I was glowing from the inside out practically all day and it was a wonder how it hadn't fizzled out by the last block of the day. I mean the glow may have been the reflection of the warming spring sun on my pale skin but I liked to think some of it came from within. It had been a few weeks since Zain and I went skateboarding. I was feeling a lot better about myself and I didn't know if it was because Violet didn't glare as much at Zain every time he was around or the fact that Zain was around in general. At first this whole "hanging out" thing was completely vomit inducing and I had seriously contemplated painting my entire room black. But even the vomit was better than the empty/insecure way I felt before. Now it's more like an endearing annoyance, which summed Zain up pretty well I would say. I didn't call him my boyfriend or anything and he didn't call me his girlfriend. We were just two people enjoying each others' company. Which was cool I guess now. I don't know, I guess somewhere deep, deep down in the black cavern of my soul was a longing for it to be a little more. Which, yes, is completely and totally vomit inducing but hey we all get sick sometimes.
Violet, Sienna, Monte and I were planning another sleepover soon since the last one we had a few weekends ago was such a success. Since Violet and I worked at the ice cream shop now, we used our employee discount to cater our little over night get together. Life was pretty sweet at the moment (pun intended). Of course, besides the occasional scream-fest between my mother and I. I couldn't figure out why things were getting worse, but the more they happened the closer that night was to resurfacing in my mind. Not a day goes by where I don't think about it, but I hadn't tried to remember since the day I threw color out of my life. Zain had over heard the most recent fight and he didn't mention anything about it, but I could tell he was dying to ask me what was up. I couldn't even remind myself, let alone tell another person. Violet only knows because she was the one to help me through it. Other than that, it was just me who knew, since my mother pretended like it never happened in the first place.
I just told Zain that I'd see him after work when Violet linked arms with me to walk to my car. We just car pooled now since I was serious about saving the environment and she couldn't complain seems how she no longer had to pay for gas. It was a relatively easy job and we both loved it. Just a few hours after school during the week and longer shifts on Saturdays since it was closed on Sundays and we got paid a little bit above minimum wage.
Throughout the short drive, we rolled the windows down to let in the fresh warm air and sang along with Melanie Martinez and Halsey. Violet and I had been a fan of those two queens since the beginning and they both had just recently gifted us with new albums. After I gave everyone myocardial infarction with the sight of my hair cut, they all started calling me Nula. I rolled my eyes after they explained the nickname (Halsey is an anagram of her real name, Ashley, and since I now had the same hair cut as her... it's kind of ridiculous and I hate them for it but I also love them). I didn't mind since the hair was exactly what I was going for and now dressing up for Halloween would be a breeze.
"You know what my favorite part about this job is?" Violet asked me as I swirled up a strawberry cone for the little girl waiting behind the counter.
"What?" I handed the girl her ice cream along with a few napkins.
"These cute ass uniforms," she grinned at me.
I looked down at the pastel purple, pink and yellow polo and the white tennis skirt it was tucked into. I gave her a look before going to take a dad and son's order. She tapped my mint baseball cap with the company logo on the front. The only thing I enjoyed about this problematic pastel outfit was my skirt. It was completely white and free of color which I understand was an extremely big risk working with ice cream and all but we weren't allowed to wear jeans or "goth" attire. I thought it was a ridiculous rule but at least they weren't going to make me dye my hair back to its natural color. That was on some of the uniform codes for a few places I wanted to apply at. I'm pretty sure that's violating my rights as a human being but whatever.
Work went by pretty fast and since Violet and I only worked until six we didn't have to close. After cleaning up the counters we made our own ice cream cones and sat outside on the patio for a bit.
"So," Violet started, "how is Zain?" I knew that tone before she even asked the question.
"I mean, it's not like he's changed since yesterday when you asked me," I shook my head and licked up a melting drop of chocolate.
She playfully kicked me under the wire table, "You know what I mean. You hardly say anything about the two of you."
"Because we're not a 'two' really we're just ones that just hang out together, so technically-"
"Okay Luna just stop," she laughed, "you're a two. Accept it."
"But we're not!" I exclaimed over my laughter. It was impossible to explain to everyone else and honestly I wish it wasn't.
"Why not? I don't understand. He's more dark and mysterious than you and that's saying something," she shook her head and took another lick of her ice cream.
"He is but he's also really annoying," I told her and she rolled her eyes.
"If he was so annoying you wouldn't be kissing him in dark closets," she smirked.
My jaw dropped jokingly, "Uncalled for!"
She laughed and shrugged because well, it was kind of true. What has my god damn life come to?
