I totally didn't spend some time deciding if I wanted shit to go down, or shit to go down.
Please read the end note x
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Knock knock.
That should have been the first warning sign. Upon hearing it, I assumed it was Jamie.
But Jamie has a key - he doesn't need to knock, he never does it anyway.
But since returning from London, London with it's fateful night where Jamie told me he loved me, I'd been in somewhat of a blissful trance - a bubble of happiness, so far from the paranoid, anxious state I used to live in before Jamie came into my life.
That's why when I opened the door, I didn't expect the man standing before me.
Peter.
I imagine that if I told someone who never knew Peter about him, and about what he did, they'd probably visualise him as some monstrous guy - maybe ugly, scaring looking, intimidating perhaps.
In reality, Peter wasn't very much like that at all. He wasn't scary looking, he wasn't unique looking - besides his eyes, and really, that's all I was left to work with as it took a second to recognise him. On the train he'd looked like he always did - brown hair, medium height, glasses, relatively plain features. But now, his hair was lighter and he'd looked like he'd lost weight, and the glasses that usually framed his face were gone.
Like I said, his eyes were the giveaway, they never looked like they fit with the rest of his appearance. Hazel eyes, full of swirling golds and greens and browns. I would never, ever, forget them. I used to adore them, feel like I could stare into them for hours.
They were also one of the last things I saw when I glanced at Peter, and he hit the brakes. Peter's eyes scared the absolute hell out of me now, naturally.
His eyes were also very capable of portraying his emotions, the most violent anger would glow through them, malice, evil.
Love, once, but not anymore.
Right now however, they're curious, as he gauges my reaction to him being right in front of me. Not that I've really had time to react.
The guy that tried to kill me was right on my doorstep and there was nothing stopping him from coming inside my apartment and trying again.
Words choke my mouth. "P-Peter."
A smile. It doesn't have an malice in it at all, it's inviting, comforting.
"Hello, Heidi."
His voice is smooth and confident. I reassess my first impressions of him. He's well dressed, in some casual jeans and a button-down top with a jacket. He looks like he could be off to work in an office or something. He's clean shaven, with neat hair and no bags under his eyes. He looks entirely different from when I last got a proper look at him, in court.
He notices my staring. "I look different, don't I?" He grins, again.
I just nod mutely, still frozen in the doorway.
I attempt to compose my inner panic. "What are you doing here?"
He took a small step forward. "I want to talk with you," he raises his left hand slightly, and in it I notice two steaming coffees nestled in a cardboard tray, "coffee?"
I don't say anything. I can't comprehend that the drug-addicted guy that tried to kill me was standing in front of me, neat and coherent, with two coffees in his hands.
He tutted. "C'mon, I'm different now, you can see it, can't you? I just want to talk, that's all."
Peter had always been the persuasive kind of person, I knew this, but I let him sway me anyway. I backed up a step.
"'Kay, but only for five minutes, then you've got to leave," I let him follow me to the couch, where we sat on opposite ends, eyeing each other. I pick at my nails as Peter just stares at me, like I'm sort of exhibit in a museum, or a lab experiment. I exhale, impatient. He still makes me nervous. "So, what did you want to say to me?"
A tense silence follows, or, at least for me. Peter looks like he's right at home on the couch in an apartment he's never been in, across from an ex he almost killed, he looked like there was nothing odd about this situation at all.
Not to mention, he kind of had a restraining order. He's not supposed to be anywhere near me intentionally. We both knew this; yet here he was.
Peter cleared his throat, turning to face me more. "I've been thinking."
That's a first.
He continued, oblivious (you would hope) to my internal commentary. "I've been thinking about us."
I swallowed. This was not good.
His eyes broke from mine and scanned the apartment. "I'm a changed man, you know. I'm out of jail, I've got a job, I have an apartment, I'm clean."
He looked at me like he was expecting me to have a reaction. He was probably expecting me to smile, maybe congratulate him, at least look surprised or impressed at how he's seemingly turned his life around. But I gave him none of that, I could feel that my expression - which I hoped was blank - was set in stone.
His smile faltered a bit, and his face became more composed. "What I'm saying, Heidi, is that I'm a changed man." He paused. "I want to start over, I want us to start over. I know we can do this again. Don't you agree? Will you start again with me?"
Don't I agree? To hell with me agreeing with Peter's proposal. This guy was batshit crazy. Did he really think that I would agree to getting back with the ex that nearly killed me and went to jail? Really? And of course, not to mention the restraining order, and I didn't fancy walking into court again any time soon, and oh yeah, I have a boyfriend.
I decided to not let my inner thoughts be spoken. I just looked at him, frowning. "You're nuts."
Things changed quickly then. Peter stood up, all composition lost from his face. "What do you mean? No! I'm not nuts."
I stood up too, crossing my arms. "Perhaps not, but there isn't a chance in hell you're ever going to be with me again."
Peter stepped forwards, arm shooting out and gripping my wrist. "I'm the best you're ever going to get Heidi, don't you see that?!" He snarled, talking through clenched teeth.
