I didn’t expect Ryan to want me to stay, but he did. Oddly enough, he drove me back to the Opera House, but he didn’t seem as into me as before. I didn’t care much, for I knew when he said goodbye to me at the Opera House who I was going to choose.
Erik was the obvious choice.
“I’ll see you later then?” Ryan asked, sitting in the car and speaking to me through the open window. I gulped, knowing that I had to find Erik as soon as possible and then never leave again. I had to move everything I loved most into his home, and that would take a long time. The sooner the better, I guess. I wasn’t exactly a procrastinator.
“I don’t know, Ryan. I have a lot to do,” I said as nicely as I could. He just chuckled, revealing his amazingly gorgeous dimples. Ugh, why was love so difficult? Inside my mind, I shook my head. I was going to be with Erik, no matter what.
Ryan stopped laughing, but I could see a smile in his eyes. “Let me guess, you’re going to see him again, aren’t you?” When I nodded, he didn’t seem the least bit mad. I guess we were over. “Well, I don’t really mind anymore, Grace. It seems like you really love him. Who am I to stand in the way of true love?”
Hurt rumbled somewhere down in my heart. Ryan didn’t want to say this. He wanted to lift me in his arms and kiss me, but it wasn’t like that anymore. Ryan understood what I wanted and he was kind enough to now leave me alone. Smiling weakly, I replied, “Thanks Ryan. You’re a really good friend.”
Shaking his head, he repeated, “Friend.”
I nodded in response. “Yeah. Friend.”
We both just stood there until I decided to turn around and head into the building. I was stopped Ryan’s panicked voice as he called out to me, “Please be careful, Grace.”
* * *
I nuzzled against Erik and let out a sigh of relief. “I love being here, Erik. Your home is so…calm.” With a smile, I kissed his cheek and then rested my head against his collarbone once again. I could feel him swallow, and then take a breath of air.
“It’s only calm and loving when you’re here, Grace.” He kissed the top of my forehead, sending bullets of love throughout my body. I was lost in how much I was enjoying my decision, not caring about what I’d done to Ryan whatsoever, though I know that was wrong. It sounded horribly rude; however, I loved the way Erik made me feel.
“When you say things like that, Erik,” I explained, placing my hand on his chest. “girls fall instantly in love with you.”
He rolled his eyes and then laughed heartily. “Okay, name three.”
“Me, myself, and I!” I planted a kiss on his soft lips and then put my head down again. He was becoming more and more open to me, which I loved more than anything. This whole time I had lived at the Opera House I had longed for this moment; resting in the arms of Erik Destler and just letting the world fade away.
“You’re the only one I need to love me,” he replied, tightening his grip around me. I thought I was going to die of pure happiness.
If happiness was a color, what would it be?
White, I thought, staring at his mask. White, because Erik is the whole symbolism of love. Even though he’s disfigured, it’s possible to love him. It’s possible to love someone who doesn’t look normal. And then I laughed, because, what is normal?
We fell asleep shortly after, resting in our own little world of happiness. Nobody was able to disturb us, for the mirror was locked and the gate was closed. Even if Ryan wanted to, he couldn’t break the bubble of happiness wrapped around Erik and me.
A little girl with huge brown eyes and a very sweet smile wrapped her arms around me. “I love you so much, Mama.” I bent to give her a kiss on her cheek. She gladly accepted the invitation and giggled when I began to tickle her.
We fell into a bed of grass surrounded by flowers. While we sat in the meadow, her on my lap and me braiding her hair, she picked a gorgeous rose from next to her and asked politely, “Mama, may you braid this into my hair to make it look pretty?”
I smiled and said, “Of course, Christine.” I gently began to weave the rose it. Surprisingly, it looked very pretty. The rose bud was peeking out of her hair, making it look super nice. But something was missing. “Christine, I need to take it out.”
“Okay, Mama.” She let me take it out, and then I began to weave thousands of little tiny flowers that I didn’t know the name of. They were white, and looked like mini white roses. She loved them. And then we just sunk away into our own pit of happiness.
