Within Wall Rose, Survey Corps Headquarters
Ilyse discretely places a stack of books on the corner of my desk. She brings her hands behind her back and shyly bows her head. "Thank you for lending me these, Squad Leader. I learned a lot from them..." The last of her words vaporize into a mere nothingness that lingers in the cool air of my office.
Such a timid girl. She reminds me of myself when I was her age.
Unable to look others in the eye for more than a few seconds. Bracing herself from the discomfort that comes with talking to another. Constantly reflecting on the words that have come out of her mouth to check for any mistakes. I have experienced all this.
However, I have changed drastically since then.
I look at her and see my teenage self. The only exceptions to our resemblance are her light blonde bob of hair, watery blue eyes, and tall figure.
"I'm glad you got something out of these books, Ilyse. Do you enjoy reading often?" I ask.
She continues to look at the ground as she answers, "I find certain books fascinating. Especially ones about history and such."
I nod while dragging the lighted candle on the edge of my desk closer to our vicinity. "I can see that. I'm sure you found the history of the 3-D Maneuver Gear interesting." I look at the stack of books and find one of its bindings etched with worn letters reading, "The Origin of the Three-Dimensional Maneuver Gear."
"Y-Yes, I did," she responds, "We are taught how to use the equipment, but I have never really known about the genius who designed such technology. This book definitely provided me with this knowledge."
"It's amazing, isn't it? Some people just have incredibly intelligent minds," I comment.
Ilyse finally raises her head to look at me with her soft eyes and positions herself in the military salute. "I-I must be going. Thank you once again," she says while turning towards the far door.
"Ah, wait, Ilyse," I call out to her.
She frantically spins her body around to face me, making her jacket twirl along with her.
I smile and explain, "I wanted to praise you for your hard work. You seem like a very determined soldier and I commend you for that."
Although Ilyse may be quiet and reserved, she has shown the most diligence out of everyone in the squad during the one week since their arrival. She is always the first to meet me in the mornings of our excursions to the forest and our surveying trips to practice our squad formation. She never leaves a task unfinished and takes her role as a soldier seriously. Disregarding her timidness, Ilyse is the ideal subordinate every superior wants to have in their team.
Ilyse gives me a short bow. "T-Thank you v-very much, Squad Leader."
This is your chance, Renata. You want a close relationship with your squad so don't mess this up.
"I'm a bit curious...Why did you decide to join the Survey Corps?"
The girl rubs the back of her hand. Her averted eyes reflect slight discomfort.
Maybe it was a bit too soon to ask.
"Um...I-If you don't mind..." She sits herself down on a short chair in front and presses her legs together. "It's a bit of a long story..." Ilyse says while giving me a nervous look.
My excitement from this advancement in our acquaintance causes me to hurriedly spit out, "No, no, no! I don't mind at all!" I lean against my desk and give her my full attention.
The warm light in the room makes her young skin glow like the moon and her eyes twinkle like a pair of lonesome stars. She mumbles quietly to herself, "Where should I start...m-maybe there...no...how about when that happened...no..."
Ilyse clears her throat and straightens her back, indicating that she has decided on what she would be telling me. Her typically quiet, stammering voice is replaced with one that is clear and audible as she explains, "My family, the Konig family, has a long line of ancestors dating back to many years ago. Apparently, we have the blood of many prestigious government officials who did great things for the land back then. My father and mother both take pride in the Konig name and will do everything to continue handing down this name to future generations. However, their first child was a girl. As you may know, it is the law for married women to take the surname of their spouse; therefore, it was pointless to have daughters that would eventually lose this prestigious name. They tried again, and their second child was also a girl. They had their third, fourth, and fifth child and still had the same results. I was the third daughter in the house."
"Then came the sixth child. They had finally given birth to a son. My parents cherished him like a little prince, showering him with love that my sisters and I have never felt before. Seeing how much of a burden us five were, it became a norm for my parents to send us to military training once were old enough. One by one, my older sisters left for the Trainee Corps and all of them joined the Garrison. I joined the Survey Corps."
