here's the chappie! sorry it took forever, but I got it up. sorry of it's crappy /: so like yeah here it is >>>
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:- Kaitlyn -:
"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK MATT!?" I screeched, the tears begging to pour. But I refused to let them, I'm through crying over him.
"Kait! It-it's not what it looks like!" He pushed the blonde headed slut to the side, she was far to drunk to care. She shrugged, tripping over her own feet, leaving. My fist were balled up at my sides, my nails digging into my palms.
"How dARE YOU SAY IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE! HOW DARE YOU!" I heard the bus door slam shut, stomping following after. Great, just fucking great.
"Y-you were suppose to be in bed.." He barely whispered. Shocked, I take a step closer.
"What?" I hiss. "Are you saying you've been cheating on me this WHOLE time! How long Matt? Huh? How long? Because even though I caught you the first time you go and do it AGAIN! And I catch you a SECOND TIME!" Don't cry. Don't cry. His silence a loud enough answer. "You fucking ass!" I couldn't control myself. I gave him a nice hard slap across the face. The noise echoing.
The guilt, shock, nervousness, all of it instantly left Matt's eyes and were replaced by a dangerous, anger, rang look. A sudden déjà vu wavering me. Before I could turn and run my face was met with a cold hard punch. I didn't fall, I don't know why I didn't fall. I just stood there hunched over, holding my hand to my face, my nose on fire. Everything was silent, I could literally hear everyone's heavy breathing.
"You.. y-you hit me.." My voice cracked. I couldn't believe it.. after he promised he would NEVER hit me, he goes and hits me.
"Now I see why your ex hit you. You're an ungrateful, selfish, arrogant, worthless, BITCH!" I looked up at the man I use to love, my face numb. I couldn't even met his eyes, they looked to much like his. Stumbling back I finally fall to the ground, my body shaking. Blood and tears mixing.
I heard a thumb from in front of me and someone yelling, punches being thrown. I couldn't tell who it was, I couldn't even look up from the ground. I couldn't function. His words swimming in my head.
'worthless'
'ungrateful'
'bitch'
'selfish'
'arrogant'
My body was shaking and I couldn't breathe. I tasted blood and salt. Not a descent combination.
"Kaitlyn..ssh. Come here." Someone tried picking me up but I jerked away refusing to let anyone touch me. I just wanted to lay here and die.
"No! Just leave me here to die!" I hiccuped out, ripping my arm from someone's grasp. Everything got real quiet. I could hear the faint yells of two people. I easily picked out Matt's voice. God, just the mention of his name made me want to puke. And that's exactly what happen.
"Fuck. Kait, calm down. It's going to be okay." Vic rubbed my back cooing me. Another person pulled my hair back. It's not going to be okay Vic. I'm just seeing if I can puke enough times I could end up dying do to the lack of food in my stomach.
"Tony, go get Austin and Alan. We need to get her inside. Mike, go find someone who has a first aid kit. Hurry please." His voice was calm, but the worry was spilling at every word.
"Kait, please stop. You're going to pass out." He tried pulling me up but again I jerked away. Good, I want to pass out! Maybe if I pass out they won't be able to pick my fat ass up and have no choice but to leave me here to get run over.
"Holy shit. What the hell happened?"
"Jamie! Quick! Help me get Kait up!" Vic started to panic. By now there was nothing else to puke up, I was just dry heaving.
"Is she okay?" Does it fucking look like i'm okay?
"No.. I don't think she ever was." He noticed..?
"She needs to get inside.. it looks like she's about to pass out." Vic mumbled something. "What?"
"I tried! But she doesn't. She just wants to die.." I fell over, dogging the puke and laying on my back. The two continued to talk, trying to get me up to get me to move, talk, anything. But I would just stare right up at the stars. It would be nice to be up there, twinkling and having people admire your beauty. To be able to see what everyone does late at night when no one is watching. How nice it would be to die, to leave this miserable life. Anything to get rid of this pain. I just don't want to feel anymore..
"Kitty..."
"Do you feel that way Kat..?" Alan and Austin's voice startling me. I turned my head to the side, everyone was staring at me with glass eyes. I realize now I must have been talking out loud. Oh well, I don't care anymore.
"Yes." I knew I would regret saying that, I knew I was going to regret saying anything. But at this point I didn't really care. I'm just done. Done with everything, I've held on for far too long and I'm tired of it.
Sighing I sit myself up, immediately everyone rushing to help me. I slapped all their hands away.
"I got it. It's not like I'm paralyzed." I snap. Rude, I know, but oh well. I just want to sleep. Somehow with my jello legs I walked my self all the way back to our bus, avoiding anyone at any cost. The others following close by. I heard Jamie explaining to Mike what happen, the pain in his voice noticeable. Just thinking about how he feels makes me quiver at how much Austin must be feeling. Once in the bus I took a sit on the couch whipping the blood from my mouth, God I hate the taste of blood.
