How do people without insomnia get shit done? Honestly, I wouldn't sleep eight hours if I could. There is no time. This is one of the great anomalies of the world: how do y'all get anything done with eight hours gone? Very interesting.
I don't want to talk about where I've been. I think I've replied to everyone now. If I haven't, just yell at me in the comments or something.
And I had to delete the last rant because I can't remember where the fuck I was going with it. Oh well. Someday I'll remember. Today is just not that day.
Instead I wanna talk about another request I got the other day that I thought was hilarious and I wanna do something not serious for the first time in forever: Common Misconceptions about Male and Female Best Friends
Someone sent me this article saying something about "Things Every Girl with a Guy Best Friend Will Understand". I don't.
1. You guys have tried kissing/sex at least once
I hate that everyone assumes that everyone else assumes you guys have to be sleeping together.
Can't we have please have a legit brother/sister dynamic or something? Something where no one suspects anything other than platonic love is going on between the two. That way, if you decide to make them end up together, it's not so totally predictable.
If they're going to mess around at least make it a surprise. Some of you all have no idea what the element of surprise is. I want them to be in this moment of blissful suspense when the impossible happens. That's a dynamic no one explores. Everyone thinks they have to foreshadow. No you don't. As long as there is a plausible set up then you've good to do. (And if you think a plausible setup is synonymous with foreshadow you're wrong. Trust me).
I'm just tired of everyone else in the story knowing the two are going to get together. That doesn't always happen in real life. Not everyone expects that because they're opposite genders. I think if everyone thought that my best friend's dad wouldn't have had that moment of pure horrified confusion when he caught us. God. Talk about scene from the worst horror movie ever. I'm still scarred.
But seriously. Make a shocking reveal scene where everyone finds out something more than just friends is up. Or don't even have them end up together. I like that idea.
2. You both have to be super masculine or super feminine
Nope. Super feminine girls can be best friends with super masculine guys or vice versa. It's fine. The world won't blow up.
You guys know my best friend was like the hard core sports star, but he would do girly things with me. He said he would kill me if I ever told anyone this, but that's been years ago, and I'm not scared of him, but he used to braid my hair for me before track meets and cross country meets and stuff. Seriously. And he's actually very good at braids. My hair was always fabulous for meets. I always always got compliments on it, but I just told them I did it because he didn't want people to know.
I miss having killer hair. Now I really have to do it myself. That's not as fun.
But anyway we did manly stuff together and we did girly stuff together. I wouldn't describe myself as having been super feminine in high school, but I definitely wasn't just a boy with boobs. (That's partially because I'm a runner and I have very unimpressive boobs, but that's neither here nor there).
I used to do really stupid stuff with him that was classically thought of very "boyish" things to do at the time (and if it helps you gauge the time and place, we listened to a lot of Blink-182 and sometimes people called us Hoppus and DeLonge). Very stupid things like car surfing. And roof jumping. And, oh my god, I can't believe I'm telling you this, but I used to spit off bridges with him and our friends, because why not?
(Funny story. We hung out with a lot of guys that liked to do weird stunts and pranks and games and challenges and stuff (think small scale Dudesons/Jackass). And a lot of our adventures always ended with someone getting hit in the crotch. And it never really hurt me and so I always won our games that ended that way. Because I am the best).
But at the same time, he would hang out with me while I put on my makeup or painted my toenails. And of course I made him watch me try shit on because he doesn't know what inappropriate answers are.
("Those pants make your ass stick out. Like, you look structurally unsound right now." "I can't tell if you look fat, Addy. It's a loose shirt. I can't even tell if you have boobs or not." "Are the stripes supposed to be an optical illusion or is that a pushup bra? That's the one that makes them bigger, right?" "Do they look weird as in looking like fabric? Because they look like fabric." "Wait, matching is bad? Or is matchy-matchy different than matching? Is this a language trick?" "Don't be pretentious, Addy. It's not ecru, it's fucking white.") He's adorable. So fashion illiterate. But so adorable.
3. Girls are only best friends with guys because it's less drama
People that think this are cute. Guys are not less drama. They just aren't. Guys are just as sassy and conniving as girls. Some of the most dramatic bullshit high school teen drama I was ever involved in was the high school boy's basketball team bitch fight of my senior year. Guys can be little bitches too. They are sooooo not less drama. That is a myth. A thousand percent hoax. No, they don't argue then duke it out and move on. They are just like girls.
Guys are not less dramatic. They are a lot of smack talk and dick jokes.
4. Guys are body guards/relationshiplovelifesex advice givers
That annoys me. I think of the body guard role and being mutually shared. No, my best friend wasn't going to let other people give me shit, but I wasn't going to just let him get run over either. This isn't just a guy/girl thing. It's a friend thing. If your best friend wouldn't stand up for you or have your back, then they aren't really your best friend.
Also, I know the best people to ask about guy logic are guys, but am I the only one who hates the love doctor characters? Seriously, everyone is different. How can you just say "he's a guy so I know he'll love if you send him a naked picture." Negative, ghost rider. That's not how this game works.
My best friend doesn't give relationship advice other than to say "don't ask me, ask him/her". Love is not a game. Don't pretend it is.
And the all-knowing boys drive me crazy too. John Green is ruining us with sentimental, worldly teenage characters (but I'll give them credit, because his characters are well read and educated so it makes sense for them to use such abstract language and ideas). For once can we just let teenagers be stupid teenagers? I was a stupid teenager. I'm a stupid adult. We don't always have to be philosophers. We can be idiots and survive. Hell, look at me. I'm still going.
(And on a side note, I don't like when they are always incredibly sentimental. Like, when it's the girl's birthday and he gives her everything she's ever mentioned. Every year since I was fifteen my best friend has bought me a case of beer. And it's not sentimental, but it's tradition. And I like tradition. I don't like being spoiled all the time. I don't need gifts. I need alcohol.)
5. Someone will get jealous
Like, when they each start dating someone else. No. Why do they have to be jealous? Are you jealous when your best friend has a significant other? Don't say yes, because that makes you a bad friend.
And there you go. My list of misconceptions for boy/girl best friends. Sorry if I've covered them a million times already. But hope you had fun reading them again? Or not. I don't care.
Anyway, the question of the chapter is...umm...what are some common misconceptions you've heard? Or maybe, how do you and your best friend fit into one of these? Or maybe just tell me a funny story. Like, something with you and your best friend! Yeah. There you go. Do one of those! Or just tell me what you think. Obviously this isn't a graded assignment. Do what you want (except, maybe not drugs.)
I'll share my funny story that no one thinks is funny but me (like all my stories) now. A few days ago my best friend told me he can tell how much alcohol I've consumed just by the things I say in my texts to him. And now I'm paranoid that everyone can tell how much I've drank based on my writing.
Then, when I was writing this rant I started thinking about how all I do is drink and tell you guys stories about things I did when I was in high school. And I realized that this is literally just drunk history with Addy. And I, for some reason, find that very amuzing.
I'm off to do stuff now. Sleep is not on the list