It was on the way home that my whole world fell apart. Exhausted, I dozed in the backseat. Both the boys snored loudly, mouths open and heads flung back as they slept. I think that's why Mom assumed we were all deeply asleep.
I was only half-awake and I heard her shift in her seat as she turned back, checking on us. Then she got down to business.
"So what do you think our chances are?" she said.
"Chances at what?" Nate Berkeley replied.
"Of making it big."
"The kids are talented. I'm trying to push that we have them provide even more talent. I want to see the kids playing instruments, not just singing and dancing. A real band."
I knew Mom was about to protest. But she never got a chance. Nate spoke up again. "Your daughter is very talented. What are her plans?"
"Well, she's young," I heard Mom say. It sounded better than I'm in a power struggle with her. "But I think she's going to come along with us." And then, as if she couldn't stand keeping her cleverness a secret any longer, she said the words that killed me.
"You know, she's always had a little crush on Ryder Rhodes. When we first got here, I asked him to pay her a little extra attention. You know, just flirt a little bit. I think she'll definitely go wherever he does." My head whirled and I felt suddenly hot and cold all at once. The urge to throw up came over me, but I forced myself to remain silent.
"You did what?" I peeked, just barely, through my lashes. Nate was staring at Mom in shock.
"They would be a great couple," Mom continued, oblivious to the fact that Nate had a look of disgust on his face as he listened to her. "It would help her career immensely if she dated him."
I felt sick. I wanted nothing more than to jump out of that car and run far, far away. Finally, after what seemed like ages, we pulled up in front of the house. And then I did just that.
#
When I reached my room, I flopped down on my bed, sobbing. I couldn't believe, I just couldn't, that Ryder had tricked me like that. Now I knew why he had acted so strange. One minute he seemed to like me and the next, he was holding me at arm's length.
My journal was in the drawer next to my bed. I could imagine the perfect entry for this moment in my life. At this time, my world is ending. I don't know who to trust anymore. Even at my most upset, I have to admit, I did feel just a smidge of satisfaction at my dramatization of the situation. And then reality came over me again in one crashing wave.
I felt as if my room was closing in on me, like life was closing in on me. You win, Mom, I thought. You win. A sudden feeling that I had to break free came over me and I escaped onto my balcony, sucking the night air into my lungs like someone who was drowning breaking through the water to the surface above.
The distant sound of shouting came to me as I stood there, staring at the shimmering reflection of the moon in the pool's surface. Craning my neck, I saw two figures in the yard of the identical street across the yard. Ryder's house.
"Grady?" I whispered. Without thinking, I sprang into action. I ran as silently as possible down the stairs and across the wide expanse of yard separating us, slipping on the dew-covered grass.
"Stay away from my sister!" I heard my brother shout just before I reached them. Ryder stood just outside his door, one hand pressed to his eye.
"Grady? What's going on?" I asked.
Grady swallowed hard before turning to face me. "Mom has been setting you up, Lindy. Mom and Ryder. Just listen. I heard her in the car on the way over here. We just had a huge fight." I wondered where Mom was now and what condition she was in. Grady, her golden child, never fought with her. He was babbling as he tried to explain the situation, but I interrupted him.
"I know. I heard it, too."
"So I came over here to see if it's true. And it was." Grady glared at Ryder.
"No," Ryder started to protest, his eyes wide.
"Ryder? How could you?" I asked. "How could you do that? Lead me on like that?"
"Lindy, it's not what you think," Ryder said.
"Really?" I crossed my arms. "Did you flirt with me because my Mom asked you to? To get me to go along with what she wants."
"Yeah," Ryder admitted slowly. "At first. But I really started liking you, Lindy. I did!"
"I can't believe we've been in the band together all this time and you were doing this," Grady broke in. "I thought we were friends!" Ryder lowered his hands and I was horrified to see that Grady had hit him. A thin line of blood trickled from a cut just below his rapidly blackening left eye.
"I'm not the only one keeping secrets," Ryder scoffed. "How about the fact that you got Tom hired on and never told any of us? Huh? I heard what happened. You knew way before we did who the final member was and you didn't even tell us."
