Chapter 5
From the moment I walked into the bathroom til now has been a total blur. I'm now sat in the hospital corridor waiting for some kind of news on my mum. If I hadn't been there when I did then she would have been dead.
Still I didn't know if she would be okay or not. All I knew was that she had tried to Kill herself again.
2 hours I have been sitting here, it was past midnight now, the hospital was pretty empty, and I felt even more alone than normal as I paced the corridor.
"Kimberley Walsh" I turn around as I hear my name being called. A young male doctor walking towards me.
"is she okay?" I ask, preparing myself for the worst. I think the look on his face answered my question, but I keep looking at him, waiting to hear.
"I'm afraid it isn't good news" He says and I instantly think she's dead. I don't know why but I don't cry, I don't even know what to think. I couldn't tell you what was going through my mind.
"She is awake" He carries on and even that doesn't cause any emotion within me. "but her body is shutting down. Her organs aren't functioning properly and there isn't anything else we can do"
I just stare ahead as I take in what he is saying. I'm surprised she has lasted this long to be honest. The amout of alochol she has assumed, the amout of tablets, her body has given up on her.
"I am sorry Kimberley, She is asking for you, so go through whenever you are ready" He says, and he offers me a look of sympathy
When I enter her room, she turns her head slowly to look at me, like she has done so many times.
"Why?" I ask, Its all I want to know. I want to know why she had to do it again. Why she had to put me through this. Why she couldn''t let me have the childhood I deserved. That everyone deserves.
She doesn't answer my question though, she answers with a sentence I have heard so many times.
"I know I haven't been the best mother this past year"
Its something she says everytime she ends up in hospital or in that 5 mins when she wakes up when she is hungover and nor drunk. I've heard it too often that I could have told her that myself.
"I'd like to say I tried to be but I know I didn't. I let myself down as a mother and I will never
forgive myself for letting you down" She says her voice quiet, it didn't sound
like my mum, even when she was drunk and out her face, she wasn't ever like
this.
"You could have changed" I said eventually.
"I can't see myself out of this mess, I can't ever see myself being happy again,
I've done too much damage. I woke up this morning and got a call from you're
school and she informed me about the fight at school. I had no idea you have
been going through so much stuff at school, I mean look at you, I should have
noticed the state you are in, I should have been there to comfort you and..."
"And it still wasn't enough. You no know what I have been going through, you now
know that I got beat up again, you knew and yet you still went ahead. You say
you haven't been there for me, that could have been you're chance" I say my
voice raised. I was angry. Angry that she was putting me through this again. I
didn't even feel anything when I saw tears start to stream down her face.
Normally I would go and comfort her, no matter how angry I was with her, I was
always determined to be there for her.
"I stayed sober today for the first time in I don't remember when" She starts
and she waits til I turn around and look at her again.
"I woke up sober and when the school phoned, I felt a pain in my heart when I
realised what you've been going through, what I have put you through, I got off
the phone and went to get a drink and I was mad, so mad and I poured my drink
away. I was determined to sort myself out, I waited for you to come home after
school and. The time ticked by and I was starting to fall back into my normal
train of thought and when you hadn't come home at 7, I thought you know what she
is better off without me. My head was going crazy and I just couldn't carry on"
she sobbed and that's when I let the tears fall. She was basically telling me
that if I had come home from school like I did every other day, I would have
gotten her sober, I would have been able to try and talk to her properly, she
might not be here with only hours to live.
"Its my fault!" I whisper, barley loud enough but she heard me.
"No Kimberley. This is not you're fault, none of this is your fault. I am so
proud of you for the way you have been here for me through all of this mess. I'm
just sorry I'm not as strong as you are. I wish I was Kimberley I really wish I
was..." She says bringing her hand up to wipe away her tears, it looked like it
was too much effort for her to even do that.
"You're leaving me alone in this world mum, I don't have anyone left now. How
can you be selfish, haven't you once thought to yourself through all the times
you have tried to kill yourself 'oh I can't do this, kimberley will be alone'
have you ever once stopped to consider me" I sobbed, not even bothering to wipe
away my tears.
"At the time No!" She tells me straight "when I've tried before, the thoughts in
my head makes me go crazy, I didn't think about anyone else but myself. I hate
the person I have become, I hate that I wasn't strong enough to stand up to the
bullies, I hate that I didn't fight hard enough to pull myself together...I
just..." She stops as she starts sobbing hard and I can't take it any more, I
can't handle it.
I get up and go to leave the room, I can hear her call my name as my hand
touches the door handle.
"Please come back" she says and I shake my head as I walk out the door.
I run down the quiet corridor and head straight for the exit. I bump into a
nurse on my way but I don't stop to apoligise I just keep running.
The fresh air hits me and I release a huge breath that I wasn't even aware I was
holding. I sit down against the wall and cry.
This wasn't how my life was supposed to be. I didn't know how I was supposed to
deal with this. I take my phone from my pocket and send Cheryl a message letting
her know I won't be needing picked up for school that I was at the hospital with
my mum.
I know I have gotten to know Cheryl over the last few days but I wish I had known her longer. It felt wrong to phone and tell her that I needed her. I didn't want to be selfish and make her feel like she had to come.
Once I've sent the message I just stare at the screensaver I have. I haven't
changed it in over a year. It was the last picture as a family. We were all so
happy. Looking at it only makes me feel worse and I drop the phone and continue
to cry.
I don't know how long I sat there but it was light now and the hospital was a
lot busier but I payed no attention to any of the people passing and they didn't pay attention to me.
I could hear my phone ringing on the ground beside me but I ignored it.
The next thing I knew I could hear my name being called and when I used all the
strength I had I looked up to see a worried Cheryl in front of me.
