Chapter 9
Millie didn’t know what possessed her to act on an impulse. She was not that type of person. Everything was thought through and planned, especially when leaving her apartment. This morning she found herself not only leaving the apartment during the daytime, but now she was sitting in her car in front of New Life Christian Church, Paul’s church. All she had to do was walk in, but fear kept her sitting in her car...waiting.
Paul had been in the church office suite and all of the other pastors and staff gathered around, laying hands on him, like they did normally for Pastor Davis before church, praying for God to use him to open hearts and minds.
After the prayer, Sydney pulled him aside. Following their one and only date, they had come to realize they were better friends than anything else. Without a question in Sydney’s mind about a possible relationship, she opened herself up to the relationship they did have and both had noticed that their friendship had a stronger connection.
“Paul, you are going to do great! Don’t let the fact that Daddy will be watching from the front row throw you. Just remember, he puts his pants on one leg at a time too.”
“I know. I know God has given me the message for today. I was just thinking about Millie and wished that she could be here.” Paul gathered up his Bible and iPad with his notes from the desk and walked out of the office with Sydney at his side.
“Paul,” Sydney said grabbing his arm to stop him from walking, “You can’t think about her now. There are going to be people in there that need to hear the word God has given you today.”
“I know, but still I wish she was here. Trust me, in the pulpit I will be all man of God. But right now, I wish I could just talk to her. She calms me and excites me all at the same time.”
“Does she even live around here?” Sydney wanted to support Paul, but she was afraid he would get hurt.
“I don’t know. We have been chatting for almost a year now, but any time I bring it up, she changes the subject. Besides, she thinks it would never work because of her issues with fear.”
“Paul she is keeping things from you. You are going to get hurt. I know you really like her, but please be careful!” Sydney put her arm in the crook of Paul’s arm and continued walking in the hallway between the offices and the sanctuary. She should already be in the choir room praying with the praise team and choir, but she wanted to be there for Paul too.
“Yeah. I do like her and I trust her that she is not lying. I know you don’t understand this, but I know how I feel. And this feels right.” Paul looked down at her and smiled. “Look, I need to get my mind together and you need to go get your praise on!” They both chuckled, “why don’t we go out to lunch and we can talk then?”
“Sounds great. And Paul?”
“Yeah?”
“We know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”
“Romans 8. Hey! Maybe you should preach today!”
“Not on your life! This is all you today! Well, you and God.” Sydney smiled and she turned to walk down the hallway to the choir room.
Church started at ten thirty, Millie still sat in her car praying, “God, if you want me to go through with this, I need you beside me today.”
At ten minutes after eleven, she walked into the church. Her cell phone was on vibrate, but was clutched in her right hand and shoved into the pocket of her zipped up hoodie. She clutched her only lifeline to her technology based world like a lifeline to a person thrown overboard in the raging sea.
As she walked in, she made sure her hoodie was pulled securely over her head and hiding as much as possible. Opening the back door to the sanctuary, an usher began to approach her, but she slipped into the back pew before he could come any closer.
She had been watching the church services at New Life Christian Church for several months and she knew what type of songs and praise and worship that would be lead. But, there was something different today. The hair on her arms began to ripple as Sydney began to sing “At the Cross” and the audience sang and participated in the worship with the words on the large screens behind the stage.
Millie noticed that some people sang, some people raised their hands and some people worshiped in their own ways. No one was right, no one was wrong, it was like Goldielocks and the Three Bears of worship, some like their worship hot and raising their hands and even dancing or swaying to the music, some like it more formal and quieter, more reserved. But no matter what, they had come to worship in their own way, the one that was just right for them.
Some people sitting close to Millie looked at her. But nothing like she was expecting. They looked over at her like they were glad she was there, not like they were staring at a freak who needed to cover up to leave her apartment.
As Paul stepped on the stage, Millie’s heart beat a little faster, she pulled her hoodie a little tighter around her head and sank down a little in her seat in hopes that he would not see her. He looked so handsome in real life! He commanded the stage and attention as he laid down his iPad and plugged into the network, suddenly his iPad appeared on all three screens at the front of the church.