"Now wait a minute," Grady yelled, but I shushed him.
"Grady, this wasn't the way to handle it," I said. "I didn't want Ryder hurt. I just wanted..." I stopped. I didn't know what I wanted. Maybe just for everything to be the way I had believed it to be all along?
"Can I talk to Ryder alone for a minute?" I asked my brother.
"I don't know if that's such a good idea, Lindy," Grady said, glancing hesitantly between me and Ryder. "You might learn something you don't want to know."
"Or maybe I do," I said. "Just give me a minute."
"Okay, but I don't trust him," Grady said. "At least Hardyn is a jerk and doesn't act like he's not. You can never trust actors."
We waited in silence as Grady left. As soon as he was out of sight, I turned back to Ryder. "Why? Why did you do what she asked?"
Ryder shrugged. "I don't know. I mean, the way she said it, I was just helping out the band. And I did like you. But then...."
"What?"
"After we kissed, I really liked you. It might have started out as me just flirting with you, but I do like you, Lindy. Now."
I stayed quiet and he continued.
"I first realized I liked you the night we kissed. And then after that, I mean.... I was always getting jealous of you and the other guys. Tom-" Ryder stopped and made a face. "And Bridge. I thought you liked them better than me. And I thought that maybe... well, that maybe I shouldn't have flirted with you like that at first. It was wrong and I felt guilty. I still do."
"I didn't want to tell you," Ryder continued. "Because I didn't want you to hate me. I'm sorry."
"I know," I said. "So am I."
I turned on my heel and marched away, leaving Ryder Rhodes in my dust.
To be honest, I'd love to say that I never thought of Ryder again after that. I wanted nothing more than to put him out of my mind forever. But life in show biz doesn't work like that. I knew I would have to see him in the morning. And I wondered what everyone would say when they saw the black eye.
Grady was waiting for me when we got back to the house. "You okay?" he asked as he stood at the sink, holding ice to his hand.
"Yeah," I said, keeping my voice low so Mom wouldn't hear us. "Are you?"
Grady grimaced. "I've been better. I'm probably going to get in tons of trouble tomorrow and maybe even kicked out of the band. I don't even want to think about what Mom is going to say."
"Grady, you shouldn't have done that," I said. "It didn't help anything."
"I know," Grady grinned. "So don't expect it again." He paused in the doorway on his way up the stairs, glancing back at me with a teasing expression. "And Linds, please. Try to get better taste in guys."
I threw a dish towel at him.
#
The next morning was chaos. Dad was coming in for the concert and was supposed to arrive by lunch, but as the day progressed, plans kept changing and in the end we received an e-mail telling us he would just meet us there.
I snuck out early that morning for one last visit to Mrs. Crabtree's before the big night. As I neared the house, I saw Minnie's branches waving in the breeze as if the tree was glad to see me. I picked up my pace and ran through the gate.
Mrs. Crabtree wasn't on her porch so I knocked on her door. There wasn't an answer so I went to the window, peering inside. Mrs. Crabtree was sitting at her easel, painting. I rapped on the pane and Mrs. Crabtree turned to me.
"Come in," she called and I hurried to comply.
"I can only stay a few minutes," I said as I tried to catch my breath.
"It's good to see you! I was just wondering if you would come by."
"I wanted to see you." I had planned on telling her all about it, but I found I couldn't get the words out. Instead, I just sat down on her couch and said lamely, "I was wondering if you have any final advice for me."
"As a matter of fact, I do," Mrs. Crabtree said. "First of all, I want you to always know how special you are. And if you ever think you aren't, just know that I'm somewhere thinking you are." I couldn't help but smile and she returned my grin before continuing.
"Secondly, I know it's none of my business, but I've seen some of the flirtations going on during rehearsals. Some boys just aren't the kind to ever be trusted or depended on. It's too early to see if that's the case for Ryder, but be careful, Lindy." I blushed, wondering if somehow Mrs. Crabtree knew.
"You know, I can always tell when soul mates meet. I always know who someone is going to end up with, the first time I see them together. It's a talent of mine."
