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Ashton
I had made sure to never tell me how things really were, how bad things could really get in my head. I would just find myself watching myself spiraling out of control unable to stop. So Ashton never knew that I could be a disaster blowing around the pieces of life into chaos like a hurricane. I tried to keep it so he hardly even saw me picking up the pieces afterwards. After all the years, I'd gotten better at that part.
But I had never planned for a crowd to swarm us. Really I should have but you know that they say hindsight is always clearer. They just started swarming him and by extension me and the second his fingers fell from my hands, I felt my chest close off. My chest started to violently heave trying to get air while my vision got blurry and my awareness faded away into an out of body experience.
I struggled to look for a way out, just any way out, any way I could use to get out and get to where I could breathe. I hated when I couldn't even breathe and this is so different from Asthma since a puff of an inhaler wouldn't do a damned thing.
"Y/N?" I somehow heard Ashton say over the crowd. I was too busy spinning, spinning in place and spinning out of control, to notice. It just registered but I was already too far gone to do anything.
Please just let it be over I prayed in my head.
"Ash, look at her." I heard Calum say to my left but again, I only registered his words.
"What..." I heard Ashton say. Right then I couldn't even register the words anymore, just that they were saying everything and Ashton's voice was raised. I could feel the gawking of the fan girls surrounding me. I could feel their eyes and it definitely wasn't helping me.
I still couldn't breathe. All I wanted to do was breathe.
I vaguely felt a hand on my arm pulling me through and I saw my environment begin to change. The crowd faded away into less occupied halls and I remember stumbling over stairs and down more hallways and going through a room then out onto a balcony. The fresh air was such a relief that I just sank to the floor.
Many moments of sobbing and catching my breath later, I realized someone was with me and they were talking.
"...What just happened to you? Are you ok? Calum said we should consider calling an ambulance. If you're having like a panic attack we should call an ambulance. God, I feel like I'm gonna be sick. Are you ok? Can you breathe? Are you ok? Please talk to me..." They were saying. Out of the corners of my eye I could see them pacing. Steadily my head cleared and my breathing evened out and I could finally be aware of my environment again. Then I realized that it was Ashton.
My heart started to pound with worry but it wasn't another anxiety attack, just worry about how he was going to react when I explained it to him, the way I am.
"It wasn't a panic attack, but it was like one. Some water and time and I'll be ok..." I started before trailing off. Ash let out a sigh of relief and knelt in front of me to meet my eyes.
"So what was it?" He asked sincerely. I took a deep, shaky breath.
"An anxiety attack. Not severe enough to go to the hospital thankfully." I said and he looked at me for a moment before speaking.
"You never said anything about anxiety attacks." He said, sounding almost hurt, and I sighed bringing my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them.
"It's not like it's anything I'm proud of or want people to know." I said sharply.
"If I knew that you had anxiety attacks, I would have done things differently, such as setting it up to avoid crowds." He said in a gentle voice but that hurt edge was still there.
"I didn't want you to treat me differently." I whispered putting my face on my knees.
"If I had known, I could have helped you." He said and I snapped my head to look at me. He was looking at me sympathetically.
"I never wanted you to look at me the way you're looking me now. Like I'm a bird with a broken wing you have to protect from the world. I'm not great but I am fine and while I still have anxiety and the attacks, I can take care of myself!" I snapped at him.
"I never said that." Ashton said in a soft voice.
"Not out loud but your eyes did."
"But maybe I could help you, help you become better." He said and I wanted to scream for a fraction of a second.
"There really is no being 'better.' This isn't something with a cure, Ashton. This is part of me and this is something I have to deal with. It's not part of you or what you have to deal with, ok?"
"Fine! Then I won't do anything to make you better. But would you let me support you? I can at least do that right? I'm still your boyfriend even if you never bothered to tell me this." He said in a much angrier voice. In some ways I liked yelling 'cause when you yelled you got it out and then you can move on with resolving it. Bottling it up you can't resolve anything. Have you realized I'm a hypocrite yet? Sue me for trying to save my pride.
"You can support me but please don't look at me like I'm a china doll. I am strong and capable and really, it's not as severe as it used to be. I started having less worries when I got with you." I said and I watched as he moved closer to me with a soft smile on his face.
