Pattie was rubbing Jennifer's wrists, trying to make the dark red scab lines go away with the padding of her thumbs.
"Sweetie, why? We thought you were getting better, we thought your were happy!" Pattie asked, and Jennifer sniffled.
"You see that's just the thing, Pattie!" Jennifer exclaimed, standing up. "I'm not happy! I'm never happy! I don't even know what happy is anymore!" she yelled, and Pattie felt her jaw drop in shock.
The shy, quiet girl finally hit her breaking point.
"He's gone Pattie! Gone! And... he left me, stuck here, not knowing what to do," Jennifer sank to her knees, her anger vanishing. "I don't know what to do. He's gone and... and I don't know what to do. He wants me to move on, he wants me to never forget him. I don't know how to move on. I don't know what to do." Jennifer fell to the floor again and sobbed. Pattie slid over to her and started petting her hair.
"I don't know what else to do but die." Jennifer mumbled in a voice that didn't feel like her own. "I already feel dead inside. Why can't I just be dead on the outside?"
"Don't you go thinking like that!" Pattie scolded, but Jennifer continued to stare off into space. "You're a beautiful, beautiful girl Jennifer. And you'll get through this. In time, you will, I promise. Please, don't think like that."
Jennifer stood again, her anger resurfacing. "You don't understand, Pattie! Jeremy is gone, he's dead, and there's nothing I can do about it! It was my fault in the first place! It's my fault he's dead, and now there's nothing I can do but... wait until I get run over by a train or something!" she screeched, tears flowing freely down her face.
"I can't... do anything... without thinking of him. Everywhere I go, he's there. He's there, Pattie! And I can't do anything about it, but hope that this past year was just a dream, and that he'll come bursting through the door, telling me that he's proud of me, and that he loves me, and that he's sorry for making me wait!" Jennifer continued to sob, and tears were beginning to form in Pattie's eyes as well.
"What can I do, knowing that it was my words that got him into that car accident? I shouldn't have let him walk out of the house, but I was so angry over something so stupid, that I let him go! I let him walk out of my house, not knowing that it could have been the last time I'd ever seen him!"
Jennifer sank to the floor again, her head in her hands. "I waited for him for a week. I watched him go through surgery after surgery. I watched... as he became weaker and weaker after every operation. His heart stopped twice." By then Pattie had went over to Jennifer and held Jennifer's hand in her own.
"Maribelle and I were in his room. We were talking... about something so stupid. I can't even remember," Jennifer said in that same detached voice. "He stopped responding to my voice. He just looked at me, his eyes blank. I thought he was playing a joke on me, because he'd been doing that a lot, and I hated it. He just looked at me. And I knew, he wasn't coming back." Jennifer squeezed her eyes shut, as the memory racked inside her brain, causing fresh tears to fall from her eyes and onto the floor.
"Babe, what should we do when I get outta here?" Jeremy asked Jennifer, who was holding his hand on the side of his bed.
"I don't know. What do you want to do?" Jennifer asked, smiling. Maribelle scoffed.
"Oh my gosh, can you guys just get married and have babies already?" she asked in an exasperated tone. Jennifer blushed and Jeremy laughed.
"In due time, Belle, in due time." Jeremy said, and Jennifer stood up and leaned across Jeremy's chest, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "And then you'll be the godmother?"
Maribelle laughed. "And I'll be a damn good one, Campbell." She said, and the three laughed while Jennifer blushed.
"Aww babe, come on, don't get all embarrassed. Give me a kiss." He said, and Jennifer leaned up to press her lips against Jeremy's.
"There, is that better?" Jennifer asked, a smile on her face, then saw that Jeremy's eyes were blank, unblinking. "Jeremy?" her smile faded, then appeared again. "Jeremy, this isn't funny anymore, you've got to stop."
Jennifer waited to Jeremy to respond, but she couldn't even feel the even rise and fall of his chest, indicating that he was breathing. "Jeremy? Jeremy! Wake up! Jeremy, don't leave me! Please don't go! Come back, Jeremy!" she had gotten the doctor's attention by then, and they ran in to help, picking Jennifer up off of Jeremy, who was screaming hysterically.
"Jeremy! No, you can't leave me! Come back!" she screamed, and Maribelle held her on the floor, as they both cried together.
Jennifer was pulled back in to reality when she heard the door open and close, and both girls turned to see Maribelle run next to them.
"Jen! Are you okay, what's the matter?" she asked, concerned, throwing herself on the floor next to Jennifer. Jennifer took Maribelle's hand.
"Do you remember, Belle, the conversation we had with Jeremy, right before his heart stopped?" Jennifer asked in the same detached voice as before. Maribelle gave a small smile.
"Yeah. Something about getting married and having babies." She said, and Jennifer gave a slightly hysterical giggle.
"Yeah, and Jeremy took it upon himself to ask you to be the godmother." She recalled, and Maribelle smiled.
"That was funny. The rules still apply, you know." Maribelle reminded her.
"What rules?"
"I'm still gonna be your baby's godmother." She said, and Jennifer cracked a smile.
"Do you remember when we went to his baseball games, and he'd come to my dance recitals?"
"I do. He'd shut anybody up who criticized you. I know it hurts for him to be gone, but... we gotta get through it." Maribelle said, and Jennifer folded herself in her best friend's arms.
"It's hard Belle. I can't help but to think about him everywhere I go. Today was amazing, the most fun I've had in a long time, but I just feel so guilty." Jennifer said, and just then they heard the door open and close, and Jennifer wiped her eyes.
"Hey, Celeste told me where you all were, what's u-Jennifer? What's wrong?" Justin asked, as he walked over to the three women and sat down next to Jennifer. He automatically enveloped her in his arms and she held onto his shirt for support. "Hey, guys, can I talk to her for a second?"
Pattie and Maribelle walked out of the room, but stayed at the doorway.
"Jennifer... what is it? I thought you had a good day... did I do something wrong?" Justin asked, but Jennifer simply shook her head.
"No... it was a great day. The most fun I've had in a long time. But that's the problem." She said in her detached voice. Justin started petting Jennifer's hair softly. "I think it was too soon for me to try to move on. I can't stop thinking about him, about how he died. It was all my fault." Jennifer had started crying again, and Justin shushed her.
"Shh, Jennifer look at me," Justin had lifted Jennifer's face up to face him. "Jeremy's death, was not your fault." He said sternly, but Jennifer shook her head.
"No, I overreacted. He said something I didn't like and we had a huge fight. I could've just let it go, but I didn't! I got angry, and he left! It's all my fault!" she yelled, ripping herself out of Justin's arms, but he followed her and wrapped his arms around the fragile girl again.
"No, Jen, it's not your fault! Stop putting his death on your hands! It was... how God wanted it to be." He said softly, but Jennifer continued to cry silently.
"God wanted to torture me?" she asked incredulously, and he chuckled slightly.
"No. God wants to make you stronger." He replied, but Jennifer shook her head again.
"I'm not strong, Justin. I'm broken." She said dully, in her detached voice, and Justin looked down at her in shock.