When I walked in the door, I was engulfed in a hug from my brother. His face showing signs of relief. Relief that I turned up home without so much as a scrape upon my skin. Guess I should count my lucky chickens.
"Where have you been?" He asked rapidly.
"Hiding."
"Hiding where?"
"Hiding where no one but Old Tommy Turner could find me."
"Wait, Old Tommy Turner, dad's best friend?"
"Yes! Him!"
"How's ole Betty?"
"She beat her cancer, if that's what you're wondering. She's still baking her sweet treats and her meals."
"Gosh, I can't believe that she's still making her meals. Her chocolate cake was to die for. I still remember at mum and dad's funeral, Ole Betty brought up the cake for treats. I'm just surprised that you remembered who they are."
"I didn't remember Old Tommy at first but then I looked at him and I remembered a man in my life with one eye closed due to a lot of surgeries he had in it, to remove cataracts. Therefore his eye was dodgy so he ended up with one eye working normally."
"Oh my gosh, but we are getting off tangent here. Why were you hiding from Miguel?"
"Is he gone?" I asked, looking around me.
"He left after he heard your conversation with me. I had my phone on speakerphone so he heard everything. Niamh, what happened with him?"
"He said he wanted to settle down, have a life, with me. He said that he wanted to get me pregnant," I started as I sat down. "He began talking about the night that I was hospitalised as well. I just couldn't take the influx of information that I had no recollection over."
"He said that he wanted to get you pregnant?" Blake asked me, surprised.
"Not necessarily outright, he asked me what I do if I got pregnant while having amnesia."
"What would you do?"
"I have no idea, Blake. I feel like everyone just wants me up the duff," I huffed.
"No one's saying that, Niamh. It was just a valid questions about things."
"I know, Blake, I do but things aren't exactly what things seem. Why didn't anyone tell me that it was Miguel that saved me? Or that everyone was rooting for you and Beth to get together. Why?" I asked as tears brimmed my eyes.
The one thing I've noticed ever since my accident and my awakening, is that I seem to cry easier than I used to. Normally it took me ages to feel emotions but now, now I'm all over the place. I'm either happy for a few hours or I'm angry for a few hours again. It's always like clockwork, never actually a break.
When I first got my red river after I awoke, I panicked, unsure as to what to do with things. I had to call Beth up and ask her what I do. I was mortified having to ask someone for help, especially when things are as awkward as they are.
"We didn't tell you for reasons."
"And what are those?" I asked, raising my voice a little.
I was unsure as to why I was raising my voice and crying, when I'm happy for both of them. I'm happy that they found each other. But was it because I was a lousy person who couldn't find the least bit of happiness? Or was it because the minute I did end up happy, I ended up nearly dying? Or was it because I was too far for love? I honestly have no idea. I just wanted things to be normal. I wanted to be normal, but there was no way I could get to that quickly.
"I didn't want to upset you. I didn't want to lose you, Niamh. Not like I lost Naomi."
"What are you on about? Naomi's fine. We're fine. Our family is fine?" I questioned.
"We've lied to you, Niamh. We kept our troubles hidden ever since mum and dad died. Naomi and I don't get along. We never have. Especially when you all moved here and left Naomi and I in London. Granted we were old enough to take care of ourselves but it just hurt and we took it out on each other, especially because we knew that if we took it out on you, then dad would've came down on our asses like a tonne of bricks. You were his baby girl, his princess and he hated whenever someone picked on you. Hence the move to Noli. Naomi and I had been hating each other since then, that's why she never turned up to our parents' funeral, she didn't want to see me, and have a feud at a day when we're saying goodbye to people we love."
"So she lied?"
"Both of us did. I knew I should've told you, but I couldn't bring myself to ruin you anymore."
"But, Blake, you came to a funeral with lies upon your lips and you outright told me that she was fighting with whatever husband it was. Does she even have kids or is that a lie too?"
"She has children, that's true. Because Love is the same age as Rosie and Jim. Just that she was born a few months earlier. Greg is three years younger than the three of them."
"So, the first child was born when I was 20?"
"Yes. Then Greg came when you were 23. You've recently turned 26, so he's coming up on three. But we just say he's three."
"You officially confuse me. Naomi didn't come to a funeral because you both were fighting and hid it from me? She has two kids, just like you do. And their last names are Mono? Like monopoly?"
"No," Blake laughed. "Their father's name is Michelle Mono, that's how they've got weird names. Well, Love has. But Greg is normal. Well, as normal as they can get with having Naomi as a mother."