"Have you guys... you know..." she looked at me from under her eyelashes.
"God no," I scrunched up my nose, "Violet."
"What?" she said defensively and laughed, "I figured kissing wasn't the only steamy thing you guys did."
"You're revolting," I shook my head, "it's not like that."
"Then what is it like?" she threw up a hand for emphasis.
I shrugged, "I don't know, I mean we just hang out. There's a lot of talking and listening to music. Sometimes he watches me draw, sometimes we go skate, sometimes we watch movies. We drive around and there is the occasional kiss," I mentioned quietly, "but it's never just because. There's always a reason, I guess."
She gave me a look, "You guys are one of those weird couples that stare deeply into each other's eyes for hours and communicate your love through telepathy."
I choked on my ice cream (which was ridiculous because it's basically liquid), "Okay one we're not a couple. And two we're not in love."
And as much as I wanted my mind to stop thinking about those words it wouldn't. This urgent feeling somewhere inside of me was screaming and every cell in my body wanted to grab the words I just said and pull them back into my mouth. I couldn't love Zain. There was no way in hell. We weren't even a couple and honestly the thought of that nauseated me not that long ago. He annoyed me day in and day out and yeah we spent time together and laughed and kissed sometimes, but love? What the hell even was that? I love people like Violet and Monte and things like my car and my room. I don't love people like Zain. I couldn't. That just wasn't an option. Was it? God no it wasn't why- why is every inch of my skin tingling?
I focused on breathing because I just now noticed that I wasn't.
"Damn don't get your panties in a twist," Violet snorted, "you guys are cute. Like made for each other and whatnot."
"Stop making us one thing," I tried to laugh but I started coughing instead.
"You good?" she asked, not really that concerned.
I nodded even though my first instinct was to shake my head vigorously.
"Speak of the devil," Violet lowered her voice and hid her smile behind her half eaten ice cream.
I turned around and saw Zain making his way towards us on his skateboard. This was a pretty normal thing. Him just rolling up on his board and hopping in my car to go somewhere after work. We were both pretty good about getting our homework done in school, which I found surprising just because I wouldn't peg Zain as one that breezily passed his classes with no problem. It was one of his quieter qualities that he tried to cover up under his leather jacket and cigarettes. I was going to say his art, or spray painting was another thing he used to hide his intelligence but I've never seen one of his paintings before. For all I know he could be spraying "save the bees" or "down with gender roles" or some shit. And yeah I still haven't seen his spray painting.
"Ladies," he acknowledged Violet and I with a subtle smirk.
Violet sighed but she was smiling, "Zain."
"Shall we?" Zain asked, changing his accent to one more proper and held his hand out to me.
"Don't look so happy. If you scratch or harm Ciara in any way, you're paying for it," I warned.
"Is she letting you drive her car?" Violet's face was full of shock.
"Damn right," Zain boasted, his smirk ever present.
I sighed, "Yeah I lost a stupid bet so."
"It wasn't stupid when we were betting," Zain gave me a look," just when you lost."
"Get in the damn car before I change my mind," I tried to keep from smiling but just like I couldn't will my blushing away, it was impossible.
"Have fun you kids," Violet called and continued eating her ice cream as she put her legs up on my chair.
"We will," Zain smirked at me before getting into the drivers seat.
As I got in I pressed play on the Halsey CD that was on when Violet and I were in the car. Lucky always picked her up after work so I didn't have to worry about giving her a ride.
Zain lit a cigarette and rolled down the window, "I actually like Halsey," he commented, "she's got a fresh style."
"It's not also because I have her hair?" I joked and he shook his head at me.
"You wish Yue," he smirked.
"What did I tell you about calling me that!" I smiled.
He groaned, "Princess Yue."
"Fucking right," I grinned victoriously.
"You are the very essence of ridiculous," he shook his head again.
"And you, the essence of annoying," I told him sweetly.
He just mocked me and started the car after he stamped out his cigarette in the dish that he put in my car. I was getting less strict about him not smoking in my car or in my room. If I was being honest I was starting to sort of like the smell. I guess like wasn't the right word, maybe more like addicted but, technicalities. Addicted to the smell, not Zain, just to clarify.
"Off to your marvelously huge castle," Zain smirked and it deepened as he tightened his grip around my steering wheel.
I was starting to regret ever betting him at all because he looked way too excited to be driving Ciara. There was a lot of traffic around this time which made me even more nervous but I guess I was just going to have to trust him.
"Are you sure you're used to driving on this side? I know you drive your motorcycle on the right side, but in a car?" I asked, the farther away we got from the ice cream shop.
