#MemoriesThatBurn
"Most burning memories that pierce through can melt a freezing heart."
-x-
Unfortunately, Jhing didn't end up dead on the spot.
Walang ten wheeler truck na makakapagligtas sa kanya sa senaryo. No que horror o kahit man lang fade to black and fade in to the scene where she discovered that everything was just a dream.
Pucha talaga.
Hindi panaginip, eh.
Miko really was hard to forget. The broken pieces were still deep inside, but Jhing couldn't feel any hurt anymore.
Namamanhid siya? No.
Puro kahihiyan na kasi ang nararamdaman niya.
Literal.
Lalo na't inulan siya ng mga tanong pagkauwi, from emails, to texts at kahit chat sa bago niyang Facebook. She was bombarded with intense reactions from her co-editors like, "ANO YUN" or "YOU KNOW EACH OTHER?" some "IKAW BA NAGSABING WAG SIYA MAGSALITA?", "GULAT AKO SYET MIKO AND YOU? IS THERE SOMETHING GOING ON" and "SI MELKI? IKAW? HUH?"
Thankful she was not close to some, hindi siya inusisa. Although Miss Vams' at Miss Stels' stares made her nervous. Even Miss Zue and Sir Franz looked at her with questions in their eyes, hindi lang nagtanong.
Pero ang pinakamalala?
July's smile when she whispered, "sabi ko na, eh."
Ito ang pinaka-iniiwasan niya: the people prying, asking and telling her what to do, telling her the despicable action she had done and telling her to get her shit right.
"Wala lang 'yun," was Jhing's reply. Nagmumukha na nga siyang defensive for the past few days. Good thing Miko was absent after that day. Medyo nabawasan ang intense kahihiyan.
Medyo.
It was still there. Nanunuot sa kaibuturan ng kasu-kasuan niya.
"Anong wala," akusa ni July at inikot ang upuan ni Jhing para magkaharap. "Mayroon, eh! Obvious, girl. Sabi na may something, eh."
Inikot ni Jhing ang sariling inuupuan para humarap muli sa computer. "Wala 'yun."
"Wala raw. . . "
"Wala."
"Fine!" July laughed, hands held up. "Fine. Kumbinsihin mong wala. Sooner or later, lalabas din kung ano mang mayroon."
One of the things she didn't want to happen.
Not that there's truth about anything because there was none.
Pagpasok ni Miko a few days after, nalimutan na rin ng lahat ang pangyayaring whiteboard: permission to talk incident – o baka hindi nalimutan, but people didn't talk about it anymore.
Jhing was thankful.
But not too much when early in the morning, ang tumambad sa kanyang table ay baso ng shake.
"Hmm," July hummed from the side. "Anong flavor?"
Jhing held the cup. "Sa'yo na lang." Nilapit niya ito sa kasamahan.
"Girl, wag. Sa'yo binigay, eh," July laughingly said.
Tae talaga.
"Ayaw ko ng shake."
"Sayang effort nung tao."
Jhing shot July a look, making her co-worker know she wasn't in the mood for this. "Walang dapat i-effort. Kung ayaw mo ng shake, itatapon ko 'to."
"Itatapon mo?" naghahamon ang boses ni July.
Tumayo si Jhing, almost ready to walk when July held her arm.
"Uy! Itatapon mo nga?"
"Ayaw ko. Ayaw mo. Sinong iinom? Lalanggamin lang pwesto ko."
Hindi naman dapat magpapakabitchy si Jhing. But what was done was done. Did she regret it? Sure. Why not. Pero nasabi na, eh. All she needed to do was to own it.
Buti na lang July had a bigger heart than hers.
Ito na ang uminom with a question, "ano bang mayroon?"
Hindi naman din dapat magpapaka-rude si Jhing pero nagawa na niyang ipasok ang earphones sa tainga to shut the world out. She knew she needed to say sorry afterwards, o pwedeng kalimutan din.
Bahala na.
Naging bugnutin tuloy si Jhing sa binabasa. Asar na asar siya sa panibagong ineedit na manuscript. Gets. Teen Fic. But it was really getting in her nerves when afternoon came.
Tumakbo kame ni Bae para makatakas sa mga panget. Alam niyo ba ang nangyari sa amen pagtapos readers? Syempre hinde niyo alam kase nakikibasa lang kayo sa love life kong sobrang exciting! Nakatakas lang naman kame sa goons! Kileg nga ako kase napagod ako sa pagtakbo. Binuhat ako! Binuhat ako ni Bae na ice cold gangster! Inggit kayo no?! Kileg talaga love life ko!
She almost send the email of her comment, [*kami, *pangit, *amin, *hindi, *kasi, *kilig] May sira ba ang letter 'i' sa keyboard mo kaya puro ka 'e'? And this is a story, a novel. First POV! So why the fuck are you speaking to the reader? You're breaking the fourth wall! Stay on the story and their world. Huwag mo akong kausapin bwisEt! Nakakainis pag puro "e" di ba?!