I attempted to shake his grip off, but he was strong. "Let go of me!"
He shook his head. "No! I won't let go until you give me one good reason why you won't get back with me."
Couldn't this guy see that what he wanted was insane? I could always tell him that I had a boyfriend, which I do, but I didn't want to throw that reason too quickly. I wanted Peter to leave me alone because I wanted him to.
"Because I said so Peter! I don't want you! I don't love you anymore! You tried to kill me - isn't that enough of a reason for me to never want to see your face ever again?" I yelled.
Peter was about to retaliate, when I heard my door click open again, and Jamie decided to make his presence known. "Hey babe, who's here?"
He stopped dead upon seeing Peter, who still had an iron grip on my arm.
"This is Peter," I said.
Jamie's face turned livid. I'd seen Jamie annoyed before, frustrated, even angry, but this was something beyond that. His brows furrowed and jaw clenched, darkened eyes zeroing in on Peter's hand on my wrist.
"Get. Your hands. Off her. Right. Now." His voice was strangled.
Peter did what was probably the first smart thing he's done since walking into my apartment and let go of my wrist, dropping his arms to his side. "And who are you?"
Jamie made his way over to my side, putting a reassuring arm around my waist, "I'm Jamie-"
"My boyfriend." I finished for him. Jamie glanced at me quickly and shot me a small smile.
Peter's eyebrows rose. "Your boyfriend?" He paused, as if searching for words to say. "Well Heidi, I didn't think it was possible for someone as pathetic as you to-"
"You shut your mouth!" Spat Jamie, stepping towards Peter, who stepped closer until the two of them were almost chest-to-chest, having seemingly forgotten me.
"You're just as pathetic as she is," snarled Peter.
"If protecting her from you makes me pathetic, then I'll wear that label with pride."
I was sick of this. I stepped forward and took Jamie's hand, glaring at Peter. "Peter, it's time for you to go, and to not come back and speak to me again - you have a restraining order, remember?"
Peter stepped back. "Fine," he spat at me, and then he turned to Jamie. "But just remember who broke her. You remember it's because of me that she has those ugly scars, you remember that it's because of me that she panics, you remember it's because of me that she flinches sometimes when you touch her. You'll never be able to get away from the fact that I'll haunt her forever. She'll never be completely yours, ever.
Jamie ground his teeth, and my mind was reeling. How did he know so much?
Peter clearly wasn't finished. "There's marks in her mind from me that will never fade away. She's never going to forget me, and you'll never be able to take that away. She'll always be mine, in a way."
He turned, and strode out of my apartment, slamming the door behind him.
Jamie and I stood there, hand in hand, in a shocked silence for a moment. Jamie gently lifted my hand up, fingers running lightly over the wrist Peter had gripped, brow furrowed in concern. There was a red mark around my wrist, throbbing. It would probably bruise later.
"Are you okay?" He finally asked.
I nodded. "I think so."
Jamie's eyes caught mine. "Are you going to freak out like last time?"
I shook my head. "No. He's not worth it." I leaned my head on Jamie's shoulder. "Besides, I have you here, with me, don't I?"
Jamie's arms wrapped around me, swallowing me into a hug. "Of course."
I sighed against his chest. I could faintly feel his heart beat thrumming under his skin against my cheek.
"It's not true," I mumbled.
Jamie didn't move, but dropped his chin so it rested on my head. "What's not true?"
"What Peter said. I don't think about him anymore, because I have you. He doesn't have marks in my mind, I don't care about the scars on my body.." My words were running together faster and faster as a tear ran down my cheek, soaking into Jamie's shirt. "Because you're here and you're the only one that matters - he doesn't matter anymore-"
Jamie's shushed me. "Heidi, you don't have to lie.."
What?! I wasn't lying...
"But I mean it!" I protested, leaning back looking up at Jamie. "What do you mean?"
Jamie squeezed me tighter. "What I mean is, I know the most of what he said isn't true, but Heidi, it's okay. You do flinch, you do have scars, you do have trust issues, and that's okay. Because I know you love me, and I love you, and you've put all these horrible things behind you and we're working through this together and that's all that matters to me, and it's all that should matter to you. " His hand cupped my cheek, his finger running across my cheekbone gently, sincere eyes gazing into mine. "This sounds so soppy but you've got to know this Heidi, okay? I love you for you, and that means everything about you."
And it was then that my heart felt like it was going to burst, because what Jamie had said was perfect, and somehow, he'd known what the one little thing that I hadn't even realised was bugging me was, and he'd fixed it. He was fixing me, in the best way possible.
"You're perfect Jamie, do you know that?" I asked, resting my head back into his chest as his arms wove back around me. "You're perfect to me."
Silence, and then, "I try. I love you." I could hear the smile in his voice.
I smiled. "You don't even have to. I love you too."
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P L E A S E R E A D
So I wrote the last part of this on my phone because my laptop is cactus fml :/
Sorry I'm so lousy at updating, I don't even remember the last time I updated this...
Truth is, I'm not in the greatest place right now but I'm trying I promise x
Hope you enjoyed! Vote, follow, leave a comment!
xx