Dressing the boys is literally my job.
I'd helped style them for shows every night, and about a dozen red carpet events now.
Caroline always dealt with Zayn, because he could be a nightmare. Niall and Liam were always relatively easy, but never really wanted to dress up. And Louis was just, like, Louis.
We didn't fight them much for the World premiere, but Caroline really envisioned an all black and white look for the New York event and I supported the decision.
That Burberry heart shirt was one of my favorite pieces of clothing. It like, exemplified Harry. Hearts everywhere. I'd been dying for him to wear it. So I knew this look wasn't going to be that exciting on my end, because it was going to be pairing a lot of simple solids. But I'd underestimated Harry Styles in black and white and with a tan.
I'd had my own make up done tonight, since there were events after, and looked pretty good in a white Isabel Marant slip dress, if I did say so myself. I had sky high black Louboutins on my feet, and had just stepped into them when I got a text to meet Harry in one of the suites the boys had been getting ready in.
It was a little surprising, because we'd been really distant from each other all week, but I was happy to be needed.
On these sorts of nights where we're all running around there are literally dozens of people swirling about, tending to things. But when I slipped into his room we were completely alone.
No handlers. None of the other boys.
And I'm glad.
Because when that still only 19-year-old boy walked towards me and asked if I could help button his top button, I gulped. Loudly. The simplicity of black and white and his tan from running around London with me made him literally look like a teenage dream. His hair was quaffed perfectly, the color on his face made his eyes even greener.
He was going to break every heart on that carpet tonight.
He had to have heard my gulp, but I found my voice and mumbled "cleaned up nice, Styles" as shaky hands raised up to fasten the button.
I was too busy trying to squash my own reaction and I didn't notice that he hadn't said a thing since I'd entered until I stepped away and his eyes stayed very plainly on my face.
"You look beautiful, Lex."
Harry is sweet. He's full of compliments. For everyone. All the time. But this, combined with the way his eyes looked so deadly and uncharacteristically serious, made my cheeks flame.
I forget I'm never really wearing a ton of makeup around him. And I'm glad I made the decision and accepted Caroline's offer to get dolled up.
"Thanks," I say, a little bit awkwardly late.
"Wish I could just hang out with you all night," he sighs, burnt out from doing so much promotion.
That was a change.
We'd been doing junkets and prepping for the movie's release in New York and it was really getting to him. I'd noticed he hadn't been himself all week. He'd been distant. A lot quieter than normal, and every time I'd asked if he was alright he'd given me a weak answer. So I'd sort of tried to leave him alone more, which was a lot harder for me than I'd ever anticipated.
The boys were relegated to the hotel because of security reasons. The whole world knew they would be in New York for this premiere. So I spent more time with Caroline, shopping and going out to dinner. A little with Lou, which was pretty rare, but she was finally seeming to warm to me. I even played video games with Niall one afternoon, when Harry and Zayn were paired off and doing press and he asked so nicely. I'd also reached out to some old friends from college and grabbed coffee a couple times, since I was in the city I used to live in. The most difficult time away from Harry had been the night before, since the boys had the VMAs and Taylor was going to be there.
But Harry hadn't requested my presence, like he had all the other times, so I met my old roommate for coffee and actually had an awful time because I spent most of it checking Twitter to see what was happening at the show across town.
It had felt strange, not being attached at the hip anymore. We'd even been sleeping in our own hotel rooms. I hated it, but I'd wanted Harry to make the first move. And this could be it.
I crossed the few steps between us and placed a hand on the sides of his arms. My heels delivered me to about his nose, so I could better look into the green and let him know I meant this.
"Will you please tell me what's wrong? Don't say nothing again. I know you're lying."
He holds my gaze, and looks so conflicted. Like he wants to tell me nothing and everything at the same time, but ultimately decides on the former.
"Can't say."
"Why?"
"It's stupid."
"I know that it won't be. Please, Harry? I don't like not hanging out with you all day, every day. It's so... boring."
