Walking back through the doors of my school, I felt like the world was right again. Whenever I walk into this place it's like something magical washes over me. It's like every thing; every trouble, every bad thought, every single thing that is bad in my life or every thing that is going wrong in my life is going to be okay. I felt more at home here than I did at my actual home. That home hadn't felt like home in a while. I don't think it will every truly feel like home. So much has happened. So much has changed. Too many things went wrong and too many things went right. I'm not the same person anymore.
The only thing that has remained constant in my life was this school. Every big moment in my life circled around this school. This school has been the turning point in my life. This school was the big plot twist in my story. Everything changed the moment I stepped through those grand doors. Everything went haywire when I got accepted into this prestigiously dangerous school. This exclusive haven. Everything in my life went completely wrong when I started going to this school, yet every time I walk into these elegant hallways everything feels right. I can be completely broken on the inside, like I am now, and come back and feel whole again.
I just wanted to put back on my uniform and go to Cov' Ops' with Mr. Solomon and feel okay with like. I wanted to pick a book out from the library and read it with a flashlight in one of the secret chambers. I wanted to be told how awful my posture was by Madame Dabney. I wanted it to be 7 a.m. and the school be filled with chatting girls heading to breakfast. I wanted to feel like everything was okay. I wanted the only thing I had to worry about was passing my senior finals and graduating. I wanted to have that satisfied feeling of passing every level of Cov' Ops'. I wanted to go into town and have coffee with my friends while studying up on who really killed JFK and why. I just wanted everything to go back to normal. Being here, being back at school, made me feel like it would. Even though deep down I knew nothing would ever be normal, or "okay", again. The school gave me false hope, something that can be really good, or incredibly dangerous.
I hadn't stepped foot in my house since before I "disappeared". I don't remember what it looked like anymore. I don't even think I'd be able to recognize it if I did go home. The last time I was home I didn't know where my dad was. The last time I was home I didn't even fully understand what the circle was. The last time I was home I hadn't gone through a period of complete memory loss. The last time I was home I was dating "Evan". The last time I was home Tyler was a wanted man. The last time I was home I hadn't almost committed suicide. Something I still think about.
Sometimes I think it would've been easier if I had just jumped. I feel like the circle would have to take time and rethink their entire plan because they had just lost their most important playing piece. I feel like that would've made them not want to take the king. At least it might've given my friends enough time to save him. Maybe the President would've been shot and Reed would still have a father... I still need to tell him about that.
I know that jumping wouldn't have solved anything, but sometimes I think what if. I mean they wouldn't have needed to kill Reed's dad if he wasn't going to tell me anything. He could've stayed alive. They didn't have to kill him period. They could've tranquilized him and taken him somewhere. They didn't have to murder him. They didn't have to shoot him right in front of me. They didn't have to make me run around the entire prison freaking out that they were going to kill me too. They didn't need to make me have to hold those people hostage. They didn't make me have a mental breakdown.
I've had a lot of those recently. I have been feeling a lot of tings recently. I also think about what would've happened if I had just stayed. What if I just stayed with the circle. A lot of those same problems could've been avoided. I could've convinced Mr. Greyson to not take the King. That there could've been another way. That this was not the right move. I could've also prevented Reed's dad from getting shot, and I also could've prevented Reed from getting arrested in the first place. If I would've stayed a lot of people would still have their lives. If I would've stayed I wouldn't have almost killed myself. I wouldn't have gone through that period of depression, that depression that I'm still struggling with.
Staying... staying could've solved a lot of things, but I'm almost certain that it wasn't the solution. I know it wasn't the solution. I can't go back in time and fix everything. I still can't fix everything. No matter how hard I try it seems like nothing I do will ever change anything. I am the major problem actually. I am part of the reason behind everything. I'm stuck in the middle of a freaking war and I can't do anything about it. I can't fix any of it. I can't stop any of it. I can't help anyone. It seems like the more I try to help the more everything gets screwed up. I seem to be making everything worse.
