"The Dilemma"
" And every time I close my eyes, I see a shadow formed by the light. I wonder is it you or my imagination in disguise?"
All my way back from Dean's, I kept pondering upon one question,
Is she the one?
Though the ride from Dean's place to mine, is of merely fifteen minutes but today it seems like an eternity.
Oh what this girl is doing to me!
I let out a frustrated groan.
Is she the one?
I think to myself, again while driving.
Yes, there is no denying to the fact that the girl certainly have irresistible charm, which one can't simply ignore. I can't neglect.
I mean, I so...have something inexplicable going on within the confines of my heart that every time I see her, I feel something which I had never felt before. Its something that is differently indifferent, that it couldn't be pointed out easily. It makes thousands of wing-flattering butterflies erupt in my stomach.
I sighed heavily as I reached my destination.
I parked my car in the garage and moved to my private elevator.
I moved out of the elevator in the corridor towards my door, it is the only door in the whole corridor. Technically speaking, I own this building and in particular, this floor is the one exclusively reserved for me and has been converted as my penthouse.
As I punched my code in the lock, the door opened, illuminating the living room automatically.
Well it is not lavish as it is usually described by people, rather it is small and cozy. Adjacent to the door, was the kitchen counter, and at the end of the counter was placed a double door refrigerator.
I moved towards the refrigerator to grab a water bottle to quench my thirst. I put all my stuff on the top of the refrigerator and took a sip of it as I took in my house.
Yes house, not home which I had longed always, a place filled with laughter and memories from the people you love, a place which holds those unforgettable moments of life that you always want to cherish. A place which give your heart a warmth of love and affection not a shudder that gave your heart distress.
To the left of the main door is a living room and to the opposite of it, is a lounge. I am not the one to put up photos because it reminds you how your life changes, and in my case it reminds me of all the drastic changes my life has been through, and honestly I am not such a big fan of them.
As I looked at my terrace, which was attached to the lounge but separated by a huge glass door, I saw a tall figure amidst the shadow, it was so familiar that I instantly recognized who it is and made my way to the terrace and saw him, he was there standing at the edge admiring the marvellous view of Manhattan which was offered by my terrace, all the glimmering lights and voice of life, and the view of glittering skyline.
I then, averted my gaze towards my brother, who was completely oblivious to my presence.
"Zane...What are you doing here?" I asked softly as I dropped myself in one of the plush chairs.
Upon hearing my voice, he turned towards me.
"Nothing...Uh, I went home and found it empty, so I thought I should spend my weekend with you." He said as he moved back to come sit across from me. His voice was sad although he tried to hide whatever he was currently feeling and gave me a small smile.
I sighed a deep sigh.
"Bro...I miss Mom."
He looked so...sad, almost like a lost child. He looked at me and then back at the skyline and continued, "I miss all those times when we were an actual, a real family."
His words came out so strained and his voice became so soft, so...weak at the end. I felt the same pang of hurt, almost the same pain a child goes through when he sees his mother lying so pale and lifeless in a coffin, but displaying all of my emotions has never been an option for me. Whereas for Zane, he came out to me as my small brother and I knew what I needed to do at this moment.
I patted his shoulder and looked at the beautiful skyline, reminiscing all those happy moments we had had as a family. Remembering all the times we had spent with our parents, with our Mom.
"Mom." I thought
I have so much going on inside me at the very moment that I can't even separate the feelings. Love, hurt, anger, pain, empathy and finally nostalgia and Iris and Zane and Mom.
"Me too..." I started, "If mom would have been alive, things would have been so different. Don't you think?" I said looking at Zane.
"Yeah." He sighed.
"Things would have been different on an entire different level. Then we wouldn't have to live like this...like the way we are living right now. Dad wouldn't have been like this, escaping from the reality. You wouldn't have been like this bro. You wouldn't have to work so hard to compensate for Dad's absence and Sarah's betrayal. If mom would have been alive, you wouldn't have to go through it alone." He stated.
"Sarah's betrayal has nothing to do with this. Its just that it happened and the truth came out at the wrong time, Zane. And let's not talk about it..." I said looking at the dark sky.
"But bro, you loved her and she...damn it, she betrayed you." He said.
"Zane..." I hissed.
I knew this was the wrong time to get angry at Zane for something that was the truth of my life but I couldn't forget that and moreover I just couldn't forget that it was partially the betrayal that made me what I am today. Nonetheless, I couldn't forget that memory; that day when I found the truth. That memory was imprinted on my brain for maybe...forever?
"Heeeeyyyy...baby." She said.
"Hey!" I had said.
"Where are you?"
She had asked sounding cheerful.
"At my mother's funeral." I had vaguely replied not eliminating the hint of annoyance from my voice.
"Sorry baby, I couldnt make it..."
"Its okay."
No freaking way, it's not okay.
When in reality, nothing was actually okay. My world was like, not on tracks. My life was totally gone insanely crazy. In just two days with Mom being gone, my family had become dysfunctional and was falling with each moment, not that it wasn't falling before but my Mom had tried her best to compensate for Dad's disappearance yet my family was so broken at the moment. So many people were coming to pay their condolences to us. They told us to be strong and be hopeful. They told us how good of a lady my mother was. Zane was not even listening and at most times, he was in tears. He had said, there's no need to stand here and listen to all those strangers say good things about our Mom when actually, they hardly knew her. He however, had a point and forced me to his room after the burial. And we had spent the rest of the day there.
"Baby, I need some cash..."
"Okay. My credit card is in the second drawer beneath my books..."
"Okay baby...Bye, love you."
"Love you too..."
Zane shook my hand and brought me out of my reverie.
"Is. There. Something. To. Eat?" He asked emphasizing on every word.
