The following day Paul led a weary Michelle into the house. He closed the door and she heaved a sigh of relief.
"It's good to be home." She whispered, as he kissed her softly on the lips.
Carrying her bag, he headed for the kitchen.
"Michelle." Rose greeted her with a hug and a kiss on her cheek. "I'm so sorry...."
"Don't Rose, please....I'll end up crying again."
"Cup of tea then?"
"Please."
Michelle sat down at the table and looked around the familiar room. "It seems like ages since I was in here." She commented softly.
"Well, you're home now," said Rose comfortingly.
Just a few days later Paul quietly explained to Michelle how speculation was building as to why he had left the tour early. Rumour was rife that there had been a major disagreement with John and that he had left the band. With Michelle understanding the needs for it, Paul had agreed to make a statement outlining why he had returned early.
"Do you want me to be with you when you make your statement?" Michelle asked him softly, "After all, it's my fault you came back early!"
Paul looked at her and gave her a sad smile. "You know you have nothing to blame your self for, but if you feel you want to be with me you know I'd like that."
At the given time, Paul stood at the gate to the house. In his hand he held a piece of paper which he intended to read from. He waited for the press to be quiet before beginning. As he lifted the paper Michelle saw how he was shaking. She squeezed his other hand to show her support and he gave her a gentle hug before speaking.
"There has been much rumour and speculation as to why I returned early from The Beatles tour of Australia and New Zealand. I would like to end all this gossip by making the following statement." He stopped, swallowed and then began again. "As you are aware, in October last year, Michelle and I proudly announced that we were expecting our first child. When I left Britain in December for the Australian tour, Michelle, was four months pregnant. However, whilst I was away, Michelle was diagnosed with complications in the pregnancy and I was needed to be with her." He paused and looked around at the watching people. "Unfortunately those complications resulted in our baby being born 10 weeks earlier than she should have been.... Sadly, our daughter, whom we named Jessica, was stillborn." His voice cracked as he fought back tears.
There was a gasp from the watching crowd. Paul paused, as the crowd remained totally silent, apart from the occasional click of a camera. He wiped away the rears from his face before continuing.
"As I am sure you can all appreciate, my place was by Michelle's side during this horrendous time. I do not wish to make any further comment or answer any further questions on this matter. I would like to request that you respect our desperate need for privacy during this sad time for us both." He looked at Michelle who was now crying softly beside him. He put his arm around her before finishing.
"I would like to apologise to all fans who were disappointed by my absence and I have been assured that everyone is to be offered a full ticket price refund. I will be returning to work with The Beatles once my home situation allows. Thank you."
Immediately, a sea of voices began shouting questions at them both. Paul shook his head and with his arm around Michelle, led her in to the house away from the crowd. Suddenly a voice, much more strident than all the others, called Michelle's name. She turned to find where it was coming from.
"Michelle," the voice called again, "How does it feel to know you deprived Paul of being a father? Do you think he'll still marry now you're not pregnant and can't give him the baby he wants? How does it feel to know he could replace you with any woman he wants who can have a child for him?"
A cloud of silence smothered the crowd. Michelle stared at the person asking the question. Paul watched as she crumpled to the floor as if in slow motion. She lay in a dead faint. He rushed to her, picked her up and took her back into the house. Rose rushed to him.
"Phone an ambulance quick!"
He laid Michelle on the sofa and gently called her name. Slowly her eyes opened. Paul heaved a sigh of relief and held her hand. "Just relax," he said softly, "the ambulance will be here soon."
After being examined by a doctor in A and E Michelle was declared well despite fainting and allowed to go home. She remained quiet, almost subdued which concerned Paul greatly. After she decided she wanted to go to bed, he waited until he was sure she was sleep before he left her alone. A few hours later he made his own way to bed, but was shocked to find Michelle was no longer there. He called her and searched the other bedrooms. Finally he found her, sitting in the dark in the room she had started to decorate a nursery.
"Michelle," he whispered softly shaking her shoulder. She stirred from her sleep, lifting a tear stained face to him. "What are you doing?"
"I need to be here," she whispered, "I need to think." She began to cry, deep heart breaking sobs. "I'm sorry I failed you Paul. I'm sorry, I'm sorry." She grabbed him suddenly, panic rising in her voice, "Forgive me please, forgive me!"
He held her close to him. "You haven't failed anything Michelle. It was just something that happened. Jane explained how no one was to blame."
"I failed you, I let you down! I don't deserve your love!"
Paul was confused, alarmed at the things Michelle was saying. "Come on love, let's go back to bed. Everything we feel better tomorrow."
"No...I need to be here. I need to feel Jess with me but I can't! Why can't I remember her, or feel her with me anymore. No wonder I lost her. I don't deserve to be a mother if I've forgotten her already! I'm a failure!" She began to claw at her face and pulling her hair. "I hate myself. You must hate me too."
Her distress grew. Paul watched, becoming increasingly alarmed as Michelle became more and more hysterical, hurting herself more and more. "Rose! Rose!" he called from the top of the stairs. "Rose, ring Richard. Quickly!"