Going back to them now won't change anything. Going back to them will make nothing better. Going back to them now in their time of chaos wont make anything better. It might, in fact, make everything worse. I am making everything worse.
I can't do this. I can't make everything right. I can't go back in time and make everything right. I am the cause of everything bad that is going on right now. I am a key part of their plan. I can stop everything. I can make everything right again. I just don't know how. I do something thinking it's the right thing and then 5 times more bad stuff happens. I go after my dad to try to find him. I end up working for the circle. I leave the circle. My memory gets wiped clean. I try to regain my memories, everything there falls apart. I try to find people on the list. The circle kills them off one by one. I try to save Reed from his dad. Reed ends up getting arrested and placed in a maximum security prison. Reed's dad tries to contact me. Reed's dad get's shot in the head. We rescue Reed. I have to prostitute myself out and an innocent guy gets hurt. We try to save the king. The King is taken. Finally we think we're going to get all the answers from Mr. Greyson, but we just ended up with a million more questions. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to fix any of this. My friends are all slowly falling apart because of this. I'm slowly falling apart because of this. My whole entire world is slowly falling apart. All I'm trying to do... all I've been trying to do for months is to pick up the pieces. I'm trying to prevent the inevitable. My world, my friends, I am going to fall apart.
"Ela..." I heard a soft voice say snapping me out of my thoughts. I turned away from the window. I saw Alex standing there. "You've been sitting there for hours. It's almost 5 p.m. you need to eat something." He said concerned.
"You're already sounding like my husband." I said with a small smile.
"I gotta get in my practice, you know? Gotta make sure I'm perfect before it actually happens." He said with a light laugh. He walked over to me and pulled me into him. "Whatcha thinking about so hard my love?" He asked rubbing my shoulder.
"Things. Everything." I said slowly.
"Everything like what?" He asked.
"Life. How everything is falling apart and I can't do anything about it. I'm just so aggravated with myself that I can't stop any of this. There is nothing I can do. I'm part of the problem. How can I solve the problem if I'm the problem?" I said angrily.
"You are not the problem. You are doing everything that you can. Some of the problems that you are trying so hard to fix are unfixable. Focus on the things you can stop. And you need to let others help you. I know you like doing things on your own. I know you don't like bringing people into your problems, but this... this is all of our problems. This involves every last one of us. We can help you and you need us. Don't take all of this onto yourself baby. Let us help you." He said forcing me to look at him.
"I know... I know. I have to go check up on things. I'll talk to you later." I said before kissing his cheek and getting up.
"Get something to eat. Don't make me have to force you." He said sternly.
"Yes, I will I promise." I said before rushing off. I need to go find Reed. I need to tell him about his dad. I walked to the room he was supposed to be staying in. It's the only single room. I knocked on the door and he answered.
"Ela?" He said pausing his music in the background.
"We need to talk." I said walking into his room.
"Alright." He said confused and closing the door behind us.
"You may want to sit down for this. I know I do." I said sitting on his bed. He nodded and sat down next to me.
"I don't know how to say this so I guess I should start from the beginning. You dad summoned me to come and see him a while back. He said he had something to tell me. Something important. I saw you before I saw him. You remember when I came to visit you. Well after I saw you I went to talk to him. He was going to tell me something, some information that I really needed. Information we all needed. First he apologized. He apologized for giving the circle my location that summer. He said he didn't know what their plan was and they had promised not to hurt me. Then he made me promise to take care of you. He knew I was gonna get you out of there and he wanted to make sure that you'd be happy and protected when you were freed. He told me about world war 3. He told me about how they were using Bri. Then he told me to tell you that he loved you and that he was so sorry for everything he put you through. He loved you so much Reed. So much. So he was about to leave when a group of me came in and shot him. Once through the head, right in front of me. I wanted to tell you sooner but..." I started before he cut me off.
"I'm glad you didn't tell me sooner. You knew that I would've been too emotionally distraught to make the escape. You did the right thing keeping this from me... Thank you." He said as tears welled up in his eyes.
