Song Recommendation: When I Miss You by BEAST
[Korean Translations]
Aegyo (애교): To act cute
Ajhussi (아저씨): Old man
Ajhumma (아줌마): Old woman
Ani (아니): No
Annyeong (안녕): Hello/Goodbye
Arasseo (알았어): Alright
Chukhahae (축하해): Congratulations
Daebak (대박): Awesome
Dongsaeng (동생): Younger Sibling/ Friend
Eomma (엄마): Mother
Hajima (하지마): Stop
Hyung (형): Older brother for males/Friend
Hwaiting (화이팅): Goodluck/ You can do it!
Gomawo (고마워): Thank you
Gwenchana (괜찮아): Are you okay?
Jalja (잘자): Goodnight
Jalmeokesseubnida (잘 먹겠습니다): Thanks for the food
Jebal (제발): Please
Jinjja/Jeongmal (진짜/ 정말): Really
Maknae (막내): Youngest child/friend out of the group
Mianhe (미안해): I'm sorry
Micheosseo (미쳤어): Are you crazy?
Ne (네): Yes
Noona (누나): Older sister for males /Friend
Omo (어머): Oh my
Ottoke (어떡해): What should I do?
Oppa (오빠): Older brother for females/Boyfriend
Saengil Chukhahae (생일축하해): Happy Birthday
Pabo (바보): Stupid
Wae (왜): Why?
Yeppeoda (예쁘다): Pretty
Chapter 36: Words That Can Kill
Sunday, January 19 2014
Hee Yeon's POV
I enter our house feeling troubled as ever. It's like my mind is floating in mid-air leaving me walking like a mindless zombie. I didn't expect any of this to happen in just one night. Or maybe I did. I just unconsciously denied it to myself.
I went through our door without even looking back at Seokjin. I just feel that I can't look at him right now or let him look at me like this. I am just not in the rightful state to go and interact with people.
So, as soon as I enter, I kissed my mom on the cheek as she is waiting at the living room and went straight upstairs.
As I reach my room, I remove the inapt dress that I am wearing and change to my usual comfortable clothes. After that, I dove onto my bed with my face facing against it. I grab a pillow and just cover the remaining holes that provides me oxygen.
That's the only thing I want to do right now. Die. Because it is too exhausting to think about things that I've been thinking.
But of course, after a few breathless minutes I hastily remove the pillows because dying isn't the best way through this. And I can't possibly die this way.
I look at my phone which is just in front of me and saw the phone strap that Jimin gave to me as a gift. I suddenly remember having a friend that I told all my troubles about. A friend that doesn't need actions to make me okay that only his presence is enough.
"What will I do, little Chim?" I utter, as I try to talk to it hoping that it will give me an answer but it didn't.
"Why are you not answering? Are you not talking to me as well, huh? You're just exactly like that idiot," I continue to utter.
Feeling irritated, I flick it with all of my strength but it just made it come back to where it was. I finally turn my body and lay on my back. I sighed in frustration because I realize that this is not going anywhere and that talking to a phone strap is useless.
Why talk to an object if I can just talk to a person instead, I give myself a thought.
I grab my phone, open the message icon and press Jimin's name. I start off by typing his name first but after a few minutes of thinking what to write I've decided to not continue and return my phone back.
I slowly remove the ring that Jimin and I have and raise it up towards the ceiling. "If only I can talk to my best friend then everything will be alright," I utter. "This is all your fault, you idiot!" I exclaim as I throw the ring away.
After I've thrown it, I instantly regret it. I alarmingly stand up and pick it up on the floor, brush off the dust and put it back where it's suppose to be.
"Are you alright?" my mom utters as she slowly enters my room. "What's wrong, dear?" she continues while she settles on my bed.
I look at her with a miserable expression in my eyes and jump on the bed and lay on her lap.
"What happened, baby?" my mom utters as she brush my hair off of my face. "I thought you had a great time?"
"I did but.." I hesitate to continue.
"But what, honey? C'mon, you know you can tell me anything," she says as she continuously stroke my hair.
I used to tell my mom all of my problems but I stopped once Seokjin left me. It feels like a very heavy burden to carry that's why I never bother to tell her anymore. It's just that I am fully aware that my mom is not getting any younger and giving her something to stress about will not be helpful. Also, I want to be strong for the both of us because we only have each other.
"Please tell me," she pleads.
But I guess I have no choice when it comes to this situation. I can't just let her worry about me without her knowing the reason. And I think I can't handle it by myself.
"Seokjin kind of.. kind of.. proposed to me and he wants me to be his girlfriend," I whisper, hesitantly.
"Well, that's great! I mean you want that to happen, right?" she asks, puzzled.
"Y-yes.. I mean.. N-no.. I mean.. I-I don't know.." I answer confusedly making my forehead furrow because thinking about it gives me a headache.
"You love him, right? So, why feel confused?" she continuously asks but I remained silent.
'You love him' a very simple question but is very hard to answer. The feeling of being hurt and to hate for the longest period of time made me forget what love feels like. So, I can't distinguish if what I'm feeling right now is love or not.