And who the hell name a gangster Bae?! Apparently, you.
Fourth wall is the imaginary wall between the fiction and reality. Do not break it if it isn't the story's style. KAINES.
PS: HINDI AKO NAINGGIT SA KALANDIAN MO AT NG ICE COLD GANGSTER NA YAN STOP TALKING TO ME!
It was a good thing she stopped herself before a single click can ruin her again.
Jhing seriously needed a time out, so she went out of the office, not minding anyone who looked at her with curious eyes. Sa 711 na tapat ng office nila siya tumambay.
Halos nag-space out siya sa pagtitig sa published books kung hindi lang may nag-excuse na crew.
For a moment, she wanted to try smoking just so she could reduce stress according to her workmates – pero hindi niya magawang manigarilyo. Nakakatakot sa health. Pucha. Gastos pa kapag may nangyaring masama.
So she ended up sitting on one of the empty chair. And frowned when she saw what was written in the table.
Smile, share a seat & meet a friend.
Well, fuck you, seat.
Jhing won't smile.
Naiiyak siya. Bakit? Hindi rin niya alam! Siguro kasi paksyet si Miko. O paksyet yung manuscript na ineedit niya. Paksyet din niya for being a bitch.
Paksyet talaga.
"Milo?
Oh shit.
Hindi na kailangang lumingon ni Jhing para malamang ang may ari ng boses na 'yon ay si Miko. A can of milo was placed on the table beside her. Halos mapapikit siya sa inis when the guy sat on the empty chair on her right.
Mas nilapit ni Miko ang Milo sa kanya.
With a straight face, and eyes staring blankly at the road outside, Jhing said, "ayaw ko ng Milo."
"Ah, buti naman," said Miko. Akala ni Jhing, tapos na – but Miko gave a bottled water his other hand was holding. "Tubig?"
Instead of pushing the guy out of her personal space, she stood up. Before exiting the store, she said, "kukuha ako kung nauuhaw ako."
Ahh, the bitch inside her reigned.
Ni hindi niya tiningnan ulit kung anong reaksyon ni Miko. Ang tanging naaalala lang niya ay ang malakas na kabog ng dibdib niya when she went to their office again.
The next few days, the drinks stopped from getting their way to her table.
Sa wakas.
Naturally, Jhing's favorite day is the last Friday of every month ever since she worked in the publishing company. Nakalaan kasi ang Friday na 'yon sa movie marathon; para hindi magka-mental break down ang book team.
But when October's last Friday came, Jhing didn't want to stay up too late in the office. Actually, gusto na nga niyang umabsent na lang. Kaya lang malapit na ang payday.
Throwback Friday pa ang peg ni Miss Zue kaya the book team ended up cramped in one of the meeting rooms, munching foods, and started watching Pinoy movies from few years ago.
One More Chance, anyone?
"Sometimes you have to break up to grow up, It takes two grown-ups to make a relationship work.."
Aah! Jhing didn't know her wristwatch was this interesting.
"I want to stop wondering 'what if' I want to know 'what is'."
Oh, her watch stopped ticking. Shit. Kailangan niyang palitan ang battery.
"Sana ako pa rin. Sana ako na lang. Sana ako na lang ulit."
She asked her co-workers kung may battery ba sila para sa wristwatch. They just shushed her!
"She loved me at my worst, you had me at my best at binaliwala mo lang lahat ng yun."
But what about her wristwatch! Hindi niya malalaman ang oras kapag wala siyang wristwatch!
"Yun ba talaga ang tingin mo? I just made a choice."
Oh fuck it.
"And you chose to break my heart."
Jhing was about to stand up, hindi na niya kakayaning walang battery ang wristwatch niya when Facio said something that made her stop.
"Hala, Melki. Umiiyak ka ba?"
Almost all the people inside the meeting room looked at Miko. From the darkness of the room, Miko's eyes twinkled like stars.
"Hindi pare, alikabok lang," Miko said.
"Alikabok? De-aircon tayo—"
"Yaan mo nga ako. Putek."
Kasama ang ibang naiyak, the book team laughed at Miko. Natatawa rin si Miko, but Jhing didn't even smile. She just stared at Miko, her heart drummed inside her chest, like it was calling her for something.
And the freezing heart inside was hurting.
Jhing felt her skin burned when Miko looked at her. From the darkness, she was wishing he couldn't see the twinkling of her eyes too.
Nanakit ang ulo ni Jhing pagkauwi.
And ended up sick the next morning. It was a good thing na nagkasakit siya dahil ayaw niyang pumunta sa Halloween Party, atleast nagkaroon siya ng 'excuse'.
WHAT? SINADYA MO TO! SINADYA MO! was July's text when she said she was too sick to leave her apartment. UMIIWAS KA LANG SA KAHIHIYAN EH! Another text.
Sorry, promise. Babawi ako.
Tsk tsk tsk. Sige na. Pagaling ka ha.
