Chapter 4
'She what?" Cheryl asks eventually.
"I'm not going to say it again" I tell her. It was hard enough telling her once.
She goes to say something but stops herself.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything. I should Go." I say standing up quickly and Cheryl is right up after me.
"No Kimberley stay! I'm glad you told me, I'm sorry I was just a bit shocked, I never expected you to come out with that" She says and then her eyes widen once more as she brings her hand up to her forehead.
"Oh my god! That's why you got upset with what I sai... Oh god I'm sorry Kimberley" she says, as she pieces it together.
"You were right though weren't you" I tell her and she shakes her head, coming over and standing in front of me.
"No! I wasn't. I have Father issues" she says letting out a nervous laugh. "I was just letting my anger out, I know that everyone's story is different and I know its not easy for some and from what I already know about you're life, you're mam's had it pretty rough"
'But she's selfish" I say admitting it out loud for the first time. She is selfish and I know she has had it pretty rough, Bullying is a horrible thing to go through and it obviously hit her pretty hard and then she lost the love of her life, 3 of her children. But she stopped Caring about me, she hasn't stopped to think about how I'm coping, after all I lost my dad, my brother and sisters.
"She just needs help" Cheryls says as she edges me back to the sofa and taking a seat beside me once she's sure I'm not going to leave.
"She doesn't want help. She doesn't want to be here, I've come to accept that but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. She might have stopped caring, but I won't ever stop caring about her" I tell her truthfully. My mum is all I have left in this world and I can't allow myself to give up on her, even if she doesn't want my help. I will carry on trying my best to help her.
Cheryl is just about to say something when her door goes, we both look over and Cheryl stands up.
"Its probably the pizza" she smiles as she heads off to answer the door, giving me enough time to try and pull myself together. I don't want to start crying and land all my troubles on her, that isn't fair.
"Pizza" she smiles as she comes back with a large box. I smile back at her as she sits down.
"Thank goodness I am starving"
We eat the pizza and we change the subject, I think Cheryl could tell I didn't want to go into my life anymore. I was glad when she decided to talk about music instead.
"So who's you're favourite artist then?" She asks as she takes a big bite out of her pizza. That was an easy question.
"Beyonce"
"Oh my god, she is amazing, I love her too" she says, her mouth full but I understood what she said. Only just.
"I know, she is so talented."
"Who is yours?" I ask her and she waits til she has swallowed the last of her pizza before answering.
"I don't know really, I love beyonce, but I like listening to a lot of older music, like old RnB, you know like Aretha Franklin, Erika Badu" she says "I love music, all kinda of music, I don't really like saying I only like this kinda of music or that's not my type, I think by saying that you can miss out on a lot of good music" she finishes and I nod my agreement. Its so true.
"I love musicals" I tell her and she puts the empty pizza box onto the floor and sits back and gives me her full attention again. It seems that whenever you talk to her she listens to every single word. Even if she is intersted or not, she still listens.
"What is you're favourite musical?" She asks me.
"Les Miserable"
"I seen that once, Cried me eyes out" she laughed.
"So did I, but its still my favourite. I dream of playing the lead part in it someday" I tell her and she raises her eyebrows and smiles.
"Is that what you wanna do when you leave school?"
"Yeah" I smile, I don't think the smile had left my face at all over the past couple of hours.
-
By the end of the night I found out so much about her, I literally felt like I had known her my whole life. I knew what she liked, what she didn't like, to her fave film, to cartoon. Everything. Well maybe not everything but it felt like everything. I love how we have both hit it off, especially since I've been anti-social for the past year, it felt good to be in someone's company, someone my age, someone who didn't judge me and I was able to be myself. I think I had laughed more tonight than I had in the whole year.
"I really should get going" I smile sadly.
"You can stay here if you like" She says looking at the time. It had just gone midnight.
"I really should go, I need to make sure my mum is okay" I tell her and it felt good not having to lie to her, make up some stupid, over used excuse that I always gave, the same excuse that no one ever questioned, maybe they just didn't care.
In all honesty I could have stayed there forever, I didn't want to go home but I knew I had to.
"Okay, let me drive you" She says as she stands up and lifts her hoody.
"Cheryl I will get a taxi, You don't have to" I tell her, Not wanting to have her drive me home, only to come all the way back, it would be about 1am the time she got home to her bed. She shook her head though while she lifted her shoes and put them back on.
"I'm driving you, You can sit and argue all you want but in the end I'd still be driving you home, so it'd be a waste of time"
Damn she's good.
"are you sure, it wouldnt be any hassle getting a taxi" I tried but she was still having none of it as she picked up her car keys.
