Trigger Warnings: Louis talks about eating disorders [also, sorry this is so long!]
Louis rolled around in his bed, his head feeling fuzzy not sure what jolted him awake, but trying to keep himself up for at least a minute or two to make sure there wasn't a party going on that he had to shut down. The first years all seemed too exhausted now that it was the second semester- Louis hadn't had to break up any parties in weeks. Satisfied by the silence, Louis cuddled back up into his warm blankets, his eyelids heavy as he started to drift back asleep.
Until he heard it again.
Someone was knocking. On his door. He fumbled for his phone to check the time, the glare of the screen harsh on his sleepy eyes. Two in the morning.
Louis stumbled out of bed, trying to kick his way out of the tangle of sheets on his bed that were holding him captive.
Louis opened the door, half convinced he was still asleep when he saw him.
Harry.
"Truce?" the green eyed boy whispered, his blanket wrapped around him so tight Louis thought it must be holding him together.
Louis just nodded, his mouth open a little, his eyes wide. He wasn't processing anything, just standing with his hand still resting on the door handle as he tried to make sense of what was going on.
"Wanna talk," Harry mumbled, bringing the blanket up to his mouth, muffling his words a bit as he spoke. "Sorry I woke you up, but I need to, I want to talk, okay? Is that okay? Not here though, can we go... I don't know, somewhere else?"
"Of course," Louis said without thinking. His mouth answered before he could make a decision, and he slipped into his well worn pair of Vans, his hands trembling a bit as he grabbed his hoodie.
"Where are we going?" Harry asked, following Louis down the hall after he'd locked up his dorm room.
"The courtyard- it's beautiful at night, I promise." Louis used to go out to the courtyard to light up with Michael, giggling about nothing until the sun came up.
The two walked side by side to the courtyard, Louis' hand naturally drifting toward Harry's before he pulled it away.
There was something ethereal about Harry in the moonlight, the way the pale glow softened his curls, caught a gentle glimmer about his skin even when he wasn't wearing makeup. His green eyes looked dark and round, and he walked out onto the grass peacefully, laying his blanket down and lying down in the middle of the empty courtyard, looking up at the stars.
"I haven't seen you in..." Louis started as he tentatively settled onto the blanket, not sure how much space he was supposed to leave between them when they were already so distanced.
"Five weeks," Harry finished. "I know."
"What have you been up to?" Louis asked, feeling a tightness in his chest as he scrambled to form a picture in his head of what Harry could have been up to for that amount of time. He just needed to know- needed to know he was okay, needed to know he was happy- Louis' steady heartbeats counted on it as their metronome.
"Therapy mostly," Harry said quietly. "Group therapy, grief counselling, stress management courses, individual therapy..." he sighed. "I'm done with the stress one now though- it was just a workshop- and the grief counselling was just for two sessions, so I'm basically doing to two hours a week right now and I want to get down to just one. And I'm taking these vitamins to balance things out a bit better, and aromatherapy for anxiety, and yoga," he smiled faintly. "Even got acupuncture to help with the nightmares... I've been pretty high maintenance lately, but I wanted to test everything out so I could learn how to take care of myself."
Louis smiled a little, relief flooding through him like a warm bath slowly filling up. Harry learning how to treat his own anxiety was a massive weight off Louis' shoulders. Whether Harry was seeing someone or not, learning how to deal with his moods on his own was important- even back when he was with Louis, it just wasn't possible for Louis to be there every moment Harry might need him. And now that Louis wasn't there for any of Harry's moods, it was comforting to know that he could take care of himself when he needed to.
"That's good that you're working on things, I'm really happy for you," Louis said.
The green eyed boy turned on his side to look at Louis, and Louis felt his breath being pulled out of his lungs, taking a moment to sculpt a sentence, the words catching in his throat and tangling in his mouth. He'd forgotten how gorgeous Harry was.
"Are you doing okay with everything that happened with your dad?" Louis asked. "I wanted to call you to make sure you were okay, but Niall called me first and said you weren't comfortable talking to me," Louis drew in a deep breath. "I didn't want to make anything worse, but I just need to know if you're okay."
"Grief counselling helped," Harry said slowly. "And I went down to visit my mum and sister the other weekend, I got to visit where my dad... where he's resting. That helped. I didn't really know him though," Harry said. "So it's been strange to try and process it. Sorry about Niall, like, banning you from calling or texting me, he's been helping me work through everything. I really needed some space to work on taking care of myself."
