Published: Monday September 7th 4:33 pm 2015
42 pages!!! This is the absolute longest chapter I've ever written. ENJOY!
Edited:
Jafar:
August 3rd
I regret the decisions I have made in my life, and the stupid, rush decisions I will make in the future. I regret not re-thinking the things that will change my life for the worst. Not a lot of things that I've done have been for the better.
I'm not just talking about Ayah, but about everything I've ever chosen from the moment I could think correctly. As a child, something is always influencing your decisions, much like now, actually. My bad judgement influenced me, and now I'm left with regret. It's one of the worst feeling ever to grace my mind.
Why I haven't tried to think rationally? Why I didn't just turn to the right decision yet? I'm in way too deep. Now I'm at the point where I have to keep doing it. I can't stop. If I stop, nothing will be the same. Believe it or not, it will be worse than when I wasn't thinking. Which is why now, I'm sat in my car in front of the hospital, wondering why I didn't make the right decision. It all started this morning at Fajr.
Earlier that day
Jafar:
"Jafar, it's time to wake up."
I grumbled in my sleep induced state and buried my head deeper in my pillow. It can't be Fajr yet. I just went to sleep!
"Jafar Ibrahim, get up or I'll tell Abi..."
I slowly lifted my head up to raise an eyebrow at Jamila. The last time she said that, I was eighteen and she was eight. It only worked then because we were suppose to be going on an important trip and I was late. Now it has no effect on me.
As I looked at her, I noticed a picture of someone on her phone.
"Mill's, whose that on your phone?"
Her eyes widened before she quickly turned the phone off.
"No one. Now, get up already."
"I'm getting up," I grumbled. "Can you pass me my phone from my desk?"
She huffed but complied to my request. If it's time for Fajr, it must be quite early. And looking at he clock proved it. Great. I only got about two hours worth of sleep.
"Jafar, why do you have tickets for California scheduled for a couple of days?"
"I got up quicker than normal and grabbed the tickets from her grasp, cursing under my breath. Why didn't I put these away?!
"I thought you would be here for a couple of months."
"I was, but things change."
The room was silent for a while. Me getting dressed in my khamis and kufi, while Jamila stood there watching me. After a good five minutes, she finally spoke.
"Is Ayah going?"
I paused what I was doing, but I couldn't think of a lie to say. I can't say that she is with them being such good friends. I can't say I'm not going because she saw the tickets.
"Jafar, don't do this to her. Not again."
"It's complicated," I sighed, grabbing the tickets from her and put them away.
"How complicated is leaving your wife, not once, but twice for a pipe dream come true?"
All in all, she's right. But in order for Ayah and I to finally be together, this needs to happen.
"Do you even care about her?"
I turned around to look at Jamila in disbelief. How can she say that? Everything I'm doing now is for Ayah. For us... I hate to do this, especially after we've become closer these last few days.
"You know I care about her, and I love her deeply. I just need to handle some stuff before anything else."
"You mean like your marriage?" She scoffed, taking a couple steps closer to me. I stood my ground, not about to cowar down and admit she's right and make myself stay.
"You better tell her before I do."
"Jamila, this isn't any of your concern."
"It's not any of my—she's my best friend, Jafar! You've hurt her too much as it is!"
"She is also my wife!"
"Start acting like it!" She shot back, shooting daggers at me. "I mean it. Don't hurt her or else you'll lose her and..."
I swallowed hard and looked her down.
"And what?"
"Me."
-*-
Ayah:
"Zahrah, take it easy! The baby can literally walk out by now."
I chuckled from where I sat on the sofa, watching as Zahrah and Tehreem went head to head about the topic of Zahrah's health. Zahrah is now a full week and a day late for delivery, but unlike any other pregnant woman, she's acting like there isn't a little being inside of her right now. From trying to cook, go shopping and do the things she normally does--which is basically everything.
One thing that everyone agrees on, is that she is a busy body.
"Reemi, I may be nine months and a week and a day preggo, but I'm not immobile. All of you need to understand that."
When she looked around for our response, Jamila, Amna and I are the only ones who nodded. Ahmed Tehreem and Um Jafar held their ground.
"Habibti, you are humongous," When Ahmed noticed the hurt look on his wife's face, he shook his head. "Let me rephrase that. You're very pregnant. We all want you and the baby to be healthy, therefore you should rest."