"I know you're strong but now just know you can call me whenever this happens, even if all you want to do is cry to me or hold my hand. I know I can do that." He said gently and I nodded. He started to open his arms and I let myself lean into him to lean on him. I might not be strong enough to climb my mountain alone but with him there to lean on, I was feeling more optimistic about it.
Calum
I was staring at the ceiling straining to listen to Calum's breathing next to me to try to calm down but it was already too late, my thoughts were already spinning out of control. Just worries spinning through my brain almost too fast for me to process them. An endless stream of thoughts making my heart race and my stomach churn uneasily.
Why couldn't my own brain leave me alone on one of the few nights I had with Calum? Granted, my worries mostly revolved around Calum and us. Yes that us, the us, the us that when anyone starts thinking about you know that you're gonna start thinking about unhappy what-ifs. The worst pair of words in the world.
What if the fans hate me and hurt me?
What if they send me hate and my anxiety gets that much, that being exponentially, worse?
What if we break up? What will I be like then?
What if I can't be a part of his life?
What if he stops loving me?
What if he comes to hate me?
What if I'll never have a normal head?
What if I can't get any sleep? What does that mean for tomorrow?
What if he can't understand this part of me?
At that point I couldn't just lay still in the bed so I slipped away and went down the stairs to pace. I just went back and forth letting my movements echo those of my thoughts. I just had to move until the thoughts slowed down and I needed noise. Lots of noise. I needed some other sound in my head. I grabbed my iPod and plugged in my ear buds playing some of my louder music. I paced and struggled to direct my attention onto the music.
At one point, I remember stopping placing my hands on the kitchen table. I had to tell myself that I could do this, I could control my own thoughts. I could direct the thoughts.
Then I continued what I was doing before. Some time later, my thoughts had become more stable so I took my headphones out and laid down on the couch. I flicked on the TV and put in the first Harry Potter movie and I listened.
"Hey..." I heard Calum say in a drowsy voice from the stairs. I moved to look at him. I took a moment to appreciate him sleepily rubbing his eyes only wearing his boxers.
"Hi, sorry if I woke you up." I said and he shrugged going to the kitchen and getting a glass of water.
"Bed got cold." He explained and I nodded.
"Hmm..." I sighed as he gulped water.
"You couldn't sleep again huh?" He asked knowing how my anxiety manifested itself. I nodded as he came to the couch sitting in front of me.
"Want to talk about it?"
"I know that was overthinking everything, or ruminating."
"That's what your therapist calls it right?" He asked and I shrugged.
"So do you want to talk?" He asked again.
"Sure..." I trailed off.
"Ok but if we're gonna talk we are going to in our bed." He said stretching and I nodded following him up the stairs.
"So what was going in that pretty little head?" He asked facing me as he laid on his pillow.
"Just thinking about what-ifs about us..." I said vaguely.
"Like what?" He said.
"What will happen when we go public and what if I can't be a part of your life and what if you can't take me the way I am..." I said deciding to stop there.
"I full plan on taking you just the way you are now." He said with an open smile.
"Even though on some scales I'm crazy?" I asked and he shrugged.
"Do you see how nuts the people in my band are?"
"But none of them have anxiety."
"No, but as long as you tell me this stuff, I can resolve your worries." He explained.
"So what about me being a part of your life?" I asked slowly.
"Hmm, well there's nothing I want more than that so that's definitely happening. I'll fight for that so all I want is for you to fight for it too, if you want it." He said and I nodded.
"I love you Calum." I said and he smiled sliding closer to me in the bed.
"I love you too." He said kissing my forehead.
"You really are amazing."
"Hey, you want to know something random I've noticed." He said and I nodded.
"You don't have nights like on nights we have sex." He said and I giggled.
"Endorphins." I explained and he shrugged.
"Just in case you want to know the trend I've noticed to possibly avoid this." He said and I nodding resting against his chest.
He was a good boyfriend.
Michael
I just wanted everything to stop. Just everything. I wantedthe world to stop turning so I wouldn't feel as sick. I wanted my head andheart to stop racing at an equally nauseating pace. I wanted everything to just stop so I would a second to breath, just one second. It's hard to escape your own thoughts; you never can get away.
My thoughts would be whirling, twirling, spinning, moving, drowning and killing me. You're not supposed to feel like you're dying when all you're doing is trying.