Louis nodded, before he remembered suddenly. "Oh my God," he said, "About what I said about Niall sleeping with someone and not telling you, I didn't mean to make things weird between you two, I hope I didn't-"
"It's fine," Harry said. "We talked about it," he sighed. "And Gemma can make her own decisions... there's not much to be mad about, just- I wish he would've told me. But people don't tell me things," Harry said quietly. "Because everyone's scared I'm too breakable. Right?"
"Haz, I didn't mean it like that," Louis said, his blue eyes pleading.
"No, it's true," Harry said. "I'm working on it though."
Harry's words tingled across Louis' skin, the older boy ached hearing Harry's voice again. "And how's school going? Are you keeping up with the workload?"
"I know you're a journalist, Lou," Harry said with a ghost of a smile, "But enough questions, alright? I want to hear about you. About what you've been through, about- God, just about everything, alright? I couldn't sleep because I just needed to know... no matter how shitty things ended with us, I don't want you to spend the rest of your life thinking that someone you dated for almost six months didn't care about the things you've been through. I just don't want you to remember me like that- don't want you to remember us like that. I want to listen now, Lou. I'm ready."
"I don't know if that's-"
"Tell me everything... please," he whispered, moving a little closer to Louis, careful to keep some space between the two, although they were close enough now that Louis could practically feel Harry's warmth seeping into his skin.
"I don't know where to start," Louis admitted, letting out a small sigh.
Harry bit his lip thoughtfully, twisting the braided hem of the blanket between his fingertips. "You binge eat," he whispered, his voice turning up in the end almost in a question. "We've never... we've never talked about that."
"I started that when I was starting high school," Louis said, but it didn't feel like an answer, and he was going to add just a little more on, but it started to tumble out. "My parents were fighting and it was hard to fit in at the new school and the teachers kept putting so much pressure on us... and food just helped fill something empty I guess. I used to eat when I got home from school, I was always too nervous to eat during lunchtime at school, but I'd be so hungry by the time I got home, I'd just, I mean, I'd really eat everything... just cheezie crackers and Oeros and and those little crisp packets," Louis' voice shook a little as he spoke. "Same sort of stuff I eat now when I'm, when I'm like that. I had so much food under my bed, in my closet... it was disgusting, honestly."
Harry was listening quietly, his eyes wide and patient. "Did you ever throw up from it?" he asked softly.
"Yeah, I didn't really do that until..." Louis cut himself off. "I don't know if you want to hear this," he said. "This is probably a stupid idea," he muttered, sitting up, getting ready to leave.
Harry looked up at him, his eyes urgent and pleading. "You're not leaving until I've heard everything," Harry insisted. "I want to understand you."
"Okay," Louis said, taking a slow breath as he laid back down. "Okay," he repeated, closing his eyes a little, not wanting to have to watch Harry's reaction. "I made myself get sick for the first time when I was sixteen, and it was a few days after-" he squeezed his eyes shut tighter, trying to pretend he was just laying there with Liam, but he hadn't even told Liam all of this before.
Louis took a shaky breath and continued. "It was a few days after I lost my virginity," he said, rushing through the sentence, like that might make it less true.
Harry blinked slowly, but kept himself from reacting, quietly listening to Louis.
"He, he was really quite fit, you know? He was really into sports and stuff and we had this project we were supposed to work on together... and he brought me home when his parents weren't there and I'd never been with a boy before, and it was overwhelming so I just... I said yes, I thought if I said no maybe no one else would want me again- like maybe that would be my only chance? And no one- no one- knew he was gay, but everyone knew I was. So I told my friend, my best friend at the time, that I'd slept with him. And she- she told people?" Louis stammered, his voice rising as he tried not to cry, making everything sound like a question.
Harry bit his lower lip, his eyes wide as he listened to Louis ramble.
"And everyone was talking about it and talking about 'why would he sleep with Louis of all people' and they were laughing, I know they were laughing," he said, his voice about an octave higher as he tried not to cry. "And I thought that it was because I was chubby? So I felt really gross every time I would binge eat after school and then, I, I-" Louis stuttered. "I thought I could just make it go away."
"I'm so sorry," Harry whispered. "Is it any better lately?"
"Well I got a bit better when I got here," Louis said. "But the stress and the fact that I was in charge of all my meals... that's just hard you know? My parents used to buy the food and do the cooking and everything and then all of a sudden I got here and it was kind of up to me what to eat every day and that's a lot of pressure, you know? I have to think about food every day whether I want to or not."