Zahrah rolled her eyes and reached for her phone.
"Fine, If you want me to be bored to death, only using my phone as entertainment, so be it."
Yes, ladies and gentlemen. The oldest of the Ibrahim children has just made a very childish scene.
"Zahrah," Um Jafar warned, giving her daughter a warning look. "I'm going to make you some tea, but when I come back..."
"I'll be here. Shukran, Ummi."
Um Jafar smiled and walked into the kitchen, Amna behind her. The rest of us sat here, Zahrah more than likely playing subway surfers on her phone, Tehreem went outside to talk to her husband and Jamila right next to me. I really do feel for her. Her faults aside, she is still my sister. Even before I married her brother. It's just really hard for me to see her in this type of stress. I'm used to her being the strong, youngest child she's always been—the one anyone could come to, regardless her age.
Now I'm talking about her like she's an old wise woman, but that's what some see in her. They see a funny, joking teen. I've seen that side of her for years. The years I didn't know her. But when I saw the side of Jamila that is shielded from the world, I knew she needed someone.
"So, Ayah, when are you and Jafar popping out some little ones?"
I blushed under everyone's gaze and turned to Zahrah. She is definitely the blunt one. I cleared my throat before answering her.
"I—we, um. I don't know..."
Ahmed burst out laughing before playfully glaring at Zahrah.
"Habibti, that's personal, don't you think?" He asked her.
"I was just wondering considering they've been married, for what? Two years?"
"A year and two months," A new voice added, before he sat down beside me, offering a small smile.
"Exactly, Jafar. You're past the appropriate time."
All of us returned to stare at Zahrah sideways before Tehreem commented.
"The appropriate time, Z? What, do you have a baby making chart somewhere?"
"Tehreem, wording!" Jamila exclaimed before stuffing her earphones into her ears. Tehreem rolled her eyes before turning to Zahrah.
"No, I don't have a chart, but you know, as well as I do, that everybody in this family gets pregnant, I'd say, a couple of weeks after their wedding."
"We're different," Jafar shrugged, reaching down to squeeze my hand. As he did the gesture, I couldn't help but notice Jamila's intense glare on us—mainly Jafar. It's no doubt in my mind that she's still upset. But I couldn't for the life of me still be upset with him. Not after we've reconnected a lot in the time he's been here.
"Here's your tea," Amna smiled, giving a cup to her Aunt. Zahrah took it gratefully and gave Amna a small smile.
"Hey, Ayah," Jafar whispered low enough so only I could hear. I turned to him with a smile. "You want to get out of here?"
Blushing slightly, I stood up and reached for his hand, which he gladly accepted and followed me to the door.
"Do I need to get the chart out?" I heard Jamila's smart remark from behind us. Jafar stopped walking to glare at his younger sister.
"What?" Jamila asked innocently. "Just asking."
"What's your problem, Jamila. You've just been moody the last couple of days. Especially this morning."
"I'm just asking a question!"
"A very personal question," Jafar pointed out, getting more frustrated by the second.
"Jafar, it was just a joke. Chill."
"Chill?" He scoffed. "You're the one making inappropriate comments, and I'm the one that needs to chill? Mills..."
"Don't call me that!" She suddenly snapped. By now Um Jafar was at the doorway, watching to see where this fight goes.
"You lost that right this morning."
Jafar suddenly silenced himself. What happen this morning? Whatever it was, it couldn't have been good.
"What happened this morning?" Um Jafar asked, coming closer into the room. By now all of us were confused except for Jafar and Jamila. Their silence seemed to have aggravated Um Jafar more.
"You two are adults now, start acting like it. If you're not going to tell me, remember that family ties should never be broken. I don't care what happened. Fix it."
"It won't happen again, Ummi," Jamila assured her, standing up from where she sat on the sofa. Right before she turned to go upstairs, we all heard a groan and turned to Zahrah, who in return looked beyond upset.
"Your fight made my water break. I'm in labor!"
-*-
"Ow, ow, ow! It never hurt this much with the girls!"
"Just breathe, Habibti. Just breathe," Ahmed tried to calm her down, which worked for about a couple seconds before she was met with another contraction.
"Ma'am, we need to get you to the delivery room." The doctor told her, observing all the people walking in with Zahrah.