Jimin once said that forgiving Seokjin will get this straightened out but it didn't. It just actually made it worse. I expected that once I forgive him it'll all be over because he said it'll all be over.
A tear dropped from my eye as I think about how Jimin used to always help me get through my problems especially when it comes to Seokjin.
I didn't get it at all why he suddenly avoided me. Is it because he got tired of my everyday ranting and my attitude?
I know it was so random of me to think about him but I can't help myself not to because I am not used to being with myself anymore. And for the first time, after a year of shutting myself out, I finally let someone in. Someone who I trust and depend on. But with just a blink of an eye he's gone as well.
I don't get it why do people always tend to leave me behind.
My confused look suddenly faded into a miserable one which alarmed my mother. "O-oh? What's wrong? Why did you suddenly cry? Is it because of him?" she asks worriedly and I just shook my head.
"Then what's wrong?"
"I miss him.." I whisper having another tear came crawling through my cheek.
"Who? Seokjin?" she utters.
"No. My best friend.. He has always been there for me when it comes to having times like this but I guess he got tired of me.." I murmur like I was only just talking to myself.
I didn't know why I just told my mom about him but I guess she deserves to know.
"I suddenly felt jealous about this mystery guy. You know that I'm here for you too, right?" she chuckles.
"Please don't misunderstood, eomma. When I was in Seoul, he's the only friend that got me through all of the things I've been struggling," I hold her hand and looked at her. "I know you're always here for me but I can't burden you anymore. I don't want you to worry too much."
"I'm just kidding. I'm just trying to make you feel better," she continued to stroke my hair. "I just want you to know that I'm here and I will always be. Your eomma is not that old so she still can take a punch for you," we both chuckle.
I guess I was just too busy being strong for us both that I forgot I still have my mother beside me to support me. How I miss this kind of bond. It's the things that make us closer together and makes us stronger.
"But I guess in this kind of situation, you're the only one who can know the answer," she utters making me face her, confused.
"You can ask thousands of people for opinions about what they think but they won't help at all. Because in the end, you're the only one who can really answer that. Not me, not your best friend. You. You will just have to use this and this," she points out to my head and chest which I guess she's referring to my mind and heart.
I guess my mom was right. All I need right now is myself and no one else. I can't always depend on anyone. I can't just made others decide for me. I need to finally just decide for myself.
As our conversation was over, I thanked her for comforting me and basically for everything she has done for me. She bids me goodnight and tuck me in my bed like a little kid longing for her mother's care.
As expected, I didn't get any sleep at all. I just lay on my bed with my arms under my head and just looking at the ceiling, thinking.
In the morning, I've received a message from Seokjin that he headed to Seoul early because there was an urgent meeting for them at the company. I guess that means I'll be heading back alone later.
Monday, January 20 2014
Jimin's POV
Before meeting Jungkook to head back to Seoul, I've decided to go to the seaside to get a clear head. I stroll the beach while my dad waits for me in the car. I always do this before coming back to Seoul so I guess my dad is used to it by now.
I stand on the reef and just watch the sea move calmly to the shore. Being here makes me feel a little at ease of what's been bothering me this weekend.
[Flashback]
I pack quietly with Jungkook as we prepare to leave for Busan. Since it has been a long tiring week for us we all have decided to go home to our hometowns and get some rest. The other members decided to go home tomorrow while me and Jungkook decided to go tonight.
As we're busy packing, Jin hyung called out to me from the hall.
"Jimin, I want to ask your opinion about something," he utters as he drag me farther from the room.
"What is it hyung?" I ask him.
"You see, I'm planning to do something for Hee Yeon this weekend. Do you have an idea what she likes these days?" he says looking confounded.
"I don't know if there are any things I know that you don't, hyung. I think you're much closer to her than I am," I answer, smiling as I scratch the back of my head.
"Oh yeah, you're right. But she seems different these days so I guess her favorite things has also changed?" he says, hesitantly.
So, I tried to enumerate the few things I know.
"Well.. she likes food especially home made dishes.."
"Oh yes. I know that," he nods.
"She likes books.."
"Oh, I know that as well," he nods.
"She likes classical music.."
"Yeah, I think I know that one as well.." he nods.
"See, hyung. I told you that you already know everything I know," I chuckle as I put my arm around him. "Why are you asking all of these anyway? And why do you seem so tense?"
"I guess I'm just nervous," he let off a light laugh. "I want to do something special for Hee Yeon before I.." he paused.
"Before what, hyung?" I ask.
"Before I propose to her," he smiled, shyly. "You think that's okay, Jiminnie? To propose to her? Is it too soon?"
I felt a hard thump on my chest as I hear him say that. I slowly remove my arms around Jin hyung as I got lost with my own emotions.
Jin hyung loves Hee Yeon.
I need to carve that on my mind so I won't forget. I guess I never really have accepted it at first but hearing him say it for the first time in front of me really made an impact. I guess right now, I can't escape those words anymore.
"Jiminnie? Jiminnie?" he consistently utters and finally catching my attention. "Do you think I should?"
"O-oh? O-of course, hyung," I answer as my voice starts to tremble. "Oh yeah? Why do you have to tell me all of this?" I fidget.