"I'm sure they're normal. But is it bad that I don't want to see Naomi? I love her, and she's my sister but I just feel like she's causing too much bother. Even though it is actually me that's doing the bothering. Cause, if it wasn't for me, we wouldn't have moved here. Mum, dad and I. Mum and dad wouldn't have been killed and they would've grown older. Seeing their grandchildren grow up. But, no, I had to be born with a severely dysfunctional body that's caused me to be severely obese. No matter how little I eat. I'm the reason this family is missing their parents. I'm the reason why Naomi is a bitter and jealous bitch. I'm the reason why everything's so wrong. If I didn't get hurt by their stupid comments, we would've still be in London. Mum and dad would've still been here."
"Niamh, stop. Stop blaming yourself for something Naomi and I are going through. Stop blaming yourself for something that wasn't your fault. You're fat, yes, but it didn't give them a right to bully you for it. It didn't give them a right to bring you down. We've got eight years between us, yes, but you're my little sister. I'm always going to protect you. Naomi doesn't need the protection like you do. And, we left you to take care of mum and dad while Naomi and struggled to deal with everything in London. We didn't even bother coming to see you after the funeral and things. When it was over, I had to hop back on a plane and go back to London to Elina and my kids. And the only time I came back was whenever I had an argument with her. And then when I found out, I flew here again. But this time I had my kids with me. You need to stop with things," Blake interrupted me. "It's not helping you and your mind set, especially with your amnesia."
"My amnesia has nothing to do with how I'm feeling. It's got nothing to do with what I'm thinking. It's the truth and you know it. You need to stop trying to cover up everything with sweet lies and promises. I'm not a little kid anymore."
I was mad at Blake and at Naomi. They were keeping things from me and it pained me to think that it was due to the age difference. Ten years between Naomi and I, while there was eight between Blake and I. It's strange to think that I'm the youngest out of three, that's if dad doesn't have any other children out there. But, that's least of my struggle.
With this damn amnesia, I feel like my whole being is being torn apart. Every memory I'm trying to retain, means I'm ending up with a headache. Thus meaning I have to take more painkillers. I seldom wonder why I managed to stay under my limit, especially when I get so many headaches.
I don't think I meant to be mad at them but I couldn't help it. Ever since the accident, my emotions have been all over that place. Could be up one minute and down the next. It was annoying. Too annoying.
"Niamh. No one's saying you're a little kid."
"But you're implying it. I'm not 2 anymore. I'm 26, and I'm a working adult. I might be struggling right now, but just because I am, doesn't mean jackshit."
"Niamh, please listen to me."
"Blake, I can't do nothing else but listen to you. So, please do explain why I've had to hear that my own brother and sister are at each others throats. Please, enlighten me," I spoke, sitting my ass back down on the chair I just left. I was pissed to say the least. I was pissed because I hated how everyone was sugar coating things and leaving me out to dry. Some of the things I knew was unintentional, but I knew a lot of the times it was intentional.
"Well, we knew you were struggling with mum and dad's death so we kept it quiet. We just didn't want to disturb you even more."
"The time you both came over for the will reading, you were both lying to me then? Just like now?"
"Niamh, you have to understand, we didn't want to do it to you, but we felt we needed to."
"Save it, Blake. Just go sleep with my best friend and leave me alone," I huffed walking off.
I was angry. Beyond angry and I knew that I'd overstepped the mark but sometimes I needed to get that angry side of me out. It was like the green-eyed monster lived within me constantly. I know the comparison between the jealousy monster to anger is a little short sided but it made sense in my mind. Everything made sense in my mind but nothing made sense at the same time. It was like I was going forward with time but also going backwards as well. I felt like everything was just getting on top of me again.
I walked out my front door, towards to Beth's cafe, but I wasn't going to Beth's cafe. Instead I was going to see Andy. I needed to see where I was on things. Especially with my work, and to see if I still had a job or not.
As I came upon the familiar grey building, I noticed how little it had changed from my dream. It was just the same bland, blank canvas. Out of all the buildings that surrounded it, it was the one that had the least colour in it. The rest were all of colour, and then there was Andy's, boring and horrible to look at.
The revolving doors took me to my destination of the main landing, giving signs of where everything was placed. However, for the life of me, I couldn't remember what Andy's business was called. I knew it was a magazine business but other than that, I was screwed. I could wait here until she came down - if she came down. But I knew I had to submerge myself into the deep end and take it upon myself to figure out where things are, without the help of people.