"Who all can go in?" Um Jafar asked.
"Just one."
"No!" Zahrah shook her head. "My mother and Husband are coming."
The nurse pushing her in the wheelchair gave us a sympathetic smile. This is a time of joy, why is she giving us looks of pity?
"I'm sorry, but hospital rules..."
"I don't care about the rules. The baby is coming now, and I want them in there--Ow!"
A doctor then came down the hall and stood in front of Zahrah.
"Jackie, just let them come back. We need her to get in a room pronto."
The nurse nodded. "Yes, Sir."
After they got all the people that they needed, we all turned to look at each other, no one knowing what to do next.
"Well," Jafar sighed, slinging an arm around my shoulder. "I guess we wait."
-*-
"How long has it been?" Zahrah's eight year old daughter Samra asked me for the fifth time in the last hour. I checked my watch and sighed deeply.
"About two minutes since the last time you asked," I told her, smiling.
Her eyebrows furrowed together in confusion. "How long has it been all together then?"
"Three hours," I told her. "It's actually kind of late. You kids should go home and get some sleep."
"I can take them," Tehreem offered, standing up with her kids as well. Jamila stood too and began to walk with them. I ran and caught up with her.
"Jamie, what's wrong?"
She didn't even look at me, but kept her gaze on the floor. She then turned to give me a deep glance. "Ask, Jafar," She said before catching up with the others.
I stood there watching her retreating form, when I heard footsteps behind me and immediately knew who it was.
"Do you want to go home, too?"
I nodded at Jafar, watching as Jamila went out of eyesight. Jafar came around in front of me, turning my gaze to him.
I looked up to him and narrowed my eyes. "We need to talk."
-*-
Jafar pulled up outside of my house, neither of us speaking a word. After I announced that we needed to talk, we both have been quiet. But enough is enough.
"Okay, can you please tell me why you're so closed off and distant? First the fight with Jamila; I ask her what's her deal basically and she says ask you. I'm done with the secrecy, Jafar. What. Is. Going. On?"
The whole time he kept his gaze down seeming disappointed in himself.
"I'm leaving," He suddenly lets out, and my breathing wavered. No...
"That's what happened this morning with Jamila. She found my plane ticket on my desk."
I swallowed the lump in my throat before whispering my response.
"You said you wouldn't be leaving for months. What happened?"
He shrugged. "I have to do some stuff, and I need to do it now."
I raised an eyebrow in suspicion. "What sort of stuff?"
"I need to handle some things, and I don't know how long it will take."
"So you want me to go another year without seeing you again?!"
Jafar looked up, looking like this conversation is painful. It is.
"I wouldn't be gone for a year, but we can talk like we did last time."
I laughed without humor.
"Yeah, like those many months we spent without talking."
"Ayah..."
"Were you even going to ask for me to come?"
When he again lowered his head in shame, I got my answer. And it hurt, badly.
With that, I got out of the car and ran to my house, Jafar not stopping me. I wasn't expecting him to anyways. As soon as I got inside, I knew Mama wasn't home. She went to visit Aunt Suhayla for the weekend. Without even thinking, I pulled out my phone and dialed the number that was so foreign to me.
"Hattie Moore writing Academy. This is, Taylor."
"Yes," I sniffed. "I was calling to see if there is an opening left for the next semester."
"I'm sorry, but we added our last student yesterday. Is there anything else I can help you with?"
"Are there any job openings or Assistant positions? Please, I need it badly."
"Actually..." She trailed off, and I could hear the shuffling of papers in the background. "There is an opening as an assistant for one of our senior editors. Will you be able to make it here in about... Two weeks?"
I nodded my head but forgot she couldn't see me.
"Yes I can. Thank you so very much."
"You're welcome, but I need your name, number and adress. We need to send you all the necessary supplies for the academy, and verify that you are who you say so there aren't any confusions."
After giving her all the information, I turned off my phone and put on my comfiest clothes: sweats, and watched a movie marathon. Things might be looking up, but I still have a ways to go before I'm completely OK.
-*-
Two weeks later
August 20th
Today is the day. The day I'm finally leaving to go to New York. I can't believe I'm finally going. I know it's not what I originally planned to do--go all this way to New York to be an assistant, but I will take whatever I can. I've always wanted to go to this Academy, and now is a perfect time. Now I'm stood in the middle of the airport, my carry-on on my arm, and Mama trying to control her tears.
