"This feels so weird," I tell Jack as we sit inside my cabin. It was the first day without the kids and for some reason it felt wrong to be out during this time without children everywhere. "I feel like I need to be responsible for something, but there's nothing to be responsible for," I frown as I adjust myself on the bed.
I lay my head in Jack's lap and look up at him, immediately seeing his mouth fall open. "Really?" He raises his eyebrows. "I thought you'd be doing cartwheels because the kids were gone, but now you miss them?"
I look at him from under hooded eyes and shake my head, "what the hell? No! I do not miss them!" I scoff. "I just feel strange and empty without them that's all." I cross my arms and see Jack roll his eyes.
"Oh stupid me!" He says in a mocking tone. "I see I was so incredibly wrong, because that's not at all what happens when you miss someone!"
"It doesn't," I mutter under my breath.
"Whatever you say," Jack laughs, but I don't. Instead of laughing I glare at him.
"Yeah, you better say that or else you'll have no one to make out with, mister!" I warn jokingly, although I know Jack could have any girl he wants. Girls would probably pay Jack to make out with him, but he's made it clear he only wants me, so too bad for them.
And trust me when I say he made it clear! Even though he says it so often for me, (because I'm a bit insecure at times) it doesn't change the fact that he says it and means it. Its just a nice little reminder here and there to relieve a bit of anxiety.
Jack leans down and kisses me. "Well I said it so does that mean we can have a little steamy sesh right now?" He asks and I laugh before bringing his face down to mine.
"I guess we can have a little-"
"Cass!" The door bursts open, causing me to jump and nearly bump heads with Jack. Luckily we both stop before any physical damage is don't to either of us and I move to sit up.
"Oh. Hey," I greet Alyssa as soon as I sit myself up, and yes I said "Alyssa". Ever since we talked on the soccer field she's been more chummy and I don't really mind it. This whole being friends thing felt more right than us being mad at each other honestly, so why keep fighting it? "What's up?"
"Guess what!" She squealed, running over to my bed and sitting down.
Jack and I both scooted back to make some room for her, before I finally asked, "What?" I could feel the uncomfortableness radiate off of Jack, so I reached my hand over to grab his hand. Although Alyssa and I have made up, Jack and her (and everyone else from the group), still hadn't and it was always awkward.
Alyssa grabbed both my hands, one slipping out from my boyfriend's, and her stare pierced my eyes. I was now starting to feel just as uncomfortable as Jack... "Cam asked me to go on a date with him!" She screamed out of excitement.
"Oh my god!" I smiled. "No way!"
"He did! He did!" She jumped in place and thanks to the springs I moved up and down right with her. "It came right out the blue, it was crazy!" She grinned and I tried to match an ounce of her happiness but struggled. She held a far away gaze like Cam asking her out was playing back in her mind, and I felt like I was intruding.
"When was this?" I question awkwardly, trying not to interrupt her moment.
"Just right now while I was in his cabin!" She tells me. "Nash left and Cam came over and sat next to me and asked if I wanted to see a movie with him and of course I assumed it was as friends like usual but then he was like, 'as my date' and I died!" Alyssa threw herself against my blanket and I chuckled. I was happy she was happy and she was clearly very happy. "So we're going tonight," she sighed.
"Tonight?"
"Yeah!" She says, shooting right back up, her smile huge. To her this was a dream come true and I could relate, it's exactly how I felt when I made it official with Jack. Of course going on a date was nothing like actually dating someone and her Cam weren't actually dating yet because it was only their first date so-Just let her be excited! My conscious snapped out and I stopped all my previous thinking. Wow I could really be a total raging bitch sometimes.... "And all this couldn't have happened without you, Cass, thank you!" Alyssa said, pulling me into a hug.
After a second, I hugged back and added a little "no problem" before she let go and squealed, talking about how she needed to go tell Mahogany.
"Why'd she say thank you to you?" Jack asked once Alyssa was gone.
I hadn't told him about what happened after he left on the fourth and didn't really want him to know. Why would I want my boyfriend to know that I was attracted to Cam, a guy who cheated on a girl he considered his sister? And if I didn't tell him about me being attracted to Cam, then what could I really tell him about that night that would make sense? Nothing. So I told him nothing.
"When we first met I was always nagging her about telling Cameron how she felt and she finally did. So she's thanking me for everything now," I lie, guilt finding its way in easily. Maybe I could tell Jack the truth later, but not right now. It didn't feel right to tell him now.
"Oh," he replied, wrapping his arms around me. Jack kissed my cheek and I stared off toward the door.
So does this mean Cam has always liked Alyssa? Are his feelings as strong as hers? How long has he liked Alyssa? Did he use Jackie to get over her? Is Alyssa just the ultimate challenge to him? Will Alyssa take him on the date and still feel the same way after? Maybe she just used him as an excuse to not have to pursue anyone else. Maybe she's playing him.
