I hold my journal in my hands as I wait by Harlan's door. It was time that I let him go. For good. I just had to explain to him why.
Harlan opens the door only a few seconds after I knock. "I thought you might show up."
I only nod and glance behind him. "May I come in?"
Harlan shrugs as he steps away from the door. "Sure."
"So, how are you with all of this?"
"Cordelia." Harlan runs a hand through his hair. "I don't want to make small talk. I know why you're here. I'm also not an idiot. I saw Forrest bring you up to his room last night and I saw the way you reacted when you thought he was dead. An idiot can only miss the way he looks at you."
"Harlan," I say, unable to avoid his eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so damn sorry. When I came here, I wasn't in the right mind set. I care about you, I really do... But I wanted the crown, Harlan." I finally look up at him, the sour feeling of regret taking over my body. "I manipulated you so I wouldn't rot out on the streets once I turned eighteen."
"No," He shakes his head, face full of disbelief. "You- You couldn't have. What we had was real-"
"Because I made it seem that way." I cut in. "I spent my entire life in a foster home. When I turned eighteen I wasn't qualified to live there anymore because I was considered an adult. They would have kicked me out onto the streets and I would have either died or had a miserable life. I researched for three years on selections and royals and the corresponding patterns."
Harlan gives me a look of complete and utter betrayal. "So all of this? Everything between us- Was a lie? Because you wanted the crown?"
"Not all of it." I add quickly. "I grew to care about you-"
"Care about me?" Harlan laughs harshly. "Really? Doesn't seem that way to me. You let me fall in love with you. You strung me along until the very last second."
"You don't love me, Harlan. You think you do, but you don't." I say in a trembling voice. "You loved me because I made myself become everything you wanted me to be. But I am nothing like the girl you think you love."
"No." He gives me a cold look, one I know I will never forget. "No, you're absolutely not. Get out."
"Just... read this." I hand him the journal but he just looks away and refuses to take it.
I walk over and place it onto his bed. "Do what you want with it. But I want you to know that I never intended for you to get hurt."
"Please get out." He says in a softer voice, still avoiding my eyes.
I do as he wishes. I exit the room and as I walk further and further down the hall, it feels harder to breathe. I cared about him so much. I just wasn't in love with him. I didn't like hurting the people I cared about or the people I loved.
"Whoa there,"
I hadn't realized I was gripping the railing of the stairs so tightly until Taylor came walking up to me.
"You alright?" She asks, raising her perfectly sculpted eyebrows.
I just shake my head. "Not at the moment, no."
She tilts her head to the side, looking uncomfortable. "You, uh, need help?"
I spot a glass of pink liquid in her hand and frown up at her. "What is that?"
Taylor seems confused at first by my question, but then realizes I'm talking about the drink in her hand. "Oh, it's a smoothie. Romeo likes those and he asked me to bring him one." She shrugs like it's no big deal. "He can't exactly get up and move."
"Oh, okay." I nod. "That's nice. That's nice that you're taking care of him. Does he know about Elise? Maybe I should talk to him. Yeah. I'll go talk to him."
"You're rambling." Taylor sighs. "Okay, something serious is up and we aren't best friends so I'm not going to try and act like I know how to help you. But if you would like to accompany me to Romeo's room, you may."
I nod. "Yeah. That would be great."
Taylor starts up the stairs again and I follow her.
"You don't handle stress too well." Taylor says. "I've noticed that about you. You know, most times when we fought I purposely tried to get on your nerves. To see how far you would go. You always seemed so closed off, I guess I just wanted a reaction. But I am also a bitch. Every selection has one of those." She winks as we approach Romeo's bedroom.
"You think you're the bitch of this selection?" I ask with a laugh. "Have you met me?"
Taylor gives me an amused smile. "I guess men want what they can't have these days."
"Taylor," I start, contemplating if I should ask this question or not. "Have you and Forrest ever, um, you know-"
Taylor scrunches up her nose. "Getting close and personal here, huh? But the answer to your question is no." She flips her hair over her shoulder and stops at the front of Romeo's door. "I mean, sure he's gorgeous, but other than a few heavy make out sessions I wouldn't give away my virginity to a man I don't love. That's special for us girls, you know." She frowns. "I'm not sure you know how it works with that sort of stuff. I know you've been cooped up in that foster home of yours all your life, but there is a world out there you don't even know about. I know you think you know everything there is to know, but you don't. No one really does."
"Cordelia,"
Taylor directs her attention behind me and I turn around to see Forrest leaning against the railing. "Cheating on me already?" He smirks.
"She's mine, Forrest. I'm sorry. We didn't mean to break your heart." Taylor smiles as she takes a quick sip of Romeo's smoothie.
I had thought I was going to have to fight for Forrest, considering Taylor was still a selected.