Ilyse looks down at her clenched fist and continues, "I don't know why, but it just felt...right. All my life I have had the notion that women were unimportant, fragile, weak, and incapable of contributing to humanity because that is how my parents treated me. I wanted to prove to myself that this was not true. So I joined the Survey Corps to become the woman I ought to be: A woman who is capable of fighting to take back what is ours and can indeed contribute to humanity."
Another person who had no choice but to be suppressed by the will of others. She knew what she wanted to do to break the chains that pinned her to this view of a woman's capabilities. In order to achieve this, Ilyse trudged through sweat and blood to become a soldier.
And here she is. Those chains have turned into the wings gallantly stitched on her broad back.
I tell her with utmost sincerity, "You're a strong girl, Ilyse. People are complete fools if they fail to see how fortified your will is."
She gives me a warm smile and responds,"Thank you for your kind words, Squad Leader." Ilyse rises from her chair and salutes before turning to leave the room.
Before exiting, she looks behind and gently claims, "You're a strong woman too, Squad Leader Renata. You know how to handle us well; being stern when enforcement is necessary yet calm and composed when things get out of hand. And you understand everyone so well. You're a good leader, and this has given me proof that women really are capable of doing great things." Ilyse gives me another smile and leaves.
Her words hit my heart like a fiery arrow. It does no damage. It does quite the opposite. The comforting warmth from its blaze spreads through every vein in my body, making me feel weightless.
The fact that she was comfortable enough to share her past was enough to satisfy me. The fact that she called me a good leader filled every crack of doubt in me.
However, I can't get my mind off of a particular thought.
This young, warm, and reserved girl carries such a deep past.
This has made me think a bit. Everyone has walked a certain path in which only they themselves have set foot on. Some paths may be full of obstructions. Some paths may be as smooth as silk. Regardless of how hard it is to proceed on these roads, some may intersect at one point, completely changing the course ahead.
Ilyse and the rest of my squad all have different paths behind them. Now, they all have winded to this point of intersection, with mine also included in this junction. I don't know what to think of this. Especially because I have some control over what their future will bring them. My prospective decisions will either alter their future drastically, or allow them to proceed with ease.
I stand up from my chair and stretch my arms, pulling on the stiff muscles of my back. I then walk to the back of the room and open the shutters of the lone window. A cool breeze rushes inside as it blows the hair out of my face.
Dark clouds hide the night sky, making the land mysteriously obscure. Without the comforting light from the moon and spots of stars, it's like I'm looking at a never-ending sea of blackness that is just waiting to pull me into its empty depths.
As I bring my elbow to the edge, I unknowingly scratch my hand against the rough surface of the improperly sanded wooden frame. I examine the affected skin, noticing its rose color from the abrasion.
I sigh, which is something that I have been doing too much of these days.
It's the same color that manifested Levi's blushing cheeks the night from one week ago.
This was definitely a surprise to me. A cold, stoic man with rosy cheeks of embarrassment is a baffling scene. I've come to understand his way of doing this, however. I myself have blushed after he had led me down the stairs during that painful night. His gentlemanliness had warmed me to such an extent, and I believe that maybe, just maybe, my delicate act had the same effect on him.
Nevertheless, I can never read him. I never know what he is thinking.
I sigh again, sending my warm breath into the cold air.
All this thought about peoples' pasts and this sudden reminder of Levi's illegible nature has made me curious.
What is his past like?
What kind of path has he taken to get here?
I have worked with him for several months and I don't even know the answer to these questions. I do know that I won't be given the answers right away.
What if his past is filled with traumatizing memories that he doesn't want to recall? Are these memories the source of the shadow that remains in his eyes?
I want to know.
Just as I have been wanting to do for my fellow troops, I want to heal him. He has given me so much, yet I have repayed so little. If I could just purify him of the clouds that gloom over him, maybe it will suffice to liquidate the debt that I owe him.
If that is the case, then I must know of the source of the clouds. The origin of this turbulence must be locked in his uncertain past. I want to unlock this chest and kill every one of the shadowy monsters that have filled him with their chaos.
Somehow.
I don't know how.
"Squad Leader Renata!"