"Cass?" Jack said in my ear and I was brought back to the Earth. "You alright?"
I turn around in his arms and cup his jaw. "Yeah," I nod. "I'm fine."
"I don't wanna go!" I whine as Jackie starts throwing clothes at me.
"Stop being a party pooper!" She scolds me with her hands on her hips. I'm not in the mood for another party and definitely wasn't in the mood to get dressed for one. Yesterday's party was enough partying for me and I definitely couldn't go a second night in a row of drinking, smoking, and shouting. I was party drained.
"It's too much work!" I cry as I sift through all the clothes now piled on my bed. I had to admit, Jackie's clothes were really cute, but not cute enough to make me wanna jump up and try them all on. I just wanted to lie down in my pajamas with Jack and sleep. Getting up and getting dressed was too much for me.
"Ok. How about this. I pick your clothes out and you just put them on?"
I thought about her offer but noticed something eerily familiar. She sounded exactly like my mother when she tried to get me dressed for family parties when I was younger. Too bad I'm not six years old anymore or else the offer would've been really enticing.
Refusing to be the little kid in this situation, I sit up and shake my head. "No I'll do it," I tell her and she smiles. "But I'm not gonna like it!" I add and she bursts into laughter.
"Of course you're not!" Her laughter dies down. "Why would you?"
My jaw drops and I look back at her. "Hey!" I shout back, crossing my arms. "I am not that difficult!"
"But you do admit you are difficult!" She catches and I glare at her.
"Damn you and you're paying attention!" Jackie laughs again and I pick out a random combination of clothing from the pile that looks like it might have a chance of working together. Jackie looks over my selection and nods approvingly.
"That's cute," she says and sits down on my bed so she could sift through her makeup bag. I mentally congratulate myself for getting her approval on the first try. See, I'm not very good with the whole finding cute outfits thing, so it comes in handy when you have a roommate who lives off of fashion blogs. And it gives you such a great feeling when you get said person's fashion approval on the first try.
"Yess!" I cheer, slamming the clothes onto the bed as if I was a football player who just scored a touchdown. Jackie chuckled looking over at me and began applying her primer.
"You're such a dork," she said to me, staring into her mirror.
"I know," I laugh and Jackie just smiles.
______
"You're an idiot!" Carter yells at Sammy. We were all crowded in the dinning room, shouting about the stupidest stuff. Probably courtesy of the alcohol and weed everyone's had a combination of. Sammy rolls his eyes as he takes a drink. "That's not how it's pronounced!"
"What the fuck there's no other way to pronounce it!" He argues, throwing his hands out and nearly spilling his drink onto his friend Nate.
"Yeah there is!" Carter quips back. "The right way."
"I say it like it's spelled," Sammy shrugs and Carter is evidently pissed off. People under the influence sure do act stupid.
"Haven't you heard it in the commercials? The pronounce it crAy-ola. Accent on the "a" which means you say crAy-on. It's not fucking pronounced like "crayn" that's fucking dumb!"
Sammy just shakes his head in disagreement and I could see this fight going all night. Just last night they were arguing about whether having sex with a guy or not for money was worth it and I tried to remind them that prostitution was in fact illegal but they told me they didn't care about minor stuff like that, so I opted to stay out of this one.
"This is so stupid," I say as I lean my head on Jack's shoulder.
After kissing the top of my head, Jack brings his lips to my ear and begins talking in a low voice. "Wanna find a room upstairs and just hang out, you and me?"
I tune in again to the argument at hand and make my decision when Dillon jumps in and offers a completely different way of saying it, causing Sammy and Carter to join forces. "Yeah, let's go." I say and Jack grabs my hand.
Only a couple people look up when we start to leave, but look away thinking nothing of us leaving. Looks like we won't be missed. Jack pulls me along, towards the staircase, and I pass the time by looking through the crowd of people. There was all kinds of activities our parents wouldn't approve of going on, but I bet little legal stuff like that crossed their minds. Did it ever cross anyone's mind? Is that what made this all the more alluring? That it wasn't approved of? But don't people still do it even when it's legal, showing that this is more than just the thrill of breaking the law? I think-
But I never finished my own thought because my mind was sidetracked. Among the crowd I caught a familiar face that I never expected to see. It was Cameron. What was he doing here? None of his friends were here so what could he be doing? We turned a corner and the image of Cam disappeared from view. Was he really here? I question as we began the ascent upstairs. Or did I just wish he was?
My mental debate continued all the way until we reached an empty room where Jack locked the door. The sound of the lock clicking bringing me back to reality. I turned around in the middle of the room to see him moving towards me, his lip pulled between his teeth. The music blasting throughout the house changed, causing Jack to stop and listen. "I love this song," he said once he was in front of me.