This gets a smile, and then a frown, and then about as much anger as Harry Styles' angelic face can really muster. "Then why don't you hang out with me?"
"I thought you didn't want to hang out with me," I reply. "You've been so weird lately."
"Me weird?" His voice rises up and he actually does look upset. "You're the one that's been weird. And it's been driving me mad. Hanging out with everyone else but me."
"Have not, Harry," I protest. "Just thought you like, I don't know, wanted space?"
"Why would I want space?" he asks, with a bigger frown.
"I dunno, like, maybe you were tired of me?" my eyes drop as a voice a worry that'd been plaguing me for days.
"Were you hanging out with him? Did you see him, that first night?"
It takes a few minutes for me to rewind back to the first night in New York. He thinks I was hanging out with Luke?
"What? No!" I exclaim, dropping my hands and taking a step back. "That's what you thought?"
"Sort of." He already seems lighter knowing I hadn't been with Luke, and that does funny things to my heart. "You've just been gone so much, and we can't leave the hotel and I... You were leaving so much."
"Why didn't you just ask me?"
"I don't know. Didn't want you to get the wrong idea."
"And what would that be?"
It might be the bravest thing I've ever asked. But I'm feeling brave. I watched him charm a red carpet in London recently. I watched girls actually faint upon sight of him. I watched grown women interviewing him swoon. I watched the very attractive way he handled all of this adoration, humbly and politely.
And I thought about the fact that I was lucky enough to spend so much time with him; that I was lucky enough that he wanted to spend so much time with me.
So now that that same boy was standing right in front of me, about to go do the very same thing all over again, but things had shifted so strangely between us in the last week... something about it made me bold.
I think it was a little bit of self-preservation. If I got out now, if he was tired of me, if I could manage to extricate myself from this situation before falling too hard, I might be okay.
Now was the time. I needed to know.
"Don't do this, Lex." He pleads, green eyes look so tired underneath the makeup.
"Have you been sleeping?"
"All by myself? No," he sort of pouts.
"Why, Harry?"
"'Cause you're not there."
I'm toast. I'm so done.
"So you've been upset all week because you thought I'd been seeing Luke?"
I try to straighten this out in my head, to not jump to conclusions. But everything in my brain is leaping to the one outcome I've been dreaming of since I met him.
"Yes." He delivers it painfully slowly.
"But, why?"
"Don't do this, Lex." He looks like he might cry. "You know me."
"You're right," I soften my approach, reaching down and giving both of his hands a squeeze. "I know you, Harry. That's why this has been so hard. I know you don't just cut people out. So why's it been so weird between us lately?"
"I just need some time, Lex. I'll get over it."
My heart thumps unevenly and my ears feel like they've been stuffed with a ringing silence. "Get over what?"
"This." He motions between us. "Not, like, being best mates. I just mean these like... these feelings... I can do it. I'm not going to fuck this up, Lex. You're my favorite person."
There's a knock on the door and it's the most evilly timed knock in all of existence. I groan and Harry asks who it is and it's Liam. He senses the tension and looks apologetic when he announces the boys need to be downstairs.
Harry just nods. "Yeah, yeah, be down in a sec."
Once the door shuts behind us I know I only have a few seconds. And I don't know what makes me do it. I don't have any defense. It might ruin the best and only thing in my entire world.
But I take his perfect cheeks in my hands and I lift my lips to his and it's probably the closest to heaven that I'll ever be.
His lips are warm, and they mold to mine on impact, and they don't pull away. They don't move. They stay there, probably stunned, for a few seconds before they gently switch positions and catch on mine in different ways.
I'm surprised that I'm the one to pull away, but I know if I don't there will be another knock at the door and this one likely won't be so polite.
And once our lips are separated we just sort of stare at each other. There's a really stupid smile on my face, because he kissed me back after all, and his expression still just looks a little shell-shocked.
And I know Harry, and I know he's already terrified of the ramifications of this but I'm not. I'm just... sure.