"Here." Mike came and knelt in front of me lifting my face up. Opening the first aid kit beside him he went to work on my face. "You have a broken nose and your face will be pretty bruised but other than that.. you should be- uh good." He tried avoiding the word OK. See, even he knows I won't be OK.
I left the front lounge, Mike and Vic now working on Austin. Apparently he has to go to the hospital due to broken knuckles. Cough, my fault, cough.
Vic, Tony, and Jamie left with Austin to take him to the hospital, Mike and Alan talking in low voices. I blocked their voices out, rolling out if my bunk. Who am I kidding? I can't go to sleep. Not with these voices in my head. I went to the restroom, locking the door behind me. Another one shut and then the bus was silent.
I stared myself down in the mirror, picking out every flaw to make me deserve this pain. Everything added up.
1: I wasn't pretty enough, that's why he cheated.
2: I was fat, that's also why he cheated. Why everyone else did too.
3: I'm a bitch, I'm worthless, I'm arrogant, I'm selfish, I'm stupid. I'm just a bitch. And that's why my ex abused me.
4: I'm nothing, and nothing's are never suppose to be happy.
5: I have scars on my body, no one would ever like that.
6: I'm pathetic. I can't do anything right. I took Matt back when I shouldn't have.
The list just goes on and on and on. Now, I was on the floor, crying when I thought I couldn't cry any more. I crawled to the shower, where my razor was. I took the razor and broke it. I stopped when I hear movement, I flushed the toilet to make it seem like I was using the restroom. It seemed to have worked because the movement stopped and a curtain was pulled back. Biting my lip, I break the rest of the razor, gazing at the new razor I pull my pants down. Knowing just how sharp a new razor can be, I took the razor to my skin hard. The blood oozing out, the bright red running down my leg.
Again and again I went, the red growing darker. The bus was silent, Alan must have been asleep, I have no clue how much longer Austin will be. So, why not let it all out?
:- Alan -:
I laid in my bunk wide awake. Unable to think of anything. I couldn't decide if I should be happy they broke up, or sad because they did and now Kaitlyn is broken. I should probably check on h-
I heard a loud sob. A heart breaking sob, loud enough go echo through the bus.
Worriedly I climb out of my bunk, my hands shaking.
"Kitty...?" I said barely over a whisper. Another heart wrenching sob. I detected that it came from the bathroom. The light was shinning from under the crack, something clattering to the floor. It sounded... small, metal maybe. Another sob mixed with a whimper. I went to turn the door nob, but it refused to turn. Locked.
Oh no.. please god no.
"Kaitlyn? Kaitlyn!" I wiggle the nob, wishing it'll just unlock. "Kaitlyn! Please, no don't do this! Kait!" I rammed my shoulder into the door, nothing. "Kaitlyn! Please! Don't do it! Please!" All I got in a response was sobbing and what sounded like a sorry. No, no, no!
I stepped back, kicking the door. The locked broke open, the wood door slamming against the wall probably making a hole. I could care less.
The sight before me tearing at my heart.
Kaitlyn was leant up against the bathtub, deep red blood trickling down her thigh and onto the white tile floor. She was shaking all over, tearing like a waterfall.
"Kaitlyn..." I feel to my knees right in front of her. Her eyes were closed tight as if trying to block my presence away. I reached for the razor, but she pulled back snapping her eyes open.
"Stay away!" She scurried to her feet, hoping into the tub to make the gap between us widen. "I mean it Alan! Stay. Away! Just go back to sleep and let me finish!" I knew she didn't mean finish cutting. A fool would only think that. And I wasn't a fool, I refused to let her finish anything tonight.
"Kat.. come on. Put the razor do-" That's when I noticed that her hand was clasped tightly, like she was holding something. "Kaitlyn... what's in your hand." I take a step closer. Kaitlyn looks me in the eye, expressionless.
"My doctor told me never to take more than two...that something bad could happen..." She opens her hand, a small bottle of pills.
"Kat-"
"I'm sorry." To quick for me to comprehend, she drops the razor, popping the cap open dumping a handful of pills into her hand. She lifted her hand to her mouth, something snapping in me.
"No!" I lunge forward, knocking the pills out of her hand. The white dots clattering to the floor.
"Alan! I said stay away! What have you done?! I needed those!" She yelled at me. I didn't care I just wrapped my arms around her, ignoring her struggles to escape. I let her yell and yell. I let her scream out to God, I let her pound on my chest, I let her cry. But most of all I let her get it all out.