I turn around and find Luki popping his head into the room. His chestnut bangs are cleanly swept to the side and he looks at me with sparks in his eyes: a sign indicating that he is hungry.
"We're ready for supper," He says.
"You must be starving," I respond as I walk across the room to the door, "I'll give you my potatoes, don't worry."
Luki makes a triumphant smile. I ruffle his hair as we make our way down the hallway.
/~・~/
A small piece of wood delicately carved into the soft petals of a rose. Its bumps and grooves feel soothing against my fingertips and I often find myself rubbing its surface between my index finger and thumb. I hold it up to the clouded sky as the pendant's string around my neck restrains me from raising it up any further.
This is the only remnant from a past that stretches way beyond the time I was born. It connects me with the mother who gave birth to me and the father who has loved me from a distance.
"I've seen that around your neck for some time," Levi says. He sits against the inside of the balcony's wall with his arm resting on one knee.
"Would you like to take a closer look?"
I bring it around my head and under my hair. I push myself off the wall facing him and approach his side. As I slowly lower myself next to him, I hand him the pendant which he gently takes in his own hands. He lowers his eyes to examine the piece.
Why we end up coming here every night is still a mystery yet to be solved. This was my original place of thought, but Levi decided to share the space as well. He stopped telling me why he came here everyday after the second night. After the incident with Hanji, I do know that he's here on his own accord. I will never get the reason out of him. But I suppose even a cold man like him can get a bit lonely. He does suffer from insomnia after all. What better way to spend his desolate hours of restlessness, than to get some fresh air out here?
I bring my knees to my chest and hug them tightly. "It's pretty, isn't it?"
"It's just a piece of wood that looks like a flower."
No matter how restless and lonely he may be, Levi will always be Levi.
I cover my face between my legs as I mumble in annoyance, "It's a rose."
"Well, that's a coincidence," He remarks.
I smile. I had completely forgotten that he knows I like roses.
Something taps the tip of my boot and I look up from my legs to see that Levi had tossed the necklace to the edge of my feet. I take it by the string and adjust it around my neck.
"My father gave it to me," I explain as I go back to hugging my knees. "It actually belonged to my mother, but she gave it to my father as a keepsake." The words slipped out of my mouth so smoothly. I'm comfortable with sharing my past with the man sitting next to me, and I can only hope that he will eventually feel the same.
"My mother apparently called it the 'Perennial Rose.' It whithers during the winter and flowers again in the spring every year, forever. It's supposed to remind people that if a flower can live eternally like this, one's strength and will to move forward can also be eternal," I tell him.
I hear Levi's low grunt. "Who is stupid enough to give a name and cheesy meaning to a piece of wood?"
"I think it has a beautiful name and meaning."
"Tch. Of course you would."
I ignore him and add, "But I tend to see it differently. When this rose seems to die as it whithers, it is reborn when spring arrives. Analogously speaking, when a person seems to lose all strength, it will eventually be reborn. They will never permanently lose it."
"Thank you for your poetic insight," Levi says.
I sense his sarcasm and lightly punch his arm.
Levi keeps a straight face as he simply responds, "So your father is Darius Zackly. Must be nice telling the others that you're the Commander-in-Chief's daughter."
I'm not surprised that he know about this. Erwin must have explained everything to him. I only feel a bit insecure. What else does Levi know about me that I'm not aware of?
I nod, brushing my chin against the crevice between my knees. "Yes, I am his daughter. But it's not exactly something that I like to boast about."
"Then again, you never boast," Levi comments.
He's talking quite a lot today. Most of what he has said so far had come back to bite me, but I'm satisfied with the fact that he's becoming a little more comfortable around me.
I tilt my head up and observe the grey field of clouds that looms over our heads. These clouds are not the typical white ones that I see scattered within the blue sky on clear mornings. Unlike these white clouds that tempt my hand to reach skyward and touch their fluffed contents, the dark clouds that shade the earth from the moon are a little intimidating. Still, their slow movement across the atmosphere has a calming effect on me.
"Hey, Levi?"
"What?"
Moments of truth will always be cruel to the nerves and heart.