“Today, we are going to do something a little different, on the bottom of the screen you will see a number that I encourage you to text your questions or comments during the sermon to. At the end of the sermon, I will pull up your questions and answer them as best I can.” He looked up and smiled, “Now, let’s get going. I’m reading from Isaiah 41: 9 - 13
You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, And called from its remotest parts And said to you, ‘You are My servant, I have chosen you and not rejected you. ‘Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ “Behold,all those who are angered at you will be shamed and dishonored; Those who contend with you will be as nothing and will perish. You will seek those who quarrel with you, but will not find them, Those who war with you will be as nothing and non-existent. For I am the LORD your God,who upholds your right hand, Who says to you, ‘Do not fear, I will help you.’
Did you know, that the word fear is mentioned in the the Bible 365 times?” A picture of a calendar flashed up on the screen, “That means that the Bible mentions the word fear at least once a day.
“Sometimes fear is a good thing. For example, we should fear God. Yes, he is a loving Heavenly Father who wants what is best for us. However, if we reject Him, he will reject us and we should fear his wrath. But God is a loving and just God. Once we have accepted him and choose to live our lives with him in charge, we have nothing to fear.”
Paul looked up at the calendar on the screen, “Fear is not easy to overcome. As a matter of fact, it is difficult. Why do you think the Bible talks about it so much? Overcoming our fears, overcoming our doubts, overcoming obstacles that seem like mountains.” A picture flashed on the screen that showed a man hanging from a cliff.
“I am sure each of us has at some time faced something that frightened us. Sometimes the problem that we face is big, sometimes they are small. Fear is fear no matter what it is. But, God is God. In the scripture it said, ‘Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’
As many of you know, I like extreme sports. One of my passions is rock climbing. The higher the better! I remember as a child my father taking me out to climb. First we started at an indoor club that had various degrees of difficulty. The first time I climbed right up the wall and hit the buzzer. Then I made a mistake. I looked down.
Now for a boy that was eight, that was a major mistake. I was scared. No matter how many times my father assured me the guide was holding the safety harness, and that I would not fall, I was afraid. Finally, my dad climbed up the wall and showed me how to repel and come down.
After a few more tries, I was good to go. Excited about climbing and the bug had bit. Every Saturday I was begging my dad to take me climbing. I wasn’t stopping on those little walls either, I wanted to climb the walls my dad was climbing. I feared nothing.
Then about six months later, my dad took me to Morgan Falls. Not a difficult climb, but not what I was used to. Instead of having hand and foot holds placed for me, I was having to look for my own.
The mountain was much bigger than the walls I was accustomed to. At one point I was half way up and I could not see my dad. I felt my fingers and a foot slipping. I knew all about the safety harness and that I shouldn’t grab hold, but when you are afraid you will do what you can. Needless to say, I was afraid.
I called out to my dad and he had seen what was happening, but waited to see what I was going to do. How I would react. When I called out, his voice came strong and sure over my shoulder, ‘I’m right here Paul, reach up and put your hand there.’ He was guiding me and directing me. I had nothing to fear because he was right there with me.”
Paul had been scanning the crowd as he preached. Suddenly someone in the back shifted allowing him to see the person sitting behind them. Under the black hoodie, he spotted blonde hair peeking out. Millie! Millie had come. The change in Paul was evident by those that knew him. The corners of his mouth formed into a small smile and his steps as he walked on the stage had a little more bounce. Some sitting close might even say that his eyes twinkled.
Millie pulled her hoodie down around her face, trying to avoid the look Sydney was giving her from the other side of the church. How Sydney had spotted her, she didn’t know, but suddenly, Millie felt very uncomfortable. She needed to focus on Paul. He was why she was here.
“Fear comes in all shapes and sizes. Sometime fear overtakes our lives and although we do the best we can, we are not living up to the potential and the life that God wants for us. He promises to never leave us and never forsake us. Sometimes we are holding on to that thread, that last piece of hope, but God has not left you. He is still there with you, wanting you to let go of that rope and cling to him, follow his voice and his guidance up the rocky mountain.”
Paul was looking directly at Millie, more than anything he wanted to go to her and touch her, make sure she was real. Instead he decided to speak directly to her, “Sometimes God places people in our lives, people who can help you overcome your fears. People that will support you, no matter what. I pray that you will trust God and let go of your fear. I pray that you will let him guide you into the life that he has prepared for you. A life of hope, a future and love.”
Paul took a deep breath and returned to the pulpit. “Now, for the questions and comments. OK, since this is our first time, I hope I don’t get anything embarrassing!” Paul tapped on his iPad and a website came up listing questions. He adjusted the view so it would display one question at a time.