“Mama?” She asked, with her adorable four-year-old voice. “Where’s my daddy?”
Fear hit me like a spear. Gulping, I said, “He lives in Paris. You, my little girl, are a Parisian. When you were inside my tummy, I lived in Paris with Daddy.”
“Why don’t we live there anymore?”
“Because, sweetie, he wasn’t ready for the responsibility of having you. He didn’t want you to be scared of him.”
Nuzzling closer to me, she said back, “I’d never be scared of Daddy. I’m sure he was beautiful and really nice.”
“Yes, sweetie,” I croaked, feeling sadder and sadder. “He was both of those things.”
The dream left me confused. I woke up with Erik still sound asleep. Huh, I didn’t even think he slept. Without a thought, I stood up and started pacing. Was this some kind of sign? In both of my dreams, the child who was claimed to be mine kept calling me “mama” and I referred to her as “Christine”. Did this mean that I was having visions? Shivering, I continued to pace, feeling breathless and out of sorts.
Kind of like a broken toy.
“Grace, sit down. What’s the matter with you?” Erik asked, trying to help me down next to him. I wriggled out of his grasp and continued to pace. The more I paced, the better I felt. But it was like downloading something on a very slow computer. It took forever to fully download, and for me, it was going to take forever to fully feel better again.
“Was it Christine?” Erik asked. I instantly turned to face him.
“How do you know her name?” I snapped, feeling angry at absolutely nothing whatsoever.
“Grace, it’s not hard to tell. Please, darling, explain to me why this is having you feel so down and gloomy. Please, I want to know.” He enveloped me into his arms and stroked my hair while I burst into a fit of tears.
Before I could speak, he began singing to me. I watched his lips move, becoming an entry for the beautiful singing to depart. Then, when he was done, I said, “She was flawless.”
“Who? Our daughter?”
I nodded. “She had long brown hair that was straight slash curly. She had wonderful big brown eyes that had specks of green in them. They seemed to sparkle in the sunlight. Her smile was beyond gorgeous, and I couldn’t help smiling when I saw her. She was so, so perfect, Erik. I wish I could share my memory of her with you.”
He smiled and brought my hand to his lips. “I believe you, Grace. So why are you so upset?”
Tears stung my eyes once again. “She was too perfect. This whole time, I hated her and blamed her for everything bad in my life. She didn’t mean to be conceived, and yet this whole time I’ve done nothing but blame her! I’m a horrible person, Erik. After seeing her…I realize how perfect she is and how much I don’t deserve her.”
Erik brushed the hair that had fallen in front of my face away. “You do deserve her, my love. She still loves you, no matter what. You were angry and hurt, Christine understands that. You have to be patient with yourself, Grace.” And then he smiled. “I’m glad she looked so perfect.”
“And,” I continued. “I was scared she was…she was…”
“Going to look like me?” Erik presumed.
Ashamed, I nodded. “Yes, I was afraid she’d be disfigured like you. But she was so very beautiful, Erik. I think you’d love her almost as much as I did.”
“Almost?” A hint of laughter flared in his eyes.
“There’s no way you could have loved her as much as I did. I never want to let her go!” I kissed him in token for my thanks. He was the one who brought her into my life, thought I didn’t want her in the first place. I didn’t mind that I didn’t want her at first anymore. She was my life now. Along with Erik Destler, my true love.
What I said in the dream about how Erik didn’t want to scare her then came up in my mind. Was that going to happen? I was suddenly afraid of that, him sending us away and never talking to us again. I was afraid that I’d never see him or hear his angelic voice ever-
“Erik!” I cried. “Promise me you’ll never leave me. Promise me this is forever and that what we have is real.”
He kissed me passionately. “This is real, and it’s forever. I promise I’ll never leave you, Grace Bowman. You are my one and only true love. I could never bear the thought of leaving you and our precious daughter.”
My knees gave way and I collapsed on the floor. He helped me onto a nearby chair and then went to get me a glass of water. I closed my eyes once again and imagined Ryan, his funny jokes and his Axe Body Spray, which smelt like mint and something else amazing.
“Be careful, Grace.”