I entered the lift and pressed for level two, Hoping that this was the level of things. If not, I'm without a doubt screwed. Because if someone gave me directions, I'd probably forget them within a second. I'm just bad at remembering everything. Now, anyway.
The lift doors opened on the second floor, and the sense of remembrance hit me like a tonne of bricks on the back. The smell was just the same as if I'd never left. The paint still a murky yellow, from the wear and tear of it all. The carpet still the ever same dull magnolian colour. Oh how I've missed this place.
I walked past the cubicle offices and straight into Andy's. I didn't know if she was conducting an interview or just having a general chat, because as I entered, her face lit up like a Christmas light on a tree.
"Niamh," she beamed excitedly.
"Hello, Andy," I acknowledged. "If this is a bad time, I can come back."
"No, it's fine. Geoff was just leaving, weren't you?"
"Ah, yes, I was. Good to see you, Niamh."
"You too, Geoff," I said, nodding my head slightly.
Once Geoff was out the room, Andy came over and hugged me tightly before sitting on the edge of her desk. "When'd you get out of the hospital?"
"Four weeks ago, been scared to leave my house though. That, and I was scared I'd get lost in the middle of nowhere," I admitted, sitting down on a chair in front of her.
"How have you been? Aside from the amnesia."
"I've been better. There's just been so many bombshells dropped on me lately that I don't know if my head is coming or going, or whether they're telling the truth just to spite me or lying to spite me. Either one could make up your mind on things."
"You'll feel like that for a little while, and if it helps, Niamh, you can come back to work. Just to do some mail duties. Or you can write again - if you've been cleared."
"My doctor hasn't cleared me for anything. I'm just still walking round with so much going on that I can't even understand things myself. I often want to shoot myself in the head so I'm not suffering much longer."
"Niamh, fighting is just part of the recovering process. You fight with yourself to be the better person you feel like you need to be but you often find yourself falling at the first hurdle. Everyone's here for you, helping you get through the tough time you're having. Beth and Leon are there for you, Blake's there for you and I'm here if you need me."
"Thank you, Andy. Really, thank you. I feel so lost that I thought I'd be looking for another job soon. Especially because I haven't been here in four months."
"Niamh, you've been signed off from working by your doctor. You have a doctor's line, so why would I fire you?"
"I just thought that because of the length of time I have been off, it would get too much for you and I'd been out on my todd without so much as an explanation. I don't know, I guess I just lost my way for a bit and thought of the worst possible outcomes that any person could think of."
"Niamh, listen to me and listen to me good. I will not ever fire you, unless you're being incompetent. Which I highly doubt you're capable of. However, me saying this doesn't give you a reason to slack off worse than what some of them have done in the past. You give everything to this company, and then some. You don't let your dyslexia hold you back. You keep going, even though I have to give you your assignments earlier than everyone. But, I give you them no matter what. And that's because I trust you and I trust your judgement on how things come out. Sometimes they're serious and sometimes they're so hilarious. You bring the readers in, more than some of the workers here. Just because you're having a memory relapse does not mean I'm going to kick you out the door at the first sight. I want you to be back here, working. There's nothing more than anything."
"I wish I was working, to be honest with you. I wish I was able to recollect the last thing I was working on. I wish I could tell you everything that's happening but I can't."
"Well, the last article you were working on was one about being curvy and trying to find love. It'll be saved on your iMac in your office."
"Is there a password for it?" I asked absentmindedly.
"There is not. Go ahead, I won't tell your doctor. But if you get a headache from staring at the screen, please come off it and immerse yourself in the darkness."
"I will do. And thank you," I said, standing up.
"No need to thank me, Niamh. Just be the bright bubbly person you are and I'll be happy," she said, laughing.
I walked out her office and followed the path to the room that had my name on the door. When I opened it, I was hit with the stench of dust. The micro particles floating around in the sunlight. My curtains left the way I'd left them, my I heart Lndn mug sitting on the coaster right next to my mouse. The walls plastered with some of my more famous articles. I was proud of everything I'd accomplished while here in Noli, and in the journalism business. Even if it was only writing articles on how love sucks and so much other things.
Sitting down on my swivel chair, I kicked off my trainers before sitting my socked feet upon my footstool I keep under my desk. It adds comfort to the posture, and I get to keep my heels off for a little while before I end up with corns and whatnot.
As my computer powered up, I took in the decor of the room. My carpet was the pale magnolian colour that was out in the hall and my walls were the murky yellow colour as well. It reminded me of the room in the hospital, where I was kept for three months. However, it's hard to fathom that I was out for three months. Especially as I just couldn't find myself out for that long. I loved my sleep, but like any person, I had to waken up at some point or another.