So I sat on the floor with my head in my hands crying but that wasn't unusual. Everything had been going so well but today hadn't been a good day. I just kept thinking 'can I really do this?' Of course the 'this' hadn't been that clear either.
I just needed something to make it stop except there had only ever been one thing that could get me to stop.
Michael.
But he wasn't here now. No. He was far away, on tour. Sometimes I felt like I would only ever pull him down into the endless darkness with me rather than him pulling me out. How could I expect him to pull me out? How could I expect him to save me? Only I can save me but I don't even know how... How can I save myself? If not for me, then for him?
I was still crying, I can't even tell what I was crying about. Maybe I was crying for the disease that was taking over my head. Maybe I was crying because I needed Michael and he wasn't here. Maybe I was crying for myself. Maybe I was crying for my life. Maybe I was crying for something trivial. I just didn't know. My thoughts were moving too fast for me to process them. That's just how it is.
But I still needed Michael. My hand shakily reached for my phone pressing his speed dial. While I listened to the ringing, I tried to even my breathing. Even though he knew how bad it could be, I still didn't want him to know how bad this was.
"Hey Y/N," He said cheerfully answering the phone. I could see it, his face with the smile I loved.
"Hi..." I said with a wavering breath. That was enough for him to know.
"Hold on..." He said with a completely change in his voice. I had his full attention and a lot of the happiness in his voice was gone.
I listened as he said something to the others then doors opening and closing for a little while.
"Ok, I'm alone now." He said and I sniffled.
"Oh Michael..." I whimpered squeezing my eyes shut as if that would keep me together. I never knew if I could ever be strong enough to keep together but once I began to unravel I know I knew I couldn't keep it together anymore, I could only pick up the pieces afterwards.
"Hey, I'm right here." He said and I flashed back to all the times he'd said that. I could feel the way he held me as he said that. The way he kept me together while letting me fall apart. It was the perfect way that he held me that I missed the most, right after just missing him.
"I... I just..." I said starting to explain what had happened but I couldn't figure out what had caused it so I just trailed off.
"I know... I know..." He said softly. I wondered if he'd have his hand pressed to his head, worrying about me or wondering how he could help.
"Why is it so hard?" I asked as more tears came out of my eyes.
"I don't know, baby, I don't know..." He said in the same voice. I felt my breathing evening out. Somehow, even without actively trying, he could calm me. Just seeing him when he was here was almost enough. Hearing his voice was only a little less helpful than that.
"...I miss you." I said with a sniffle.
"I miss you, too." He said in a strained voice. We were silent for a while, as I calmed down and he waited.
"How's the tour going?" I asked finally.
"It's good. I love performing but I miss going to sleep with you. Sometimes I think of each stop as one step closer to you." He said and I chuckled hollowly.
"It's not too much longer..." I said.
"So how bad was it today?" He asked and I sighed.
"Wasn't my worst... Thanks for picking up." I said letting out a breath.
"Don't thank me for that. Really, sometimes I really think I should be there." He said in that strained voice.
"Don't say that. You're where you need to be." I said quickly.
"I'll be back soon." He said and I nodded before I realized that he couldn't hear that.
"Hm, mmm." I replied.
"Hey, I kind of have to get back. I'll call you back when we're done and you can really talk. OK?" He said.
"Yeah, have fun. I love you." I said knowing I could handle it from that point.
"I love you, too." He said before hanging up.
I could never really thank him enough for staying with me, I thought as I put the phone down on the ground.
Luke
Everything was falling apart and I couldn't but feel like I was the black hole behind it all. It was always me causing the destruction. It was always me. I was like a bomb, waiting to explode. I was always so close to screaming. I was always so close to losing myself or to losing the hold I had on the world. I would lose my grip.
That's what happened that night. It was always something that would be stupid in the day light, stupid through clear eyes but that was the thing, I wouldn't have any clarity or perspective. But I had called Luke knowing that he'd be done recording but he hadn't picked up. Calum texted me that they were gonna go out for a bit. Luke had promised to come home. I called him again but he still didn't pick up. Not wanting to seem like the crazy girlfriend, I decided to stop calling but that was when I started worrying. That was where it went south. Whenever I started to worry, my brain always took me to the bad places until I had gone crazy. At that point, I had gone into the bathroom to try to convince myself to stop being so crazy. It hadn't gone well. I found myself sitting on the floor then with my fingers pulling at my hair the rational side of my brain uselessly trying to get control.