We've never been apart like this before. Even when I got married, I stayed home. But let's not talk about that such person.
"Call me when you land and everyday afterwards. I need to know that my baby is okay," Mama told me, wiping some more stray tears from her eyes.
I nodded and gave her one last hug before looking over at my assigned gate.
"Are you sure you will be okay without me?"
Mama smirked in my direction.
"I'll be fine, Ayah. I have family and friends that will love my presence."
"Mama..."
She sighed. "Okay, fine. I'll stop. But, seriously, I'll be fine."
She engulfed me in another hug before letting me go to the gate.
"I love you!"
I turned around and gave her a small smile.
"I love you, too."
-*-
Jafar:
I don't even know why I'm still here. I was suppose to be gone a week ago. Maybe it was guilt or a sign that I should stay, I don't know. But it's not doing me any good. Thank Allah that I'm leaving tomorrow. I can't stay home anymore. No one will talk to me or listen to my side. They're all defending Ayah. Even Mina.
I can't blame then though. I've put her through more than any person should've gone through. We haven't spoken since that night. I wanted to speak to her so badly, but that's selfish of me. I need to give her time. Two weeks is long enough. Now I'm stood outside of her house, waiting for the right time to knock, when I see her Mama's car pull up. And me with the dumb decisions, decided to walk up to her when she got out.
"Aunt Amaya?"
She stopped in her tracks, turning around to give me a blank look. I don't know why I was expecting her to smile at me after what I've done.
"Yes?"
I cleared my throat, ready to speak.
"How have you been?" Not the most original, but I thought it would lighten the mood. It didn't. She tilted her head to the side like she was analyzing me.
"Why are you really here, Jafar?"
"I need to speak with Ayah before I leave. There are some things that need to be said."
"I'm sorry, but she's not here," She announced and started towards her house. I turned on my heels and walked besides her.
"When will she be back. I need to talk to her before tomorrow."
Aunt Amaya stopped in her tracks and sighed.
"Hopefully she won't be back for a while."
I looked at her in confusion.
"What do you mean?"
"She's living her life as she should," She told me. "The way she's always wanted."
When she started walking away agin, I caught up with her.
"Can you please tell me where? Is she with Safeer or her Aunt and Uncles?"
"Jafar, she's in New York," She said which stunned me. What could she be doing there? "She left today and will be there for however long she wants."
"Why didn't she tell me? Why would she go so far and not utter a word?" I asked more to myself, but Aunt Amaya answered.
"She wants to live her dream. You of all people should know the feeling."
And with that, she left me stunned. I knew it was bad between us, but never would I think that Ayah would be the one to leave. And it's all my fault.
-*-
The rest of the day went by slowly. I was in such a daze that I don't remember much. All I could think about is driving Ayah away. Pushing her to the point where she was the one to leave, not me. Hurting such a sweet soul for my own gain.
Now, as I sit in my first class seat in the plane, I can't help but let every regretful decision run through my mind.
"Cheer up, will you? This is what you've wanted for so long."
I looked up at the man traveling with me, wanting to believe his words, but I just couldn't. I couldn't get over the fact that I'm the worst person I know.
"I hurt her to the point that she left," I then turned to him. "She always said she wasn't going to leave." I made her leave.
The man looked at me with sympathy and shrugged.
"Jafar, when this is all over, and you explain your reasons, she'll understand."
I didn't believe him. I went too far this time.
She will forever hurt when she thinks of what I've done. I'll also hurt because I made her ache."
He squinted his eyes at me.
"Are you channelling your inner Shakespeare?"
I rolled my eyes and continued.
"I channeled my inner jerk, I will tell you that. And I don't know how to undo what I've done. New York. She moved all the way up north just to get away from me."
"Jafar, all of this should make you stop the moping and do what you've come to do so everything can be the same again."
"Yeah," I nodded. "But something Ummi told me Ayah said is stuck in my mind: how can we heal when we will forever be wounded."
The man nodded his head in approval.
"That's deep."
"Yeah, it is." I agreed. I've always known that Ayah was good with words, hint: she wants to be a writer. But that quote really stuck to my mind.
"But I don't know how to answer that. Because the truth is, I don't know if we will survive."
-*-
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