*above picture is of Rainne's outfit*
Gerard sat on the edge of Frank's couch, his eyes fixated on the painting he had made for Frank, which was proudly hung in the entryway, but it wasn't like the artwork was actually holding Gerard's attention, it wasn't even all that good, despite Frank's protests that it was the best thing he had ever seen, but looking at it was much better than the alternative, which would be to actually make eye contact with either Rainne or Brendon, who were currently sitting across from him at the moment.
Gerard had kept his promise to Frank and shown up today, even though his reluctance had returned full force once he had woken up this morning, but Gerard refused to back out on Frank, no matter how badly he wanted to. Gerard had considered asking Lindsey if she wanted to tag along, only if Frank was okay with it of course, but Gerard had quickly changed his mind on that matter; Lindsey was not happy with Gerard's decision to hide his feelings from Frank, and that was putting it lightly, so having the two of them in the same room could only end badly for Gerard, and he didn't want to take that risk, no matter how much he would have appreciated her company.
So Gerard had turned up alone, almost half an hour late, but he had done it, and the warm embrace Frank had greeted him with calmed Gerard immensely, but now that he was here, Gerard felt out of place, just like he knew he would, so he had spent the entire time sipping a beer slowly, making sure not to get too drunk of course, listening to Frank and Brendon converse as Robin Hood: Men In Tights played in the background.
Gerard had pressed Frank for more information on Brendon yesterday after their discussion about Rainne, because even though Gerard knew Brendon better than his girlfriend, he was still mostly clueless about him as well. He learned that Brendon had tread a path very similar to Frank, trying and failing with numerous bands, eventually ending up as a drag queen when he discovered that it was a great way to get his voice out there while actually making money, which was something none of his previous projects had been able to do.
Brendon wasn't as into the lifestyle as Frank, who was more than happy to be a drag queen for as long as possible; Brendon still yearned to start up something of his own, but when Rainne had come into his world, he had stayed for her, helping her break out of her shell until she eventually began performing with him, and Brendon had sworn to stay at the club until they had earned enough money for her surgery.
Speaking of Rainne, she was staring at Gerard again, he could feel her eyes on him, even though every time he looked in her direction, her gaze instantly darted away, but the entire situation was making Gerard extremely uncomfortable, and he really just wanted to leave, but he didn't know how to do that without being rude and hurting Frank in the process.
Frank and Brendon were talking animatedly, mostly about past events and inside jokes that Gerard didn't understand, and Gerard could sense that it had been some time since the two had seen each other outside of the club, causing a spike of guilt to shoot through Gerard's stomach when he realized that might be because of him.
Frank was with Gerard almost every day now, and even though he obviously had some free time when Gerard was at work, Gerard wasn't sure what he did with it, and Gerard felt that familiar nagging worry that Frank would get tired of him sooner or later, even though Frank had showed no signs of that happening anytime soon.
Gerard sighed heavily, trying to dispel the negative thoughts that were taking over his mind, but they were reluctant to leave his brain. As if sensing his internal distress, Frank's hand made its way to Gerard's discreetly - not exactly holding it, more like resting on top of it, but the simple touch erased the dark clouds hovering over Gerard, and he shot Frank a grateful smile in return.
"So -" Frank turned to Gerard as he spoke, shooting him a sly wink out of the corner of his eye, "I need Brendon to help me choose an outfit to wear tonight, so maybe you two can get to know each other a bit better while we are gone."
"Wait - Frank," Gerard stammered out, but it was too late, Frank was already standing up, giving Gerard a reassuring smile before he disappeared into the bedroom with Brendon, leaving Gerard and Rainne alone in the living room which suddenly seemed much too large for the two of them.
Gerard felt a small flare of anger at Frank for placing him in such an awkward position, but Gerard knew Frank meant well; he wanted Gerard to bond with his friends, and he thought talking to Rainne would help Gerard become more at peace with himself, and even though Gerard wasn't sure if he was ready to open up to a relative stranger, he didn't really have a choice anymore.
Rainne looked as uncomfortable as Gerard felt, her hands twisting in the sweeping skirt which fell to her knees, her eyes glued to the door Brendon had disappeared behind, as if her stare alone would bring Brendon back to her, and for some reason, seeing Rainne looking more frightened than he was set Gerard at ease, and he found the courage to push himself to his feet and head over to the loveseat Rainne was curled up in.
