but it still shook me to the core.
"Please don't leave me," I sobbed.
"Oh sweetheart," he breathed into my hair. "Never."
He held me until my body finally stilled and my crying stopped. Then he lifted my chin to look at him.
"What brought this on?" he asked, his brow furrowed.
I shook my head, finally realizing how ludicrous it was. "Stupid, stupid dream."
Harry frowned in sympathy before rubbing my back once more. I continued to hold onto him as though for dear life, my head resting against his chest.
"What's this?" I pointed at the paper bags on the table.
"You didn't get my text?" Harry asked, releasing me.
"I've been asleep until ten minutes ago."
"I thought I would bring you some get-well food," he announced, reaching for the first bag. He pulled out two bowls of soup from that one and two deli sandwiches from the second.
"I love you," I declared weakly.
A smile spread across Harry's face before he leaned over to kiss me on the forehead. "I love you, too."
I managed to eat half of my sandwich and about a quarter of my soup and kept it down. I still felt like hell warmed over, but my headache had subsided and I could tell my fever had broken. I told Harry I was going to take a shower. My pajamas were sticking to my body from all the sweating I had done, and I was dying to get out of them and get clean.
When I returned from the bathroom, my towel wrapped around me, Harry was lying on my couch-bed watching a game show, his legs crossed at the ankles.
"You could have folded that up if you wanted to sit on the couch," I chuckled.
"No, this is comfortable," he said, his arm behind his head. "Besides, I reckoned you'd want to lie down."
I grinned as I sorted through my duffle bag for clean underwear, then opened the coat closet and pulled out a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. I dressed quickly, then joined Harry on the bed.
"How are you feeling?" he inquired as I lifted my head so he could wrap his arm around me.
"Gross," I pouted.
"I'm sorry," he frowned, muting the TV.
"It's probably just a twenty-four hour bug. I should be better tomorrow."
Harry eyed me, not saying anything. The silence between us was loud, however. He had known I'd gone to talk to Justine. I had yet to tell him the whole story, but he waited patiently for me to begin.
"So I got the truth from Justine," I said, my lower lip trembling. "Or at least what she wanted tell me. I don't know what the truth is anymore."
The waterworks began again. Harry held me until I was able to speak, then listened intently as I told him everything Justine had said the night before. I made sure I didn't leave anything out, just in case there was anything in her story that didn't gel.
"Wow," exclaimed Harry when I'd finished. "I have to say, I had my suspicions about James, but I didn't think it would be Justine."
"You thought he was having an affair?"
"Well, I didn't know for sure, Tisa," he said, his fingers lightly brushing my arm. "But I thought perhaps he was already cheating on you before we ever met."
"Really?" I raised my eyebrows in question. "Do you still think that?"
"I don't know," he shrugged. He seemed to be pondering something for a moment before continuing. "I remember you told me once that it had been a long time since you'd...been together. A few years I think you said?"
"Yes," I replied with slight hesitation.
"I know you didn't really elaborate on that, and I didn't ask you to. But it made me wonder if...perhaps he was getting it elsewhere."
I bit my lip and looked down, avoiding eye contact with Harry. When I didn't offer up any explanation, he sighed.
"I'm sorry," he muttered. "It was none of my business. That was your private life, long before I came along. And it probably has nothing to do with this. I shouldn't have brought it up."
"No. It's alright," I responded as I absent-mindedly traced the pattern on the blanket. "I know it's sort of been this unspoken thing between us, like this huge question mark of my past. The truth is, I still haven't told you everything about me, and for that I should apologize."
"What is it, baby?" Harry asked. When I didn't say anything right away, he lifted my chin to look at him, his green eyes burning into mine. "You can tell me anything."
I knew that he was right. I felt it deep down in my soul. Every single movement, gaze and expression that he ever gave me, not just at that moment, told me I could reveal all of myself to him, with no judgment or holds barred. Inhaling a jagged breath, I let it out slowly and began.
