11/23

Hashtag 21

#FedUp

"It isn't giving up, it's knowing that getting tired is okay."

-x-

Since the day Jhing knew white lies can ruin her; nagtatrabaho nang mabuti si Tatay para sa atin kaya hindi siya nakauwi, as told by her Nanay, convincing herself and the children - Jhing's lips opted to produce words with full honesty. Ayaw na kasi niyang bigyan pa ng false hope ang iba kung pwede namang sabihin ang totoo; parehas lang namang masakit.

She has felt it before, no one deserves the feeling.

But waking up with a heavy heart and the news that Miko left early in the morning made Jhing wish Yel lied to her.

"Hinatid ni Tatay sa terminal," Yel said making Jhing's heart churn. "Nagpaulan din daw kasi kagabi si Kuya kaya mas okay na raw na umuwing Maynila."

A petty feeling, yes, but Jhing's blood boiled because of the truth: her only salvation was far away from her because of the person she needed to be saved from. Anong karapatan nito para pauwiin si Miko? Mas lalo siyang naasar, gusto niyang umuwi na rin sa apartment but her body declined to move.

She felt a lot more tired, helpless. . .empty.

And maybe. . . maybe she expected Miko to call or text her, but nothing came up.

Pagkarating ng tanghalian, pinilit siyang gisingin ng mga kapatid. Hindi siya bumangon, o gumalaw man lang. Gusto niyang sumigaw na huwag niyo nga akong pakialaman! but ended up with tears. She was getting mad at them for no reason.

Nakakagago. She must stop the negative feelings but she couldn't.

"Ate Jhing." Letlet entered the room with a plate of lechon manok and rice on her hand. "Bili 'to ni Tatay! Kain naaaaa. Masaraaap!"

Mas lalong nawalan ng gana si Jhing.

He had money for lechon manok but none for hospital bills? Wow.

Walang nakapagpabangon sa kanya sa kama kundi ang sigaw ng Tatay niya pagkauwi nito. Nanakit ang tainga niya sa sigaw kaya nagmadali siyang bumangon para kumain ng hapunan.

She hadn't eaten anything since waking up but she wasn't feeling hungry at all - just empty.

The table had foods they didn't normally have - para bang may celebration - at nakakatawa lang na gumagastos ang Tatay niya sa ganito kung marami pang dapat pagkagastusan. As they ate, Jhing remained silent when her Tatay asked her a question from the sala.

"Kailan ang uwi mo sa Maynila?"

His voice stung in her ears; nakakapanibago at nakakatakot. It was like a nightmare - hearing his voice, seeing his face, and looking at him for more than a day. It has been a year the last time she saw him, but the buried pain was still there.

"Bukas."

Napalingon ang Nanay niya sa kanya. "Bukas na agad? Mag-isang linggo ka na rito. Namimiss ka na namin."

At ano, para araw-araw kaming magkikita ni Tatay? Last time na nangyari 'yun, halos palayasin niya ako dahil sa pagsusulat.

No thanks.

She kept silent and was surprised when her Tatay sat beside her, the seat where Miko sat before. Tahimik itong naghain ng pagkain para sa sarili. Her Tatay eating dinner with the whole family? Wow. Anong nakain nito, lechon manok? At sobrang tagal ba talaga niyang nawala sa bahay na hindi nagulat ang mga kapatid niya sa pagsama sa pagkain ng Tatay?