Chapter Three
Sammy's weeks were pretty much all the same, moulded around the needs of a fourth month old baby. A few mother and baby groups, walks in the park and long lonely evenings in front of the TV. That pretty much summed up her life. And when she was waiting on news, on knowing what Joel had found out, waiting to know what was about to happen to her life...then it was the worst form of hell.
The spring weather hadn't been kind, and her usual late afternoon trip to the local shop for some provisions had ended with her having to run back from the park in a rush to beat the sudden downpour.
"April showers in March?" She half exclaimed, half questioned no one as she burst into the foyer of the apartment block that housed her home. Shaking her wet hair, she peeled the rain covers from the pram and smiled at Eleanor, as usual she was unfazed by the weather, wrapped up in her quilted snow suit she was fast asleep, warm and completely dry. Which was more than could be said for her, the mother.
As she moved towards the elevator in the corner, Sammy unzipped her soaked fleece and slipped her arms out of it, but the t-shirt she wore underneath was equally as wet. Groaning and fighting off the shiver, she was relieved when the doors to the lift opened and she pushed Eleanor into the carriage in front of her.
Just as she pressed the button for the tenth floor, a hand slipped between the closing doors, causing them to reopen. And she almost swallowed her tongue at the sight of Joel stood there.
"Hi." He offered awkwardly as he stepped into the contained space beside her.
She merely smiled, then watched as he repeated her act of pressing the number ten button.
"You find anything out?" She finally mustered as the illuminated red number in the car highlighted that they were climbing rapidly to her level.
Nodding he waited for her to exit the car, "can I come in? I won't be long."
"Of course."
She was still wet from the inclement weather, so once she'd opened the door to the apartment, she turned to him, "I just need to change."
He nodded, "do you trust me with Eleanor?" He nodded in the direction of the pram and she sighed with relief.
"Of course."
Rushing to her bedroom she stripped out of the t-shirt that she was mortified to see was almost transparent, and pulled on a thicker knit sweater. She was towel-drying her hair when she walked back in to the lounge and almost froze to the spot at what she saw. Joel, confidently carrying Eleanor around the room, was stopping at various pictures either wall mounted or sat on shelves, to point out 'her daddy', then he stopped at the window to point out the high roof top that represented the school they'd both gone to as teenagers. Her heart physically pained, those were the things Marcus should be pointing out to his daughter, but that would never happen.
As if sensing her, Joel turned around and looked a little embarrassed, "sorry, she woke, and I couldn't resist getting to know her."
It was such a lovely thing to say, such a sweet thing to apologise when he was actually helping her that she couldn't help but smile. "She likes you."
"You think?" He smiled down at the baby, then looked up to Sammy. "She's so like Marcus, eyes, smile...dimple...it must make things so hard. It must be difficult."
She shook her head, "she makes it easier to remember him, I still miss him, I still hate that he's not here for everything she does, her smiles, her laughs, the way she wriggles and giggles. But there's a certain smile that she gives me...and that's him. And I cry, but it's a happy tear, you know?"
"I think she's given me that smile a dozen times in ten minutes. She already knows how to play me, hey?"
Sammy laughed, "well you never could say no to Marcus, you have no chance with his incarnation being a little girl."
He rolled his eyes at her as he handed the baby over, "I'm doomed."
She sat onto the sofa, placing the baby onto the cushions beside her, then Joel sat in the seat opposite her.
"So have you worked out who this company is? The one who wants this flat?"
Joel shook his head, watching her as she curled her legs under her, then started to tap the baby gently on the nose, making her laugh. "I don't quite know what's going on, or rather has gone on, but I'm getting there. Needless to say, this home is yours. You'll have documents to sign by Monday that confirm that this place is yours, then there will be a regular income into your account. I have some forms for you to fill in, I can sort it all out via my solicitors, but until we actually see the will, know what is where...then we're on a temporary solution."
When Sammy smiled at him, the headache of the last two days disappeared. There was that carefree feeling he'd searched for. "You are a lifesaver. Will you stay for dinner?"
Joel glanced at the clock, six pm, he had a zillion things left on his desk, "I have to get back to work."
"But it's Friday! You have to relax at some point, and dinner is the least I can do." When he grimaced she added, "I don't get chance to cook very often. It's difficult when it's just me."
Way to tug my heartstrings he inwardly groaned at the blackmailing. She knew that he was powerless to resist, he wasn't about to explain that he was rushed off his feet as he'd devoted SO much time to sorting out the mess that was Marcus' finances. It was a difficult trail and he hoped to crack it soon, until then, he made a conscious decision to donate his Saturday morning to catching up on what he should have been doing in the time he stayed for dinner.
"Spaghetti and meatballs, garlic bread...profiteroles."
He groaned, "how can I resist a home cooked meal? You made me that combo before."
She laughed, "I remember...and I knew you'd never turn it down. Want a beer whilst I start?"
She was an expert in the kitchen, flying around, chopping, pouring, stirring and blending that he felt he could watch her all night, but Eleanor was playing him as detrimentally as her mother was, sprawled over his lap laughing, stopping him doing more than glancing at Sammy occasionally.
Once things were simmering, she came back to join them with pyjamas for her daughter. She handed him another beer before scooping up the baby and taking her into the nursery.
