-Connor-
Should I tell Troye about Caspar? I mean, he has a right to know, right? He has a right to know that his best friend might not be interested in Joe anymore. But, I don't know how Caspar will feel about me telling Troye about it. I think Troye is catching on anyway. I mean he caught me thinking about it atop of the mountain about an hour ago. Definitely from the Caspar/Joe fight from this morning at the table. He should begin to notice the signs of different interest. I just want the best for Caspar, and that maybe mean keeping our little confrontation this morning. But fuck, I feel guilty about not telling Tro.
"Seriously Con. Is everything okay?" I heard Troye ask me, breaking me from my thoughts. I looked up at him. He had a concerned look on his face. The last thing I wanted to do was make him worried or unhappy.
"I am okay, Tro. Everything is fine." I say to Troye, giving his hand reassuring squeeze. He just smiled back at me. He then looked forward, as did I. I was still worried that Troye will be angry with me. I don't know how he would react.
It's been an hour since we got to the top and we've been making our way back. Caspar and Joe traveled together as did Dan and Phil. Marcus, Alfie, and Shane walked down together, engaging in loud arguments and retorts.
The forest we were in began to thin out and the road began to be visible. We approached the black tar ground as Korey and Tyler took the lead, making sure there were no cars oncoming. Korey waved us on and entered through the arch that held up a sign of the camp. We traveled down the driveway that led to the circle drive where all of the campers were dropped off on the first day. I remember that first day still. The awkward sign-in, the confrontation with Zoë and Alfie in the center building hallway, the meeting with Mr. Graceffa, meeting Troye, then...cutting myself. Wow. That was nearly a week ago. You could still faintly see the scars if you are close enough to see them. And I have changed so much because of all these people. But, one in particular.
"Con, you coming to lunch?" Troye said, snapping me out of my daze. He faced me with his hands in mine. Jesus, I want him to be mine so bad. I want to be able to call him my boyfriend. I wanna be able to be held and kiss whenever for no reason. Tonight at the dance, I wanna do more than just slow dance with him. I wanted to prove to him somehow that I am ready. But Jesus fucking Christ, it's gonna be a huge move if I follow through with it. And what happens if he reacts badly?
"Yeah, let's go." I said to him, giving him a cute smile. He smiled back as we tailed the rest of the group, except for Caspar and Joe, who were moving towards the cabins.
We moved through the line and got checked out by Glozell. We moved to the usual table that was closest to the full-sized windows. The usual crown sat down with Joe and Caspar's spot vacant.
The usual conversation plagued the table until Ricky and Jenna approached the table.
"Taken?" Ricky looked at me. I shook my head as Ricky and Jenna situated themselves at the table.
"So, how was hiking this morning?" Ricky asked Troye and me.
"You had to work for it, but the view at the top was stunning." I heard Troye say.
"Ugh, I wish I could've gone. It sounds like so much fun." Ricky said, sighing afterwards.
"What did you do today?" I asked him.
"Today, my cabin went to archery and knife throwing." Ricky laughed. "Kian, while throwing a knife, nearly hit Trevor in the head when he was getting his knife out of the wood. Trevor literally screamed out 'Are you fucking kidding me?' and about threw one back until Louis told him to calm down and take a few breaths." Ricky smiled all the way through the story and talked with his hands to the table.
While the talking kept commencing, I thought about what I might possibly do at the dance tonight. I can't believe I might follow through with this. I mean, this is a big move for...what even are we? Friends? Best friends? With benefits? I have no fucking clue. These are too many thoughts and what-ifs. They are cluttering my mind and making things more complicated. I need to talk about these with someone. I looked around the table to see if anyone might be able to help. Obviously not Troye. Marcus...probably not. He's more of a big brother to me or like a really good friend. Tanya...she'll fangirl that I'm gonna try and make a move. Dan...uh no. He seems a little geeky for my taste. Phil, same reason as Dan. Jenna, I don't really know her that well. She seems helpful, but I don't really know. Ricky...actually he might be perfect. I mean, he came out to us today. So, he or Kian must've made a move.