"So - um...I just wanted to properly introduce myself, I'm Gerard - I mean, you know that, but I never actually told you my name, and I know yours, so uh...sorry for never talking to you before, I'm just - bad with people, you know?" Gerard rambled, his hands clutching the warm bottle of beer he had yet to relinquish.
Rainne shot Gerard a small smile before scooting over so Gerard had room to sit down, the expression making her face look much more welcoming, and Gerard felt some of the tightening in his chest that he always felt when initiating contact with people abating at her kind actions.
"Hi - I'm Rainne, but you know that, and you don't have to apologize, I'm not very good with people either, so I understand." Rainne spoke softly, causing Gerard to have to listen intently, but he liked the sound of her voice, and it was nice getting to actually hear her speak instead of catching snippets of whatever she whispered in Brendon's ear.
Conversation flowed easily now that introductions were out of the way, and even though Gerard stuck to small talk, skirting the issue he actually wanted to ask Rainne about, Gerard already felt accomplished for just speaking with Rainne, and he didn't want to ruin the moment by being too intrusive too soon.
"So, Frank said you had something you wanted to ask me?" Rainne finally touched on the topic that Gerard had been steadfastly avoiding, and even though part of him was shaking his head at Frank for meddling, he wasn't really surprised, and at least now he had a plausible reason for bringing up his questions about gender.
"Well...yeah - actually, I - I was just curious how you discovered your gender, and I don't mean to be rude, or pry, or whatever, but I'm just having a lot of doubts about myself, and I grew up in a really conservative household, so I didn't even know any of this stuff existed until a few years ago, and -" Rainne cut off Gerard's rambling with a chiming laugh, her eyes lighting up with joy as Gerard's jaw snapped shut in embarrassment. "I'm sorry, please don't be mad," Gerard stuttered out, his heart pounding in his chest as he waited for Rainne to speak, because even though she looked happy, he couldn't help but feel that she was laughing at him and his ignorance.
God - Gerard felt so fucking stupid, he didn't even know why he told Rainne about his upbringing, or how confused he was, he should have just asked the question and left it at that, but no - he had to go and embarrass himself again, he just had to fuck up and look like an idiot in front of Rainne, who would probably tell Frank about it later, and really - Gerard wished the ground would open him up and swallow him whole right now so he could escape from all of this.
"Oh," Rainne's laughter broke off when she took in Gerard's crestfallen expression. "Gerard, I'm happy you asked - really, I am. For so long, I had to hide my gender from everyone in fear of being judged...or worse, so to have someone be genuinely curious about this is a breath of fresh air," Rainne assured him, causing Gerard's eyes to shoot up from their previous position fixated on his lap, trying to detect any hint of falsity on Rainne's face.
"Really...you don't think it's weird that I am so confused at my age?" Gerard asked, his bottom lip quivering as he waited for Rainne's answer.
"Of course not, especially if you weren't exposed to any of this when you were younger. A lot of people don't even know what transgender means, and the fact that you are asking me questions instead of making assumptions behind my back shows that you are a really caring person."
"Wow, thanks, and uh...just so I get this off my chest, I'm sorry if I ever misgendered you. I didn't know at first, Frank only told me yesterday, and I just wanted to make it perfectly clear that I would never do that on purpose," Gerard promised, and really, he didn't think he would have any problems making sure he used Rainne's correct pronouns now that he was aware of them. Even in his head, it was always she when he was referring to Rainne, and he hadn't slipped up once when speaking with Frank about her so far.
"I don't think you have, but seriously - thank you for saying that, I just - nobody ever cares besides the people at the club, so this is really new to me," Rainne smiled broadly.
"Well that's stupid, people should care, and I'm sorry they don't." And really - Gerard didn't see how anyone could mistake Rainne for a male, Gerard had only assumed that she was because most of the drag queens at the club seemed to identify that way, and yes - he hadn't seen her dressed in something plain, like jeans or a t-shirt, but she had very feminine features, her soft face and curly brown hair that brushed her shoulders screamed her gender loud and clear, and if he had passed her on the streets, he would have no idea that she actually had a penis.
"You are so sweet, I can see why Frank likes you," Rainne chuckled wryly, leaving Gerard blushing again at the mention of Frank, especially Frank liking him, even though she only meant as a friend - obviously. "Anyway, enough apologizing okay, what exactly did you want to know about me?"
"I - I guess I want to know when you figured yourself out...because I'm having a really hard time with that, and I like dressing up like a girl," Gerard cringed internally as he revealed another nugget of personal information about himself, but Rainne seemed like an understanding person, and Frank trusted her, which meant a lot in Gerard's book, "but I don't know why I like it. I'm pretty sure that I'm not transgender, but I don't know another term that describes what I'm feeling, and I was hoping that talking to you would help me figure out if I am or not."