"Reed. I am so sorry. I made a promise that I would protect him and I failed you. I broke my promise and I am so sorry for that." I said grabbing his hand. He squeezed mine in return.
"There was nothing you could've done. There was a protective piece of glass between him and you. You couldn't have saved him. I knew you would've if you could've. I don't blame you Ela. I could never blame you. You've done so much for me. So much." He said as tears rolled down his face. I hugged him and he cried into my shoulder. I let him cry for what seemed like hours, but I knew it had only been minutes.
"Ela, I'd like to be alone for a little while if you don't mind." He said pulling out of my hug. I nodded.
"If you need anything you know I'm here. If you don't want me, then you know Jess would do absolutely anything for you." I said standing up.
"I know. Thank you." He said before I walked out of the door. I felt awful. It seems like everything is just getting worse and worse as the moments go on. I was walking through the hallways when I felt someone grab my arm. I turned to see Tyler.
"I was just talking to my father when he mentioned the Princess again. So I decided to check in on her, but she's not there. She's not there and no one can find her. Apparently her other roommates haven't seen her in hours. We don't know where she is, but we found this in the library." He said handing me the piece of paper.
Breaking News
King of Caspia killed in terrorist bombing at a prestigious banquet
"She knows. Or she thinks she knows. She thinks her dad is dead. Her whole world has just crashed around her. Oh my God." I said stopping.
"Where could she be? I don't think she would just get up and run away." Tyler said shaking his head.
"No. She just needed to get away. She needed to clear her head, to think." I said thinking myself. Where did I go when I thought my dad was dead? I know where she is. "I know where she is." I said beginning to run.
"Let me come with you." Tyler said chasing me.
"No! She knows me. She doesn't know you. She knows me. You're going to make her clam up. She needs to be relaxed. If we're not back in an hour then send someone." I said not stopping, but he did. I ran as fast as I can. I ran through the school, out the school and into town. I finally found her by the fountain where I thought she'd be. It's quiet and a nice place to just think.
"Leila." I said softly. She looked up at me and I saw her tear streaked face.
"He's dead Ela." She said crying.
"Oh sweetie." I said walking up to here and bringing her into me. "There's so much you need to know but so much I can't tell you. I can tell you that you're dad isn't dead. I know that for sure." I said nodding. She looked up at me.
"Really? Then what happened? Where is he?" She asked wiping away the tears.
"The circle has him. I don't know where they are keeping him, but that's what I'm trying to find out. I know they have him and I know he's alive and I'm doing everything in my power to bring him back. I promise." I said looking at her.
"So what am I supposed to do until then? Just wait for you guys to find my dad? Sit here and do nothing. I can't do that. I can't wait for you guys to find him. I have to do something. I have to." She said panicking.
"Listen... listen. I know how you feel. I felt the same way as you do not to long ago. I remember when the circle captured my dad. I couldn't stand everyone telling me not to do anything about it, that they were handling it. I couldn't imagine them doing anything to save my dad. I started doing everything I could to save him. I started doing research then I went to the extremes of actually going after them. Believe me, that is not what you want to do. It's a mistake. I did it. I went after them. I am still reaping the consequences of my actions. I should've let the professionals do their jobs. I should've let the trained agents find him. I should've trusted them enough to let them handle it, but I didn't. So please, please Leila trust me to handle this. Help me help your dad. Learn from my mistakes. Learn from me and let me handle this. I promise I will get your dad back to you safe and sound. I can do this because I have the connections to do so. I can bring your dad back to you, but you have to promise me that you wont get involved at all. I need you to stay out of this. I need you to go back to school and learn. I need you to appreciate our school while you can. Enjoy your youth, enjoy your innocence while you can and let me take care of this. I wish I could go back and relive it." I finished holding onto her shoulders.
"Okay." She said nodding slowly. I don't know if she'd listen to me but I prayed she would. I would give anything to be able to start fresh again. To change the mistakes of my past. She has her whole life to look forward to. I don't want her to end up where I am now.
"Let's go home." I said throwing an arm around her.
"Not so fast." I head a voice say I turned around to see a gun pointed at us.