"That must be hard," Harry said softly.
Louis squeezed his eyes shut and nodded. "I got really bad at the start of second year, and Liam helped me gain the weight back, went to the gym with me to make sure I didn't overdo it." Louis sighed.
"How have you been the past," Harry swallowed, his adam's apple bobbing in his throat, "the past few weeks?" he finished quietly.
How have you been doing since I left you?
How bad did I hurt you?
Louis took a slow breath. "Not... I mean, not good," he admitted, and closed his eyes to try and block out the horrible images, the white knuckles on white porcelain, his hands holding himself in one piece. "But not too bad," he added. Truthfully, he'd only had maybe two or three bad nights since Harry left, but Louis was used to having a bad day every few weeks so it wasn't anything he couldn't handle.
"Is that why you slept with a lot of guys?" Harry asked, not judgmental, just curious.
"Is that what?" Louis sputtered. Even after him and Harry had started having sex, Harry never wanted to talk about who Louis had been with, just wanting to know if he was clean but not wanting any other details.
"I hear the comments you and Liam make sometimes, and the things Niall warns me about, I know there's been... a lot," Harry said slowly. "You were crying about it I think, when you came to my room drunk that night? It was hard to tell, but it didn't sound like something you did just because you liked it, it felt like there was a reason why you did."
"I mean, I guess it was just nice to feel..." Louis trailed off.
"Wanted?" Harry supplied.
"Yeah," Louis whispered. "Especially after what happened in high school, I got to college, and I wanted everyone to want to be with me, to not be ashamed of being with me, you know? God it sounds so stupid," Louis said, clenching his jaw and squeezing his eyes shut.
"Am I allowed to ask how many people?" Harry asked carefully.
"Please please don't," Louis whispered, his voice rising a bit in panic. "Please, I don't want to-"
"Shhh, it's okay, I don't need to know, Lou... it doesn't change anything about you," Harry soothed.
"I just feel," Louis drew in a sharp breath. "Just feel so used sometimes." He moved his hands to cover his stomach, and Harry saw the connection for the first time. He'd spent so long stressing about not having enough experience for Louis' taste, thinking that Louis had slept with that many guys because he could, because he wasn't as anxious about everything as Harry was, when in reality, Louis was maybe just as anxious as him, but in his own way; treating his insecurities about his body for validation through sex.
"You're not used," Harry insisted.
"I was drunk a lot of the time," Louis confessed. "Not just a few drinks, like the kind of drunk where you can't walk and you don't remember things the next morning."
"People shouldn't have-"
"I know," Louis said quietly. "I know."
Louis shivered a little bit, tugging his hoodie closer to his body.
"You're amazing, you know that right?" Harry said.
"No, I'm-" Louis sighed. "You don't have to."
"You're beautiful, alright?" Harry said. "The first day I met you, I remember thinking about how gorgeous you were and how funny and charming you were, and I was so attracted to you I just couldn't stop thinking about you... God, you were so much, you were the brightest thing in any room you were in. And it's not just the way you look, it's the way you listen and the way you laugh, and the way you're so gentle and so full of life. You're better than how all those guys treated you," Harry said. "You're better than how I treated you."
Louis' eyes watered a little bit as he bit down on his trembling lip.
"I'm so sorry," Harry offered.
"Me too," Louis whispered. "I know I fucked up a lot of times and I'm so sorry about it, H, you deserve better."
"Just want to start over," Harry murmured, and Louis ached to touch him, just to run his fingers along his wrist, rest his hand on his chest. But the two hadn't touched since Harry had shown up at Louis' door.
There was too much space between them.
"Would you do it different?" Louis asked. "If we got to go back to the first day?"
"Yeah," Harry said quietly.
"Me too," Louis whispered.
He was swallowed up by every small movement Harry made, every delicate tremble and the slow spilling over of the tide in his wide green eyes. The whole night sky was shifting above them and Harry was still the one who felt endless.
"But I guess it doesn't work that way does it?" Harry asked, his green eyes searching Louis', two twin emeralds lost at sea.
"I guess it doesn't."
A/N: So there's only one chapter left in the story and I'll be posting it sometime within a week. I can't believe how big this story got (over 50 000 words) and how many people have read it, you're all so lovely and I'm not ready for this to be over but thanks for reading this story, it means the world to me :)