"Well...being transgender isn't a cookie cutter experience, it's different for everyone. Some people know when they are kids, and others take ages to truly come to terms with it, but it's something you always feel inside, you just might not understand it at first. For me at least, I was always uncomfortable in my own skin, but it took me until high school to figure out why. My parents were no help, telling me I was going through a phase, and it took talking to my guidance counselor to help me truly understand what I was feeling."
"Can you explain more what you mean?" Gerard interrupted, but he was slightly confused by Rainne's explanation, and he wanted details so he could compare them to his own situation.
"Of course - it started in middle school, at least, that is when I first remember wanting to be a girl instead of a boy. Some of my classmates were staring to get boobs and curves, and I couldn't stop staring at them - not in a sexual way, but in a 'why don't I look like that way'. I asked my parents why I didn't have those things, and they shut me down instantly, telling me that I was a boy, and I should know better than to ask stupid questions. That was the first night I went in my bathroom and cried at my reflection, and it sort of escalated from there. I hated looking at my dick, sometimes I even wanted to chop it off, and I would always try and mold my chest to look like breasts, but it was never enough. I would sneak into my mom's room when she was out and put on her clothes, and fuck - it just felt right, I can't really use any other words to describe it. I began experimenting with makeup too, making myself look more feminine in any way I could."
"Oh..." Gerard gasped, not even aware that the sound had left his mouth because he had been so enraptured in Rainne's story.
"Yeah - it was a really weird time for me, I would take girl clothes in my backup and change at school so I would feel better about myself, nothing too extreme, because I didn't want to get beat up, but stuff like tank tops and tight jeans, and I would spend ages in the bathroom, putting on makeup before class. I had to take it all off before I went home of course, but it was worth it, especially when I would go get lunch off campus and I would actually pass with some of the cashiers at the nearby McDonald's." Rainne smiled fondly at the happy memory, and Gerard found himself grinning along with her.
"You are really brave," Gerard murmured, because he couldn't imagine showing up to high school in makeup, much less feminine clothes, he would have been torn to shreds before he even made it inside the front doors.
"Nah - I was terrified back then, I just did my best to hide it. It took me ages to stop shaking when I would walk into class dressed like a girl, fuck - half of the time I would end up crying in the bathroom before the day was over, but in the end, that actually worked out in my favor. A teacher found me in there one day, so he sent me to the guidance counselor since he had no idea what to do with a sobbing teenage boy dressed up like a girl, and that's when everything finally came together."
"But I thought you had already figured out that you were a girl?" Gerard interjected, the question bubbling past his lips without any conscious thought.
"I did, but I didn't understand why I felt that way. I still thought I was a freak, I didn't know other people shared my struggle, my parents never let me use any social media, and I didn't have many friends at school, so I hadn't really explained my feelings to anyone, they all just thought I was a weirdo who liked crossdressing. Talking to the guidance counselor helped me put a name to what I was, she explained to me that I was transgender, and that it was totally normal. She showed me a bunch of websites and blogs, and for once, I felt accepted, I felt okay with myself. She convinced me to come out to my parents...even though that blew up in my face, but still, she was the first person to treat me like I actually mattered, instead of just pushing my gender under the rug. She was the one who told me I could choose to use female pronouns if I wanted to, and fuck - when she called me she, it was the best feeling in the world."
"She sounds like a fucking amazing guidance counselor, mine was a piece of shit," Gerard chuckled, remembering the aging lady with the leopard print glasses that he had to visit once a week for a month when one of his poems he turned in to his English teacher was deemed dark and troubled.
"She really was, I don't know what I would have done if it wasn't for her," Rainne agreed, her curls bouncing as she nodded her head. "So, did that help you at all?" Rainne asked when Gerard stayed silent, his brain processing over everything he had learned.
"Yeah - I think it did, and I'm pretty sure I'm not transgender. I don't hate my body, not in that way, I just wish I was better looking, but I'm pretty sure everyone does, and I really like my dick, but I just don't understand why I love wearing woman's clothing so much. I know it isn't a big deal, I mean - Frank does it, and he has no deeper meaning behind it, but I just can't help but overthink everything, and it just doesn't make sense to me."