"Don't give me that look." She directs at me. "Forrest talked to me this morning. I did choose him after all." Taylor then glances over toward Forrest. "And you can call her Lila around me. I don't know why the hell that's such a big fucking deal but don't censor yourself. I'll be gone soon anyways." And with that, she disappears inside Romeo's room.
"I'm not going to lie," I laugh softly while walking over toward him. "I'm going to miss her."
Forrest shrugs as he puts his hands on my waist. "I had a very long talk with my mother today."
"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" I raise an eyebrow in question.
"Fifty-fifty, let's say. I was sort of vague." He smiles. "It mostly involved you."
I slap his arm. "Why would you tell me that!"
Forrest chuckles as he removed his hands from my waist to take my hand. "Come on, I'm taking you on a formal date."
I shoot him a frown. "With everything that has happened you want to go on a date?"
Forrest directs me toward the stairs rather than the elevator. We were up on the floor with the royal suites so I was surprised he wanted to walk down all these stairs. "It's more like with everything that has happened I wouldn't think twice about savoring the simple moments I have with you. So yes, Lila, I want to go on a date."
"Forrest, I have to tell you something." I say nervously. "I talked to your brother."
Forrest pauses and glances down at me. "Oh?"
"I told him everything. I gave him my journal..." I trail off and avoid his eyes. "It wasn't until that moment I realized what a disgusting person I am. How could you let me do that?" I look over toward him. "I'm not blaming you, but why didn't you tell him?"
"Because I genuinely thought you would realize how silly you were being and you would develop feelings for him. I love my brother. I love him more than I love myself. I wanted the best for him and I thought that you, Lila, would give him everything he wanted." Forrest continues our journey down the steps. "But instead of guiding you toward Harlan I fell in love with Lila along the way. You are everything I wish to be, Lila. But we're not going to get into that. Yet."
"Yet?" I question him but he doesn't answer.
Forrest leads me toward the library and I no longer question where we are going. He jerks open the door and we walk up the old creaking wooden steps. When we finally arrive to our secret room I see a blanket on the floor, candles on the windowsills and two plates with grilled cheese sandwiches.
A small bubble of laughter finds it's way through. "This is very creative." I squeeze his hand.
Forrest winks as he leads me over to my spot on the blanket. I plop down in my seat as Forrest does the same on the other side.
"No too shabby, huh?" Forrest asks.
"What's with the grilled cheese?" I smile. "I pegged you for a five course meal kind of guy."
Forrest picks up his sandwich and takes a large bite. "Sure I love five course meals. Who doesn't? You know how much food is involved?" I laugh as he takes another bite, leaving him with only a small portion of the sandwich left. "Although I have been very privileged with the dining service around here, this has got to be my favorite meal."
"Grilled cheese?" I question, still finding it hard to believe someone like Forrest is just content with a simple sandwich.
"And fries." He gives me a look like it was just a fact anyone would know. "Duh," He shoves a plate full of french fries toward me and I grab one to take a bite.
"These are absolutely delicious." I say as I eat another one.
"You know what else is delicious?" Forrest raises an eyebrow.
I sigh playfully. "What, Forrest? What else is delicious."
"Your face."
I roll my eyes. "That doesn't even make any sense. What are you, five?"
"Mentally yes, physically no." He says. "But you already knew that..." He sings and I choke on my fry.
"Do I get to preform CPR?" Forrest asks as I take a long sip of water.
This was a side to him I've never experienced. I knew he was sarcastic and witty but he was acting like none of those things right now. Before I came to the palace I had done heavy research on the twins. I realized right away that what Illéa said about Harlan being most like his mother was correct. Forrest was said to be like his father but I never really got that sense. Tonight Forrest proved me wrong, and I kind of liked it.
"I highly doubt you're qualified." I smile and Forrest shakes his head, looking awfully disappointed.
"Damn. Honestly thought you would fall for it."
I don't remember the last time I have had a smile on my face for this long. It continued like this for a while, too. The smile never left my face while Forrest kept rambling on about silly things and I would laugh at almost everything he said. But as the night drew out longer, I noticed Forrest seemed a little more agitated. He would still crack jokes but there was a slight jittery feel to how he kept shifting in his spot on the floor.
"Lila," Forrest says, finally ending the playful behavior and giving me a serious look. "How do you feel about this? About everything that has been going on?"
"How do I feel?" I ask, mostly to myself. That was a very complicated question. "Well, I guess if I were being honest I would say lost and confused. But at the same time, I feel determined." I play with a stray piece of my blond hair, a nervous habit I thought I broke out of years ago. "I'm not sure if that makes any sense. It's hard to explain. How I feel doesn't really matter because it's my actions that will really decide how I feel." I look up at Forrest, who seemed to be confused. "That made no sense," I laugh lightly. "Sorry,"
"I'm sure it made sense," Forrest smiles gently. "I'm just not smart enough to understand it."
"Okay, sure." I say, waiting for him to continue. That agitation can't be all because of that one question.