I look over at Troye, who is turned to Marcus talking about something. This is the perfect opportunity. I lean over towards Ricky's presence.
"Could I talk to you about something in private?" I asked Ricky. He turned away from the table.
"Yes. Of course, Connor." He said, smiling to reassure me. I feel like I can really trust Ricky to keep a secret and to give me advice about what I'm gonna do.
He and I went went back to the social dynamic and ate our food.
"What's wrong?" Troye whispered in my ear unexpectedly. I look at him to see him staring at Ricky with intensity. I quickly came up with a lie.
"He was just asking if you were gay." I say, lying through my teeth. Troy's face relaxed and he chuckled a bit.
"You know Ricky, you could've just asked me. I'm open about it." Troye said, smiling to a now puzzled-face Ricky.
"What are you talking about, Troye?" Troye was about to give an explanation, but I talked over him.
"Nothing, nothing, Ricky." I said to him, raising my eyebrows at Ricky out of Troye's vision. Ricky nodded his head. He understood that I needed to cover what I asked him.
After that, conversation at the table migrated to the dance tonight. Everyone who was at the camp last year contributed, except for Marcus for the obvious reason.
Once the time came to leave, the table cleared out and headed out the doors of the mess hall. As we went outside, a huge U-haul truck pulled into the circle drive. The back hatch was opened and inside was a bunch of lights and speakers for the dance tonight. Louis, Jim, and Sawyer helped unload the equipment and into the mess hall.
The group traveled down the U. Jenna and Tanya split from the group to go to their cabins. Which left Dan, Phil, Ricky, Marcus, Troye, and myself down the path towards our cabins. Troye, Marcus, and I waved to the rest as we headed into Cabin A. I settled down on my bed as Marcus sprayed himself with cologne and headed out the door to go see Niomi. Troye settled on his bed, his hands folded in his lap.
"Connor, are really positive you are okay?" I heard him ask. I turned to look at him, and he was standing up, hands in his pockets. HIs brow was furrowed and his eyes narrowed.
"Troye, I'm really positive that I am fine. What's your concern?" I asked him.
"Well, with you acting weird about and around Caspar, and with the Ricky encounter, I feel like you are hiding something." He said sternly. God, I knew he'd be catching on. I couldn't tell him about Caspar nor what happened with Ricky.
"I'm an open book, Tro. I wouldn't lie to you." Fuck. If he does find out about Ricky OR Caspar, I'm going to be labeled as a hypocrite. I just dug deeper into my potential and metaphorical grave.
"Alright Con. I trust you." He said giving me a reassuring smile. I smiled back, while sweating bullets. Troye couldn't find about anything.
"Well, I'm going to the shower house." He said, picking up a towel and a set of clothes. "May the image of me being naked while dripping wet plague your mind." He said as he left. I just rolled my eyes as he left the cabin.
"You only wish!" I screamed at him. I didn't care if he heard me or not, he knew what I was thinking.
That left me alone in the cabin. I gathered my thoughts and changed clothes. I was all sweaty and nasty and was in need of a new shirt. With my shirt on, I threw on my shoes on and walked out of the cabin. With Troye occupied, this is the perfect time to talk to Ricky. If I remember from the tour, he was in Cabin D.
I took a left and strolled down the path to go to Cabin D. I could see Troye in the distance just now getting into the shower house. God, he's such a fucking tease. The air was weighted and hot, but a cool breeze passed by, equaling the air temperature. Like a perfect Ying-Yang type of atmosphere.
I passed up the other two cabins and approached the cabin with a big 'D' painted above it. I climbed up the small steps and slowly opened the screen door. Inside, it was the exact same layout, except where we had a fireplace, there was another bed. We must've gotten lucky with our cabin placements.
In the farther left corner sat Ricky, occupied with his laptop. I looked around the cabin to see that it was a complete mess. Clothes everywhere, shoes strewn about, and the stench was quite potent.
Ricky looked up from his laptop and said a simple 'hey'. I replied with the same thing. Ricky closed his laptop and patted to an open spot next to him on his bed. I obliged and sat down next to him. Once I was, Ricky tucked his legs and sat Indian style facing me.