They need to be carefully planned prior to their commencement, for the type of atmosphere and specific time are crucial to the outcome. I have thus chosen this very location and minute to ensure success. I brace myself in preparation for a possible failure, praying for success with simultaneous voices in my head.
Please.
Give me an answer.
I offer a small part of my soul in my words as I ask him, "Why did you try so hard to bring me back when Erwin sent me away?"
Silence. Pure, vicious silence.
Levi keeps his eyes forward, scrunching his forehead. "Who told you that?"
I release the breath that I had been holding back and mumble,"Erwin."
I then add, "He didn't say it directly, but when I had arrived at headquarters, he welcomed me and said something like, 'You should be grateful that Levi was able to change my mind.' I know very well that Erwin is a hard man to convince. I can only assume that you tried your hardest."
He remains quiet. I can sense that there are a million gears turning in his head as he tries to figure out what to say.
Please.
I just want to understand you more.
So that I can help you.
"Those idiots are still soldiers."
Idiots?
I lean in a bit closer. "What are you talking about, Levi?"
He finally turns his head to face me, staring at me with his piercing eyes as he says, "Those suicidal idiots."
"They're still here?" Erwin had taken me to the Inner District right after I had blasted my fire at these individuals who were about to take their own lives. I had no knowledge of what happened to them afterwards. I only speculated that they couldn't take the pressure of staying here and requested to transfer out.
As I continue to look at him, his tense expression softens. His hair masks his eyes as he lowers them to the floor. I feel that something has changed. Almost as if something in him had...
Opened.
Levi tells me softly, "You changed them. They made the right choice because of you. If you can do this to them, you're equally able to steer others away from making wrong decisions; like the ones I stupidly made in the past. Erwin is a fool if he lets go of someone who can do this."
Success. Sweet, lovely, magnificent success.
His words came from the heart. I could feel his sincerity in every syllable. "Levi...I didn't know you thought this way..."
Even though his words were sincere, I could not neglect the fact that something within them bothered me.
In a subconscious mind, my mouth opens, and I immediately regret doing so. "What wrong decisions did you make in your past?"
No, Renata.
What did you just do?
Whatever had opened in him, had shut and locked itself in a deep abyss.
A shadow falls over him and he looks away, stretching the muscles in his neck. Almost as if he wants to do anything to hide from me.
I hear his low murmur, "I'm not up to talking about it."
The regret drowns me. It suffocates me.
Levi stands and leaves for the inside of the building. "I need to finish my work."
And like a blustery, autumn wind, he was gone.
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I just wanted to thank everyone for the support you have given me. I honestly started this story thinking that with so many great and wonderful SNK fan fictions out there and just how complicated my story is, this book would never go this far. It wouldn't have gone this far without you. I just can't thank everyone enough. If I could somehow repay all the love and support you have given me, I would do anything. Anything.
So please, I want to at least give you something to show my gratitude. The only thing I can give you is my never-ending support and love. If you ever need any help, I'll be there for you. Just PM me or we can talk through the comments. Anything to make this author-chan and reader-chan relationship blossom!!
Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you. I would say this a million times.
I love you all so much (I would say this forever if I could^_^)
-Kamisama961
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**BONUS**
While I was writing this chapter on my iPad, I left my room to get some food and when I came back, my sister had gone into my work and helped me write a scene that I was stuck on.
I think it is perfect and deserves some appreciation.
This is the original scene from this chapter:
He remains quiet. I can sense that there are a million gears turning in his head as he tries to figure out what to say.
Please.
I just want to understand you more.
So that I can help you. [I was stuck on what to say after this when I left to get some food]
"Those idiots are still soldiers." [Levi]
Idiots?
I lean in a bit closer. "What are you talking about, Levi?"
This is my sister's version:
He remains quiet. I can sense that there are a million gears turning in his head as he tries to figure out what to say.
Please
I just want to understand you more.
So that I can help you.
"Because I f bomb love you, honey." [Levi]
Levi hugs me from behind and farts.
"Oh," I say.
I think we all know that my sister's version is a lot better.
And Levi needs to cut down on Mexican food.