Rose raced upstairs to where he was. She took one look at Michelle and her distress then picked up the phone and dialed the number. Passing the phone to Paul, he explained what was happening. Richard arrived swiftly and climbed the stairs two at a time. He looked at Michelle in horror. Her face was scratched and she was huddled in a corner of the room, holding a small teddy bear Paul had bought when she was first pregnant, rocking and sobbing.
"What happened?" He whispered.
"A reporter made a comment about her and she's just gone to pieces. Richard, what's wrong with her?"
Richard moved closer to Michelle. "Michelle, sweetheart." His voice was calm and soothing. "Michelle, talk to me!"
Continuing to rock and sob, she looked through him. Her eyes filled with pain. Richard tried to put his arms around her and hold her. Still she sobbed and she began to pull away from him. She scrambled further in to the corner of the room and began screaming at him not to touch her. Paul watched, terrified.
"Richard, what's happening?"
"What did this person say to her Paul? Outside."
"Something about being a failure because we lost Jess and that I wouldn't need to marry her any more."
"What did she do then?"
"She sort of collapsed, the hospital said she'd fainted and sent her home. She fell asleep almost as soon as we got back from there. Then when I came up to go to bed I found her like this! The more I tried to help her, the more hysterical she became. Richard, what's wrong?"
"This looks like some kind of breakdown," said Richard, "It's not my area of expertise but I do know she's going to need to be admitted into hospital before she really harms herself."
Within minutes, an ambulance was called. The paramedics entered the house, accompanied by a female doctor. She introduced herself quickly to Paul and Richard. Richard swiftly filled the doctor in with the details of Michelle's recent events and the comment made prior to her recent behaviour. The doctor asked both Paul and Richard to leave the room and stand on the landing. She then approached Michelle who, although a little calmer, was still huddled in the corner. After sitting on the floor so she was at eye level with her, she began to speak in a soft soothing voice.
"Hello Michelle," she said quietly, "My name is Helen. I'm a doctor."
"Leave me alone!"
"I don't want to leave you alone. I see someone who is very sad. I want to help you. Can I help you?"
"How? You can't bring Jess back. You can't make Paul still love me." Michelle's eyes filled with tears again. "Those people outside today, they were right though weren't they?" she whispered, looking around wildly, fearfully, "I failed Paul. I couldn't do something millions of women do everyday! Why, when he loves me so much? I hate myself! I don't deserve his love or anyone else's. I'd be better off dead!" Her hysteria began to grow again.
"You haven't done anything wrong Michelle, this tragic thing happened to you. You didn't make things happen."
"But Paul wanted the baby so much....I failed him..." Her voice was a barely audible whisper. "It hurts so much to know I've hurt him and that I failed him. I want the pain to stop ... but it won't! Make it stop.....please....make the pain go away! Bring my baby back – please!"
From the landing Paul heard everything she said. Tears filled his eyes and he moved to go to Michelle.
"I need to make Michelle understand I still love her!" he muttered.
Richard pulled him back "Let the doctor deal with her Paul, please!"
Nodding reluctantly, he watched as the doctor moved closer to her and held her hand. She was pleased to see that Michelle didn't pull away.
"Let me take you to the hospital Michelle. We can make the pain go away then. Will you come with me?"
Michelle's eyes widened fearfully. "Does Paul want me to leave now?" She started to cry. "He doesn't want me anymore does he?"
She started shouting his name, begging him to forgive her and not to send her away. Unable to stand back and listen to her pain, he came back into the room. Michelle flung herself on him, clinging to him she sobbed, begging him not to send her away and pleading with him to still love her. Paul, now distraught, came back into the room.
"I'm not sending you away," he tried to reassure her, "I love you Michelle and I always will but you need someone to help you. I'll come with you if you want. I'll stay with you if you want. That would be alright wouldn't it?"
"Paul can stay with you as much as you want Michelle. Shall we take you to the hospital to make you feel better?"
"Please Michelle," Paul said softly, "we'll go together and then if you're not happy we can come home."
"...You promise..."
"I promise."
Slowly she nodded, looking totally bewildered. Paul reached for a blanket and wrapped it around her shoulders. He helped her to stand up and began to lead her to the door.
"Where are you taking me?" she looked around suddenly, panicking. She tried to pull away from him again. Helen moved forward and put her arm around her once more. Michelle was unable to move away now.
"Michelle, we're going to take you to the hospital. We just want to can check you out. Make sure you're going to be alright. How does that sound?"
Michelle was lead to the waiting ambulance. She clung to Paul, clearly terrified. Once in the ambulance Helen took over. She covered Michelle with another blanket and held her hand reassuringly. She made a quick assessment of the injuries Michelle had inflicted on herself and noted that they weren't serious.
"Once we get to the hospital," she explained softly, "I'll take you to a quiet room where you can rest. Paul can stay with you and I want you to try to sleep. In the morning we can talk about how you're feeling. How does that sound?"
Michelle nodded cautiously. "You promise Paul can stay too?"
"If that's what you want, of course he can."