"Okay fine" I said as I stood up and winced a little bit., I had sat that long that my body had tensed up, especially where I had been hurt in yesterdays fight.
"You alright?" She asks me as she turns around quickly, coming over to me.
"Yeah, fine, just sat a bit too long I think" I laugh, trying to brush it off, not wanting to act like a drama queen.
She accepts my answer and we head out to her car, running into it quickly as the rain pours down.
I thank her once again as we pull up outside my home, thank her for everything, for listening to me, she shakes her head not wanting to hear it, but I carry on regardless.
"Go to bed Kimberley I will see you tomorrow morning" She smiles, totally ignoring my babbling.
"Okay, Thanks" I say again and she just laughs as I climb out the car, she waves as she reverses out my drive and heads away. Once Again I look forward to the morning.
---
"You know we should just skip school today, go have some fun" Cheryl says as soon as I sit down in her car, Ive only just woken up and it takes me a few seconds to register what she has said. I think I'm still half asleep.
"what?" I say, Looking at her as though she had gone crazy.
"What is one day going to do eh?, I reckon you need it"
"We have 2 months til the exams, I have already missed enough days, I think I should make the most of it" I tell her, not really keen on the idea.
"Come on Kimberley, I think a day having some fun, take you're mind off everything, just be a normal teenager, loosen up a little bit, it will you do some good, clear you're mind"
I took in her words and I knew she was right, I did need to loosen up, I did need to have some fun, but i also wasn't so keen on skipping school.
She didn't push the matter anymore when she realised I wasn't so keen on it. I didn't have to answer her, She knew.
She started the engine and we drove off to school, Making small talk.It was too early in the morning, I never was a morning person, The last few days I seemed to be feeling a bit more awake, but I think thats more down to Cheryl than anything, Normally I'm just drained and have nothing to look forward to, But its nice waking up and knowing I can go and talk to someone.
She on the other hand looked like she was a total morning person as she sung along to the radio.
We pulled into the car park in the school and she lifted her bag and got out but she stopped as she went to close her door when she realised I hadn't moved.
"Kimberley you coming? we're here" she laughs and I turn around.
"I don't want to go"
She looks at me blankly for a few seconds and then I think it hits her. I think she realises what I meant,
"You wanna go do something fun?" She asks and I can see her face come over with excitement.
"Yeah" I said.
Somewhere between leaving my house and getting here, I had decided i did want to do it. I wanted to behave like a teenager, even if it meant skipping some classes when really I should be studying hard.
"Are you sure? I don't want you to feel like you have to do it, It was only a suggestion, I just think you could be doing with some fun" She says sweetly.
"You aren't, I want to, and you are right, I do need some fun, so get back in the car before I get all sensible again and change my mind" I laugh and she climbs back into the car and throws her bag into the backseat.
"So where do you want to go?" She asks me and I have no idea, It's been so long since I have done anything fun. So long since I have done something that I used to enjoy. That long I don't really know what I like anymore.
"Okay so we need to do something that you can do with a sprained wrist and 3 fractured ribs" She laughs as she points to me. Apart from the pain in my ribs, I kept forgetting that I looked like I had gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson.
"Why don't we just drive and we can think of something?" I suggest, more so, so that we can get away from the school than anything else.
"How about...." Cheryl says for the tenth time, and just leaving it sitting there, she hadn't a clue. "I think I'm lacking in the fun area as well" She jokes.
"Oh My God....A Zoo" She says, her voice high pitched, showing how excited she is. I think we just found something to do.
"You like animals I take it?"
"Oh my god I love animals, Can we go in there?" She asks and I think my smile said it all. I don't think it would have been possible for me to say no, even if I wanted to.
"Yeah sure, I love animals too and I haven't been to a zoo in forever" I tell her and I can't help but laugh at her excitment. Its already turning out to be a good day and it's only 9.30am
....
"That was so much fun" I say as we leave the Zoo and head back to the car. The day turned out to be gorgeous. The sun was shining and it was roasting hot, which is weird considering how horrible it was last night. I never will understand brittish weather.
"I know" She said as she linked her arm with mine as we ate our ice cream.
"I'm so glad you asked me to skip school now"
"Me too, and it's only one day, we will work extra hard when we go back tomorrow" She says and I nod.
"I'm only wanting to pass them just so I have them, As long as I pass Dance that's my pain priority" she continues as we take a seat on a wall by the carpark.
"Same here, I only need to pass Music and Drama, but I want to pass everything else, Just in case things don't work out, Or I change my mind and stuf" I said, my mind drifting back to the conversation with Mrs Lavery.
"What do you want to do?"