"What's on your mind, Connor?" Ricky said slightly smiled to make me feel comfortable. And granted, I was. I took in a deep breath and exhaled it out.
"Well, so far in camp, I've had a thing for Troye. Like, we've hugged on occasion, cuddled in front of a fire, other small cute things. I'm pretty sure he has a thing for me too, but I wanna seal the deal and make sure he has the same feelings that I do. So I was thinking, tonight at the dance, I'd offer Tro to slow dance. Then after that...kiss him." I explained. Throughout the explanation, Ricky nodded his head, absorbing everything I was telling him. After I was done, Ricky folded his hands and placed them in his lap.
"In my experiences, you just go with your gut instincts. I could give you guidance or a goal to achieve with Troye, but that won't be genuine. Anything you do with your own impulses and instinct will be original. However, I will give you an outline. Obviously, you've got to slow dance to a song that is very meaningful to you. One that might speak to your soul. During the slow dance, make small talk to edge off the tension. After that, maybe let loose or join a group in talking or dancing. It's up to you. From what I gathered, you only came out a short while ago. So, you probably don't wanna kiss him in from of a crowd. I'd take him somewhere quiet and private or romantic. Butter him up somehow. Anything. Because, it'll be kinda weird if you kiss him out of the blue. Make it a small kiss. If Troye pulls away, after a few seconds, yay you. But, if he either goes in for another or he stays on the first kiss, try deepening the kiss. Get a little intimate. And yes, I know it sounds intimidating on paper, but your brain will go on autopilot when you kiss someone. Plus, Troye is quite the genuine guy from what I observed. So, if something unromantic happens, he'll probably laugh it off or find it cute."
Through the whole explanation, I attentively listened and noted each thing Ricky said. As Ricky went on, I pictured the multiple scenarios of how this could happen. My heart raced knowing that this could end up really well or end up terribly. As Ricky's hands flew about while talking and his speech impediment chiming in here and there, I realized how much Ricky was really dedicated to me asking. He's known me for five hours, only seen me three times know, and is setting up a plan for me to kiss Troye. It seems like a common theme around here at this camp. Everyone here is your friend, even if you haven't met them. And it's the most amazing thing. I wish my school was like that. Because, literally no one judges people. Well, most people anyway. Joe, Alfie, Zoe, and the Harries are sometimes a bit edgy, but it all comes with good drama to keep things active and interesting.
"Did that all make somewhat sense?" Ricky questioned, his eyebrows raising.
"It gave me a really good idea of what to do. Thank you so much, Ricky. Even though you've not even known me for half a day." I say, smiling to him. He smiled back.
"Well Connor, I know what you're going through. And no one should go through things alone or unguided. Even if it is planting your lips on your future boyfriend." Ricky said, grinning at the end. I just chuckled. There was a small, short silence before Ricky broke it.
"Why are you attached to Troye? I mean, I'm certainly not questioning your feelings for him, but I'm just curious." Ricky asked, furrowing his brow. My heart slightly sank. It's not that O don't wanna tell him, but the reason was because he showed compassion to me on the first day because of my self-harm.
"Well, he and I just had an instant connection the first day. It was like a perfect fit. He's also defended me and helped me accept myself." I explained to him. All of it was true, but I just left a few key components.
"Oh my God, that is just so sweet! He sounds like the biggest sweetheart on the planet!" Ricky said, clapping his hands and his face lighting up.
"Well Connor, I hope everything works out. If not, you can always lean on me or Kian. I know he'll help too." Ricky said. Which, was reassuring. I knew that if something goes awry, I could fall on Ricky and Kian. I could probably count on Marcus, hell, even Alfie. As far as I know, I haven't done anything bad to him.
"Thank you so much Ricky. I can't thank you or praise you enough." I said standing up. He stood up along with me.
"Of course, Con. Anything for a good samaritan." Ricky said, then paused. "You don't mind if I call you Con, do you? Like it's not just his thing?" He asked, slightly cringing. Although he did call me that first, it didn't really bother me.