Opo.
Nanood ng series si Jhing the whole day. Nang mag-gabi, nag-text ang Nanay niya.
Nak, kelan ka uuwi d2 sten?
She replied, hindi ko pa sigurado Nay. May kailangan ba kayo dyan?
Ah wla. Knkmusta q lng pnganay q. bisitahin mo kmi d2 pag d kna busy inaalagaan mo b srli mo?
Opo Nay. Uuwi ako soon. Iipon lang.
Cge tulog na at wag magpuyat bka mgkaskit ka
Sige po. Good night dyan sa inyo.
Too late, she got too sick. Her head throbbed as if it would crack. She was burning like hell. Nananakit din ang katawan niya kaya kahit gusto pa niyang manood, para hindi masyadong mabagal ang oras, she ended up lying in her bed.
The whole world was fucking spinning.
She was too sick to think. Too sick to enjoy not joining the Halloween Party. Too sick to buy her medicine. And just like the other days she got too fucking sick, she cried herself to sleep, wishing she was being taken care of by someone who cared.
Another day of sickness passed, nabubugnot na siya sa apartment. Halos nalinis na nga niya ang lahat, but ended up bored to sickness until death.
Lumipas ang all soul's and saint's day nang pabalik-balik ang trangkaso niya dahil panay ang kilos niya at hindi mapakali sa pagpapahinga.
Kaya kahit may sinat pa, pumasok na siya sa work.
"Jhing, you're back!"
Jhing tried to smile at July's greeting, pero nagmukha lang siyang walking corpse. Kakausapin pa sana siya ni July nang tawagin ni Miss Vams si Jhing.
Turns out, meeting pala 'yon for the Novella project. Buti na lang ang katapat niya sa upuan sa meeting room ay si Miss Vams, at katabi niya si Miss Stels. Miko was on the other side, katabi ni Miss Vams.
They were all in the same room.
Shit.
"By December sana matapos na natin itong project," Miss Vams started. "Jhing, ano na? Novella?"
Jhing wanted out. Really, out. "Yung ending kasi—"
"Hayaan na natin," Miss Stels said. "Okay lang naman. You're still the writer. Ikaw pa rin masusunod. Miko really needs to read the story na agad para malaman niya ang feels ng illustrations. Deadline na kasi."
Gustong magsalita ni Jhing, pero nahihilo siya at nananakit ang ulo niya. Kung dahil sa sakit, o dahil sa stress – fuck everything. Pumikit siya at hinilot ang ulo.
"Uh. . ." Nagtaas ng kamay si Miko. Jhing just stared at Miss Vams neck, not that it was interesting or something. "Pwede ako magsalita?"
"Yes. Go."
"Ayaw ko na pala magbasa," said Miko. That made Jhing look at the guy, the eyeglasses made him look professional. "Hassle kasi, ang daming salita. Katamad," he said, halos natatawa. "Kaya ako illustrator, eh. Mas gusto ko pictures."
That ended the meeting pretty quick.
Jhing went to the CR, and contemplated whether to thank Miko or what but the idea that he won't read, yet will still illustrate the novel sucks.
She didn't thank him.
Pagkarating sa cubicle, she stared at her monitor with a screensaver word that said: BIOGESIC? and her heart thumped at the mug of water and medicine on her table.
She heaved a sigh.
Hinayaan niya ang gamot sa lamesa hanggang magdilim, almost all the people gone. When she turned off her computer, halos napatalon siya sa gulat sa nalaglag na laruang helicopter sa table niya.
Her eyes automatically looked at Miko's cubicle. Wala ang loko. Wala na rin ang iba pang co-editors. At kakarating lang ni Miss Stels from somewhere.
She looked at the small paper stringed on the helicopter's tail. Her heart skipped a bit when she read:
Inumin mo yung gamot kahit wag na yung tubig kung hindi ka nauuhaw.
Pagaling ka. You look really sick.
Here, have some flowers:
✿✿✿
Tatlo yan para masabing 'I care for you.'
She wanted to laugh, or even smile, kung hindi lang niya nararamdamang parang may umuukit sa loob niya. She waved the thoughts away.
Medicine in her bag, she bid goodbye to the busy Miss Stels at nilagay sa shelf ang laruan.
Habang naghihintay ng elevator, napalingon siya sa lobby. Halos atakihin sa puso when she saw Miko talking to the guard, sitting on the receptionist's empty chair.
Good thing the elevator door opened.
But before it closed, nagulat kahit ang dalawa pang nakasakay ni Jhing sa elevator, when the remote controlled helicopter went inside. At nalaglag sa harap ni Jhing.
With cold hands, nanginginig na kinuha ni Jhing ang laruan. The message on the paper stringed on the helicopter made Jhing bit her lower lip.
Four words nga pala! Natrapik lang yung huling bulaklak.
And the colored origami rose with the message, made her heart burn. Hurting. Laughing. Fuck. She didn't know anymore.