"Well, if you want my opinion, it doesn't sound like you are transgender either, but I don't know you very well, even though I have heard a lot about you from Frank, but that isn't the only option for what you are feeling. It's possible that you could be bigender, which basically means you fluctuate between the two, or you might be non-binary - not truly masculine or feminine, or you could just really like woman's clothing, which is totally fucking okay, and I think it's stupid that an article of fabric needs to be labeled with a gender."
"Wow...I haven't heard of those terms, and I'm not sure if any of those are what I am or not," Gerard sighed, the new information overwhelming his brain and making him feel dizzy, but also validated, because whatever he was, he had people like Rainne and Frank willing to help him discover it, and that support meant everything to Gerard.
"There are a lot of labels, and they get really confusing at times, but in the end, you are the one who needs to decide what you are, and as long as you are happy, you don't need a word to describe yourself. So you like skirts - who cares - you don't need to explain yourself to anyone, but if you ever want to talk to someone, I'll be more than happy to go over everything in more detail with you," Rainne smiled genuinely, and Gerard couldn't believe he had been so reluctant to speak with her about this, because even though he was still confused, he felt better about himself than he had in months.
"Thank you so much for telling me about yourself, and for helping me, it means a hell of a lot, and I'm sure I will be coming to you again sometime soon once I have some time to think about all this."
"You don't have to thank me, I really like talking to you, and don't be afraid to reach out to me whenever you need it." Rainne paused for a moment before turning back to Gerard with a sly grin on her face. "So...since you asked me a question, can I ask you one?"
"Uh...sure?" Gerard squirmed slightly, the mischievous twinkle in Rainne's honey colored eyes making him nervous all over again.
"Do you like Frank as more than a friend?"
"W-What - no, why would you think that?" Gerard protested instantly, but his crimson cheeks betrayed him, and he could only hope that Rainne didn't notice the blazing heat emitting from his face.
"You can tell me Gerard, I promise I won't go blabbing to Frank," Rainne pried, but Gerard was already shaking his head vehemently, trying to hide behind his over-exaggerated actions.
"Nope - not at all, we are friends - just friends," Gerard squeaked, his voice cracking embarrassingly as he forced out the lie, but there was no way he could tell Rainne about his feelings for Frank; he may trust her, but that didn't extend so far as to believe that she wouldn't find a way around her promise, like telling Brendon and then having Brendon tell Frank.
Gerard had no idea how Rainne had picked up on his crush, he hadn't even spent that much time around her, and yes - he sometimes held hands with Frank when she was in the room, but friends did that - right? Gerard didn't think he was that obvious in his internal fawning over Frank, but if Rainne had seen straight through him, then what if Frank had too, but no - he would have said something, or maybe he was just ignoring the issue to spare Gerard's feelings.
Lindsey was still convinced that Frank liked Gerard back, constantly bringing up his tweet, which Frank had said had been about Gerard, and Gerard finally admitted that maybe Frank had been harboring some feelings for him at one point, but that was before Gerard had gotten drunk and forced himself on Frank, before Gerard had almost ruined everything; Gerard was lucky that Frank still wanted to be friends with him, but he couldn't fathom the idea that Frank could still like him after that display, if he ever had at all that is. Frank could have easily been lying about the tweet to placate Gerard in his wasted state, and really, that made so much more sense than believing that Frank could actually be attracted to someone like Gerard, but Lindsey didn't seem to see it that way.
"Gerard...hey - you in there?" Rainne snapped her fingers, bringing Gerard out of his panicked thoughts and back into reality once more.
"Yeah - sorry, I'm here," Gerard blushed again.
"Do you want to go check up on the boys now?" Rainne asked, and Gerard heaved a sigh of relief when he realized that the subject of Frank had been dropped.
"Yes," Gerard nodded eagerly, desperate to escape this situation before Rainne dug any deeper into his feelings for Frank, because she already knew too much about him, and he didn't like the way her eyes were gleaming discretely, as if she was peeling back Gerard's skin and revealing the buried affections which lay underneath.
Rainne stood up gracefully, shaking out her skirt before heading into Frank's room, beckoning for Gerard to follow her. Gerard stumbled to his feet slowly, still slightly shell shocked by what had just happened, but he was okay, his secret was safe, Rainne had believed his lie; it didn't matter that she shot him a knowing look before disappearing behind the open door, or that she was way too observant for her own good, because she had no proof, and Frank would just laugh it off, even if she did tell him something, or at least, that is what Gerard told himself.
Another chapter down, I'm in the zone now.
I have nothing to say, so you know the drill - vote, comment, all that good stuff.
((((good vibes))))
<3 starr