Message 1 from 555-8437
Dude! Have u ever climbed Mount Yonah’s Main Wall?
“Uh Yes! And if I hadn’t just preached on having no fear, I might talk more about it! Next!”
Message 2 from 555-3285
Why does fear have a strong hold on people?
“Good question. The devil knows our fears and he will use anything he can to keep us away from the life that God has in store for us. And using our fears is one of his weapons.”
Message 3 from 555-1834
How would someone overcome their fears?
“First, they need to face their fear. Identify it. That takes it out of Satan’s control. Then, and I say this knowing people with debilitating fear, and if they were to ask, I would say that they need to overcome the fear one step at a time, one day at a time. If you are afraid of heights you are not going to go mountain climbing. But, you might work your way up until you can climb a ladder and then maybe go up in a glass elevator and well, the sky is the limit...so to speak.”
Message 4 from 555-2976
What is your fear?
“That is a loaded question! Especially since I just preached against having fears. However, like I said some fears are good to have. My biggest fear is that the one chance I have to tell someone about Jesus, I won’t.”
He looked over and saw Millie slip out of the back of the church door. More than anything, he wanted to run after her, but he had three more questions to answer. By the time he made it to the parking lot after service, she was gone. But, she had left her apartment for him and more importantly, since they chatted this morning before church, and she wished him luck, he knew she lived close! He could not stop the smile that spread across his face.
“I need you!” Millie said with panic in her voice. She suddenly felt very frightened. Her heart was beating, for a while she thought it might explode in her chest it was beating so fast and so hard. She felt her chest tighten and realized she could not catch her breath. She shouldn’t be driving like this, but she knew she needed to get back to her apartment before everything closed in on her.
“Millie? Are you OK? You are scaring me!” Alexis said quickly into her cell phone.
“Get to my apartment. Please. I will be there in fifteen minutes.”
“Be there? You mean you left? Millie that is great!”
“Please Lexi. I need you.”
“I am on my way Mil. Don’t worry, whatever is going on, it will be OK.”
Millie got to her apartment building, parked her car in her normal spot, away from everything, and ran up the flight of stairs. Jamming her key in to her lock, she yanked on the door, slammed it closed and sank down onto the floor leaning against the door. She pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapped her arms around them and buried her face in the cocoon she had just created. “Lord, please help me.” She began to cry.
Suddenly, she was in Lexi’s arms. Lexi had made it there moments before her sister and used the key she had been given years ago, but had never had to used before. She went in to the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee. Whatever it was that was bothering her sister, they would face it together. Hearing Millie come in, Alexis was shocked to see her slump to the floor like she had had all of the wind and energy drained from her body.
“Mil, it’s OK. No matter what, I’ve got your back.” Alexis sat on the floor with her and hugged her close, rocking her back and forth as tears spilled down Millie’s face onto her sister’s new cashmere sweater. The sweater did not matter to Alexis, that could be replaced, seeing her sister like this bothered her deeply. She had not held her sister like this since that night, so long ago. If someone did something to hurt her, they would have Alexis to deal with!
“I am an idiot!” Millie finally said through tears and sobbed so hard it was hard for Alexis to understand her at first. Pulling out of her sister’s arms to wipe her tear stained face. She tried to stop the tears, but couldn’t.
“Why would you say that?” Alexis rubbed Millie’s back in a calming motion wanting to take all her pain away. Knowing she had already been through too much, and having her life altered after the assault. Alexis wondered if whatever had happened was going to send her sister even deeper into her abyss?
“I fell for him. I love him. But, I can’t give him everything he deserves.” Millie said again through tears. “He deserves so much more than what I can offer.”
“Who? Millie, you are one of the best people I know. Anyone you fall in love with would be very lucky.”
“Paul, he loves me. I could see it in his eyes today as he spoke. I am scared Lexi. I have never felt like this. I want to be everything he needs, but I don’t know if I can.” Millie began to cry again.
“Mil, start over, who is Paul? How did you meet? Why haven’t I heard about him?”
Millie spent the next two hours telling her sister all about Paul and their relationship. By the time Alexis left, Millie was calm and she knew what she needed to do. She needed to decide if love was worth overcoming her fears. She knew Paul would help her overcome them, but could she do it? And what happens if it doesn’t work out for them? What happens if he can’t handle all of her baggage? Where would she be then? Alone?