"I have been offered a place at a musical and performing arts school, I want to be a preformer, actor, singer, I just love performing" I smile.
"That is awesome, have you accepted?"
"No!" I sigh, I wish things in life were simple.
"Why not?"
"My mum" I said simply. I didn't need to say anymore, She knew my circumstances now and probably knew why I didn't want to go.
"You should go" She said after a few minutes. She spoke quietly as if she wasn;t sure she should say so, she carried on speaking when I didn't reply.
"Don't let anyone stop you, This is you're chance to make something of you're life" She says sounding exactly like Mrs Lavery.
"I know, I just wish it was that simple" I Smile sadly before standing up. "Now come on, I don't want to spoil the fun, lets go find something else to do" I said and held my hand out to help her to her feet.
"Okay, now what to do?" She says as she unlocks the car and we get in. I watch in amazement as she hits a button and her roof comes down.
"wow" I tell her and she starts laughing at the look on my face. I want this car.
"How about we drive to the beach? Make the most of the nice weather" Cheryl asks and I instantly like the idea. The beach is one of my favourite places to be.
"Yes, I'd love that, but isn't it a bit far?" I ask, Not wanting to drive for too long.
"Its only about an hour, and I don't mind, I love driving"
"Well stop in at a shop and I will grab us some drinks and sandwhiches" I tell her, If she is going to be using her petrol, I wanted to help out a bit.
Once we have got a bag full of drinks, crisps, chocholate, sandwiches, we are all ready to go. The beach should have taken an hour but thanks to Cheryls inabilty to stick with the speed limit we had got here 15 mins faster.
We ended up just walking the length of the beach and back, occasionally braving it and running into the sea. Even though it was so hot the sea was bloody freezing.
We both ended up sitting on the beach watching as the sun came down. Watching the tide come in. The sea air blowing in our faces.
"I love the sea" I say, beaking the comfortable silence we had been sat in. The beach was now practically deserted.
"Me too" She says, her eyes still looking out towards it.
"Its like looking out at it, looking at how big it is, it makes you forget you're problems, Like they don't matter anymore"
"Back in Newcastle, I would always find myself at a beach, It's one place I can come and clear my mind, I feel good here, I feel free" She sighs, its sometimes easy to forget that other people have problems as well, I get so caught up in my own mess that I often forget that other people may be going through things.
"Don't you ever just wish you could just pack up and leave, go somewhere hot and never look back" I asked. Although it was more a statement of how I felt rather than a question.
"All the time" She says almost immediatley. "Where would you go if you could?"
"I don't know, Austraila, LA. So many places really, what about you?" I ask her and she squints her eyes trying to think.
"Probably LA, but again anywhere where there is a beach and some sun" She laughs.
"we should come here more often" She smiles as she tears her eyes away from the sea and looks to me.
"Yeah I'd like that" I answer her.
We sit there for another hour or two and its completley dark now, we can't really see anything now, except some lights from way across the sea on another island.
"We should go back" She says and I nod, It was moments like this that I wanted to last forever.
Cheryl drove slowly on the way back, she wasn't in any hurry and neither was I.
As slow as she was, we still ended up oustide my house. sooner than I would have liked. A part of me wanted to invite her in, but I couldnt. She might know about my mum but that didn't mean I wanted to see her in the state that I had no doubt she would be in.
"Thanks for today Cheryl, I had a really good time" I told her and I did, I really did. For the first time in a whole year I was able to go almost a full day without thinking about my life, my problems.
"No bother, we should do it more often"
"Yeah we should" I agree as I lean over and give her a quick hug. "Goodnight" I tell her.
"Night babe, See you in the morning"
--
Walking into my house I feel more down that usual. Being out and having fun, being normal for the day made me miss the life I used to have.
The house was in darkness so I had no doubt that my mum would probably already be asleep or was out, I'd say more the first option of the two.
I went through to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water before heading into the living room. I flicked on the light and sat down on the sofa, My mum must have gone out because the house is spotless. Which is weird because it never normally is, and I can't imagine my mum doing it.
I put on the TV and put on a random channel. The tv wasn't very good.
I finish off my glass of water and I need the toilet but I can't be bothered to get up and go. It seems like such a hassle. I decided to try hold it a bit longer.
I wait ten minutes before I give in and have to go, I decide to just go to bed, save me coming back down again. I turn all the lights off and head upstairs. It feels good just doing nothing, its a massive change from coming home and having to work, study, clean. Look after my mum.
I dump my bag in the hall and turn the light to the bathroom and when I open my door, My heart stops.
My mum is sat against the bath, a bottle of vodka beside her and there is blood on the floor and over her arms.