We lowered into the tub, Kaitlyn in my lap still crying her eyes out.
"Kitty, listen to me.. You don't understand how sorry I am. I know 'i'm sorry' won't fix anything-"
"Nothing will be able to fix me...Nothing. I'm beyond repair."
"That's not true."
"Yes it is." She hiccuped.
"No. I refuse to believe so. You can be fixed."
"How are you so sure? How!" She sat up, almost straddling my lap. "How! Just stop lying to me already! I'm sick of it! Sick. Of. It!" I watched as the anger ran down her cheeks, the loneliness, the pain, swimming in those gorgeous eyes. The cry for help running down her leg in streams of red.
"I'm not lying. I would never ever lie to you. The only reason I know you're going to get fixed is because i'm going to be the one to fix you." I didn't even realize the words had left my mouth till a flicker of hope showed in her eyes but it disappeared as quickly as it came.
"Lier."
"Why do you think I'm lying Kaitlyn? Why? We may have not know each other for long but you know me well enough already to know I wouldn't ever lie to you." No response. "Why?" I whisper. But she knows I wasn't asking why she would believe me. She knows what I'm asking..
"It's really sad actually..." She got this distance pained look in her eyes. "The way people will look at me and think I have it all together when actually my mind isn't even in the same state as my body. I don't know the last time I felt comfortable walking past anyone. There's always this voice in my head yelling at me to look perfect, act perfect, be perfect. I can be crowded by yelling people and still hear that voice. It's telling me that they don't really care, they all have their own lives, they don't really care about me. There's never a day that I don't catch myself zoning out. Thinking about harming my self. I can practically see myself sitting there on the floor shaking. It's something I came back to when I'm lost. I think about how it settles me when I fall back into reality, there I am, alone again. Alone in my mind. No one knows what's going on in my head. No one can save me from it. No one can help."
I soaked up all the words, taking them to my aching heart. I see she didn't realize to say that much, but I also see relief in her face.
"Kaitlyn...Oh Kaitlyn, Kaitlyn, Kaitlyn." I take her face in mine, whipping the tears away. "Kitty... I can help you, no, I WILL help you."
"Alan, stop now. No you can't. Why would you? I mean nothing to you."
"What? Are you kidding? Darling, I love you for who you are. Everything you do makes me love you more. You're perfect in my eyes. You mean everything to me. Everything." I couldn't stop my lips from forming those words, but there was no backing out now.
"W-what..?"
"K-Kaitlyn. I love you okay. I truly truly do. You may not believe me, but I do. Everything about you drives me crazy. How, your laugh is like music to my ears. I like how your eyes change colour when you're angry or sad. The happier you are the brighter they get. I love your smile, how bright it is and how it always makes me smile. I love your hair, I love your hands, they're so small. I love your cheeks, how squishy and cute they are. I love the crinkles by your eyes when you laugh. I love your personality. It reminds me of a chameleon, no fixed personality. I love your voice, oh God, I could listen to you all day!
"Most of all, I love how you make me feel. You make me feel these things that i've never felt before. You make my heart race, you make my stomach erupted in butterfly's, you make my day brighter by just being here with us. You're always on my mind. And even though you have scars covering your thighs. I still think your beautiful. And it kills me that you're not happy, it kills me that you harm yourself, it kills me how you've been treated. All I want to do is treat you like you should be treated, like a princess."
I stared Kaitlyn right in the eye, so much emotion swimming in her bambi eyes I start to grow worried that she may not feel the same. Then, she nuzzles her face into the crook of my neck.
"Can we go to bed now, please." I expected more, I don't know. But I should give her space, she's had a rough night already. Foolish of me to bring this on her. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
"Of course, just let me clean your uh leg."
~
Swopping Kaitlyn off of the bathroom counter bridle style, I carry her to her bunk, about to set her down when she protested.
"No... C-can I sleep with you..." There it goes again. My heart hammering against my chest.
"Yeah, sure." Laying Kaitlyn in my bunk first, I go in after her. Not knowing what to do I just lay there at first, until Kaitlyn cuddles up into my side. Taking in a deep breath, I wrap my arms around her, hugging her closer to me. Inhaling her sweet scent, I let a smile bloom onto my face. I can't believe I have her in my arms for once. She may not be mine yet, but at least I get to hold her longer. I may not ever get this chance again, and I'm okay with that. If this is what will help her, than I'm fine with that. Even if it means I never get to hold her like this again. I wish she could have loved me ba-
"Al, I love you too... night."
Wait, what?
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so there it is :3 yeah ik lame, but I needed to update. Lots of stuff been going on so yeah.
anyway
please continue to vote comment and all that jazz
thanks to everyone for reading this <3
~stars can't shine without darkness~