"Lila, how do you feel about me? By the way you reacted to the thought of me being dead it felt unbearable to you. Am I wrong?"
"No, you're not wrong." I say, completely honest. It felt surprisingly nice to be honest. "I've thought about it, I have. If anything else happened to you... I don't think I could be able to continue with my life. Nothing else would matter to me anymore."
"Mmm, hmm," He nods, avoiding my eyes. "So, um, you gave a lot of thought to what it would be like to live without me. How about if you had to live with me?"
"Live with you?" I ask, confused. "Aren't I already living with you?"
"Well yes , technically you do. But that's not what I meant." He gives me a forced laugh. "After seeing my uncle attacked by that guard it made me wonder how long I really have left. Our resolve inside this palace is breaking. No one trusts each other. And when I mean no one trusts each other, I mean my mother is having troubling trusting Nadia and Romeo. I also thought about what it would be like to live without you. If I did the unselfish thing and just sent you back home and made sure you were taken care of when you turned eighteen. Then, nothing would happen to you." Forrest runs a shaking hand through his hair and I almost fall through the floor.
"Are you- Are you sending me home?" I ask, feeling my body quickly go into panic mode. It's been doing that a lot lately and I didn't exactly like it. Is that why he was so nervous?
"Lila, hold on, let me finish." Forrest finally looks me in the eyes again. "That would be the unselfish thing to do, but the truth is that I need you. I don't just need you because I'm in love with you. Sure, that might be a good enough reason for most people but you're more than that to me. You're the woman that I would trust my life with. I need your strength. In fact, I rely on it. You think I haven't gone into a crazed frenzy after my dad was murdered because I'm strong?" Forrest shakes his head. "You were here. I knew you were here and for some reason that stopped me from completely losing myself. I probably rely on you too much. I put all my faith in you so that there is none left for anyone else. You don't only hold my heart in your hands but you hold me in your hands. You hold my soul. My reason for simply... Being. I need you, Lila. And I have a slight confession,"
I don't dare say anything. I'm pretty sure I had been holding my breath this entire time.
"I met you before. I mean years before the selection even started. The first time I met you, you were with Elise. I don't think you remember because you were so young, and you still went by Lila back then. But I used to see you every week when I had to be escorted to my doctor's appointments. My last visit to the doctor was the day I convinced myself I would talk to you. You always sat on the steps and watched everything around you. So I did talk to you. For a little bit. You had no idea who I was because I believe I told you my name was Charlie. You were the first person to talk to me like I wasn't a broken toy, someone who needed fixing. You spoke to me like I was just another average boy bothering you while you studied people on the steps. I had to let you go because I wouldn't be back in that area ever again. But then you came here and the girl who called herself Cordelia was most definitely not the girl I obsessed about years ago."
I had no idea how long ago this was but I remembered none of it. The part about Elise sparked an old memory of me hugging a girl before we parted ways forever. I remember I told her to put a good word in for me. But the part about Forrest left me with only an image of a boy giving me his coat because he thought it was too cold outside for me not to wear a jacket.
"Forrest," I say, my voice thick with emotion that even before I destroyed myself didn't even posses. "Why are you telling me all this?"
"Because I want you to know I'm not some immature boy who thinks he's in love with the first girl that really saw him. I am in love with you, one hundred and ten percent. It's been months for me now and maybe just a few days for you, but I love you all the same."
"That's not true." I shake my head, a bit of sadness mixed in my eyes. "I fell in love with you a long time ago, Forrest. I just didn't know it. Just because I'm stubborn and it took me this long to finally wake up, doesn't mean I'm suddenly in love with you because I've finally found who I am."
"I guess that means we're both kind of messed up, huh?" Forrest says with a small smile. With the voice of a narrator he says, "The psychopath and the sociopath find love in the most unusual of places-"
"Shut up," I laugh.
"I did tell you all this for a reason, Lila." Forrest becomes serious again. "I can't live without you. I physically cannot go on as I am right now without you by my side. I already gave you my entire existence so how am I supposed to live if you're not with me? How am I supposed to run a country if the woman who owns my soul isn't right here beside me? So I leave you with one question. It has a simple answer but it's also a powerful one. You can shatter my world or be the reason I wake up every single morning." He takes a deep breath. "Lila Corbett, will you marry me?"
••••
You know me I love my cliffhangers! I usually have been updating every four days but I'm going back to my old schedule. Wednesdays and Saturdays. I got a head start with writing Royal Profanities because I want to be able to post when school starts for me.
I also wanted to say that I am so grateful to have readers like you. Your comments always make my day 10x better and I always appreciate when you point out spelling or grammar mistakes so I can fix them. You guys are the absolute best and even though I unfortunately can't respond to all your comments (because the notifications get lost in my crazy email) I just wanted to say I appreciate them all.
Sorry for such a long author's note !