A short while later, I heard the apartment door opening.
"Home!" Luke called through the rooms. I slid my fingers out of my hair but curled into a ball with my knees to my chest without getting up.
"Y/N?" he called again, this time closer.
"Oh." He said from the doorway to the bathroom. That's when I decided to stand up, to show him what worrying about him had done to me. My face was red, my eyes puffy, scratch marks streaked across my arms, and my hands were in fists while my nose ran.
"I was worried." I said simply punctuating my words at the end with a sniff.
"I didn't..." He started.
"I know." I said quickly, with an edge. "You were supposed to be home a while ago." I said turning to the sink and splashing water on my face.
"I couldn't say no to going out. It was Alex and John and Jack and if I said I wanted to see you, Michael would've given me so much shit." He explained and I turned to shoot him with a glare. He stopped talking.
"Yeah, Calum told me." I said.
"Is that what this is about?" He asked holding his hands out.
"No. Not really." I said dismissively before facing him again. "Do you not want to be with me so bad that you don't even want to bother with telling me when you'll be home?" I asked crossing my arms.
"I never said that!" He cried and I dropped my arms shaking my head.
"Whatever." I said brushing past him and going to bed. I knew it was childish, lashing out at him. It was just hard to be honest and I hated when I looked crazy even if I was crazy. My pride was a little too strong. If I was honest, I would have not even said anything, I would have just stepped into his arms and never left. That was just a lot harder to do than snap at him.
"Hey..." I heard him say coming in a little while later. I had heard him going through the apartment turning off the lights and locking the doors and changing for bed. I tried not to move to keep up the façade of sleeping.
"I know you're not asleep." He said and I turned over.
"How?" I asked.
"That position is not how you sleep. You're either a ball or a starfish or wrapped up against me. Depends on the temperature." He said with a small smile. I glared again.
"Mr. Know it all." I said under my breath.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," he said walking up to the bed. "So are you actually going to tell me what was really wrong?" He asked slipping into the covers reaching out for me. I let him rest his hand against my face with that stupid sincerity in his eyes.
"I was actually honest." I said tempted to stick my tongue out at him. I was thinking of when I asked him if he really wanted to be with me.
"When you asked me that?" He asked and I nodded burying my face in the pillow. Yes, I know I was being immature, thank you. "Do you honestly think there's anywhere else I'd rather be than here with you?" He asked slowly moving his arms until they were draped around me.
"Sometimes I do." I confessed and he shook his head.
"Well let me just tell you I love you and I love being with you although being with you when you're lashing out at me might not be my favorite." He said and I sighed moving to curl against him, accepting the comfort and love he was giving me.
"I know. I just... It's hard to admit what I really feel when the anxiety comes in." I whispered against his chest.
"I understand that but I want to know so I can understand. When I see that you're in tears or have been in tears, I want to know what happened, especially if it was something I did. I want to know so I know exactly how to help or support you. I don't know what you're thinking when you're worrying but all I want to do is make those worries go away. OK?" He said petting my head.
"So I'm not allowed to worry about you?" I asked raising an eyebrow as I looked at him.
"No, I want you to worry about me in the same ways I worry about you. I just don't want to uselessly worry to the degree where you lose your grip." He said consoling.
"I think I can be better about that." I said breathing out slowly.
"Good, because loving someone does mean you worry about them." He said.
"So how do you worry about me?"
"I worry if you'll be ok. I worry about how much you miss me, like it worries me thinking that you miss me less than I miss you. I know it doesn't make sense but its stuff like that. I worry about your grades on big projects. I worry about other guys and stuff." He said and I found myself giggling.
"Oh wow, that's cheesy." I giggled and I felt a laugh rumble through his chest.
"Well I am in love with you in a very cheesy way." He said and I laughed.
"I love you too."
"I know."
"That's not how you're supposed to respond." I said and he shrugged.
"You better?"
"Yeah thanks," I said and really, I could never thank him enough for everything he did for me, to support me.
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I had to repost this sorry!
*creds to tumblr*