Joel took that opportunity to grab the beer then flick on her TV, there was football on, and he smiled as he settled back to watch that.
"I'm just feeding her then settling her," a voice called out from deeper in the apartment, "you sure you're ok?"
"Don't worry about me. I've found the footie."
He could hear her groan in the lounge, and that made him laugh as he took another drink of his beer.
"So, I need to thank you for sorting this out for me Joel."
They were sat opposite each other at the small dining table when Sammy finally faced up to the real reason that he was there.
"Dinner is MORE than adequate, too much even."
She laughed, "no, definitely not. I was lost."
He laid down his knife and fork, "does the pain get easier for you?"
She sat back and thought for a moment, "in the beginning it hurt every moment of every day. But it has eased. Now...so many things triggers thoughts of him, the weather, the TV, things that people say...then it's eating alone, sleeping alone. I wake some nights and cry my heart out, and I wonder if I'll ever get used to that. I miss him SO much."
It hurt Joel to almost hear his own thoughts vocalised by someone else, "I do too." He took a slug of the wine she'd poured into a glass in front go him and pondered as to how much he'd tell her. Then he gave his head a slight shake.
"We met at ten years old, me and Marcus. My parents..." he took a steadying deep breath. "I don't know what to say, other than what I hinted at the other day. They died in a car accident, rammed off the road into a river by a drunk driver. They both died instantly. I was nine.
"My uncle didn't want me, he is a confirmed bachelor, but I had enough money from my claims, compensation and whatever benefits I was entitled to, to live an almost normal life...which in this case meant going to a decent boarding school." He took a slug of beer, and then grinned, "I met Marcus the very first day, some bully called me some ridiculous name, a wannabe, I was scum of the earth and didn't deserve such privilege that was the school we were at. I was from a hard working family, we'd never had a lot, but I was still grieving, I wouldn't have changed anything you know, my past...
"But I never had to defend myself, Marcus punched him in the nose before the words left his lips, stuck up for me, he had friends, "Tristan...and the two of us fought five of them." He laughed, "we had the upper hand of course, and news travelled fast, we bossed that place for the rest of our time there and never looked back again. Between us we didn't look too bad, we had money and of course brains. We were unstoppable."
He sighed, " it didn't stop until a year ago. But it's past tense...and that STILL kills me. I don't know if it'll ever be easier. I haven't done anything without him."
Sammy watched as Joel ate silently, there was no way to follow that up with inane conversation. She'd known they were best friends...of course, but to see in reality, to hear his words THIS close up, to feel just how much it hurt him, just how lost he was too...it was painfully hard. But that was what they had in common. For them both Marcus had represented all that they didn't have, he filled the void that their life created.
"He was like that for me. No one had ever wanted to do so much for me, and you know what he was like," Sammy laughed. "He didn't understand the word no. I'd tell him that I didn't need him to take over, to buy my train tickets, to control everything in my life, but it was the first time I didn't have to worry, that I didn't have to battle. Because my life had been that, I'd had to fight for everything."
Joel was quiet, contemplative for a moment, then he smiled, "he was like that, you're right. He got us into SO much trouble over the years. I wanted calmness, to build, to grow; he wanted to throw caution to the wind ALL the time."
"Energy," she sighed, "that was what he was."
He nodded, "I haven't talked about him you know, in the whole of the last year. This feels strange...but exactly what I need."
"That's what I get from Eleanor, she brings him to life again, and whilst it isn't the same...it couldn't be, it's better than forgetting, which is what I did for months."
"Was it a difficult pregnancy?"
That was a hard question; she'd lived in denial for months, after the funeral Sammy locked herself away for weeks, months. No one visited other than Corinne and on rare occasion Monica, her mother. "I found out the night he died...that I was pregnant. So thinking about it brought the pain of that night back. So I locked myself away and pretended it wasn't happening. I was more than six months pregnant when I admitted it, saw a doctor. So no, she wasn't hard; the poor thing was neglected until she arrived."
He sighed, "I haven't lived since he died, not really. This is the earliest that I've left the office since then."
"Well the one thing you should take from him dying before he was thirty is that life is for living. You should enjoy every day."
"Do you?"
That made her smile, "I'm living...I didn't for a while, but I am..." she nodded towards the bedroom, "we are living."
An hour later he left, promising to bring the forms he needed her to sign around at some point in the next few days. She smiled as he made his way to the elevator, and he sighed with relief, she was on a good place. That was what he had wanted to see.
Now what to do? He looked at his watch, nine pm, he had to be up early o clear the mountain of paperwork he had abandoned for her, but he'd had an emotional night, confronting his past, his demons. Pulling out his phone he called Toby, his lawyer, but also a friend. He answered amidst a din of noise.
"I'm a party in the club near the Tower; you know the one we went to last Christmas? Come over it is wall to wall fun!"
He knew that his friend was asking out of politeness, he'd not accepted one offer in too long. He needed something, so he smiled, aware that his friend couldn't see that.
"Ok. I'll get a cab...get me a whisky I'll be there by the time you've paid for it."
Live life to the full...he had to live by that motto, Sammy was right, it was what Marcus would have wanted.