"Kimberley?" She said, her hands gripping my arm tightly. I had stopped crying
ages ago but seeing her and the worry on her face made me cry again and she
pulled me into her arms and it felt so good having someone to hold me.
Some much needed comfort.
"What happened?" She asked after a while.
"She's dying"
"Your mam?" Her eyes are wide with shock, Confusion.
"I found her in the bathroom when I got home last night and I....She's dying
Cheryl, there is nothing they can do for her" I sob as I try to wipe my tears. I
don't want to cry I want to stay strong.
"Oh my god, babe you should have phoned me last night" she says "I would have
came straight here"
"Why aren't you with your mam?" she asks me and I drop my head into my hands and
shake it slightly.
"I've been out her for hours, I just couldn't take any more of what she was
saying to me, all the sorry's don't mean anything, she's leaving me alone, I
don't have anyone left.."
She takes me into her arms again before I even have the chance to finish my
sentence and holds me close once again.
"You will have me, I'll be here for you Kimberley, I'll help you through this"
she whispers into my ear.
I want to ask her why. Why does she care so much? We've only known each other a
few days. I'd have thought she'd turn and run the opposite direction. She's only
young, she shouldn't have to be dealing with me and my problems. I want to ask
her so much but nothing comes out my mouth and even if she did answer my
question I don't think I'd even pay attention fully.
"Why don't we go in, you should be with your mam" she tells me softly and when I
look at her I can tell that she was a bit apprehnsive about wether she should
have said that or not.
"I know its hard and I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling but I
think if you don't be with your mam right now you will regret it"
"I don't know what to say to her"
"You don't have to say anything to her" She says pulling away from me. "You just need to be there for her.."
"She hasn't been there for me"
"And that's what seperates who you both are Kimberley, I know we have only known each other a short time, but I already know that you are the nicest person I have ever met. I know I haven't even met you're mam and I only what you have told me, but I bet before all this happened she was a good mum, she must have been to have raised such an amazing daughter"
I take in her words and she is right. Before mum was bullied, before my family died, my mum was the best mum, she was always there for me, she would have walked to the end of the earth for me.
"She was!"
"Why don't we go in?" She holds her hand out to me and I take it and she helps me to my feet.
We walk in together, and I feel a little bit stronger having Cheryl beside me, I'm glad she came.
"I'll be right here if you need anything" She says giving me a hug as we get to my mum's room. I take a deep breath before nodding and letting go of her hand and stepping inside her room.
She turns to look at me and smiles sadly at me. "Hi Love"
Them two words set the tears off again. Its been so long since I have heard her say them.
"I'm sorry" I tell her and she shakes her, but it looks as though it was alot of effort for her as she winces in pain.
"Don't be sorry! You have nothing to be sorry for" She looks worse this morning but her voice isn't as quiet as it was last night.
I move over to the chair beside her and sit down.
"You were a good mum you know" I tell her and she looks away from me. "I wasn't this past year though and to me that hurts more" she says to me and I blink away the tears, hoping they would stop.
"but you still were, you might not have been for that 1 year and as much as it hurts, I still have 16 year worth of amazing memorys" I tell her and its the truth, I could go on and on about the memorys we had together, I can't let that one year overshadow the bad.
"I am very proud of you, you know, You shouldn't have had to gone through this.."
"I know but that's life"
"Kimberley, I know you won't understand why I did this, but I need you to believe that it isn't you're fault, I realaly wish i was as strong as you, I wish I was able to fight back" She sighs but I don't answer her, I don't know what to say. She's right, I don't understand it, She could have fought it, she could have gotten help, she didn't have to end her life.
I look behind me and I see Cheryl at the window, she isn't looking but she eventually turns around and gives me a small smile.
"Is that you're friend?" My mum asks breaking me from my thoughts as I turn away from cheryl.
"Yes. That's Cheryl"
"How long have you been friends?"
"Not very long, she only just moved here from Newcastle."
It felt weird just talking to her normally, but it also felt good, it made me sad everytime I think about not having the chance to talk to her again. It made me sad to think that even though we haven't propely spoke in a year, Even if I wanted to I won't be able to.
"Have you ate?" She says taking me from my thoughts.
"No"
"You should go eat, it isn't good for you"
"I do love you mum you know that don't you?" I say ignoring her comment. I needed her to know.
"Of course i know that, I love you too" She says, I can see her eyes fill with tears, but I can't bring myself to get up and give her a hug, I'm still angry at the situation.
"Go get something to eat love"
I decide to listen to her this time, knowing that if I sit any longer with her crying, I will end up in tears again.
I get up and get outside, Cheryl giving me a hug again.
We don't talk til we get to the canteen and Cheryl goes and orders us some food.
"Thank you" I tell her after 5 minutes of silence.
"For what?" She asks looking up from her plate.
"For being here" I say simply. She has came here and she hasn't been fussing over me, hasn't been in my face asking me a doezen questions. She is just here.
"anytime, I still wish you would have phoned me last night though"
" I just didn't want to bother you, you have done enough for me already" I laugh, She has been here for me more than anyone has this whole year.
"I'm gonna tell you now that you aren't bothering me, so from now onwards if you want anything phone me. I will be there as soon as I can, even if you just want to talk, I'll listen, or if you just want some company, I will sit there and be quiet, I will help you always Kimberley and I mean that from the bottom of my heart" She tells me, taking hold of my hand and giving it a tight squeeze.
"Thank you" I tell her again and she smiles and shakes her head.
I know that whatever is going to come next, whatever is going to happen, I should get through it If I have Cheryl, she makes me feel calm.
"come on why don't we go for a walk before we go back to you're mam?" She says and I nod as I lift my cup of coffee.
"we will get through this" She says wrapping her arms around me.
I hope she's right.