My screensaver popped up on the screen, and I was met with the incredulous glare of both Beth and Leon. There eyes shone brighter than mine in the picture, but back then, I was afraid of being in front the camera. As I found the last file I edited upon my computer, I opened it and was met with the words.
It seems I was talking about not being able to find love, even though I was supposedly in a relationship with Joel. I just don't get how I could be thinking of one thing, even though I was the complete opposite.
I opened another word document and placed it beside the one I was writing before. I copy and pasted the opening six paragraphs to the article before getting down to business.
I began writing this article, it seems, before my accident. And I often wonder, why was I lying in it? I question myself on that daily. It seems I cannot come up with the answer to that. It seems that my brain can't function at all.
I'm the most unluckiest person in the world to be in love with. It seems that I'm just a wrecking ball to people's lives. I was hospitalised for being beat up. Hence why I can't fathom what I was writing. People mistake the simplest of things for something more, and I can't bring myself to comprehend what it was all about.
It seems I was in a relationship before my three-month long coma. While I won't name and shame the guy, I will say that I was beat horrendously, and he is away for a minimum of 15 years.
But that's the thing, no one can know what another person is capable of. I certainly don't. Which is why I can't understand why everyone is so bothered about finding the one to spend the rest of their lives with. Especially when you feel like you have found the one person you love for all eternity, and they do betray you.
I was saved by someone who just happened to be walking past, and I'm forever grateful for his actions, but he then said to me that he wanted to settle down with me. At first I couldn't understand what he was saying but as I thought about it more, I realised that I just couldn't bring myself to even go to great lengths to committing to another relationship so quickly. So I did what any other person would do, push them away.
I pushed him away with such vile words on my behalf, something that I would think wouldn't ever come out my mouth. It's tough being in love. It's tough even bringing yourself out of the relationship with someone you love. But love works on so many other levels too. Take sibling love, it's so complex and can go awry at the drop of a hat. My sister and brother have a strained relationship, but that's due to me. I often wonder if I wasn't in the picture, would they be fine? Would they have a healthy relationship? But, I've realised that I can't reverse time and make things fine. I can't go back and take myself out of the family equation. I wish I could but I can't. And I'm sure at one point everyone's felt the same. I'm sure everyone's felt like they wanted to disappear so they aren't the problem between their family love.
I think I'm getting off tangent here, with all my rambling about family love, but I just think lover shouldn't just be categorised as something like finding someone to settle down with. We all love our siblings, our children, our parents, our friends and even our other halves. But, we mainly categorise love as this one thing that makes our heart complete. Which is something I find incredibly stupid. Because, does that make me shallow for not allowing someone else into my heart? Does it make me crazy for being protective of something that's easily torn in two? I feel like nothing will compare to the trauma of domestic abuse, and everything else, but we're all one person. We're all our own person. We all have to live as ourselves and learn to love us for who we are. And sometimes, people feel like they don't know themselves that well when they've just relied on someone else to help them cruise along the road.
If we all took at least ten minutes out of each day and wrote down everything we'd learned about ourselves, we'd find out some things that we thought we didn't know.
While I've been living these past four weeks with my amnesia, I've learnt that I'm really not an emotional person when not dealing with it. I'm not one to portray the emotions laid out in my head, but instead I place a stoic look upon my face. I also learned that I'm one for forgetting everything that someone tells me. Although, I don't know if that's a side effect of my dyslexia or not. But, just taking that time out, we find out a lot of things about ourselves that we didn't realise.
While I realise the point of this article was meant to be about love and being unlucky in it, I realise that not every love in your life if lucky. Whether it be family or other. We have demons we fight to get the right one abdomished. We just sometimes pretend that we're fine, especially in the love department but we're fighting. Fighting with the demons we have.
I'll leave you to think about all this, but I'm now signing off for now. Especially since I'm not meant to be fully back to work - or working at all for that matter. Haven't been cleared. But, I hope you enjoyed this article. I look forward to hearing your feedback soon.
I sent the article to Andy via email, and I waited. It wasn't my best, I'll admit, but I'm not meant to be thinking so hard - which could cause my headaches to come in severe. And more trouble isn't something I'm looking forward to having. I often just wish I could be free.
As free as a bird, because then I wouldn't need to rely on anyone.
Yeah, maybe I'll do that.
Maybe I'll become a bird.
There again, maybe I won't.
I'd be too fat for a bird, and I'd fall flat on my face.
Whoops.