"What do you mean why? You're like close to her so I want to know what you think," he says smiling, messing my hair.
"I'm not that close to her, hyung. And I clearly can't decide for her but if you really want to do it I support you," I responded happily but I can't deny I'm dying inside.
He accepted it, thanked me and told me I can go back to packing my stuffs.
[End of Flashback]
"Jimin! We have to head now or you'll miss the train!" my dad yelled as he stands outside of our car.
I made a last glance of the sea before walking back to the vehicle. I bet this time Hee Yeon and Jin hyung are also heading back together. That means Jin hyung already proposed to her and Hee Yeon accepted him.
I let off a chuckle as I think about all of these things. I really have to stop thinking about these because it won't help me at all. I also need to stop avoiding her because they might get the wrong idea.
I just have to accept this and be happy for them. Seeing her happy is all I ever wanted so I guess as long as she is happy then I'm gonna be alright.
All I need to do now is talk to her as soon as possible, apologize and remain being friends. I guess in this way everything will be back to normal.
But I guess, the words I am dying to say to her will never be spoken.
Seokjin's POV
Late at night, I waited for Hee Yeon at the park just near from our dormitory. She messaged me right away as soon as she returned to Seoul. She said that she wanted to tell me something, I guess it's about her answer from last night.
This is the only place I could ever think of that has no people standing by so it's the one I suggested. She always worries whether there are people who might see us so this place will help her feel at ease.
As I wait for her I can't help but to feel uneasy. There are only two things that is in my mind right now. One, she will accept me and two, she won't.
I started to feel myself getting nervous. I guess I might not be ready for an answer soon but whichever it is I have to respect her decision and accept it no matter what.
As soon as she arrives, I asked her to sit on the bench but she declined. She told me that it will just be quick and that she doesn't want to interrupt whatever I was doing. Apparently, she thought that I was really in an urgent meeting earlier but she doesn't know that I did that on purpose so that she can have time to think.
"Seokjin.." she utters softly making my heart pound harder than before. "I've thought about your proposal since last night and I've finally come up with an answer."
Every word that she says and every minute that passes leaves me completely breathless. It's like the air on my lungs can't pass through my throat, slowly choking me out of nervousness.
And then suddenly..
"I'm sorry.." she whispers.
My ears almost didn't process the word she said but I can't deny that I clearly heard her.
"I'm sorry but I can't accept it, Seokjin. It has been really great spending these days with you. I really appreciate the things you've done for me. But.." she pauses. "But I can't accept it. I don't want to be selfish and just keep you on pursuing me. I'm not like that. I thought that what I'm feeling was love but as I try to look back I realize that I don't feel the same anymore. I hope you-"
Before she ends it I decided to interrupt, "Thank you for being honest, Hee Yeon, I appreciate it. Please don't worry, I understand you clearly. I guess it's just a little too late for me to come back in your life. And I kind of already knew that it will end like this."
I look down to prevent myself from crying because seeing her face will make me tear up. I don't want to make the situation worse nor I want her to see me weak. I just have to accept it like a man.
"I hope we can still be friends?" she utters as she also looks down.
Friends? I don't think I'll be ready for that right now because being friends with the one you love is a difficult thing. I guess she feels bad about me getting hurt. I admire her really because I'm glad she has the courage to come up to me and say these things because it's not that easy.
I pulled her arm making her body come towards me. I hug her tight thinking that this will be the last time I will be able to do this. I feel her startle a bit but didn't completely resist and just allow me to hug her.
"I know it won't be as hard as what you've felt but I can't deny it'll hurt as hell. I'm sorry for putting you all through the things you've been through because of me. It must've been hard. I will whole heartedly accept your answer but I don't think I can recover from this immediately. Please tell me that when I'm ready, you'll accept me as you friend," I whisper as I hold onto her tight.
I suddenly feel her hand comforts me from the back as she utters softly, "Don't worry, I will."
I hugged her for a few minutes more before I finally let go. I manage to stay strong and not let down a single tear.
As we've finished talking, I accompanied her to her house. On our way, my phone suddenly rang, it was Namjoon. As soon as I answered it, I was alarmed of the news that Namjoon brought. The expression of my face alarmed Hee Yeon as well making her ask me what happened.
"Jimin... There was an accident and Jimin is at the hospital."
End of Chapter 36
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A fan fiction is only a fan fiction.
No real harm done to the characters
of the story.
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Writer's Note
So, what do you think about Hee Yeon not accepting Seokjin's feelings? And what do you think happened to Jimin?
All of that will be revealed in the next chapter. I might update Chapter 37 later or I don't know... 😏😂 Oh, I forgot to include that Seokjin's hometown isn't Chungju but yeah he wants to keep it private so I won't mention it here.
Thank you for reading the Chapter 36 of Only You! Comments and votes juseyo. 💕
I dedicate this chapter to our one and only Golden Maknae, Jungkookie!
생일축하해요 정국이!!! ㅊㅋㅊㅋㅊㅋ 누나 사랑해요!!! 💙💚💛💜❤️