The ambulance pulled up outside a small building on the same site as the main hospital. Holding her hand, Paul led a scared Michelle into the building. He read the sign "Psychiatric assessment unit" and his heart lurched. Michelle was shown into a small but pleasant, comfortable room. She climbed into the bed when she was told but then looked around her fearfully. Paul sat close by her bed and held her hand. The doctor came back into the room, carrying a drink for them both. She sat on the edge of the bed next to Michelle to talk to her.
"How are you feeling now Michelle?" she asked quietly, noticing the immediate change in how calm she was.
"I'm OK I think ...but a bit confused as to why I'm here to be honest. I know I made a fool of myself earlier but I was upset. I'm OK now though....aren't I?"
Helen smiled at her. "You're much calmer now yes Michelle, but earlier on, your behaviour worried all of us."
"That's right love, you scared me and Richard." said Paul softly.
Michelle looked surprised. "Did I? Why?"
Helen took her hand. "You were hurting yourself Michelle. You said you wanted to harm yourself more and more. That kind of behaviour is a sign that someone is in a great deal of emotional distress."
"I'm distressed because our baby died though!" said Michelle, her hysteria rising again, "Isn't that a normal reaction to something as horrendous as that?" She was crying now, scared.
"In some ways it is Michelle," Helen soothed, "but sometimes that distress takes over too much. That's what your behaviour this evening is telling us. You need help so I've brought you here find the best way to help you."
"So where am I then?" Fear was growing in her eyes, "Why are there bars on the widows?" She looked at Helen and then at Paul. Her eyes held deep hurt and accusations. "You brought me to some kind of nut house haven't you? You want rid of me and think this is the way to do it! You can't keep me here. I haven't done anything wrong!"
She began to get out of the bed. Paul tried to stop her but she pushed him away, anger flashing in her eyes. She picked up the cup that had held her drink.
"Touch me again and I'll smash this in your face!" she snarled at him. Paul stepped back, genuinely afraid and looked to the Doctor for help. The Doctor had already pressed an alarm and 3 more people had entered the room, ready to help. Michelle looked around at them all and began to panic.
"Why are you here? What do you want? Leave me alone! Leave me alone!"
She started to shout and scream for help. She backed away from the people, cowering into the corner again. Unable to stand and watch this any longer Paul moved towards her and held her tight. She struggled against him, scratching, hitting and kicking him as she tried to free herself, totally out of control. Within seconds the doctor and other staff in the room had her surrounded. They picked her up, still screaming and crying and put her back on the bed. She was held there as Helen prepared an injection. The shock of the injection silenced her immediately. All fight gone, she looked around at the people holding her.
"Let me go," she whispered softly, "Please. Let me go. I won't struggle or fight anymore."
Looking at Helen, who nodded, the staff released their hold on her. They moved slightly away from the bed but were ready should they be needed again.
"What did you give me?" Michelle looked at the doctor. "What was in that injection?"
"A drug designed to calm you, help you to relax."
"You had no right to do that! I didn't give you permission to treat me."
"I had to make a decision for your safety and the safety of my staff and Paul, Michelle. You had already hurt yourself and now Paul. I couldn't let that continue."
Michelle turned to Paul. He looked pale and shocked. Michelle saw he had a nose bleed and scratches on his face.
"Did I do that?" she whispered, clearly horrified.
Paul nodded slowly.
"Oh!"
She looked around at Helen then moved to Paul. She reached out to him. The staff moved forward in warning.
"I only wanted to hold him and say I was sorry." said Michelle, hurt by their implication. She looked at the doctor. "What's wrong with me? Why am I doing this? I don't understand?" She began to cry.
Paul moved to hold her, ignoring the warnings from the staff. Sensing the drug was now taking effect, Helen dismissed them, leaving herself and Paul alone with Michelle.
"You're suffering from emotional exhaustion Michelle," she explained softly, "Your brain is so confused by what has happened to you recently that you're loosing the ability to cope, to function normally. That's why you're here. You're in our assessment unit for people like yourself who are finding life difficult."
Michelle nodded, her eyes never leaving the doctors face. "So what happens to me now?"
"Well, first of all, you need to get some rest, the injection will help you to sleep, then tomorrow you will meet with a doctor to talk about what we can do for you?"
"Will it be with you?" she asked softly.
"Would you like it to be me?"
"Please." Her voice was a scared whisper. "I'm scared." She continued tearfully, "I'm really scared of the way I feel."
The doctor gave her a gentle reassuring smile. "Let's get you settled and then tomorrow we can start on getting you sorted."
Reluctantly Michelle shuffled down into the bed and allowed Paul to pull the covers over her.
"Comfy now love?"
She nodded.
"Now Paul can stay with you, if that's what you want?"
She looked at him. "Please!" Her voice pleading."
Paul took her hand and squeezed it reassuringly. "I'll be here. Always. You know that." he whispered, kissing her hand gently.
Michelle gave a deep sigh, the doctor looked at her watch, assessing the effect of the drug that had been administered. She turned out the lights in the room except for the night light which gave off a comforting glow. Within minutes, Michelle was asleep. Paul sat by her bed, his thoughts focused on the events of the night. He was exhausted and confused. Everything in his world that mattered seemed to be falling apart. He put his head in his hands and cried.