"I just...I haven't told you this because...I didn't want you to think bad of me."
"I doubt that's even possible," he voiced.
"Well," I swallowed, "the sleeping arrangement we had...the separate rooms...started out merely because James snored. I had a hard time getting any restful sleep. So I began sleeping in the guest room."
"Okay," nodded Harry.
"Eventually, it turned into something else I suppose."
"What do you mean?"
"I didn't feel the desire, so to speak...anymore. I mean, I did, but not as much as I used to. Sometimes James would come into my room, or I'd go to his, and we'd make love. But after a while I stopped going to him altogether. I'm sure he picked up on it, but he wouldn't say anything. At least not in the beginning. That's kind of when I noticed he would work late a lot. It actually eased my mind a little bit because I knew once he got home he'd be too tired and I would be asleep."
Harry blinked slowly, but let me continue.
"Eventually he stopped coming to my room altogether. I can't say I didn't question it. All kind of thoughts started invading my mind - was he cheating on me? Was he no longer attracted to me? How long could this go on before he said something, or worse, left? But the thing that remained constant, was that he told me he loved me. It might have while he was kissing me goodbye in the morning or when he got home, or it might have just been in passing. But the words were there, always, everyday."
Harry shifted his weight on the bed to get in a more comfortable position, but his eyes stayed locked on mine.
"I realize now that words don't mean everything. But because he had known about my situation with Mark, there was no way he would say those words to me if he didn't mean them." I sighed, realizing I was talking in circles. "The truth is, I had fallen out of love with him. Long before I'd met you. I just didn't know it then. I was in denial, so to keep myself from feeling guilty, I focused on telling myself that my husband loved me and I should be grateful."
"Do you still think he loved you?" Harry asked quietly.
"I don't know," I shrugged. "I guess even now I'm trying to justify his actions. Like maybe he didn't feel the same about me anymore either, but stayed out of obligation. I always felt like he was trying to make the best life for the both of us. Even if it wasn't ideal."
Harry sighed this time, running his fingers through his hair. I watched him as he shifted again to lie on his back, his jaw set, one arm behind his head, the other resting across his stomach. He was silent for a few minutes.
"What are you thinking?" I finally inquired.
His brows knitted, he spoke firmly at the ceiling. "I'm thinking it's a load of bullshit."
"Me?"
"No, James. And this Justine mess."
"You think it's a lie?" I asked.
"No, not necessarily. But I think there's more to it. And I don't think this is his first affair." Harry turned his head toward me with sleepy eyes.
"Do...do you think he wasn't really working late when he said he was?" I gulped.
Harry nodded. "I think that's very likely."
I sucked in my lips and blew out a deep breath. "Doesn't really matter now though, does it? I mean, look at us. We have no room to talk."
"Tisa," he said, placing his hand on my neck underneath my ear, "I know we didn't get together in the best way possible. But I'd do it all over again if it meant I'd have you in the end."
I felt myself blush as my mouth grew into a smile. "Me too."
Harry leaned forward and brushed my lips ever so softly with his own. He was careful not to go too far, knowing I still wasn't feeling well. He let his fingers tangle in my hair as he kissed my nose and my forehead.
"I still don't understand this lawyer thing," I announced. "Why was she having dinner and getting drunk with him?"
Harry groaned and ran his hand down his face. "Hell if I know. Perhaps she's sleeping with him too."
"Harry," I scoffed.
He chuckled lightly, letting me know he wasn't that serious. "Honestly, Tisa, I don't care. Let's stop talking about it now."
"Sounds good to me."
Harry unmuted the TV and I cuddled up beside him, my arm across his waist. Sensing my distress, he ran his hand down my shoulder.
"We'll get this through this, babe," he murmured. "Don't worry."
I hugged him close, releasing only slightly. I knew again that he was right. As they say there's a light at the end of the tunnel. But after all of my fear, uncertainty and anguish, I had a hard time believing it would be there. I just had to give it time.
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