His arms slid around my hips and pulled our bodies together. I listened and heard the song: Take Me Down by Chris Brown. "'Here we are, all alone in this room,'" he sang along and my heart began racing. There was something about how he looked down at me that made my heart throb and pull him closer.
Picking me up by my thighs, Jack lifted me up and threw me onto the bed-an action that was vaguely familiar due to my dreams. But those dreams were sitting in the back of my mind, Jack's hands on my body being my first priority. I sat up on my knees and pulled him down so he was sitting on the bed too. Our lips instantly became attached and I moved to straddle him. My hands ran under his shirt and across his chest, feeling his hot skin under my fingers. After enough torture I tugged at his shirt and we unattached long enough for him to pull it off. I peppered kisses across his chest and his grip on my hips tightened. "Yours-," he breathed heavily, "your clothes take them off."
I obeyed and hastily began ripping off my shorts, but that's all I got off when the need to feel his lips on mine again returned. Once my shorts were somewhere off to the side, he rolled me over so that he was hovering above my body and my back was against the bed. Jack's hands slid up the length of my thighs and I shivered. My action made him smirk and in a matter of seconds he moved to suck on my neck just about my collarbone.
This was happening. I could feel it. Both of us wanted this, wanted each other, and it was undeniable. Every touch, every caress spoke thousands about how much we both needed each other-no it was something more than need and something way more than want. I didn't know what it was exactly, but it fueled us in the moment and I didn't want it to stop.
My eyes fluttered as Jack licked over the spot and I wrapped my legs around his waist. My breathing began picking up and I couldn't help but moan out his name. Jack stopped and looked down at me, but not the way he looked down at me before. This was different. This was off somehow.
"Jack?" I asked, hesitantly. "Are you ok?"
Jack stared down at me with a strange kind of look for a little while longer and then snapped out of some sort of trance he was in. "Yeah," he replied, taking his hands off of me. "I'm ok." He backed away until he hit the wall, and began looking around.
"Are you sure?" I sat up and watched as he picked his shirt off the ground and slipped it on.
"Yes, Cass," he answered when it was on. "I'm good." Jack ran a hand over his face before pulling out his phone and looking down at the time.
"Jack," I began, jumping off the bed. I walked over to him and reached for his hand. "Babe-"
"I have to go," he cut me off before moving towards the door.
"Oh?" I said as he crossed the room and got to the door in a blink of an eye. His hand was already on the door handle when I tried stopping him to ask him to stay, but my words just fell on deaf ears when he left.
What the hell just happened?
I went into this thinking that would be our first time together, but maybe he didn't want that? No he definitely showed signs he did earlier, it was just that something changed in the middle. Was it something about me? Maybe he realized that there was someone better? Who am I kidding there are bunch of other people better than me, especially at this party.
No! Another side argued for me. He could just not be ready and that's a perfectly normal thing! That doesn't mean there anything wrong with me.
Yeah that's right. That's toootally right!
I just wished I believed that...
I took a deep breath to gather myself before dropping to the floor to pick up my pants. Too bad you can't find your dignity, my brain said and I violently shook away the thought. I got myself looking decent and walked out the room, holding my chin high. I know how it looked coming out of here alone after Jack, and I needed to show others that I didn't care what they thought. Or did you just want Jack to see that? My brain asked and I had had enough of her. I made my way to the open bathroom and slammed the door behind me.
As an extra precaution, I locked the door, not wanting to risk someone finding me. I made my way to the sink and looked up to the mirror located directly above it, there were tears rolling down my face and I hadn't even noticed.
I turned on the faucet and splashed water on my skin, wiping away my tears and makeup with the cold water. I swallowed and looked back up, "there nothing wrong with you." I told myself aloud. "It's perfectly natural he didn't wanna be with you and you can't blame him or yourself for any of this."
That's when I began hearing yelling out the window, distracting me from my pep talk. I rolled my eyes at the fight and looked at myself in the mirror. "What am I doing? This is useless," I shook my head and walked out the bathroom.
As I made my way down the stairs I couldn't help but notice how it got quieter. The music being the only really loud sound anymore. Is the party over? Had we really been up there that long? I wondered. Did I even have a ride back to camp anymore?
I turned the corner to the living room and saw everyone crowded by the front door-more people outside. Curious, I made my way towards the from door, the voices from outside growing as I got closer. It was the two people fighting I had heard from upstairs.
Standing a few feet behind the outside circle by the door, I listened. And as I listened, it felt like I was being slapped over and over again by the world. Was this some kind of cruel joke? I pushed my way through the crowd and past the door; a few people muttering or cursing at me for pushing them out of the way, but I didn't care. I needed to be outside.
After battling all the way to the front of the crowd, my view finally matched what I heard. Jack and Cam at each other's throats.
___________
So so sorry this was a day late. It was near impossible to update yesterday 😐