"It's fine. It's not a big deal to me." I say smiling. "Anyway, thanks."
"Again, no problem Con." He said smirking. He held his arms open with a welcoming emotion. Well, I didn't want to be rude, so I moved forward and wrapped my arms around him. It wasn't anything like Troye's, but Ricky's was more reassuring and friendly than Troye's romantic and warm embrace.
As we pulled away, I heard footsteps climbing the rickety stairs to the cabin.
"Speaking of Kian." Ricky said as I turned around. The screen for opened, and in walked in a tall, well-built, quiffed brown haired boy. His smile was infectious and looks were really attractive. He reminds me of a rebellious Troye.
"Hey Ricky." He said, placing his hands on Ricky's hips and smirking.
"Hey Ki." Ricky said, placing his hands on Kian's neck as they came together for a quick peck, then pulled away. Ricky turned to me as Kian noticed my presence.
"Oh. I didn't know someone was here." Kian said as his cheeks immediately began to get red and he began to collapse in on himself.
"No, Kian, babe it's alright. Connor was one of the people I came out to this morning. He knows. Don't worry. With the situation he's in, you don't have to worry about his judgement." Ricky explained, immediately calming Kian down. Kian relaxed his body and his eyes quit darting all over the room.
"Oh, hi Connor." Kian said timidly. "Sorry for the mini freak out." Kian said, apologizing.
"Don't worry about it." I said, smiling at him, reassuring him.
"Ki, this is the boy that is always around Troye. You know, Steele's little brother?"
"Oh yeah, Troye!" Kian said, his face lighting up. "Are you two a couple yet?"
"Actually, that's why I'm here. I was just asking your boyfriend for advice." Kian looked over at Ricky, who grabbed his hand.
"He approached me with the idea of him kissing Troye for the first time tonight. He was gonna slow dance with him and then get him somewhere private to kiss him." Ricky explained. Kian awed after Ricky was done explaining.
"That sounds so perfect and cute, Connor. I have full faith in you. I almost guarantee that you will do the best thing and make it romantic." Kian said, smiling at me. Which, really reassured me. I mean, a gay couple cleared my first kiss and possible boyfriend-getting move. Which really gave me even more confidence and less pressure.
"Kian's right. You'll do great. Troye will love you no matter what." Ricky said, snuggling closer to Kian. They were literally the cutest thing on the planet.
"Aw, thank you guys so much. This means a lot to me. Pressure has been taken off of me and is making feel way better about what I'm gonna do." I say, slightly pouring my heart out to them. They both just looked at each other and then at me and smiled.
"We have full faith in you." Ricky said, holding his arms open again. I went back in for a hug, this time Kian joining in the hug. Both arms wrapped me in reassurance and friendship. They both were totally amazing friends and probably will stay connected with them outside of the camp.
They pulled away, and I made my way towards the door.
"I hope to hear the good news tomorrow that you two are a couple!" I heard Ricky said.
"I promise you'll be the first ones to know." I say, stepping outside of the cabin. The three of us said our goodbyes as I stepped down the rickety steps and onto the concrete path to my cabin. I saw more and more people going back to their cabins or moving to their friends' cabin's. I strolled down the path until my cabin approached on the right. I moved up the steps and into the small living space. Troye must've still been in the shower house because no one occupied the cabin. I slipped off my shoes and fell onto my bed. Replaying the scenario in my head multiple times. Studying it carefully and pinpointing possibilities. Because, no matter what happens tonight, Troye and I's relationship will change.
For better or for worse.
_____________________________________
A/N: HEY GUYS
Sorry because it's at midnight, but UPDATE
Sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes.
This is kinda my final hurrah of summer writing because my school is resuming next Wednesday. Groooossss. Now, the updating schedule will change because of this. How? I don't know exactly. So, the next update might not be for a while. I repeat, THE NEXT UPDATE MIGHT NOT BE FOR A WHILE. I'm sorry, but I just need to feel out how much time I'm gonna have and other shit. Thank you for understanding <3
Q: What's your favorite moment in the fanfic so far?
I just wanna know because I'm interested what the answers might be.
I think that's all I have so...
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