"Luna, I drive my mum's van all of the time," he told me, slightly annoyed with how concerned I was.
"Fine," I sighed and just let him drive.
"So anyway," he glanced at me before continuing, "I think my favorite on this album so far is New Americana."
"Same and Roman Holiday," I agreed.
"Also quality," he nodded, "her name as well just has a ring to it."
"It's an anagram of her name, you know," I told him.
"I know you've only told me a hundred times," he laughed a little bit.
I raised my eyebrows, "Well sorry."
He laughed a little louder this time. New Americana just happened to come on then and he turned up the volume so that her voice vibrated around us. He sang softly along with her and I think that was my favorite part about being in the car with Zain. Not feeling the need to talk all of the time and listening to his pretty notes dance along with someone else's. Sometimes I wish it was him we were listening to on the radio but I know Zain would stop the minute I mentioned his singing.
I just watched out of the window, admiring the bright glow the sunset laid upon everything, while Zain got annoyed at all of the traffic.
"Okay fuck this," Zain mumbled under his breath and jerked the car into a different road.
I smiled and held my laughter back at his outburst. It wasn't until Zain drove further down the road when I noticed where we were. I could feel my blood freezing under my skin and my heart hammered in my chest. My breathing was becoming more shallow and I felt as if someone was pushing me further and further somewhere dark and cold. I couldn't move. I couldn't close my eyes.
"Zain I've told you not to go this way," my voice quivered uncontrollably but it was a miracle I could speak at all.
"Yeah I know but there was a shit load of traffic. I mean what's the deal, is it too ghetto for you?" he joked, not noticing my state at all, "Like are you afraid some little neighborhood kid is going to egg your expensive car?" he laughed a little to himself, "you rich people are so ridiculous and you're all the same. You stereotype other people based on their income but you are actually your stereo-"
"Stop the car right now!" I screamed at him with everything I had left inside of me.
He was stunned to silence but I didn't notice over the roaring of my heart in my ear. He didn't stop the car though.
"Let me out right now- right now!" I screamed again, my shaking hands grabbing for the door handle, tears steaming on my scorching cheeks before they had a chance to fall.
He finally pulled over and I nearly ripped the car door off of its hinges as I forced it open. My legs were numb and I wasn't ready for the weight I suddenly put on them so I tripped over the curb and fell on my hands in the grass. I couldn't move any further with how violently my sobs were wracking my body.
"Luna!" Zain's voice was muted in my mind although I'm sure he was yelling.
The pounding in my ears was deafening and the world was a mess of colors smeared across my eyes. But I couldn't shut them. I couldn't relive the memories even though they were already flitting rapidly through my mind.
"Luna..." Zain's fingers brushed lightly against my shoulder and I couldn't help but flinch away.
He retracted his hand and I finally shut my eyes. A force like a million bricks shoved me backwards against my stomach. Shards of glass cut my skin again and blood spilled down leather seats. Lots and lots of blood. Most of which wasn't mine. A shrill scream pierced my ears through the rest of the noise. But nothing I remember more clearly than the way a small hand's grip on mine grew weaker by the second.
"Luna please, what-"
"Stop! Stop!" I kept repeating until my words mixed with my tears. I was breathing heavily so that I could get air through my throat that seemed like it was swollen shut, "you don't know!"
"Don't- don't know what Luna?" Zain's voice was urgent as he bravely wrapped his arms around me to stop my sobs from shaking me.
I instantly tried to break free but he held me tighter. I felt even more suffocated than before but my body couldn't fight against the force of memories.
"You don't know what it's like!" I cried harder, I couldn't even get the words to come out.
"Luna it's okay, just breathe, you need to breathe," Zain urged calmly even though I could feel him shaking against me.
"It's not okay!" I screamed, "she's never coming back. She's dead, she's d-" I broke into more sobs.
"Who's dead Luna?" Zain asked even though I could hear fear in his words.
"My beautiful Cassie, she's dead, she's dead," the waves that had been crashing inside of me broke completely free and I was afraid I would never be able to stop the flood.
"Who's Cassie Luna?" Zain's voice was cracking and he pulled me even closer to him.
I finally quit trying to push away from him and gripped the arm that was pressed against my chest. I couldn't speak anymore, her bloody and battered face burned right in front of me and all I wanted to do was open my eyes because I knew she would never open hers again.
AN
toldya some plot thingys were going to happen eventually. F SKO0L ok I seriously have no time to write I finished this in the bathroom goodbye. but actually before I go ily to whoever is still reading lmao xx