A chill ran up my spine. "Who is it for me?"
Mrs. Crabtree shook her finger at me. "I can't tell."
"But-"
"Not now, anyway. Maybe one day."
I wasn't happy with that. I wanted to know now. "But what if something happens to you? Then I'll always wonder."
Mrs. Crabtree laughed, but still she shook her head. "I'm not telling. Besides, you'll know. Unless you're an idiot, which you are not."
"But I'll want to know if you were right," I protested, smiling in spite of myself.
Mrs. Crabtree thought a moment and then she grabbed a piece of pink stationary from her table. She scribbled something on it and then folded it up. I held out my hand, ready to accept it, but instead of handing it to me as I thought she would, Mrs. Crabtree dropped it through a slot in a huge wooden radio to her right.
"Why did you do that?" I asked as I stared at it with my mouth hanging open.
"This radio," Mrs. Crabtree patted it, "is just about as old as I am. You can't get to that note without pulling it apart, but you have my permission to do so when I'm gone." Her face softened as she ran her hand over the antique. "I used to hide my little scribbles in it when I was a child. There's no telling what's in there."
#
Mom was not handling the changes to her careful plans well. She was a nervous mess as she tried to keep everything organized, despite the best efforts of what appeared to be karma and fate working against her.
I did some planning of my own and somehow, I got Mom alone on the car ride over to the studio. I waited till we were in traffic before I rolled up the window dividing me and Mom from the driver.
"Mom?" I asked, but she barely glanced at me, so intent as she was on applying her lipstick.
"Mom?" I repeated and she glanced at me.
"Yes? What is it?"
"Why did you do it?" I asked her. I didn't see any sense in beating around the bush. Besides, our ETA was in fifteen minutes.
Mom stopped and looked up at me. She really looked at me. And she looked confused. "Do what?"
"Get Ryder to make me think I liked him?"
Mom's eyes widened. "You were awake?"
I nodded.
"First of all, Lindy, he does like you," Mom said. "I was just trying to get you two together."
"But why?"
"You'd be such a great couple," Mom gushed. "And I thought you would want to stay with us." She looked suddenly lost as she gazed into my eyes, searching for something in me that I wasn't sure was there. "I don't understand. I've put everything into you and your brother. Why don't you want to be with me?"
My words caught in my throat.
"Why don't you like me?" Mom asked.
"Because you do things like this," I exclaimed. "I really liked him, Mom. And now it's all ruined."
"I'm sorry," Mom said. "I... I didn't know. I thought a little harmless flirting..."
"A little harmless flirting?" I scoffed. "What about telling him to kiss me?"
Mom stared at me, shocked. Her eyes were so wide, I could see the little gold flecks in them. Just like me. "Lindy... I never told him to kiss you. I swear. In fact, I told him not to kiss you. Just a little flirting, I said. Do you want me to have a talk with him?" Mom's face colored in anger and I saw her nostrils go up at the corners like they do only when she's really mad or negotiating a huge deal.
As odd as it sounds, I wanted to believe her. So I did. And I felt a little bit better.
"I'm so sorry," Mom said. "I... I didn't mean for you to get hurt. I just have such big plans for you. And Grady. I see so many possibilities in your future."
And that, I thought, was the problem. All Mom saw was the future. And that was why she was never truly happy. She was always striving for something more, something better, that was always out of reach.
I felt sorry for her. And then, to my surprise, my mother began to cry. "You probably hate me, don't you?" she asked.
"I don't hate you," I said slowly. Mom grabbed my hand, squeezing it tightly.
"Lindy, I know you think I'm pushy. I know I am," she winced as she admitted a fault. "But I really do you want you to come with us. And not just for the reasons you think. I would miss you."
Lights flooded the car as we pulled up backstage and I reached over, wiping a tear from my Mom's face. "Don't cry, Mom. We're here."
I'm proud to say, only the tiniest piece of me wondered if Mom was acting.
Only the tiniest, tiniest piece.
*** Guys, there are literally only maybe 2 updates left!!!! I'm going to be so sad when it's over. :( What did you think of this section?