"Yes...ah, yes." I said punching the bridge of my nose, "You will find frozen food, some sandwiches in the refrigerator and probably some leftover pizza's there, too."
"Thanks, I am famished." He shot me a smile.
Zane walked out and moved towards the kitchen, leaving me out on the balcony all alone drowned in my thoughts.
"Hey, this is Sarah. I am busy right now. You can either leave me a message or call me later." The voice I recognized too well, said.
"Aaaahhhh... Where are you and why are you not picking up your fucking phone?" I hissed running fingers through my hairs.
"Sarah..." I said as I opened the door of her dorm, "Its eleven in the morn-".
I moved towards her room when I found the living area empty.
"Shit...shit." I hissed as my gaze falls on the clothes that was toppled on the floor.
She was there, lying in her bed covered in sheets, perhaps naked. I rushed towards her side but she wasn't conscious.
"Sarah...Sarah..." I called.
She mumbled something under her breath which I couldn't understand. After an hour of trying to wake her up, she finally was up. She sat on the bed and ran her fingers through her tangled hair. Then she saw me sitting at the couch just opposite to her bed.
I took the aspirin and water and gave her, moving to sit on the chair beside her bed.
She took it and then looked at me, confused.
"What happened?" I asked looking straight into her eyes which were brimming with tears.
"Der..baby..." She said pleadingly.
"Answer my question Sarah..." I hissed trying to control my anger.
"Umm....R-Rick.." she stuttered.
"Who Rick?" I asked clenching my fists so hard that my knuckles turned white.
"He...he is the manager of the modeling company I had applied for, three months ago. It was somewhere when your mother had died. The day of her funeral was clashing with the meeting I had with Rick, that's why I couldn't attend your mother's funeral. It was good, the meeting and he was very polite with me. Then one night, remember, I went out on Tuesday? Well, I went out with him. I didn't tell you because I knew you wouldn't agree to that. We had a couple of drinks and that later became more than what we could handle. And then..." She started sobbing.
"How long?" I asked looking at her.
"Two...two months..." she said hesitantly. "But baby, I love you, not him and you know how they all are..."
"I thought so..." I said and then stood up.
"Have you ever questioned yourself how would I feel upon hearing all this?" I asked looking at her straight in the eye.
She looked at me and then looked at her hand.
"It was for my---"
I shook my head and moved towards the door not letting her even complete her sentence which was so obvious that she couldn't.
"But baby..." She stood up from her sitting position and followed me then held me by my elbow.
"You love me...right?" I said turning to face her, then staring straight into her hazel eyes.
She looked at me bewildered with my response.
"Are-are you break-ing up with me?" She stuttered then broke into tears.
"You can't have both of us, Sarah. You can't...I fucking needed you all this time. I had nightmares of...Mom and of you leaving me. I had fucking nightmares of my Mom's death. I know I am a freaking twenty year old guy but I can't get over the fact that she died in my freaking arms and that my dad has fucking changed. He become an alcoholic. He freaking blames me for everything and I don't even know why? He just blames me. Zane is so freaking young that he doesn't even understand the circumstances at home. He'd been sent off to hostel. My life has fallen apart and you...you have been busy sleeping around and having God damn parties. I was happy for you but now its seem so stupid...I was...I am so stupid."
I stormed out of the door, with tears brimming in my eyes, these bastards are so eager to get out. I had been keeping them in since long and now, now...why?
"You are thinking of her? Aren't you?" Suddenly Zane interrupted and brought me out of my reverie, again. Again.
"What?" I asked trying to adjust my gaze on Zane which got blurred instantly because of the constant straining or staring perhaps.
"Nope...nothing." Zane said and took a seat, "Well you have got everything which can't be eaten, so I ordered a pizza..."
I nodded my head.
"You know what," Zane said " Your lawyer..." he continued looking at me.
I looked away from the skyline and looked at him, with an eyebrow raised.
"Doesn't her eyes remind you of..."
"Mom." I cut him off as a smile crept on my face, making its way through my lips.
Zane nodded, "They holds that same emotions. They are kind, fierce, beautiful..." He said.
"You know brother, I like her." He said chuckling.
I looked at him and hit his head.
"Ouch! What was that for?" He demanded raising his hand to rub the point on his head where I hit him, "...not like like but just like. She is different, she can be assertive at one moment, retiring at another. She is...-"
"Enigma. What she holds no one knows." I continued and Zane grinned at me.
"Exactly" Zane pointed out and brought me back from my thoughts which idiotically I had said out loud.
I looked away and felt embarrassed. Zane was going to say something then suddenly the doorbell rang.
"Pizza is here..." He squeals like a kid, and ran towards the door.
I lay back into my chair and looked up at the wondrous black night.
Zane came back a couple minutes later with a Pizza box and two beer bottles.
"And you know what..." Zane interrupted setting it down on the side table.
"Hmm..." I mumbled.
"It's been years since you dated..." He said while chewing the pizza he ordered.
I broke my stare and glared at him. I narrowed my eyes and he chuckled. I sat straight to face him.
"What's with you today? First my break-up...then Iris. Then this...me not dating since years...wh-aa..."
"I saw the way you look at her," he interjected while grabbing one more slice of the pizza out the box.
I raised an eyebrow, then I tried raising my finger in protest but then put it down. I shot a look at him and then again settled back down into my chair and started staring at the beautiful sky above. Its just this time I was thinking...
Undoubtedly! There has to be a reason as to why my heart acts so erractic around her, why my senses just throws themselves out of the window whence around her, why my heart beats at an uneven pace and I am so baffled yet so peaceful and calm. How every inch of my heart wants to know her.
She is someone like I have never met before, She fascinates my heart, She gave me so much to be questioned upon,
And to know the answers, there's only one way.
★♥★♥★♥★